I'm trying to find my peace [closed]

[vermicompost]

Characters: Kariya and Lancelot
Setting: Floor twenty-five
Format: Prose to start (but feel free to switch to action)
Summary: Kariya isn't feeling well. It's not just what happened recently. He hasn't been feeling well in a while. His faithful Servant steps in to help. Or at least offer some advice.
Warnings: None yet


When Kariya was feeling stressed, or upset, or sad, he had a simple solution: lie down in the flowers. The meadow floor was peaceful, and the flowers were beautiful, red and yellow and purple and pink. They had a soft, fresh smell that he liked to breathe in deeply. The grass was cool against his skin. Even when there were other people in the meadow, as there often were, he could find a quiet, secluded patch of ground. He'd lie down there and try to forget where he was, try not to think too much about the pain in his body or the other pain that was worse, the pain in his heart and mind. It helped him feel better.

Today, it wasn't working.

He kept thinking back to the things he'd seen: the distorted bodies, the stiff, wooden movements, the helpless expressions. He remembered Shinji, with the strange marks on his face and his unnatural limbs. Kariya hadn't been able to do anything about it. The things that happened to people here... Sometimes it was too much to bear, and there was nothing he could do to help them.

He wished he could talk to his friends, but he felt cut off from them. After what had happened with Diarmuid, he was less inclined to reach out to other people. He'd never been much good with people. He was better at writing, at taking pictures, at being on his own. Getting close to people hurt. Thinking of Diarmuid hurt, and it was confusing besides. He was still angry at Diarmuid, and he felt strangely warm and agitated when thinking of him. Was the curse lingering? Or was it something else?

He sighed. He thought about Aoi for a few moments, but that only made him feel worse. She wasn't here. He missed her, but he didn't want her here. He wouldn't have been able to bear seeing her in that kind of agony. It was hard enough, seeing what had happened to everyone else. He hoped Sakura was all right. He'd have to find Sakura.

Kariya closed his eyes. Maybe if he wished himself away, he would disappear. He knew that was a foolish thought, and he knew he was feeling sorry for himself, but he couldn't seem to stop.

Comments

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[The Bond had been renewed along with his body. He could feel the current of discontent, of sorrow, flowing through it. His Master is often sorrowful and often angry, though he strives to seem neither of these things.

Lancelot can understand that need.
Though his Master has been angry with him just lately, still he seeks the man out-- feels him along the Bond, and finds him easily in the Meadow.

It is not as though he has not died before, but Lancelot himself feels thinned somehow, worn around the edges. His spirit form has been more comfortable these few days past, but he sheds it now-- appearing seated at his Master's side.

You do not seem soothed by this place as you usually are, Master.

[vermicompost]

[Kariya grows aware of Lancelot's presence just before he appears. He had felt Lancelot die, too, not long ago. It hadn't been pleasant, something else he'd rather not be reminded of. They are linked, and he has to accept the fact that they can sense things about each other. At least it's far preferable to their link back home, which had been nothing but so much madness and rage and pain. Things are different here. He and Lancelot can talk. They might even understand each other, a little.

He opens his eyes and looks up. Somehow, he's getting used to people who can just suddenly appear.

He takes a moment before replying to Lancelot's words, but there is no point in denying what must be obvious.] No, I'm not. [Another pause, and then a sigh.] I can't seem to be soothed by anything. Not now.

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[He is not always impatient with his Master-- and is far less so in general than he was upon arriving. Lancelot is calm now, sitting on the grass by Kariya, glancing down at the man's half-ruined face as he speaks.

His Master is a-- complicated man.

Even though he knows the likely reasons for Kariya's restless sorrow, he asks all the same.]

Why is that, Master? You have friends and allies around you, even in this place. Why this discontent?

[vermicompost]

Friends...

[It's true, he does have friends here. He should be glad, shouldn't he? He is glad, but things aren't that simple.]

I know. Maybe that's part of the problem. I don't want to see them suffer. I don't want...

There are a lot of things I don't want. But that doesn't make any difference, does it? [Bitterness creeps into his tone. These things keep happening, no matter what he wants. He can't do anything about them.]

[chevalier_mal_fet]

Others will suffer whether you desire to see it or no, Master.

It is more likely your own suffering you find harder to bear-- I do not think that forsaking the friends you have made here will ease it.

[Lancelot glances down at his Master's half-ruined face. He had been impatient with the man once, but he feels now at times nearly a kind of kinship with Kariya.]

What is it that you do want then, Master?

[vermicompost]

I know they will. That doesn't make it any easier. I don't want to see it.

I don't care about my own suffering. [He says this vehemently, and it isn't entirely true, but partly. He'd rather suffer than see someone else suffer. It's just that, sometimes he gets tired of it. Why does he have to be in pain all the time? Why can't something go easily for him, just once?]

I don't know what I want. [What does he want? For something to go his way. To feel better.] I want to go back.

[To go back to the War, in spite of all that means. It will mean leaving his friends behind, but maybe that would be better for all concerned.] To finish what I started. That would be best.

[But then he'll never see them again. He'll never see Diarmuid...]

[chevalier_mal_fet]

Yes, Master-- as do I.

