towerofanimus | The Darkness Between Heartbeats

Entry tags:

The Darkness Between Heartbeats

Characters: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (

oathshackledbird ) and anyone! (Closed prompt for Tear Grants,

melodyoftheabyss , and Jade Curtiss,

sarcasmancer .)
Setting: Room 4-16 on the 16th (Closed to Diarmuid), Infirmary/Collar Fluid Change on the 18th (Open), Infirmary on the 20th (Late & Open), Gym Floor on the 22nd-25th (Open with a closed section for Tear and Jade) and Various during the week he is powerless (the 18th through the 25th).
Format: Starting in prose but pick your poison from there!
Summary: After waking up from dying during the Nyx Revenge Log, Diarmuid takes a few things from his room and disappears along with Mac an Chuill, so that he can finally face that darkness inside of him and find those lines he will not cross as Saber has advised him to do. For the first few days, he will have his powers and be fine, but after the 18th all bets are off when he takes the new collar fluid and loses all of his powers. Wouldn't you know it? Orcs are a lot faster when one is just a human without powers... Once he has gotten himself back together near the end of the week, he can be found in the gym for all those folks who might want to get a spar in with him while they have a better chance to beat him...
Warnings: Angst, references to death, dark negative emotions/angst, mind control, injury, blood, stitching up wounds, mentions of evisceration, and fighting monsters. Others are possible depending on where conversations go. Will update if needed!

Room 4-16, January 16th (Closed to Diarmuid):

The Darkness. It's still there, and Diarmuid doesn't mean just because he can't open his eyes frozen by sleep paralysis as he is. What he means is the darkness inside of him. The darkness that has always been there and that he has been hiding from for...has it really been over a year now? Yes, it has. On January 4th to be specific, though Diarmuid really hadn't been thinking about it then. He had been too distracted by other things like keeping an eye on Waver while his powers returned and thinking about all the things that had happened during the incident with Jason...

It's hard to keep being distracted after Ganondorf's magic pulled that darkness out of the corner Diarmuid had shoved it into and allowed it to possess him heart and soul. Diarmuid could blame himself for letting it happen, for not having dealt with it sometime during that year, but what good would that do? It would just give that darkness power over him again.

It's time he stops doing that. Time he looks into that part of him he's been denying and stop letting it frighten him to the point that his fear is causing to happen the very things he wishes so much to avoid. It's time to find those lines, to mark them, and make sure that he never strays near them again.

It's rather ironic that Ganondorf's attempt to punish him is going to make him stronger instead. Diarmuid is positive of that. He will accept nothing less. Still, it will not be any easy process and he's not exactly sure how things are going to go. It will to take a while and he is probably not going to be the nicest person to be around at times. That is why, as soon as he can move, Diarmuid gathers a few things from his trunk, beckons for Mac an Chuill to follow, and leaves his room.

He has no plans on returning until he has to, and hopefully by then, he will be able to be the strong shoulder that all his friends and family are going to need after this.

Infirmary, January 18th (Open):

Diarmuid leaves Mac an Chuill outside the Infirmary doors when he goes in for his collar fluid change. It's very early in the day, but he has arrived early on purpose. After being missing for two days, it's likely people are looking for him, and he needs to make sure he gets this taken care of quickly, so that he can hopefully avoid running into anyone who might want to talk to him. To be honest, this is probably not the best time for him to be switching over to the new collar fluid, but at the same time he doesn't want to keep putting it off.

At least he was smart enough to switch over to his dress clothes before having it done. Considering his armor is summoned and part of his powers, once they fail things could get embarrassing fast. As it is, as soon as the power loss hits him, Diarmuid can't help but stumble. It's just as disorienting as any other time, but with the added bonus of somehow being much worse. Maybe it's because of his own state of mind, maybe it's because he knows that he can't just leave the floor and have his powers return, or maybe it's because somehow it just seems much more complete this time. No matter the reason, instead of leaving immediately, he takes a seat back in an empty corner of the Infirmary to settle himself for a few moments.

