towerofanimus | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Characters: Reno, Open et ctra
Setting: Art Gallery, Morgue, Study/Research Hall, Gym, Pool; across several different days, just read the prompts.
Format: Whichever
Summary:
Considering past actions that no longer really affect him. Swimming around in the pool for a break. Responsibility has a habit of changing people, a lot. Getting stuck in the morgue. Running barefoot.
Warnings: Claustrophobia, mild warnings for descriptive horror content, Reno's own personal brand of swearing. Also, a screen cap of post-fall Sector 7.

Thursday, Oct 17th: Floor 22 - Art Gallery

Mapping out a detailed floor plan, floor by floor, was a lot more time consuming than Reno wanted to admit. After that fiasco the other day though, he and his sternum didn't really feel much like trying to train physically. Elena had left a nasty bruise and chest pains where she hit him. A few centimeters either way, and a little bit harder, and she could have killed him. He was half convinced she had when it landed. All in all, pain notwithstanding, he was pretty proud of her for that little drama act she had put on for Sephiroth, even if it did wind up with him in the infirmary for hours.

Responsibility was weighing heavy on his shoulders lately. Being the Director, the Chief, whatever you wanted to call it now, was full of the stuff. He was truly beginning to feel it, recruiting the new people and trying to organize what they were doing. His family was growing, and there was no Rusty, no Tseng, and no Rufus to share the burdens. And Elena... Well. Floor mapping was important for the things he had planned. Drills, exercises, and task forces would all need a good understanding of the Tower and the floors it contained. Putting it all down on paper was what he had been doing the past few weeks anyway, walking up and down the Tower. Shion wouldn't need the maps after he memorized them, and he figured the kid probably knew more than anyone, but now that their ranks were growing it was going to be harder keeping everyone on the same page. So the downtime let him get a jump on the work for now. No big deal ~~until he got Elena alone for that disciplinary training session because there is no way he's going to let her off the hook that easy~~.

He was on Floor 22 right now, and stopped to take a break. It'd been a while since he had been in a museum. Aside from that time he found Elena, showing off for her before the wedding, the last time... when was the last time? Some vague recollection of playing bodyguard for a day while some of the higher ups went gallivanting around Midgar. Paintings weren't really his thing, but the further he went into this floor, the more familiar the images became.

Then the paintings started to change. A wrong turn, and he came face to face with a painting of the Turks. All of them were sitting at the bar Elena had been working in. Even Veld and Tseng had made it down for the group shot, enjoying a quite drink in the corner. It had been when everything made sense. When it was all normal and they still had a home with ShinRa. Before their "betrayal" that had them hunted down like dogs. He recognized the image, it used to be one from his wallet lost long ago, but there was something... different about this. Staring at it, it slowly dawned on him that they were glaring at him.

No. Not glaring. They had no eyes, Their eyes had been plucked out and blood was running down their faces, hands outstretched as if to plead with him to find their eyes and return them. His mouth dropped open and he took a step back, unable to stop looking at them. A kind of slow, mounting horror rose until he finally did turn and cough into his hand. That seemed to break the spell, and he moved away to leave, but he made the mistake of looking up again.

This time, it was a painting of Midgar; the viewpoint from Sector 6, standing at the edge and looking down at a freshly dropped Sector 7. The steam and smoke still rose from the red-hot metal, buildings broken apart where they had toppled over, and bodies littered the streets. He got closer, fascinated in a morbid way, and squinted a little bit to see better. Every little detail was there, painted in perfect detail with almost microscopic brush strokes. Little people hanging at the edge of Sector 6 and more on Sector 8 just visible across the way, looking down at the rubble. The bodies below were just as detailed, blood and limbs and twisted mangled messes.

His work.

Yet, he didn't feel the shame any more. No guilt. Just curiosity of what it might have been like seeing the sky fall on top of you. He did not feel much of anything about it, and that was a far cry from when he had been in the hospital, where his room looked down on the same scene. A little voice inside his head told him he should feel something. Reno of the Turks should feel guilty. He had done this terrible thing to an entire town underneath the city. The city itself. How dare he not feel anything? It wasn't right. His lips parted briefly, wanting to laugh at the voice, but not quite having the courage to do so. The little voice was right, but maybe he's beaten himself up over it once too often to care what he thought of himself.

