towerofanimus | [closed] // i'll overkill; i have to find the will to carry on

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[closed] // i'll overkill; i have to find the will to carry on

Characters: Waver and Diarmuid
Setting: Floor 14
Format: Action, if that's alright.
Summary: Enjoying the downtime for the five minutes or so it'll last.
Warnings: None yet.

[Of course Waver knew what people usually did in their spare time. But he had so little of it in his usual life that the magus didn't often do any of it himself. Aside from the collection of classic literature kept in his London apartment, Waver didn't have much in the way of hobbies or things he enjoyed doing outside of work and research.]

[...There was, however, one other small luxury he enjoyed. Though for several personal reasons it was kept as a closely guarded secret, Waver had a genuine appreciation for a wide range of music. So it was that which he'd decided to focus on, looking through the tower's collection while waiting for the friend he expected to meet here.]

[And he definitely needed a distraction. The lecturer hadn't dared even look at his notes on the tower since the glamour failure; there was too much information he didn't entirely want to believe or consider and hardly any ideas on where to start recording it all. There was too much work to do, and the fact that he was actively stopping himself from doing it was enough to make any expert researcher a little anxious. On top of that there was the discovery he'd made in the graveyard when following through on the realization that he hadn't seen his younger self in a while. Seeing one's own grave was apparently a good way to kill a decent mood.]

[Waver had to try to ignore it--all of it. Just for now, at least. After today, he told himself, he'd go back to working himself half to death trying to sort out this godforsaken place. 'Overworked' was his natural state by now, after all. But worrying himself to death over countless different things would benefit no one--setting one day aside to stop from going insane wouldn't be the end of the world. Or he hoped it wouldn't be.]

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[It can hardly be called afternoon it is so close to noon when Diarmuid arrives on the media floor. He had been happy to receive the note from Waver asking him to come there. This is partly because after meeting with Tohko the day before, he too knows that the younger Waver is gone from the tower and partly because he knows how much they both could use the chance to relax after everything that has happened and everyone who has disappeared.

If nothing else as selfish as it might be, they can be comforted by the fact they are both still there and able to fight even if they aren't sure what the next step in the fight should be.

When he enters the floor, he stops for a moment to look for Waver. It's silly considering he can tell exactly where the man is standing through their bond, but it feels more normal--more human--to look this way and that is something he really wants right now. A sense of normalcy.

Diarmuid shakes his head at his own foolish thoughts since the normalcy he is seeking so hard is human and he is not. He then crosses the floor to stand near where his friend is flipping through the tower's music collection.]

See anything interesting?

Hm...nothing that really sticks out. It all seems pretty normal, strangely enough.

[He looked up with a smile more halfhearted than he'd hoped; like Waver was trying very hard to act like nothing was wrong. Which was of course exactly the case.]

I'm sorry to call you out so suddenly. I suppose I just...didn't see any point in holding off on it.

Or perhaps just needed to talk?

[Diarmuid knows Waver well enough by now to be able to tell when the man is trying to hide something halfhearted smile or not.]

A...lot of people have been sent home in the last few weeks, haven't they?

[Diarmuid doesn't mention Waver's younger self being one of those people just in case he doesn't know, but from the way his friend is acting Diarmuid expects he does.]

...You saw it too, huh?

[It never failed to impress Waver just how much was understood between them without being said. He didn't even really need to ask, but he did regardless.]

Yes. It made me feel quite sick when I did. I knew it wasn't you because I could still feel you through our bond, but...

[He closes his eyes a moment and lets his voice trail off. The younger Waver had been his friend, so seeing the stone there had been bad enough just because of that. Adding in that he had the same name as the person who was his friend, his partner in surviving this mess, and his anchor had made it nearly unbearable.]

Are you okay?

[As hard has it had to be for him to see that name on a stone, Diarmuid can only imagine how hard it had been for Waver to see it.]

I'm-

[He couldn't quite bring himself to say 'I'm fine'--it was more of a lie now than it ever had been. He was shaken by the sight and disturbed by the idea that his other self really was just gone that easily.]

...I don't know. Strange as it sounds we weren't particularly close, but I don't suppose we really needed to be. It's a disturbing situation no matter how I look at it.

He was...will be a version of you. Even if you didn't talk that much, it makes the two of you closer than most people in this place. I think you have every right to be disturbed. For so many to have gone so easily...

My brother's master was taken from the tower again and I that is why I was in the graveyard. I saw Tohko and stopped to talk to her. That is when I saw his grave. After she and I finished talking, I made myself go through the graves to see how many new ones I knew...

