towerofanimus | Circus of silence down at our feet

Entry tags:

Circus of silence down at our feet

Characters: Dave Strider and Bro Strider
Setting: Bro's room in which I forgot the number hahhhh
Format: Either
Summary: Dave isn't very good at the whole ninja and making sure Bro is ok without having to confront the other. And he owes a certain conversation he's not too keen on having.
Warnings: Mentions of death. Emotions. Strider feels.

Dave was still feeling pretty guilty about what happened with his Shadow. He's taken to checking on Bro, using time loops to do it without getting caught. But once in awhile, he'll manually go by Bro's room to see how he's doing.

It was cowardly, but he wasn't really good at confronting this particular problem. After all. It was his fault again that Bro died. If he hadn't been a complete idiot, this could have been avoided. But it was too late to change that, and who knows if the results would have been better or worst. But he wanted to make sure the other was alright. Of course, he lost track of these things when the bodyswap happened. He was too busy with his own crisis to keep up with anyone else. And dying again wasn't something he was too thrilled about. Though, despite it being relatively painful, it was surprisingly not as traumatic. It didn't bother him. Only that he definitely owed Vriska a proper apology. Seeing a bunch of dead hims that weren't technically him is never going to not be kind of unsettling and it probably sucked more for her.

But for now...

He's just going to peek into the room Bro was assigned too. Just a quick peek than he's going to abscond like he usually does.

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Bro's very original intention when he'd told Dave they needed to have this talk was definitely something of a verbal beatdown. Maybe not so harsh, but he had definitely wanted to find out why Dave hadn't mentioned some of the shit he'd heard from the shadow. As painful as it had been to hear about the one thing he'd heard from Dave, he still felt like he should have heard about the rest. It would have pissed him off, but it was better than hiding it from him.

But then Bro had gone and died and it had drastically altered the course the conversation was going to take. Of course he still wanted to hear why Dave had lied to him, but that wasn't the most important part anymore. No, he still needed to apologize for dying. For letting him down. For not being there to help him through all of the shit he'd heard about from the shadow. Because even though he was upset at Dave for not telling him about that, he still blamed himself for not being there to prevent it from happening.

When Dave sat down, he was quiet for a long moment. He could tell how tense Dave was, and he wanted to do something to ease the tension. To get him to realize it was okay, and that he wasn't there to be punished or whatever shit he thought was gonna happen. It took him a few more minutes of deliberation before he finally reached out and placed a hand on Dave's back. He ran his fingers up and down in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. Mostly he just felt kind of awkward doing it.

"How ya been...?" He finally asked, his voice quiet.

That...probably wouldn't have gone very well. It would probably end with Dave feeling even more of a failure and have all the more reason to avoid Bro because of it. Probably not what Bro wants, considering Dave is already so cagey about talking about anything in general.

Dave jumped slightly at the sudden contact. He just...wasn't used to physical contact that wasn't started by him. Everything put him on guard now. It was safer to just assume a sort of attack, given his other run ins with anyone else. After a moment, he relaxed slightly. Not enough to be comfortable, but enough to show that he still trusted Bro.

Dave didn't answer right away. Instead, he kind of thought on it. He could just say he was okay. A default answer that didn't give details but was fairly vague and usually caused people to poke about.

"I died again," Dave finally admitted. He wasn't really upset over it. Maybe confused? A little discombobulated having memories that weren't his flooding through his mind.

At first he nearly withdrew his hand from Dave's back the second he tensed up. But he pushed through it- for once he was sure that it wasn't because Dave was angry or upset with him, but because he was just on guard. And Bro couldn't blame him for that, with all of the shit that he's gone through. Bro would be on guard too. So he kept it up until and after Dave relaxed.

He waited patiently for Dave to speak. In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but wonder if Dave was preparing to hide something from him again. Thinking up excuses or cagey responses. He really hoped that wasn't the case, considering he already had to talk to him about that eventually and it would just make it that much harder if Dave lied again.

When Dave finally did speak though, Bro's stomach dropped. Maybe he should have been prepared for that answer. It seemed like a regular occurrence for Dave within the tower. But that didn't stop it from being a sickening thought. It didn't stop Bro from feeling horrible- because he'd been avoiding Dave. He hadn't been there to stop it like he should've been. He was never there to stop it. What was Bro thinking, avoiding Dave in a goddamn deathtrap? That was just fucking asking for Dave to get killed. God, he was stupid.

His hands paused on Dave's back, mouth going dry. He didn't know what to fucking say. This wasn't your average, everyday conversation. It felt wrong just asking 'how did you die?' as if it was something normal. Casual. But he didn't have much of a choice, considering he needed more info than that. "What happened?" His voice was stiffer than normal, as if he was trying his hardest to sound calm, but it came out a bit too forced.