No, that's wrong. There's still something he felt looking at this painting. The regret was the same. The little voice silenced itself at the realization. The innocents were still innocent. They were just people going about their busy lives, but they would have died anyway. If not him, then the white light that had destroyed everything; that had brought him here. The Tower was a fitting enough punishment for this crime. The regret really was enough. If he hadn't pushed the button, Scarlet would have gassed the three Turks left standing.

Maybe he could have saved all of them, that way.

Friday, Oct 18: Floor 7 - Pool

It's been a while since he got the chance to swim. Taking it easy for the past couple days wasn't so bad, and once in a while he did really need a break. Reno was floating on his back in the shallower end of the gigantic pool, relaxing a little bit. It sure wasn't the hot springs up above, but it's been way too long since he had a chance to just splash around for a while.

Splashing around... the last time had been when Rusty was here. Reno slapped at the water, rolling himself over so he could see beneath him. The water didn't bother his eyes much, but he wouldn't have minded his goggles just then. It seemed like he kept thinking about Rusty. Wondering what had happened to him. Knowing the poor guy's luck, he was probably wandering around in Boat World, visiting graves of his friends. He had mentioned that, hadn't he? About burying Rude and Tseng. Frustrating, that was what it was. He never could help him. What did it say about Reno if he couldn't even help himself? Lot of good this whole stupid damn thing was. Who was he kidding, thinking he could try to save the Tower and send everyone back home?

They probably would never get back home, at this rate. It was just one failure after another. Except for Sector 7. That had been a pretty spectacular way to fulfill a mission. He'd lost count of the times he had failed- they had failed because of Cloud, not that he held it against the guy or anything ~~at least not much any more~~. But it did make him want to shove dirty gym socks down people's throats when they started mouthing off back home. Scarlet with a few dozen pairs in that big gab of hers wasn't a bad image.

Enough yapping, Reno. Let's get some waves in. Lifting his head out of the water, he took a deep breath, then dove under the water. His goal was to touch bottom before he ran out of breath, but he wasn't going to hold it against himself if he couldn't.

Saturday, Oct 19, Morning: Floor 18 - Study Hall

Saturday morning was filled with another disappointing meal of pumpkin, a light jog around the Meadow to clear his head, and then a trip down to the Research Library. An idea had occurred to Reno the other day, something sort of obvious it might have bit him if it hadn't hit him in the head first. This was a library full of all sorts of subjects. He knew his way around pretty well after all that checking through he had done in the first few months of his stay here. There were books that might be able to help him.

Walking through the stacks with purpose, his Raven uniform fitting as well as ever (and damn the thing), until he came to the appropriate section. Blue eyes trailed over the titles from behind the red visor, seeking out one or two in particular. He made a "Heh!" of triumph when he spotted one, pulling it out. It was labelled "Effective Leadership In Military Situations" and probably would be just about right. Sure, he wasn't military, despite the uniform, but good advice was good advice, and there was no way he was going to ask any of these wingnuts here in the Tower. That could get compromising.

Taking the large textbook with him, he headed downstairs to the Study Hall and got comfortable at a desk, leaning back and resting his legs up on the surface. It was a pretty thick book, so he had no illusions he would even get through it before the day, much less before lunch.

At least it was quiet enough.

Sunday, Oct 20, Late Afternoon: Floor 26 - Morgue - Closed to one

Sitting in the library, Reno was dressed in his one pair of civvies today. The ones he shared with Shion. Black suited him, and he really didn't want to have to explain anything in case someone he didn't want snooping around caught him in his Turk suit. That was for later. This afternoon, he was ignoring that vague feeling he should be doing something about that note he had gotten earlier, and trying to get some more work done before heading up to his meeting with Elena. Reno was trying to create copies of some of the maps he has been making of the floors. It's going fairly well, even if he does have to use a straight edge to clean some of these markings up. Reno was a lot of things, but not an artist, musician, baker or taxidermist. Maps were a little different though; some missions needed maps on the fly and he had learned the skill the same way, not that they were stellar pieces of art. It didn't hurt taking some pride in his work, though, so that's why the second drafts were taking a little bit of time.

