towerofanimus

Entry tags:

006

Characters: Riku/"Tamas" and open/closed/open
Setting: Anywhere over the month of June
Format: Action preferred, but I'll match!
Summary: Riku during June, also having your powers forced out of control really, really sucks
Warnings: Darkness, Angst, possibly violence at one point, but nothing all too graphic

[A - 5th to 19th June - Floors 32 & 25 (Daytime), all around the tower at night]

[Even with cafeteria, restaurant and the power down, Riku only alters his routine to fit the circumstances - he isn't all too worried about himself; he's more than capable to manage himself. Every now and then he can be found gathering food or hunting on Floor 32 - he isn't above using the monsters as food source, but if he could manage otherwise, well... - but if he isn't, he's most likely continuing with studying... with less and less result as the month goes by admittedly.

At night he is out on the hunt though, clearing out groups of monsters where he knows he can take them... though he is even more cautious than usual. With all supplies limited, he really can't effort being reckless after all.]

[B - 20th June - Floor 13 - closed to Kairi]

[He has noticed that something has started to go wrong, that Soul Eater summoned itself, that his Dark Firagas flare a little more strongly than he intends them to. It's not the first time that this has happened; he recognizes it from just a few months ago, when the collars had gone haywire...

But it's getting even worse this time, because he's been feeling his grasp on the darkness inside him slip more and more in the passing week, has felt the part of it that's not his own swell and push and despite his best tries to regain control of it and himself while going on - he is slowly starting to lose himself.

Today, it's growing bad enough to make him dizzy, to the point where he just stumbles over his feet and against the wall - cold, strong stone maybe slightly soothing - breath shuddering as he reaches up, his right hand settling over his heart while his left clings to the wall. Maybe if he rests here for just a moment, he can get the Darkness back in check.]

[C - 20th to 24th June - all around the tower]

[Even though Riku would never admit so out loud, his transformed state does have some upsides. First and foremost that he can think more clearly again; though he feels slight bouts of dizziness, they are far, far less distracting now. (There is also the very clear upside of finer control over the Darkness around him and the increase of physical strength, but honestly... he would prefer being himself. But then again... this has never been about his preferences.)

Even with Kairi knowing, he cannot help but distance himself from who he had been, from who he might never be again, if things went wrong... The last time the tower had messed with his powers, he had transformed back when things had returned to what the tower considered normal, but things had been different then. The Darkness inside him hadn't been as steep.

It's alright though, he supposes... it's all about adjusting, it's just about separating his now-self from who 'Riku' had been. And getting used to the new (in his opinion, well enough fitting) name he has chosen for himself. After all, what else was he now but 'Darkness'...

He has altered his movements now, wandering the tower randomly and staying away from the places Riku is known to linger at, the hood up hiding his face. But he still spends his night on fighting. Or well... practicing just what he can do with his Darkness now. Who knew when that would get handy after all.]

ooc: If you haven't, please take a look at Riku's permissions post!

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[Oh. Oh this was definitely not good. Her arm falls to her side as she stares at the person who now stands in front of her, a hint of fear laying underneath the very apparent worry that hasn't left her face.]

R-Riku? [Even if she wanted to run, her feet now feel rooted to the floor under that gaze.]

[He continues to look just that expressionless for one more moment, before there's flickers of guilt-shame-fear-doubt flickering over his face, replaced by sadness in the next second - he had never wanted for this to happen, for her to see him like this. Not her and not (their) Sora.

When he speaks up a moment later, his voice is his own... though it is a little rough at the start.]

...Yeah. I'm sorry... You shouldn't have had to see this.

[Once his expression actually changes, a ping of hope rises in her. Of course, she hates seeing him upset, even scared, but it shows that she's not looking at a completely different person.

His voice only confirms that her friend is still here. Her lower lip quivers, and she reaches for his hand to take it.]

No... no, it's okay. As long as you're all right...

[He pulls away, taking a step back and reaching up to pull the hood of his cloak over his head - to hide his new form, to be certain that none of the things he is feeling right now - the shame, the doubt, the deep seated fear of rejection - is showing.]

...I'm fine.

[You know... aside of the obvious.]

[Of course.]

You don't have to hide from me, you know. I just want to help.

[Except... yes he does. It hurts to be this close and not himself, to know that he can't stay, that he can't go home - not when he's like this, not even when he isn't... because the shadow is still lingering and Riku refuses to bring that upon the Islands again. Never again.

So there really isn't anything he can do, but keep her at arm's length, to turn away fully now, voice neutral; he is just talking facts after all.]

There's nothing you or anyone else can do. Not about this.

[She won't give up that easily on him, it's just not in her nature.]

I can stay with you. You're still you, you're still my friend.

[He is torn really... for all he has feared her rejection, he had expected it at least, had been mentally preparing himself for it even, but this? Her kindness? That stubborn refusal to do as she should, as would be right in the face of who and what he is right now? He is not quite sure if it doesn't hurt maybe even more than rejection would have (because even though he's longing for her, for Sora, for their companionship, for all the things he had never known to appreciate when they had been a given - some things cannot return, especially to those that do not deserve them and no one is less deserving of them than Riku).

And there is another reason why she should stay away; because even though he has felt the strain of power spiraling out of control lessen, even though he has tightened his grip around that Darkness that is not his own again, there is no telling when he will slip again and what will happen in that case. He has already lost more than just his appearance once in this place... and he is not going risk having her near, if that happens again.

