towerofanimus | So much to offer, yet nothing to give.

Entry tags:

So much to offer, yet nothing to give.

Characters: Charles Xavier and whomever.
Setting: Floor number twenty-five.
Format: Paragraph format, but anything is fine.
Summary: Charles laying in the meadow with his feelings. Manly tears and angst abound.
Warnings: None. G for tears?

Everything had piled up.

After finding himself needing to be rescued all the time, or not being able to help, at least not anyway that made a difference. Instead usually hurting those he tried to help... Charles was tired. He was tired and worn and he couldn't keep up the visage of being okay anymore.

Having woken up in the tower after the nightmare of all those monsters. People fighting and him not being able to do anything, just be a liability, people probably died, and everyone so close together in such pain, and the anger and the fright and everything had gotten to him, beaten down on his mind and he'd been able to do nothing but curl fingers tight in his hair and hold his head. If he'd died during it, Charles couldn't remember, didn't want to remember. But after waking up from that and feeling numb, not wanting to move or do much of anything, he figured that it would be worse for him not to get up, he'd done enough of not getting up before he'd been brought to the tower as it was.
So he'd checked to see who was in the tower, a light scan with his mind, Erik was here, Molly, others who's minds he'd touched briefly before, new minds. Minds he couldn't quite touch, but that was fine. He just wanted a basic idea as it was. Happy that he still knew people here, yet not, he decided to take a look around, see if anything had changed, if things were 'normal'. And in doing so found one of the new floors.

It was beautiful really, flowers that never seemed to end, a lovely meadow. Wheeling through it in his wheelchair he'll come to a stop eventually, peering around and inhale deeply. Eyes closing he'll let his breath out, just needing a moment, before he'll work himself out of his chair and awkwardly manage to get himself laying on his back, next to said chair, looking up from the flood of flowers around him. It's there, alone, with only his thoughts and the sea of flowers that he'll feel tears stain his cheeks, sliding down slowly. Fingers touch gingerly at the wetness and Charles will scoff at himself, before letting his hand fall beside him.

No matter how hard he tried to not let everything get to him, to be strong and help people and just do what he thought was right.

He just felt so useless.

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"And here I thought I hadn't done anything to upset you."

Erik spoke casually, moving to stand at Charles's head, looking down at him. His face was impassive--but for a moment, a flicker of concern it, before smoothing out into nothing. He had been wandering, looking for Charles.

Despite all that had transpired, he truly hadn't had any time to discuss the situation between them at length. There was always something going on; a battle to be fought, a nightmare to be overcome.

It ran Erik raggid, and he couldn't pretend that he was handling it well. Experimentation...torture. Games. Puppets on strings. It was what he had sworn his life would never become again.

And yet here he was, suffering under it, once more.

But Erik pushed that out of his mind for now, instead focusing on Charles, and his tears.

The moment he hears Erik's voice, blue eyes shoot open and he'll feel instant guilt.

Here he was, laying here feeling miserable for himself and Erik was the one who had any right to feel terrible, or upset. But Charles just felt bad for himself because he couldn't do anything. The feeling is heavy and a slight sense of guilt might brush against Erik's own mind, without Charles meaning to. Quick to push himself up, one arm holding himself up, the other comes up, wiping at his face with his sleeve, trying to get rid of tears, face blotchy and red from crying.

"You've done nothing." Charles tries to sound collected, but his voice is a bit out of sorts from his weeping. He hates how it cracks ever so slightly, and he'll clear his throat.

"It's noting, I'm sorry you had to see me like this." Stupid, stupid Charles. He should have known better as it was, all crying had ever got him was in trouble anyway. Or ignored. At least growing up anyway. Raven had been the only real one to be there when he cried, but as he grew up he grew out of relying on her to be a shoulder to cry on. He should be the strong one as it was.

Yet here he felt anything but.

Erik felt the guilt and promptly rolled his eyes.

"Stop pitying yourself, Charles. I am not sure what you feel guilty about, but wallowing in self-loathing and doubt isn't going to get us anywhere."

His tone had an edge to it, a lack of patience. He didn't truly understand where this was coming from. While Xavier was no longer able to walk (and who's fault was that, hm? Not the telepath's, exactly. But someone else entire), he still had his abilities. That wasn't crippled, except by this tower, just as Erik's had been, with time.