Unfortunately, he didn't see the Rupee hiding in the small box of pencils until too late. This particular detail required a pencil with a sharp tip, so he dipped his hand inside only for the damn thing to bite him and vanished. And so did his EMR.

"Shit..." He cussed under his breath, damning Leviathan's scaly hide to tango with Ifrit for a while, and pulled his maps together in a neat pile. Theoretically nobody should touch them while they were sitting looking important on a library table, so he got up and headed to the staircase. He really hated this part. Rupees were a damned annoying nuisance, and every time he encountered one, he was pretty sorry for it.

Stomping up the staircase, he glowered across each floor. Those damn things liked to torment him, placing items in a just out of reach spot, but nothing too hidden. That wouldn't be sporting. This time, he didn't have far to go, reaching the morgue and spotting his EMR resting peacefully on one of the morgue draws.

That just so happened to be fully rolled out and open.

Hm.

Eyes narrowing to just blue pinpricks, he stepped off the staircase, glancing side to side. The hazards on this floor were fairly minimal, but that didn't mean it was impossible to run into something here. The damn place gave him enough chills as it was, just walking by on the staircase. Slowly, he approached the shelf, keeping an eye out for any surprises.

As he reached for the EMR, it rolled back a few feet, as if it had been attached to fishing line. Frowning, Reno stepped a little bit closer, though some instinct told him to hang back. Irritation rose. No damned Rupee or whatever they were called was going to get the best of him. Moving quickly, he grabbed for the EMR.

And then something grabbed him, pulling him on the shelf and inside head first. The shelf rolled back into the refrigerated unit, and the door slammed closed with a final clicking.

Reno froze for half a minute, immersed in darkness and the far too enclosed spacing, shocked at what had just happened. The EMR in his hand started tapping against the brushed steel inside- no, that was his hand shaking. The sound was enough to bring him back to reality just long enough for the screaming to start.

The first scream was blood curdling, torn out of his throat so hard it hurt. "LET ME OUT! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" The shrieks sounded hollow in the tiny confines, too loud too loud-- it was making his ears ring. Panic rose and overrode any survival instinct he still had, his boots slamming into the door with no result except denting the metal. All too soon, his screaming became inarticulate. Hoarse. The minutes dragged on and though he was screaming, SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, his throat felt tight and his lungs burned for oxygen.

Nobody was around, nobody would find him. He was stuck stuck. Trapped, in a cage. Cage. Nobody would come for him or save him, he'd be stuck here forever and starve to death. He was going to die in here.

Floor 39

Running - Saturday Afternoon

The jog on the meadow earlier had felt good. Really good. Good enough that he returned the book he had been studying and came up to the Gym. Nobody was there for the moment, but he made a sweeping check just in case before sitting down next to the track and removing his boots and gloves. The headgear came off next, stashed neatly next to the other items. It'd been a long time since he ran just for the sake of running, and he was hoping his feet weren't too out of condition for it.

Reno massaged the bottom of both feet for a minute or two before standing up. Oh, right... the belt and the pauldron. Making a face, he dropped those as well. Who the hell came up with the entire one pauldron idea, anyway? It looked stupid.

Feeling a bit more free, he stretched out a bit before walking out on to the track, getting the feel with his feet. They didn't seem too badly off, if he started slowly. For the first half of the track, he walked, slowly building up speed to where he could break into a jog at the mark. Another half of the track, and he bolted. Feet pounded into the floor, the smooth track cool against them, the shock vibrating up through his arches. He started grinning, feeling the wind in his hair. It felt good to let everything out. This had always been what he most wanted to do. Just to run.

Elena - Sunday Night - Closed

Reno adjusted the cuff of his suit, straightening it and the entire arm out so it wouldn't wrinkle up. After that... incident earlier, he almost wanted to call it off, but being a Turk took precedence. The change of clothes was quick, though this time he took the extra effort of prying the tie that went with this particular suit out of the hidden inside pocket and wore it. He might have also tucked in his shirt and zipped up the blazer, but who was paying attention? He wasn't, and when it dawned on him he had done it almost automatically, he shook his head. Well, the chief had always wanted him to wear the damn thing properly. Might as well start doing it now. Reno was the chief now... he had to set examples.