He shakes his head sharply and draws further away.]

No, you can't. You'll only get hurt, if you do.

[And that's just not going to happen, if he has any say in it.]

I will not! [Her hands become fists as she plants them firmly on her waist.] I can take care of myself, Riku.

[She's following him regardless of where he slinks off to.] So don't you dare leave me behind.

[Slowly, he turns back towards her regarding her silently, a snort escaping him and inside he is really only feeling frustration because she is. just. not. getting. it.

As touched as he may be by her words, as glad as he is for them, for her intentions - he cannot allow it and he won't, and if it means scaring her... frightening her just enough so that she will stay away, then that's just fine. It's certainly better than her getting hurt.

When he speaks up, there is a mocking (almost cruelly so) edge to his voice - like he has never used it at her... but plenty times at Sora. Even before leaving the islands.]

Sure you can. It's not like you'd have to run to hide behind Sora- [He lets his voice drop into the deeper tone of Ansem's voice.] -the moment this stops being me. Oh wait... He's sleeping.

[Not to mention, nowhere near ready to take onto someone like the Heartless inside him.

Another snort escapes him; this time it's just as bitter as it is mocking.]

Talk about role reversal. When the time comes, maybe you should come at me with a Keyblade.

[She should have expected him to do something like this, but she didn't. Kairi's stubborn expression crumbles, leaving behind someone who looks just a tad frightened, but mostly hurt.

He's mocking her. Mocking Sora. Her hands fall from her hips down to her sides, and she looks down.]

Why are you doing this?

[Seeing her expression change, seeing the hurt he had caused - just like he's intended to - makes his heart ache in return; he might have hurt her deliberately, if only to make sure she wouldn't be hurt worse by the things lurking inside him.

He could leave now. Could turn away and leave her without answer, but (hopefully) safe for the times being, which is really the most important of all. But... this is Kairi. And she does deserve an honest answer to this. When he speaks up again, the voice is his own and there is no trace bitterness or mockery left in it. Only sadness.]

I'm making a point.

[One that needs to be made, given who else is in the tower.]

I know, you have good intentions. But having just that isn't enough if you can't back it up, Kairi. Not here... and not back home.

[He knows that one from experience. Intentions are important of course - they are defining, allowing to distinguish between darkness and 'evil', between light and 'good', because it's never really about the tool, and always about what and why it's used. But he also knows that that's only part of it, that intentions aren't excuses, because sometimes the larger picture requires questionable actions, and while the outcome doesn't justify the means (never, never again), he has come to understand necessity and the cruelness of it.

It's not something he wants Sora or Kairi to know - it should be enough if it's just him (and well, Naminé) who gets his hands dirty - but even so he needs her to understands that he can't just give, can't just trust her, not knowing what he knows.

They (or at least, Sora and he) have enemies - back home and in the tower - and what hurt he caused her just now is nothing to what Xehanort or the Heartless are capable of doing. Riku has no idea what to do about former and Sora is in no state to deal with either, but at least he has a weapon to call on, and is slowly gaining the skill that Riku knows him to have in his own time. It's different with Kairi.]

[Her eyes are on the floor now. He has a point, as much as she hates to admit it. What good had she really done in the long run? Yes, she'd helped Sora find himself again, but she'd still hid behind him when it came time to fight.

She had to do more than spout words of encouragement. She had to be able to protect her friends. Fight beside them. Protect herself.]

Then help me get past intentions! Teach me to fight, I'll become stronger if it means I can help you and Sora!

I'd do anything for you two.

[He wishes she didn't have to. He really wishes, his own strength were enough to protect her and Sora as well.

He knows, reality is different, and even if he did have the strength (and he doesn't), he knows he can't always be there.

In the end, this is all for the best.]

...I wouldn't be the right person to teach you anything.

[Because, while it's not all he knows, Darkness is all that he knows well enough to teach anyone about. And seeing that there is no Darkness in Kairi at all... (not that he would ever teach her or Sora anything about that unless it couldn't be avoided... like with Other!Sora).]

There is someone else though... a woman called Aqua. If you go to her, she will likely teach you more than Sora or I ever could.

Aqua? [The name, for some reason, sounds vaguely familiar. Of course, she doesn't actually remember meeting Aqua long ago, but for some reason the name itches the back of her mind.]

Who is she?

A keybearer from ten years ago. Every other month she offers to teach magic over the network. She won't turn you away if you approach her directly though.

[She better not at least. Riku had asked her to expect Kairi already months ago after all.]

[She looks torn for a moment. Asking someone she doesn't even know over one of her friends feels wrong, but Riku would know what he's talking about.

So for now... she'll trust him.]

All right. I will ask her.... and then I'll be able to stand at your and Sora's sides.

[...He is glad that she does, at least in this.

The knowledge that this is for the best, that she can't be truly safe until she knows how to keep herself that way on her own, tears at him, because she shouldn't have to - his strength and Sora's... that should have been enough.

But the bitter truth is, that it isn't. Not here. Maybe not even back home.

Not to mention... ultimately he can't guarantee that the will ever be side by side like she hopes them to be. Not with the state his heart is in.

Even so...]

...I look forward to that.

[And with that he lifts his left hand and waves lightly at the space before him, darkness shooting up at his command to form a corridor.]

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