But despite his harsh words, Erik moved to kneel down next to his friend, a hand moving out to squeeze his shoulder, running a thumb along a tight muscle, looking into his bright blue eyes.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to continue to make harsh comments that might be very off base." A flicker of a smile then. Come now, Charles. He's trying.

Erik's words are like a slap to the face, but ones he feels he needs. Sniffing sharply he'll then clear his throat again.

Strong Charles. Strong. You can't let this get to you, Erik clearly has no desire to see you like this. Or this is what Charles tells himself. The hand on his shoulder doesn't get the warmest of receptions as he'll tug his shoulder away from it, before feeling that probably wasn't the best thing to do. Shoulders sagging he'll look a bit defeated and look at Erik, sullen in appearance, as much as he tried not to be.

"It is nothing to worry yourself about, Erik. But thank you for the concern just the same." And he'll try to move the conversation away from himself, talking about it won't make it better, and besides it will only make him wallow in his own self pity more. Another small sniff and he'll look away, eyes focusing on a flower his fingers brush against.

"What can I do for you, my friend? You clearly didn't come here to find me to watch me cry like a little boy."

When Charles tugs away from him, Erik's hand closed into a fist as he tried to control his emotions; the feeling of rejection, simmering hard and hot in the pit of his stomach. He was attempting to help the best way he knew how. He reached out as Charles always wanted him to, and apparently the idiot didn't want that.

Fine.

Fine.

Taking a deep breath, Erik set his jaw, the muscle there flexing as he was silent for a few moments, looking out into the distance, instead of Charles's face. He didn't move to stand; he wasn't giving up just yet. But another sound rejection like that, and Erik would see it as a sign to simply stop trying.

Finally, he looked back down at his friend seriously. "I came to make sure you were all right. Which you're clearly not. I'm--" He paused for a moment, then breathed out. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. But both of us feel useless here. It isn't just you."

It wasn't that he didn't want it, it was just the way Erik had gone about it felt like he was forcing himself to do it out of some obligation. Not because he cared.

Or perhaps Charles was really just in a right mood and should stop over thinking and not open his mouth until he was sure he wouldn't put his foot so far down his throat he might choke himself. And ruin anything between him and Erik.

"Believe me, I know this. I know it very well, which is why I don't want you to feel like you have to humor me and talk about this." Erik probably felt much the same, all the frustration and pent up emotions, but he wasn't here sobbing like some heart broken maiden, now was he?

But even then, part of Charles wanted to point out that Erik could still do so much more than him. Erik could still help people if things happened, even if his powers were stripped from him. Charles was nothing without his powers. Just a cripple in a wheelchair, a liability. But then he didn't want to go about guilting Erik over that, he didn't blame Erik for it, but it was difficult not to let it get to him at times.

"And don't apologize over snapping, you're right. It won't change anything or help if I sit here and wallow in my own self pity."

"You know me well enough, Charles. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be." He would have stood up and walked away. That was typical for how he dealt with emotion, with things that hit too close to his heart. But Erik was determined that he was going to try. So he stayed, watching his friend with pale eyes. Not touching...but there all the same.

If Charles wanted touch, he'd have to reach for it himself, this time.

"No, but I could have used some tact. Something I sorely lack most days." A smile given, a light chuckle.

Erik felt awkward; would this be the way all their associations went from now on, after that one night? Unsure, hesitant. It wasn't in Erik's nature to be like this, but this was also territory he hadn't broached, ever.

"Then I am sorry for implying otherwise." Erik was correct, he knew, or should have known that.

But still, Charles feels like opening up after closing himself up would be too much. He didn't want to break down in front of Erik, but he wanted to move closer, to drag himself close enough so he could lean against him. Erik's warmth, just sit there and try to forget everything that had happened to the both of them, if only for a little while.

Though after shunning Erik's touch before he has to wonder if the other would let him get close like that. Sniffing a little, Charles will look at his friend, before awkwardly moving himself a little closer, legs angled oddly as he leans against him.

And he hates himself as he feels tears threaten to well up again, he didn't want Erik to have to deal with him blubbering and sobbing like a child. So he'll turn his face to bury it against Erik's arm, inhaling sharply and letting out a shaky breath as he clutched at him. Not speaking, he was sure saying anything would ruin any attempt to not cry.

"I think we can do better than that." After Charles settled against him, Erik tugged him into his lap, pressing his lips against thick hair, breathing in. It was his own distraction as he moved the other's now useless legs into a better position across his own.

Still too skinny, atrophied. But the mind is what mattered most; and that wasn't injured...psychologically a bit, perhaps--but still whole.