When did he start caring about examples?

Trying very hard not to let it get to him, he sat down on one of the weight stations and waited for Elena to show. She would, of course. There was no doubt in his mind she would ignore a summons like that, not when he went the extra effort to make it sound all professional.

Shion and Diarmuid - Monday - 0900 - Closed (forward dated a bit)

This was the meeting place they had specified. Reno had dragged Shion down to the gym this morning. To say it didn't chafe a bit that he had to even turn Shion over to someone else for a while would be a lie, and it did chafe. Shion's welfare was more important than Reno's ego, however, and he couldn't justify making the kid try things they had already tried before. It was time for outside resources, something he didn't have as easy access to in the Tower.

Reno was leaning against the wall in his Raven uniform, arms folded and glancing over at the kid every so often. The visor was down, so whatever he was thinking about wasn't immediately apparent.

Catchall for Candy Paranoia - Week of the 20th - 26th

The intensifying, nagging feelings that had plagued him all that first day only got harder to ignore, but in some ragged depths Reno held on. He was determined not to play Ruana's stupid game. He went about in practically only his Raven uniform, hiding his face from even those closest to him.

You may be able to encounter him in the common areas, or hiding out in one of the outdoors or the Upper Tower.

This prompt has increasing warnings of high paranoia, fear, and potential violence the later into the week.

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Diarmuid waits a moment to see if Reno will say anything. When the other man remains quiet, he takes it as a sign to continue, "The last thing we want you to do is lie. That is why I asked what I did. You shouldn't hold your blame and worry in so. If you cannot do something, we want to know that in advance so we know where to work from."

He gives Shion's shoulder another comforting squeeze, "For instance, now we know where we have to start. You need to work on not blaming yourself for everything little thing that happens because that lack of faith in yourself sets you up for failure when it comes to controlling your emotions. I know that sounds like an impossible task, but I have faith that you can do it. It make take some trial and a lot of error, but will happen."

Shion blinked at him and after a long moment nodded slowly, his breathing normalising after another long moment. "Okay..." He could do that, he could work on it. It did seem an impossible task though.

"One small step at a time. Failure may happen, but as long as you pick yourself up and learn from it, it is not truly a failure. What we are trying to do here is a very different kind of training than what you have done previously," Diarmuid nods toward Reno before looking back at Shion. "However, it is also similar. What we are trying to do is to discipline your mind as you already have disciplined your body. Learning your weaknesses and beginning to correct for them is a big part of it."

"Shion, when you blame yourself, does it ever run through your mind that you are blaming yourself unnecessarily or do you just blame yourself without even thinking about it?" Diarmuid is already pretty sure he knows the answer, but assuming anything right now is not a risk he is willing to take.

Shion nodded, he would have considered his mind discipline at one time, but he now knew the difference. It hadn't been disciplined but controlled, and not by him. He had been following what he had been told, his mind obedient to No. 6. When Rat had rescued him he had let his mind free, and now it did whatever it liked no matter what Shion tried.

He looked down, "I just... I make lots of mistakes so..." It seemed natural that at least part of things would be his fault.

"Mistakes are a natural part of all of this and not always your fault. So very much can happen at any one time that we cannot hope to be ready for everything. Even when mistakes can be said to be your fault, that shouldn't be something that stops you. It should be something that drives you forward. This is just a guess on my part, but something tells me that to you mistakes are always bad things," Diarmuid gives Shion an inquisitive look. "Am I right?"

"Well they are... people get hurt." Shion told him quietly. He wasn't sure that mistakes could be good. If they were then you wouldn't call them mistakes. You would call them something else, still unintentional but not mistakes.

"Even if they drive you forward they are still bad to make, even if you make up for them by learning from them."

"Shion, d'ya think me gettin' married to Elena and adoptin' you two was a bad mistake to make?" Reno's voice was quiet, a lot more steady than he had been a few minutes before. Shion's responses weren't surprising, but he was worried about the extent of the problem. "I made a mistake last year that led me to get drunk one day... then I opened my mouth and proposed to her. D'ya think that's hurt anyone?"