A soft whine and a lick across his hand cause Diarmuid to look tiredly up at Mac an Chuill, before reaching out to pat the loyal hound on top of the head, "Just give me a moment, okay? Then we can go. There's much to do."

Infirmary, January 20th-Late (Open):

His breath comes in shaky pants between clenched teeth as he stitches up the sword wound that starts around his sternum and crosses his collarbone ending near the top of his shoulder blade. Diarmuid has stitched up many wounds in much worse conditions and with far fewer supplies before, but he's been pushing for two days without food or sleep and his now human body is not happy with him.

Not to mention, he lost no small amount of blood getting down here. Considering how blurred his vision has become off and on, it's probably a good thing that he had Mac an Chuill to help get him down to the Infirmary in the first place. Of course, had the hound not finished off the orc that had wounded him, Diarmuid might not have had to worry about making it to the Infirmary. He would have been worrying about having to start this whole no powers week all over again instead.

Diarmuid frowns has he finishes stitching the wound and reaches for his dress shirt. Right, strike that. It's ruined until he can drag himself to floor 51 to maybe repair it. It's probably a good thing he remembered to bring his father's cloak along. It's rather cold to be going without a shirt, even for just a short time. Hesitant to get blood on the fine garment, he takes a long time to clean as much of it off himself as he can...

...and nearly blacks out in the process.

From the doorway where Diarmuid left him to stand guard, Mac an Chuill whines. The animal is clearly worried about him. He knows the smell of blood and so much of it smelling of his owner is not good. Diarmuid makes a soft sound to comfort the hound as he somehow finds enough strength to finish cleaning himself off. Once done, he wraps his father's cloak around his shoulders, pulling it close around his body and settles into a chair, ironically enough the one he had sat in a few days prior after he had gotten his collar fluid changed. Much like then, he plans on just taking a short breather and then moving on again.

The fact that a few seconds after he sits down, he passes out from exhaustion and blood loss says differently.

Gym, January 22nd-25th (Open):

Now that a few days have passed, Diarmuid has grown more used to being powerless for a long period of time, his mind is more settled, and his wound doesn't burn every time he takes a breath. He's eaten, he's rested--albeit brokenly--and is in much better shape than he was just a few nights ago when he passed out in the Infirmary. Not quite ready to return to all of those he calls family and friend, he instead makes the gym his home, carefully working out and practicing with Gae Buidhe and a monster spear that is about the same weight and size as Gae Dearg. He misses being able to summon the spear, but without his powers the weapon is out of his reach. However, his feelings of loss are tempered when he realizes the next time he summons it, he will be summoning the real thing not a glamoured copy.

That alone is enough to bring a smile to his face despite how tired he is, despite the face he is powerless, and despite the fact that he still needs to work out several things in his mind. Those things will all come. They are coming, in fact. Bit by bit. Swing by swing.

Thinking through things while practicing is as natural as breathing, after all.

Gym, (Closed to Tear and Jade):

Diarmuid's dress shirt had not been able to be saved no matter how hard he tried and so he'd made himself a sleeveless long tunic of a similar color as his uniform on floor 51 to replace it, and that's what he's wearing over his black slacks while he practices and waits for Jade and Tear to arrive. Mac an Chuill sleeps nearby and with his senses reduced because his powers are gone, Diarmuid knows that the hound, sleeping or not, will likely be the first to notice when Jade and Tear arrive. That is why Diarmuid has positioned himself so that he can practice while keeping an eye on the dog.

Despite all that has happened this week, he is excited to get to meet Tear again. She might not be the same as the one he had known, but from what Jade has told him, she is every bit the talented and kind soul the other version had been. He looks forward to actually getting to work with her this time.

