[She’s said her peace. Somewhat. Not really. It’s more of the tip of the iceberg of everything that she’s been thinking about, what she’d been feeling over the last several weeks but couldn’t quite put into words. Not without going into a tirade that could end up in a horrible mess of hiccupping words and frustrated tears. She remains silent instead, respectful in the fact he had let her ramble without interruption. But where she had held his gaze when she spoke with him, the fact that he turned away from her and sat on the staircase left her feeling uncomfortable. Insecure. Thankful that she stood behind him where he couldn’t see her and the concern and insecurity that showed itself in the pulling and picking of her sleeves.
Bit by bit, the things he tells her fits into the pieces that she found were missing in the overall picture she had been struggling to create. Some of it makes sense – her initial reaction upon her return. He thought she had lost it, she had really only been laughing at the sheer irony of the situation. He didn’t like talking about his problems and neither did she – they were things too hard and too difficult to bring up with words. Giving a name to the monsters and demons that plagued them both. But then there were things that didn’t make sense. Elena had thought that she’d not given any inclination that anything had happened during Ruana’s Valentines Day incident beyond light-hearted conversation and awkward touches. It was a period she preferred to not think of, even though there were times when they were in the presence of each other that there was that feeling of awkwardness. An underlying feeling that they shared a different sort of connection that would never really be acknowledged verbally, but understood.
Blood chills to ice at the mention of Sephiroth carrying body parts – her body parts – and she wants to be sick. All color wanes and hands come to her mouth, both in shock and to prevent any potential upheaval of her earlier meal. This…this was news to her. That he had mutilated her body and had doted on them while the rest of her corpse was left behind. Her entire body felt cold, trembling just faintly with the new knowledge. And it’s that position that he finds her when he turns to look at her, all pale and shaking with hands at her lips. But neither move, neither can. Pandora’s box had been opened and its contents – their thoughts and feelings and concerns – were to finally be addressed. For good or ill. And there was a lot of ill. A lot of negativity coming from him, more than she had expected or anticipated. So much being held in that Elena isn’t sure how he’s managed to continue without breaking. Unless those tears were the start of that break, in which case she had failed in the self-appointed task of preventing it from happening.
Elena half collapses, half lowers herself to the ground, knees pressed tightly together and legs tucked beneath her. Hands curled into loose fists, pressing firmly into the hard tile, fighting the desperate urge to touch, to comfort. She would, in time, once everything had been aired out and cleaned.]
...What I don’t get is why you thought that it was okay to lie to me. To stay away. If you want to be a hero, you have to be around so you can jump in and perform the rescue. If you’re gone, how will you know when I or the kids need saving?
As for what happened in September, I think there was a bit of a misunderstanding. I wasn’t cracking – I was honestly laughing at our situation. Laughing that how I had barely come out alive from being tortured and tested – experimented on you might even say – for information and here I am, back in this place to undergo the same things again. Only with the added benefit of learning that I’m dead now. And that I get to undergo the same torture here while remembering what happened back home and having nightmares several times a week.
We’re broken people, Reno. We were broken before we came here and continue to break. Tseng and I…we were able to cope with what happened because we relied on each other. There was that unspoken connection that we had – that you and I should have – that allowed us to communicate through looks and touch so we could give the other support. I…[Words hitch, memories flooding forward. Pain and blood and black water and watching Tseng being tortured and watching him watch her undergo the same. She swallows hard before continuing.] There were nights where we took turns consoling each other letting the other have their moment to just cry. Because we have to allow ourselves those moments of weakness to remain strong.
[Like she was having to be at that very moment. Even when she wanted to bury herself under what would be deadly levels of alcohol to make the memories go away. To stop the feeling of ghost fingers and blades from touching and cutting. But this was a far greater priority than herself, would always be. Because she has nothing to return to, no home. Here she has him and their little family. That needed protecting above anything else.]
I yell at you because…I know you want to be the hero, but I’m no damsel. I’m a Turk and I don’t just sit back and wait to be rescued. And, more than that…I’m beyond saving. I told you I would walk with you through Hell if it meant we could keep the kids safe and I meant it. Because they’re the better part of us that needs saving. Because that’s how we can atone for everything we’ve done.
[Tears. Tears were her greatest weakness, never fully giving them the respect they deserved until Northern Crater. It was there she learned the value of a good, healthy cry and the level of trust required to have that sort of breakdown in front of another person. Throughout her entire soliloquy her expression had remained calm, concerned with a hint of understanding, and still firm in her stance. The angry fire was gone, though embers still remained smoldering. Reminder her why she had started this.]
Stop apologizing and stop being an idiot, Reno. You don’t have to do anything alone. If I choose to join you in hell, if I choose to fight beside you and become a casualty, so be it. It’s my choice to support you and be your partner when you take on the world. Because while Rusty, bless his soul, may have struggled and broke down, you have something he does not. You have us; the kids and I. We can be that little extra that pushes you on, gives you that extra power and strength you need.
[Those last sentances, though. Those are their own special attack to her calm, pushing past the protective mask and digging deep. Did he hear how contradictory he sounded? She probably thought not. Not when his emotions were raw and exposed. Not when he was close to breaking her own resolve without even knowing it.]