Diarmuid had been trying to put together an example of how mistakes aren't always back when Reno speaks and gives a better and more relevant example than Diarmuid ever could. That is why he says nothing when Reno finishes speaking and instead waits for Shion to answer.

"That wasn't a mistake!" Shion sounded almost angry, but Reno shouldn't say such things, their family was never a mistake. "You might have not intended to do it but don't call it a mistake. Because it wasn't."

Even if it had been an accident, if Reno had not meant to set off on that path which led to marrying Elena. It was not a bad thing, not ever.

"It was. It was a mistake, one I was making because I thought it was the right thing to do, to protect everyone. Believe it or not, Shion, I act like a jackass sometimes. I'm aware of it. Have been for a long time. I'm not beatin' myself up about it, because it led to Elena and you two. But mistakes don't have to be wrong." Reno was drawing closer now, kneeling down beside Shion. He looked up at Diarmuid helplessly, worried and uncertain, then back to Shion and squeezed his shoulder. "Shion... mistakes aren't good or bad, they just are, and there's no use blamin' yourself for something like that. I'm tryin' so hard here, kiddo... please. Please, I need ya to say it, and mean it."

With a rush, Reno let out a sigh, immediately wishing he had kept his mouth shut. Whatever progress they were making could have been completely shot down by his big fat mouth, again... but so be it.

Shion shook his head, still hating that Reno called it a mistake. Especially since he had been trying to help. He knew that good intentions often resulted in bad things. But he couldn't believe that this had. He blinked at Reno and saw the helplessness there.

Shion hated that he was the cause of that, that it was him who made Reno look so uncertain, his eyes filled with tears and he turned, burying his face in the mans jacket. He shouldn't cry, but he was completely overwhelmed and he felt so bad that he had upset Reno, that Diarmuid's lessons were probably going to achieve nothing because he couldn't even so this small little task.

He bit back the apology knowing that it would make things worse, "Okay... mistakes aren't always bad..."

Diarmuid gently places his hand on Shion's shoulder as the boy buries his face against Reno, "You know he is right. It might only be a small part of you now, but deep down you know he is. You would not be so conflicted and so overwhelmed if that wasn't the case. So cry now. Let out all of your uncertainty and listen to that part of you no matter how quiet it is. It is that part you must learn to hear more often if you really wish to change."

He leans back then, eyes moving from Shion to Reno. Though his words are for them both, it's almost like he is directing them more to Reno at the moment. Perhaps it is because he too had caught that moment of helplessness in the man's eyes, "Expressing words and your feelings honestly is never the wrong thing to do. Even if it seems like all it causes is hurt and pain at the time, in the long run it is always better than keeping those feeling in. Mistakes are the same way. They might seem like they are wrong in the present, but in the future there are always benefits as long as you don't let that pain stop you before you reach them."

Reno knew what the man was doing, glancing back up at him when Shion buried against the coat of his uniform, his hand still on Shion's one shoulder. In an instant, the look of worry and helplessness vanished, and those shattered, rickety barriers slamming into place, his eyes taking on a neutral cast.

"Cry all y'want, Shion... pain isn't anything to be afraid of, it just lets ya know you're alive... Think on what Diarmuid's said. I know you can do it. I would've given you the pin if you couldn't."

The touch grounded him but still the tears came and he clung to Reno's arm, feeling embarassed but knowing they were right. Pain was just the proof that they were human, something so missing in No. 6 and something that was real here, despite everything.

He nodded, because they were right and though it was hard he would have to do it. "Okay..." He took a deep breath, clinging to Reno like a life line.

Diarmuid frowns slightly as he watches Reno shut himself away back behind his walls. He understands how easy it can be to do that instead of actually letting others see what is inside, but how can they ask Shion to show so much of himself to them and dig down to find the truth of his emotions if they are not willing to do it themselves?

It is something he will have to talk to the other man about, but later when Shion isn't around.