Various Floors, January 16th-25th (Open):

From the time he wakes up and leaves his room through the whole week he is powerless, Diarmuid is going to be on the move. It won't be until he starts hanging out in the gym toward the end of week that he begins spending a great amount of time any one place, which means that he can be found just about anywhere if none of the above listed prompts seem interesting. Keep in mind that since people know to look for him on floor 100 because he goes there a lot to think, he will be avoiding that floor. Once he has lost his powers, he will also be avoiding most of the more dangerous floors in the Tower since, while he has a lot of his mind, the last thing he wants to do is get himself killed. This latest death was death number seven--not that he will tell anyone who doesn't realize it themselves--and he has now firsthand started feeling the odd effects that come from having died so many times.

Finally, considering his poor shirt got ruined--stupid orc--and he is going to be making himself a new one, feel free to use floor 51 as a prompt after the 20th if you would like!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Suzaku still hadn't slept, he was starting to feel the affects but was determined to ignore it as long as possible. His mind would not settle, and though he wanted to be alone being in his room on his own, Shinji still had not returned, was not something he wished to do.

He hadn't seen Waver since sitting with him, and he had no idea what to say or how to help. He had all but avoided Diarmuid, though he knew he shouldn't. Because Diarmuid never avoided him, and never judged him for what he did.

Not that Suzaku was judging or blaming, he just... didn't know what to think. It was the second time in so many months he had had to watch Diarmuid die, had to be helpless. And this time he had helped kill him.

So when he saw him in the forest he stood still, blinking at him. Lost for words, wanting to run but not able to.

Often in the past Diarmuid has brought Mac an Chuill down here to hunt. Because the animals cancel out people's powers, it adds an extra challenge to the hunt that both he and the hound appreciate. However, hunting is the furthest thing from Diarmuid's mind right now. He has come here, not to hunt, but to see if being on a floor that has things that negate powers will help him feel less...odd about not having his powers. He hadn't expected things to feel so different now. Yet, they do and he wants to know why.

Mac an Chuill seems to know things are different too and that is why the hound is standing in front of Diarmuid, large body pressed against his master's to keep him from going more than just a few steps away from the stairs. He whines, trying to get Diarmuid to leave the floor, but Diarmuid ignores him, gazing out over the forest instead.

When the dog notices Suzaku, he knows right away that this person is a friend and looks around Diarmuid, setting hopeful brown eyes on the other man. Maybe he will convince his master to leave this dangerous place before something happens?

Suzaku was still frozen in place, but his eyes dropped down to the dog at Diarmuid's side and he took a step towards him, wondering why he was whining. Maybe he could tell that something was wrong. Could dogs tell things like that?

He reached down to pet the dog, not quite able to look Diarmuid in the eyes.

When Suzaku comes closer, Mac an Chuill starts to wag his tail. That is what makes Diarmuid finally realize that he's not alone. He turns to face the person, cursing himself silently for allowing himself to be so distracted and trusting senses he doesn't have at the moment to protect him. He's lucky it's Suzaku and not someone who might take advantage of his weakened state.

Any other time, Diarmuid would be worried that Suzaku won't met his eyes as he reaches down to pat the dog. Now, he completely understands. To be honest, if Suzaku wasn't avoiding his gaze, Diarmuid might be doing it himself.

"It's not your fault. You did what had to be done," his voice is soft. "Thank you. And I mean that."

Suzaku winced as Diarmuid spoke, concentrating on Mac an Chuill for a moment, while he tried to gather all his thoughts together.

"You shouldn't thank us." He said finally, his voice strained. "We did what we had to... it is not something to be thanked for."

A necessary evil, his hand shook and he fell silent.

"I tell you all the things I do need no thanks, that they are merely necessary, and yet you still thank me..."

A movement from the forest catches Diarmuid's eye. Several mutated animals are watching them, almost as if they are trying to decide if they should attack or not. Not wishing to risk a fight when he is so weak, Diarmuid motions toward the stairs to the floor, "It might be best if we remove temptation from them. Besides, I'm...tired."

That was true and Suzaku had no answer to it, he looked around though and nodded. "Probably for the best." He looked at Diarmuid worriedly, "Tired? You don't look well." He hadn't expected him to look well, with everything that had happened. But he looked even less well than Suzaku had expected.

