towerofanimus | [open]

Entry tags:

[ou] sakuma jirou

[open]

Characters: Sakuma and open!
Setting: aquarium; backdated to the day after the ghoul powder incident.
Format: starting with action but any
Summary: being forced to kill you best friend is hard on anyone and Sakuma's dealing with it the only way he knows how; by hiding away from people.
Warnings: none really unless moping counts

[Sakuma's sitting on the ground leaning against the wall. If anyone runs into him here, he definitely presents an odd sight. He has his eyes closed and just looking at his condition, he has no business being out of bed.

He's been here ever since he woke up and found himself alone in his room. At first his memory is hazy and he doesn't know why his left wrist is in a cast or why his body aches. When he reaches up to touch at his neck gingerly, mindful of the pain the tells him it's bruised, he remembers his fight with Kidou down in the cafeteria.

Since it doesn't seem like his friend is back yet and not wanting to be in the room alone any longer, he escapes to the aquarium. The trip there is slow and painful but he presses on. When he finally reaches the aquarium he lets out a heavy sigh. Somehow since coming to the tower, this place has become his sanctuary and being surrounded by the glassless tanks of water is calming for some reason he doesn't understand. Not to mention the fact that here, he can be alone if he wants to.

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[He stares at the cast for a moment, and clenches his hands into fists. This tower.... it was all it's fault. The only good thing this place gave them was their new friendships, and even then it keeps putting Kidou and all his friends into danger. It was moments like this where Kidou wished he had just been left behind to be destroyed with his homeworld. That would be better then being brought here, to be killed multiple times and to be forced to hurt those dear to you.]

... I hate this place.

[Sakuma drops his hand onto his lap and moves his gaze away from Kidou to stare at the fish tank before him instead.]

So do I. It's terrible and some days it feels like I'd go crazy the longer I stay here.

[He nods in agreement]

It's hard to keep a leveled head here... I don't think I would have been able to last long without you and Genda by my side.

[While he's glad that he has his friends as well, after what happened he knows for sure he doesn't share Kidou's views. Especially when he's been proving to be so useless here in the tower; failing to keep anyone safe including himself.]

I'd rather you guys not be here to be honest.

[It feels odd to be admitting the truth because he's so used to hiding everything he feels.]

I'd rather you not be here, either. [This feels a bit childish admitting...] ...but if I can be completely honest... I don't think I'd be able to handle being left in a place like this by myself.

[He looks away from Sakuma, feeling a bit embarrassed at his selfishness.]

I wish none of us had to be here at all, though.

[Sakuma doesn't hold it against him, even if he sees things differently. For him, he'd much rather suffer alone because seeing people he cares about suffer is much more painful.

But if his being here is helpful to Kidou in some way--]

I'm glad I'm here then. At least I'm not completely useless then.

[He can still remember when he first arrived and unexpectedly running into Kidou. It seems so long ago.]

[He looks up and furrows his brow]

Don't say things like that Sakuma.... [You're never useless to him]

[He continues to look away. He doesn't know why he's suddenly talking like this, even. The words just seem to come out by themselves before he can think about what he's going to say properly.]

It's the truth. I've barely done anything since I got here and then when you and the others are in trouble, I can't help at all.

That doesn't mean you're useless, Sakuma. None of us have been able to help each other out much while we were here... [And to be fair, the tower has been having a party with separating everyone from their friends]

If anyone's useless, it's me. I've been trying to step up as captain and make decisions on my own that would benefit everyone but so far, almost everything I've done has been backfired.

[He sits down and brings his knees to his chest.]

I thought I was helping others but all I've really been doing is causing trouble.

You're not! You're doing the best you can. [At least, he hasn't cause trouble for Sakuma aside from when he attacked him but Sakuma's written that off as being the tower'e fault.

Still though, hearing Kidou say all that makes Sakuma feel guilty, like he doesn't have sufficient reason to be upset. They're all here going through shit together so he really doesn't have a reason to feel sorry for himself. The others are having trouble too.

He runs his right hand through his hair.]

I wish there was more I can do. But everything I can do is useless here.

There's not a lot anyone can do, even the most powerful of people can't really do anything.

But still, I wish there was something.

[He draws his legs up to his chest and folds his arms on top his knees and rests his chin on them.]

We'll just have to deal with what happens to us, that's all we really can do. [He hugs his knees to his chest tighter]

In the very least, we have to stay strong for our friends.

[Even with that, he's not sure he can do much longer. Not after witnessing the pain the tower puts his friends through first hand. What happened to Kidou upsets him more than he'd like to admit.

He doesn't know what to say in response though so he keeps silent and stares at the fish solemnly.]

[He stays silent after that, as well. There's not a lot left to say, but he wasn't just going to leave with this bad feeling in the air....

So, after a while, he speaks up.]

I'm sorry... for what I did to you, and for you being brought to this terrible place. I'm sorry I'm such a failure of a captain, and that I can't do anything to make this situation any better.

Edited 2012-09-02 09:57 (UTC)

Why are you apologizing? None of this is your fault. You attacking me or my being here. And you're definitely not a failure of a captain. You always try to do what's right no matter what and that's something I always admired about you. Even here.

[Hesitantly, he lifts his head and looks over to his friend.]

Sakuma...

I can't really compare at all. You're really great.

[All this is said really softly, as if he can't really believe he's admitting it. It's something he's always felt since following Kidou only now he thinks he can accept their differences and he doesn't resent Kidou for it. It doesn't mean he doesn't wish he's stronger though. On the contrary it makes him want to work harder.]

You can never fail to me.

That's not true, Sakuma. [Saying things like that only make him upset... he's tired of people saying he's so much better then them, because he really thinks he's not.]

I'm no better then you, or Genda, or anyone else. I'm not perfect, or amazing, or any of those things...

[While what Kidou says isn't unexpected, it makes Sakuma realize how much he changed. This boy beside him now is completely different than the arrogant one he first met. But despite that, it doesn't change his opinions for Kidou.]

You might not think so but you changed my life, so I do think you are those things.

[Though he still disagrees, what Sakuma says gets him to smile a little bit.]

...I didn't think I had made much of an impact on anyone.

You did to me.

[That's why he's willing to devote himself to Kidou so much because without the other boy, he doesn't know where he'd be. One thing is for sure though, he wouldn't be able to enjoy soccer as much and that's important too.]

[He hugs his knees to his chest a little more and rests his chin on top of them.]

I had no idea... [He's not really sure how to properly react to someone telling them he completely changed their life, to be honest... it's probably obvious how awkward this conversation was making him....

But he's still smiling, so this conversation is going in an ok direction.]

Thank you for telling me, Sakuma. It makes me.... happy, to hear that I've been able to change someone's life for the better... [oh god how does he feelings]

I actually don't know what made me admit that to you, to be honest but I'm glad it makes you happy.

[Because as long as his friends are happy, that's all that matters to him. Even if being here makes him completely miserable, that fact makes it just a bit more bearable.

He's smiling back, albeit a little sheepishly. He doesn't really know how to deal with feelings either, especially his own and this entire conversation is pretty much something he'd never do normally.]

Well I'm glad you were able to admit it to me. [Because admitting things like that is hard, at least for him.]

[He doesn't mind this, actually. Sitting here in the aquarium chatting with Kidou. It almost makes him forget they're trapped in a tower that's bent of making them suffer. Even if he still feels terrible for not meeting the standards he thinks he should be at, it's still nice, in a way.

Almost like the calm before a storm.]

We've known each other for a long time so I guess it's about time I told you anyway.

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