"Cry as long as you need to, Shion. There is no reason to rush yourself. It is true we have limited time, but as I have said before some things cannot be rushed. What we are doing now is trying to build a foundation, and we must build it strong or else all of our work later will be for nothing."

Focusing back on Shion, Reno ruffled a hand through Shion's white hair, pretending nothing had happened. Whatever that had been about, he would deal with it later, right now Shion needed him and all his attention. "Shion, can ya sit up on your own? Don't hide... it's no shame if ya hold your head up. I'll be here."

Sitting up was hard, though he knew that neither Reno nor Diarmuid was judging him, not hiding was hard. He took a shaky breath and sat further up, hands still clutching Reno like he was the only one to prevent him from completely collapsing.

But he sat up, and slowly removed one hand to wipe his eyes, holding hid head up like he had been told, though his knees automatically came to his chest, protectively. "I'm... okay..." He took another deep breath, "I can do it."

Diarmuid smiles gently at Shion, glad when the boy sits up, even if that curled up and closed off body posture worries him some. Another thing to ask Reno about.

"Of course, you can. We both believe you can. You are the only one who doubts and that is something we need to fix. I want you to make 'I can do it' your mantra now. Anytime you doubt, you need to think that. Over and over again," Diarmuid gives Shion's shoulder a squeeze, hoping that it will get the boy to look at him. "We have come far today and found several things you need to work on. I think that is good for now."

"This is where I give you your homework. I need you to spend time looking into yourself and really questioning your emotions. Question why you blame yourself. Question why you doubt yourself. And when it gets too painful remember, 'I can do it.' Do you understand? I am sorry to say, but if you thought this time was hard, next time we meet will probably be much harder."

Shion nodded, wiping his eyes again. I can do it, just four words though they sounded like the hardest words he would ever have to think. His eyes flickered up at Diarmuid when his shoulder was squeezed, focussing on the contact, letting it ground him.

He forced himself to keep looking up as he was given his homework, questioning himself was something he tended to avoid. But if it would help find control, stop him being such a burden to those around him. He could try, he could do it.

"I understand." He nodded, "If things are easy they are probably not worth doing." He was pretty sure life was meant to be hard, it was like Reno had said, pain was proof that you were human. People only went through life pain free in places like No. 6, false comfort, obedient to the government, never feeling or thinking.

Real life was painful and though it did not surprise Shion that he still couldn't handle it the least he could do was master these lessons.

"They may be worth doing, but they will often not be worth as much as those which require more time and effort from you. You like keeping good notes on things, so this is probably something I don't need to say, but I am going to anyway. When you do your thinking, write it down. Sometimes things that don't make sense in your head, will make a lot more sense in writing. When we meet again, bring those notes, so they can help you more easily talk about what you have discovered," Diarmuid gives Shion's shoulder another squeeze and then looks toward Reno.

"Is there anything you want to add?"

Rubbing Shion's back to comfort him, Reno shook his head. "I know you can do it, Shion. Not much more to say now. You memorize what Diarmuid said and if you run into trouble, I'll try to help."

Shooting a knowing glance at Diarmuid, he released Shion and stood up, ruffling the kid's white hair. There was an unspoken promise in that glance, whether for good or ill, his expression wasn't going to tell.

Shion nodded, though writing these things down was a challenge in it's own right. Writing things down would give them life outside of his own head and that concept was scary.

But he nodded both at Reno and Diarmuid, "I will... thank you." His voice broke a bit again at the last, he knew they were both doing a lot to help him, and knew that dealing with him in this state was probably difficult.

Diarmuid has learned well the power of writing things down since he arrived in the Tower, and that is the exact reason he is asking Shion to do it. Words give the idea and feelings life and that is the only way they can truly be understood.

"Don't be afraid to ask one of us for help. That's not a failure on your part. That is being smart and knowing your limits. When you are brave enough to go to someone and ask them to help with your weakness, that is a sign of true strength."

Shion nodded, he still wasn't sure of that. Though he knew that no one could do anything alone, he still saw Rat's way as idea, trusting only yourself. And the fact he couldn't was a weakness of his rather than any flaw in Rat's ideology.

"Thank you. I will make sure to ask... if I need help."

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