A moment later he blinked, "How are you tired, you don't need to sleep do you?"

Diarmuid doesn't answer right away. Instead, he leads Suzaku and Mac an Chuill to the steps. Normally, he would wait for both the dog and his brother to clear the floor, but as soon as he starts walking he realizes just how unsteady he is and sits down before he falls.

"Things...are a little different now," Mac an Chuill wastes no time joining Diarmuid on the steps, putting his head and front legs into Diarmuid's lap as if he is saying, 'Sit still and rest.' "I...got the new collar fluid this morning. Right now, I'm completely human. It's...been a little more difficult to adjust to than I thought it would be."

Suzaku's eyes narrowed in concern and he rushed to his brothers side. "Oh..." He had known it would have to happen, but an entire week as human when he was so used to having additional senses. "You shouldn't even be out here."

He sat at Diarmuid's other side, "At least you shouldn't be out here alone with no one to protect you."

He knew for a fact that Waver wouldn't let anything happen to Diarmuid, which made him think that Waver didn't know, or had been avoiding Diarmuid, which he would understand. Suzaku had been avoiding Diarmuid and it struck him how unfair that had been.

"I'm sorry, I should have came to find you days ago."

Diarmuid shakes his head, "Don't be sorry. You wouldn't have been able to find me. I was...staying away from everyone. Of course, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that it's harder to do that now." He smiles a little sheepishly, though the smile soon turns sad, "Waver was going to watch out for me, but..."

Mac an Chuill whines softly, and Diarmuid reaches down to pet the dog's head. Even as he does, the dog turns sad eyes toward Suzaku. It's obvious something is wrong. Seriously wrong.

Suzaku blinked at him as Mac an Chuill and at Diarmuid as the words trail off, he doesn't need to finish them, Suzaku understands... as much as he can anyways.

"Diarmuid?" He reaches out slowly, as if afraid Diarmuid will push him away, to rest his hand on his shoulder.

The last thing Diarmuid is going to do is push Suzaku away. In fact, he first leans into the hand on his shoulder and then actually topples forward, his head coming to rest against the other man's shoulder. When he speaks, his voice isn't the only thing shaking...

"He...he didn't even want to talk to me. He just...gave me back my spear and walked away. I tried to stop him, but I knew..." Diarmuid pauses, fighting back tears, "I...I..." his voice drops to a frightened whisper. "Have I lost him?"

Suzaku blinked, surprised and not sure what to do, but he let Diarmuid lean and sat awkwardly not sure how to help at all. So he listened, not surprised at Waver's reaction, but slightly annoyed at the man. Whatever had happened, that was the last way to handle it. "No." He shook his head, "He's just upset, and guilty..." His voice shook as well, because he was upset and felt guilty too.

"He probably needs space..." Suzaku didn't know, he didn't really have any answers.

"I-I gave that to him. Like I do for you sometimes and I say we will talk later, but...this feels different," Diarmuid shuts his eyes and tries to calm himself down, realizing he really shouldn't be dumping this on Suzaku when he knows his brother must be carrying his own guilt over what happened. "I suppose I am just more scared than before. Why did it take me so long to realize what I had to do? All of you have been hurt so much by me and my expectations..."

"It's alright to be scared." Suzaku told him quietly, because it was. He though. Being scared was always something he had thought as something bad, not being strong enough. But here... they weren't strong enough to fight what came at them, being scared was probably smart.

"You have been hurt as well, you shouldn't forget that."

"Not as much as the rest of you have..." Diarmuid sighs and, after a moment, finally sits back away from Suzaku's shoulder. "Don't think I haven't noticed Suzaku. You're pulling back again. I know part of it is everything with Lelouch and Rolo, but a lot of it is me and all of this...mess with Sephiroth and Ryoji..."

"I am so sorry..."

Suzaku shook his head, though he had been pulling back. It was more that Diarmuid spent so much time sorting out Suzaku's screw ups, and he had his own problems, Suzaku thought he should deal with those, rather than bother with Suzaku's.