[His gaze drops then, ashamed.]

...once I passed ten names of people I called friend I had to leave. It might have been cowardly, but I couldn't take finding another grave with a familiar name on it.

I asked Tohko this and now I will ask you. Do you think sending so many away was some kind of punishment for what we did? Were the monsters not enough?

It just happened to occur to me that I hadn't seen him in a while, so I thought I'd check--frankly I wish I'd been wrong. After that I didn't stay all that long. [A sigh.] As for your question...I don't know, Diarmuid. It could have been that or just some random freak coincidence. I'm assuming and hoping it was just the latter, considering the former's even more unsettling.

[Waver shrugged, idly looking through the tower's music selection again as if trying to distract himself.]

...We weren't the same. However his war affected him, I could tell just by looking that he came out stronger for it like I never did. He's a better Waver Velvet than I was and if we manage to straighten out this apocalyptic Second Magic trainwreck he'll turn out a better Lord El-Melloi than I am.

[Diarmuid's eyes narrow and before he even has time to think about it, his hand has shot out to still Waver's as the man flips through the music. Considering how strongly he feels about the words that Waver has just spoken, it won't be surprising if the grip is strong that it is painful.

When he speaks, his words are a low angry hiss.]

You are lucky I have such a great amount of patience for foolishness after dealing with my brother for so long or else I would be punching you right now. Continue alone this line and I may not be able to restrain myself. I knew both of you and you both are equally strong. Your strengths might be different, but that is only because the force that changed your life was different. Different does not mean one is weaker than the other only that they are different!

[At first he honestly didn't know how to react. He'd seen Diarmuid angry here maybe twice, and both times it had thrown him off guard. Maybe even scared him, in some deeply buried corner of his mind.]

[Still...this time, he had a point. Waver couldn't think of a method or reason to argue, and he didn't think it a good idea to try regardless.]

...I'm sorry. He was your friend before I even got here--I should have at least considered that if nothing else before I started talking like an idiot.

[Diarmuid releases Waver's hand, though the anger on his face only slightly lessens. Honestly, he would be upset if he knew that his anger scared Waver on any level, but right he is just glad that it seems to have gotten the other man's attention.

Later, he will worry about how often lately he has been striking out violently against those who are closest to him. First his brother and now Waver.

Later.]

This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. What is wrong? Why are you suddenly so doubtful about yourself and your skills? This is not the same man I met on the meadow so many months ago who told me he was going to dismantle the Holy Grail no matter what the hardship.

...I don't know. Dealing with that is one thing, something I've been preparing and planning to take care of for months if not years. This place is nothing I could ever have prepared for, and if you ask me it's a hell of a lot more to handle than even the war itself.

[Waver folded his arms, more a gesture of insecurity than the show of confidence or annoyance crossing them usually was.]

Back home I might be kind of low on the scale of abilities, but I have something. In a place like this, I'm next to powerless even compared to half the monsters wandering around. Half the people in this tower have abilities I can barely comprehend, and never mind the administrators. I've had to rely on my Mystic Code so much it's almost sickening. I just...don't think I'm strong enough--mentally or physically--to survive here all that long.

[Maybe seeing that gravestone had shaken Waver more than even he realized, or maybe this was a lot of little things built up into one large issue. It could even have been both, Waver didn't have the faintest idea.]

Waver...

[Suddenly, all the anger drains out of Diarmuid almost as if its job is done now that Waver has finally put into words what is bothering him so much. He reaches out and gently lays both of his hands on Waver's crossed arms.]

This place is made to destroy even the strongest and most gifted people. Forget what they say about this place being a sanctuary for us. Alone not a one of us would survive for long.

[He lightly squeezes Waver's arms.]

Thankfully, we are not alone. You are not alone. Why do you think I have spent so much time trying to make people realize we have to work together? Our enemies are not each other. It's the tower and the administrators.

[Diarmuid meets and holds Waver's gaze.]

There might have been a time when you had to be alone, but that time is over. I'm here now and I have no plans of ever leaving your side.

[Not to say that the recent revocations about what they are and more importantly that their bond is not real haven't shaken Diarmuid, but Waver told him he would find a way for them to stay together and he has to believe in his friend.

Especially if his friend is having a hard time believing in himself.]

[As Diarmuid spoke, Waver seemed to gradually calm down and visibly relax. At his last few sentences the magus blinked a few times with an expression of mild surprise. Had he really needed something so obvious spelled out for him? His arms unfolded and found their way around Diarmuid's shoulders, closing the short distance between them.]