"It's okay, Charles."

He wrapped an arm around a waist, squeezing.

"You aren't alone."

As Erik gets him settled in his lap, Charles' arms wrap around his shoulders, face buried against where shoulder and neck meet. He'll shake his head a little, sniffling again, and he instantly regrets the moment he knows he's going to open his mouth.

"It's not alright, Erik." Damp cheeks are stained with a few tears again as they slide down, Charles not caring to try and stop them now.

"Nothing here is alright, no matter how much I try to trick myself otherwise. No matter how I act or what I say, or what I try to convey to everyone else, it's not--" A shudder of breath and tears and he'll just hug Erik's neck. He's thankful for Erik putting up with him, for staying with him right now when he could have walked away.

"I'm so sorry." For many things, things they haven't really discussed since they happened. For right now. He's sorry and yet he feels that it isn't enough to say that, but all he can do right now is cling to Erik as if his life depends on it and sobs quietly into his shoulder. Something he hoped to never do again, he didn't want to be weak like this, he wanted to be strong for his friend, Erik had so much more to deal with here than he did. This whole place was a nightmare for him and yet here he was crying to the one man who he should be consoling.

"...it is." Erik frowned, rubbing Charles's back, pressing lips to hair once more. He doesn't know how to comfort anyone. He can barely comfort himself, most days. But this is what he wanted to do, to try.

"...what would the great Magneto be without his Professor?"

We have each other.

It's small, and solves nothing. But Erik, who had nothing for so long, clings to that. Because while he had been through nightmares like this before--it had always been alone.

But this time? He wasn't. And neither was Charles. It mattered.

Charles is quiet, beyond sniffles, as he ponders that question. If Erik didn't have him, he would be free to do as he wished, without the thought of knowing he disapproved at every step. He wouldn't have him to fight him at every turn. There would be no telepath to butt heads with over humans and mutant rights and how to go about things.

Erik would be better off, Charles will think. But then he can her Erik, his thought and he knows that's not quiet true. While there was truth to it, Charles knew that it hurt Erik to leave him, to hurt him, and that both of them would do things different if given the chance. Maybe only slightly, but enough of a difference to perhaps end up together in their conflict, not like this.

It is more than I could ask for... I am lucky you would have me again, my friend.

So very lucky.

But there is that lingering thought in his mind of what would happen if they did ever actually leave the tower. If they were able to go home. Would it be like his nightmare realm? Part of him feared it would tear them apart once again.

Considering the history, I think I'm the one who has the better deal.

That after all that's happened, Charles didn't hate him. There were still ideological gaps, chasms that may never be crossed. But emotionally...they had mended the fence. And that was no small thing.

Nosing into the other's hair, he pulled back, hand resting against Charles' neck, a thumb brushing over cheek. "...feel better?"

He won't get into an argument over who got the better what and all that. It was best not to invite turmoil into their lives more than it forced itself in already.

"... a little." A small nod accompanies his words, and he'll lean his head ever so into the touch of Erik's hand, looking up at him. He doesn't think, just does as he'll tug himself up, fingers curled in Erik's shirt and kisses him. Charles needed it, it had been some time since they'd shared the intimate gesture. Since they'd had a moment or second to think of sharing a moment like this.

Not that they had really had any real moments beyond that first time they'd really kissed. After that things had been awkward more than anything. The kiss lingers, but it's soft, and he'll break it to allow a small smile.

"Perhaps a little better than I thought."

Erik wasn't the physic of the two, and while he might have seen the kiss coming, it still surprised him slightly. This kiss was in such contrast to what their first had been--violent, crushing. But it made sense in a way; the first had been a reflection of Erik himself, this one, of Charles.

Giving a smile back, he quirked an eyebrow. "Well I hope you don't kiss everyone who makes you feel better." A chuckle, and he slides a hand up through the other's hair.

"Because I'm horrible at sharing." A tease he feels comfortable making, in light of everything. Erik leaned down to kiss Charles again, deepening it slow and easy.

As a hand slides into his hair, he finds his eyes closing on their own accord, loving the feeling of it. He'd always enjoyed the feel of fingers in his hair, such a calming affect, a good sensation against his scalp. Getting his hair cut was always rather enjoyable for this fact, he could remember the few times he'd dozed off during such visits to get his hair trimmed.

He hardly wishes to sleep now, but it lulls him into a hazy warm state of mind.