"No... it's..." His words caught in his throat, his head felt heavy and he paused as he tried to put into words. Because seeing Diarmuid out of control... seeing Waver having to kill him... seeing Diarmuid so upset now. He realised he was shaking and tried to move away, trying to calm down.

"Suzaku?" A worried look crosses Diarmuid's face and he reaches out for the other man, wanting to comfort him, but unable to move closer since he has a rather large dog in his lap at the moment. In the end, he has to settle for putting a hand on his brother's arm.

"What is it? What's wrong? Don't shut me away. If you need to talk about what happened, talk about it. Please..."

The hand on his arm was almost too much, but Suzaku stayed, because he knew moving away would upset Diarmuid, and he didn't need anyone else pushing him away, as hard as it was not to run.

"It was like Geass..." He said after a moment, his voice shaking, "You weren't there at all... and the only way we could get you back was to kill you." At least it had brought him back, death wasn't real, so it had saved him rather than have him be lost forever.

Diarmuid's hand tightens slightly on Suzaku's arm and he shakes his head sadly, "I was there, I just..." He falls silent for a moment, trying to find a way to explain how he had felt--how his despair and guilt had taken over everything until nothing was left but a wish for the end to come.

After several long moments, he sighs, "I gave up. I was tired...so tired...and so I gave up. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. It just seemed easier to let Nyx take everyone. I know that's wrong, but that small part of me was buried, just like the guilt and despair that was in control of me during that time is usually buried. Near the end...I did come back. I let Waver...do what he did. I knew it was the only way." His eyes find their way to Suzaku's, "I remember...vaguely. You went to him, so he wouldn't have to face what he was doing alone. Thank you."

Suzaku nodded, he understood that. Understood that it had been darker parts that existed in Diarmuid already, brought to the surface and allowed to gain control.

"He shouldn't have had to do it..." Suzaku said softly, "Out of all of us it should have not been him." Because he couldn't imagine what Waver had gone through, and though he had managed to get to his side in time to support him, he had been too far away to take the burden from him.

His eyes burned again and he squeezed them shut.

"None of you should have had to do it, but as hard as it was for him, I don't think he would have wanted it to be anyone else..."

Or would he? Waver never shies away from those hard things that have to be done, but everyone has a limit and this...this might have been Waver's limit consider how cold and detached the man had seemed when they met in the hallway.

"I am going to talk to him. I gave him no choice in that," Diarmuid smiles a little sadly. "Just like I always do to you. The dreaded 'We will talk. Later' line. Hopefully, I will be able to get him to let some of the pain go and to understand that I don't hate him for what he did."

Diarmuid's hand tightens on Suzaku's arm, "I don't hate any of you for what happened. Please, stop blaming yourself for not doing more. You did all that you could have."

"I know..." Suzaku nodded, his voice catching. He knew what it was like to have to do something yourself even when it was painful.

He understood very well how Diarmuid's talks went, they were impossible to avoid, once Diarmuid had decided he was going to help you.

"I know..." He nodded, "But I always blame myself..." He squeezed his eyes shut again and this time as he opened them a tear trickled down his face, he reached up to wipe it away, looking confused.

Diarmuid doesn't say anything for several moments after Suzaku stops speaking. He wants to tell his brother it is okay to cry, but he is afraid if he actually mentions it out loud, Suzaku will immediately pull back and shut off the tears he so desperately needs to let out. Lightly, his fingers rub at the man's arm, an unspoken encouragement to let go if he needs to.

"I know. We all blame ourselves more than we should. It's...a very common thing here. You are in good company..."

He's probably right about that. Suzaku nodded, "I apologise." His voice was low and he wiped away another tear. He hadn't cried in a long time and he tried to pull away not wanting to now. The tight feeling in his chest had gotten worse, making it hard to breathe.

18th/19th ish forest?

18th not long after Diarmuid's collar fluid change, if that is good?

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