But as release or escape do not seem imminent, what is it that you want now, in this place?
Like the Victory we both desire, is it not what you desire most that pains you in equal measure?

Answer me truthfully.
Your suffering is mine to share.

[vermicompost]

We're going to win.

[He still believes that.]

What I desire? [He looks up, narrowing his eyes slightly.] What do you mean? I don't--desire anything.

[But he's lying. He knows that he is. He sighs, looking away.]

What does it matter, what I want? It's not going to happen. I have to deal with it, like I always do. I don't even know why I feel this way.

[It's not normal for him, and that confuses him. He knows he loves Aoi, but that doesn't explain how he feels for Diarmuid. Is he still cursed? That seems possible. He's still angry, about what Diarmuid said. That he can't feel real love. That isn't true. It feels foolish to worry about this, when there are so many other pressing concerns in the tower, but his heart aches.]

The feeling... It should have stopped by now. But it hasn't.

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[Though they are once again met in the Meadow, he and his Master have come far since their first conversation in this place. Kariya is open with him, in his way. Echoes of his Master's hurt travel to him though the bond they share.

He looks searchingly into his Master's face.]

I tell you plainly-- simply because you desire a thing you cannot have, does not mean that you may never have anything you want, Master.

[Lancelot's demeanor is sympathetic, but not pitying. He no longer sees Kariya as pathetic.]

You fear you are yet cursed, then-- or you fear that you are not, and yet your heart is unsatisfied.
Either would trouble you equally, I think.

[vermicompost]

[He shakes his head.]

But I don't, I don't get things I want. Not like that. It's all right. I don't expect to. I'm used to it.

[He knows he's bitter. He doesn't want to be bitter, but he is.

Kariya sighs. What is he supposed to say to that? He doesn't want to talk about it, but if not Lancelot, who else would he tell? Lancelot is his Servant. Lancelot won't tell anyone else, and besides, he already knows. It's hard to hide things from him now.]

I don't know what's wrong. I can't feel this way. There's no point to it. I don't know if I'm cursed, but I have to make it stop somehow. [He puts his hand to his chest, as if that could somehow ease the pain, but it doesn't.] I'm not supposed to feel this way about anyone else. [He lets out a long, deep breath.] I'm a fool.

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[No, Lancelot won't tell anyone!]

[His Master knows little enough of these things-- but Lancelot knows them all too well.

He removes the glove from his hand before laying it on his Master's chest, his long fingers slightly overlapping Kariya's own.]

Yes. To Love is to be a Fool. The Heart is a Fool and it will not be directed to its own Good. Thus do you suffer. But neither is the Heart so limited. There is surely room enough to house your affections for someone other than She before they fade-- as they will, in time.

Patience, Master. I will help you bear your Pain as much as I may.

[vermicompost]

[Kariya shakes his head. He feels overcome by a sudden anger.]

I'm tired of it! I'm tired of always being a fool, and suffering. I'm tired of being patient.

At least before, I was used to it. I loved Aoi, and she didn't love me, and that was the way things were. I could deal with it. Now everything's different and difficult, and I want it to stop.

[The veins in his face twitch. At least he can talk about Aoi here, as the events in the tower have a way of bringing people together and bringing out confessions, and so he's told that truth, but it doesn't seem to help him to talk about her now. It only hurts.]

You don't have to do anything. You're my Servant, but what do Servants have to do with things like this?

[chevalier_mal_fet]

It is not as if you have never taken comfort from a Servant in this place, Master.
Though the Servant was not your own.

[It is perhaps not the most politic way of stating his point, but Lancelot is not always politic.]

Now I am with you, and shall not leave you, for we are truly Bonded. Wherefore should I not seek to aid you in every way I may?

[vermicompost]

[It's a bluntly delivered point, and Kariya understands it easily. He frowns.]

That's different. Diarmuid's different. [Diarmuid isn't his Servant, he's his friend.]

But you're right. [It's hard to ignore the bond that joins them now.]

I know you won't leave. I didn't mean to say you couldn't help me, but you don't have to. [Sometimes he can't help but continue to feel that Lancelot is obligated to serve him, because they're Master and Servant. They didn't always get along so well. The new bond is strange, also, in its closeness. It makes him feel uncomfortable sometimes. He's not used to being linked in that way, to feeling someone else's feelings, experiencing their memories.

Looking at Lancelot, he remembers a flurry of brief images: a red battlefield, a green wood, a cool lake, a pale hand.]

What can you do? There's nothing to be done.

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[Lancelot looks own into his Master's half-ruined face. So familiar now, where once it was strange. Almost-- fond.

He is a proud man, is Lancelot, and he is proud if this new Bond with his Master-- an unexpected thing to have achieved. He feels his Master's emotions, senses the drift of his thoughts, wanders in his Dreams. Kariya is a sea of strange tides, shifting shallows, deep swells-- Lancelot is learning the Waters.
He moves his fingers to lace with his Master's own.]

I am contracted to triumph for you, and to secure your safety, Master. Aught else I do, I do of my own Will.
I may listen to you then, and give you counsel if you want for it-- and sometimes even when you do not. I may give you my strength in more than Battle. I may give you friendship, as well as fealty.