...it seems like every time we cross paths one of us has to talk sense into the other. Had you noticed that? [A small, quiet laugh left him once he'd said that.]

I've just gotten used to relying on myself for a decade that...maybe I'm hesitant to let myself properly look for support when I need it. Even from the one I trust more than any other. You can forgive me for being as foolish as that, can't you?

[Diarmuid smiles and lets his arms find their way around Waver's shoulders.]

Have you ever realized that is probably what makes us such a good team? We both have our problems, but when it is too much for either one of us we are always there to make sure the other doesn't fall. As long as we never let them take that from us, nothing can stop us.

And there is nothing you need to ask forgiveness for. But if you truly feel the need to have me say it, you have my forgiveness. Just try to remember that as much as you are always there for me, I will always be there for you. When you are afraid or doubt, tell me. I will listen.

[He pauses a moment, head dipping a bit in shame.]

And I will try not to get so angry. I should not have snapped. I'm sorry. It just hurts me so much when you talk about yourself like that.

I know I'm having trouble withstanding this whole mess, but...as long as you're with me, I think I'll be fine. My only real problem here is getting myself to admit to things like this when I'm so accustomed to keeping them to myself.

[Waver's hold on him turned just a little more secure, voice finding some of its usual calm confidence.]

It's alright, Diarmuid. I'm not about to tell anyone they shouldn't be angry or upset. The most important and most difficult thing is managing to control it, that's all.

You can always tell me. Always. This might sound odd, but even when you cannot tell yourself--cannot admit it to yourself--you can tell me.

[As if in response to Waver's tightened grip on him, Diarmuid's hold also tightens.]

Control. It is something I am still working on when it comes to these feelings I am so unfamiliar with. Please...bear with me. And I will bear with you as you learn.

I trust you. I trust you more than anyone--more than even myself. Anything you'd ask of me, I'll do it.

Anything?

[A slight grin curls the corner of Diarmuid's mouth as he steps back away from Waver, giving the man a slight push back toward the table with the music collection he had been looking through earlier on it.]

In that case, I am trusting you to pick some music. Aren't we suppose to be here to escape the trails of this place for a little bit?

Of course. Sorry, I guess I sidetracked us a little.

[Waver smiled much less halfheartedly this time, turning to resume what he'd been doing when his friend had walked in.]

We both got us sidetracked there.

[Diarmuid laughs and then gives the music collection an annoyed look.]

It is bad enough I don't know much about modern music, but on top of that they have to pick things that aren't familiar. Do you have any idea what any of this is?

Actually, yes--I've got a pretty good working knowledge of music back home, and this seems like any average collection one would find. There's not too much out of the ordinary as far as I can tell.

[where the hell did you get said working knowledge of music, waver]

It's honestly so normal it's a little weird, in a place like this.

[Who cares where he got it? Diarmuid would say it is much more useful than, lets say, a working knowledge of video games...]

Normal is good. Lets not question it. Instead, if you know most of these can you pick out something I might like? It has been a long time since I have been able to hear any music that wasn't me singing for someone and that's...

[He shrugs.]

It's not what I am looking for.

Hm...now that's a little difficult. I know what I like, and I know what my parents liked when I was a kid, but I'm not sure I'd be able to pick out what someone else would like.

[Waver paused, contemplating what seemed like Serious Business very carefully and speaking under his breath.]

I hate to go with what seems like the go-to English standard, but since you haven't heard much of anything at all...well, I suppose it's as good a starting point as any. God forbid I send you into shock with anything louder.

[Shrugging, Waver made a selection and sat down on the nearest couch, looking relatively satisfied by his choice.]

[Diarmuid leans forward slightly and speaks in a laughing tone.]

I can still hear you, you know...

[He then leans back and listens to the music that Waver picked out for him. Maybe it is because he is not used to modern music and the methods that musicians use to convey meaning now, but once the song ends, he looks confused.]

You pick a song for me about hiding your love?

Wh--goddammit I'm not trying to say anything here!

[w h y]

I didn't say you were!

[Diarmuid looks equally as startled at Waver's reaction as Waver apparently is startled by his question.]

It was just an innocent question! What on earth did you think I was asking?

H-how should I know? I thought you were insinuating some ridiculous thing or another!

Why would I do that?

[Yep, Diarmuid's still confused.]

I just thought it was an odd choice considering what happened to me during my first life and because of my curse!

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[closed] // i'll overkill; i have to find the will to carry on

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Warning: Derpiness Ahead!

...dorks

The biggest dorks... X.x

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