"Mm... no, I cannot say I do." Murmured, before Erik claims his lips in another kiss. This was nice, better than what he'd imagined would happen when Erik showed up here with him. A pleasant distraction from his pity party and negative train of thought.

Erik let the kiss continue for a few more minutes, taking his time to explore Charles's mouth in the light of day, away from the darkness, and the desperateness of their other trysts.

Breaking the kiss, he leaned back against he chair, staring up at the ceiling of the room, fingers still stroking through Charles's hair.

"I wouldn't mind spending the rest of the day like this."

Head leaned against Erik's shoulder his fingers rest on the other, lightly running over the fabric of his shirt.

"... could we?" A selfish idea, staying away here all day, not caring at all what happened else where in the tower.

"Why not?" Erik frowned slightly, shaking his head. "It's not like there is anything else for us to do in this place."

Finding an exit wasn't proving to be very fruitful.

No. No it wasn't. Not able to get in contact with their gracious hosts in quite some time, or find anything out at all... it was looking rather grim in any way out.

But he didn't want to think about that. He just wanted to have one day where it was just him and Erik. Nothing else. Just this one day of complete selfishness.

Charles won't bother to say anything, just curl fingers in Erik's shirt to tug himself up a bit to kiss Erik again. Greedy and selfish, that was Charles Xavier today. He wouldn't deny it.

Chuckling against Charles's lips, Erik let the other take control of the kiss, wrapping an arm around his waist to help support his body, taking pressure off his arms. Opening his mouth to the other man, he let his tongue dart out, before retreating.

The support was appreciated, and really Erik was an amazing support for him in the Tower in general as it was. They both were for each other. Sometimes they were better at it than other times, but they did try their best regardless.

His own tongue chases Erik's into the mutant's mouth, tilting his head to better get an angle to delve his tongue inside, a soft pleased noise escaping him. It was easy to focus on this, to forget everything was happening around them, a small escape, and he would take it gladly.

When he needs a bit of air, lungs complaining he'll pull back just enough to breath.

"My friend, has anyone ever told you you're quite the kisser?"

"No, actually." Erik chuckled, "But I'm perfectly fine from hearing it from you, now." He brushed his fingers through the other's hair slowly, pressing his lips to his forehead gently.

"Are you comfortable?" Erik couldn't imagine that having to sustain his position with his upper arms could be that comfortable.

And he'll ever so slightly tilt his head up into the lips pressed against his forehead.

"I will be fine like this." Which meant no, but really he didn't mind it. He was with Erik and they were for the time being, having a very good day. A moment in time where nothing else mattered and he didn't wish to ruin it.

"And I dislike being lied to." Erik smiled, slightly, and shifted them both down, laying out in the grass. It took pressure of his own back (the chair dug into the lower half), and allowed Charles to spread out more, without having to take so much weight on his arms.

"Better?"

Charles will just give a soft huff of a noise and smile against Erik's shoulder. He does approve of the new position though, and nods.

"Much." And he'll be momentarily distracted by a flower that seems to have snuck between them, sticking out from the ground. Fingers touch at petals and he'll seem to ponder on plucking it, before doing so. He'll bring it up and poke Erik on the nose with it.

He's feeling rather silly in mood now. Thanks to the other mutant.

Erik just raised an eyebrow, wrinkling his nose slightly. "Really, Charles." He chuckled, capturing the flower from the other's hand, before tucking it behind the younger telepath's ear.

"I didn't know you were a teenage girl."

"I do apologize, my friend. I did mean to inform you at some time or another. I admit it slipped my mind after a while." He tries to sound serious, but lips quirk a little at the corners of his lips, a smile threatening to ruin it all.

"Though I cannot say if that color does anything for me." Charles reaches up to touch at the flower in his hair.

"You look fine." Erik dropped down to kiss Charles again, quickly. He didn't mean to, but this thing was making him sad, on some level. That this wouldn't continue for long.

That they would find a way out, and it would be over. Things wouldn't change. The rift would continue, just as it always had.

Charles more than happy to oblige more kisses, as really the same fears plague him and he's more than willing to take what he can here. It is probably cruel to continue as they are with each other in this place, but both of them didn't seem to care.

Fingers clutch in Erik's shirt as he tilts his head up into the kiss, needy. He would be fine staying like this as long as the other mutant would allow.

This could be considered quite romantic after all. Laying in a field of flowers with the man he loved, kissing. Straight out of some silly romance novel.

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So much to offer, yet nothing to give.

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