Please, don’t…don’t sound like you’re regretting it. Regretting everything we’ve done here. You’ve done nothing that I didn’t willingly agree to. Just…stop hiding from me. Stop avoiding me. Tell me everything, no matter how hard it is and I’ll do the same. You don’t have to be strong all the time...
no subject
Bit by bit, the things he tells her fits into the pieces that she found were missing in the overall picture she had been struggling to create. Some of it makes sense – her initial reaction upon her return. He thought she had lost it, she had really only been laughing at the sheer irony of the situation. He didn’t like talking about his problems and neither did she – they were things too hard and too difficult to bring up with words. Giving a name to the monsters and demons that plagued them both. But then there were things that didn’t make sense. Elena had thought that she’d not given any inclination that anything had happened during Ruana’s Valentines Day incident beyond light-hearted conversation and awkward touches. It was a period she preferred to not think of, even though there were times when they were in the presence of each other that there was that feeling of awkwardness. An underlying feeling that they shared a different sort of connection that would never really be acknowledged verbally, but understood.
Blood chills to ice at the mention of Sephiroth carrying body parts – her body parts – and she wants to be sick. All color wanes and hands come to her mouth, both in shock and to prevent any potential upheaval of her earlier meal. This…this was news to her. That he had mutilated her body and had doted on them while the rest of her corpse was left behind. Her entire body felt cold, trembling just faintly with the new knowledge. And it’s that position that he finds her when he turns to look at her, all pale and shaking with hands at her lips. But neither move, neither can. Pandora’s box had been opened and its contents – their thoughts and feelings and concerns – were to finally be addressed. For good or ill. And there was a lot of ill. A lot of negativity coming from him, more than she had expected or anticipated. So much being held in that Elena isn’t sure how he’s managed to continue without breaking. Unless those tears were the start of that break, in which case she had failed in the self-appointed task of preventing it from happening.
Elena half collapses, half lowers herself to the ground, knees pressed tightly together and legs tucked beneath her. Hands curled into loose fists, pressing firmly into the hard tile, fighting the desperate urge to touch, to comfort. She would, in time, once everything had been aired out and cleaned.]
...What I don’t get is why you thought that it was okay to lie to me. To stay away. If you want to be a hero, you have to be around so you can jump in and perform the rescue. If you’re gone, how will you know when I or the kids need saving?
As for what happened in September, I think there was a bit of a misunderstanding. I wasn’t cracking – I was honestly laughing at our situation. Laughing that how I had barely come out alive from being tortured and tested – experimented on you might even say – for information and here I am, back in this place to undergo the same things again. Only with the added benefit of learning that I’m dead now. And that I get to undergo the same torture here while remembering what happened back home and having nightmares several times a week.
We’re broken people, Reno. We were broken before we came here and continue to break. Tseng and I…we were able to cope with what happened because we relied on each other. There was that unspoken connection that we had – that you and I should have – that allowed us to communicate through looks and touch so we could give the other support. I…[Words hitch, memories flooding forward. Pain and blood and black water and watching Tseng being tortured and watching him watch her undergo the same. She swallows hard before continuing.] There were nights where we took turns consoling each other letting the other have their moment to just cry. Because we have to allow ourselves those moments of weakness to remain strong.
[Like she was having to be at that very moment. Even when she wanted to bury herself under what would be deadly levels of alcohol to make the memories go away. To stop the feeling of ghost fingers and blades from touching and cutting. But this was a far greater priority than herself, would always be. Because she has nothing to return to, no home. Here she has him and their little family. That needed protecting above anything else.]
I yell at you because…I know you want to be the hero, but I’m no damsel. I’m a Turk and I don’t just sit back and wait to be rescued. And, more than that…I’m beyond saving. I told you I would walk with you through Hell if it meant we could keep the kids safe and I meant it. Because they’re the better part of us that needs saving. Because that’s how we can atone for everything we’ve done.
[Tears. Tears were her greatest weakness, never fully giving them the respect they deserved until Northern Crater. It was there she learned the value of a good, healthy cry and the level of trust required to have that sort of breakdown in front of another person. Throughout her entire soliloquy her expression had remained calm, concerned with a hint of understanding, and still firm in her stance. The angry fire was gone, though embers still remained smoldering. Reminder her why she had started this.]
Stop apologizing and stop being an idiot, Reno. You don’t have to do anything alone. If I choose to join you in hell, if I choose to fight beside you and become a casualty, so be it. It’s my choice to support you and be your partner when you take on the world. Because while Rusty, bless his soul, may have struggled and broke down, you have something he does not. You have us; the kids and I. We can be that little extra that pushes you on, gives you that extra power and strength you need.
[Those last sentances, though. Those are their own special attack to her calm, pushing past the protective mask and digging deep. Did he hear how contradictory he sounded? She probably thought not. Not when his emotions were raw and exposed. Not when he was close to breaking her own resolve without even knowing it.]
Please, don’t…don’t sound like you’re regretting it. Regretting everything we’ve done here. You’ve done nothing that I didn’t willingly agree to. Just…stop hiding from me. Stop avoiding me. Tell me everything, no matter how hard it is and I’ll do the same. You don’t have to be strong all the time...