He kind of kicked his legs back and forth against the side of the bed. Like the conversation was something normal or mundane. Or maybe Dave was finding ways to distract himself or calm his nerves. He didn't really seem to like to just sit around in one place.

He didn't look at Bro, just staring at his hands in his lap. "I'm not sure. I guess I was someone else for the pass few days. It was kind of weird." This was obviously going to be fairly roundabout, but at least he was talking about it. But maybe that just meant it didn't affect him like the other times. And maybe that was terrifying. Dave was slowly growing accustomed to dying. He's slowly accepting it. But how many times does a thirteen year old have to go through to start accepting that? How far has he fallen? "I'd make a really shitty troll. Horns are stupid. Waking up to pillows attached to them is stupid."

He paused. "I think I started thinking I was her. The longer we stayed swapped, the more side effects, and I guess people figured out how to switch back, but..." Dave avoided the network. He didn't really talk to anyone the entire time. He didn't want people to see him in that time period. "I only really remember starting to cough up blood and I blacked out. I must have died because I woke up in my bed as me and I had to wait for the sleep paralysis to wear off."

Bro listened intently as Dave spoke, eyebrows furrowing at the mention of Dave being someone else. Yeah, he'd noticed things had been weird for a while, but he hadn't realized Dave had been a part of that. Maybe he would've, if he'd been paying closer goddamn attention. He couldn't help but beat himself up over that, and there was nothing that could ever make him not beat himself up over it.

And he'd been a troll, to boot. Bro really wasn't sure how he felt about that one. He didn't mind the trolls, but they were kinda weird, if he was honest. He could definitely imagine that being one would be frustrating. Horns. Gray skin. It must've been a huge inconvenience.

The sick feeling he'd gotten only grew stronger when Dave started describing his death. He honestly didn't know what to say once he was finished. Because seriously what the fuck do you say to shit like this? It just. Dave had died. That was fucking horrifying. And he hadn't even been there when it had happened. He was the worst brother.

But it finally pushed him into saying what he'd wanted to say for the past several days but hadn't known how to say. "I'm...I'm sorry, man."

It was mostly annoying. The grey skin and overall experience wasn't so bad. He just kept doing stupid shit like hitting his horns against crap because he kept forgetting that they were there.

"Why are you apologizing? I should be doing that. Oh hey. Welcome to the Tower of let's fuck your shit up. Here. Let me just have my repressed feelings literally kill you because I couldn't just deal with them on my own," Dave was ranting. "It's not like this isn't the first time I've died. I've died in worst ways while I've been here, so don't even sweat it." And there it is. The indifference to the fact that he's been dying. And that he was getting used to it.

"Seriously. It's no one's fault but mine. I'm just a moth to a light. Oh what's that shiny thing? Death? Yeah, let's just approach it. This is a great idea. I think I'll do it. Oops. Guess that was a bad idea."

Bro listened to Dave with a growing mixture of sadness and annoyance. Sad, because Dave seriously felt the need to blame himself for something that was out of his control and something Bro hadn't been able to prevent from happening. He felt annoyed for... well, much the same reason as the first. He was frustrated that Dave blamed himself when it was obviously not his fault. It wasn't like Dave had asked to get sent here. To be put through all of this shit.

It wasn't like Dave meant to repress things. He was a Strider. That's what Striders do.

And suddenly, with that in mind, he realized he had no right to be angry with Dave for hiding things from him. Because he was a Strider and... That's what Striders do. Goddamn it. It all just came back down to Bro being to blame. For raising Dave like that. For not being here to protect him. It wasn't Dave's fault at all and he couldn't very well blame him for keeping this shit a secret.

"It's not your fault," he said after a few moments of silence, mulling Dave's words over in his head and slowly starting to feel worse about it all. The fact Dave was just so... indifferent. The fact he's really died so many times to start getting used to it. God, nothing would ever make this alright. "And just... because you've had worse doesn't make it any better." His hand moved up from Dave's back to rest on his shoulder, pulling slightly to get him to look in Bro's direction. "It's my fault. I should've... it's just mine. That's all there is to it."

"Bull shit," Dave said as soon as Bro was quick to shift the blame. "You didn't ask for any of this. Why in the flying fuck would you blame yourself. You're not asking to get yourself killed again." Dave still thinks that's partly his fault. That he could have done something to save Bro.

"I can take care of myself, Bro." He sure as hell is proving that. But Dave thinks he's doing a pretty good job, despite it all. Or maybe if he thinks that way, he won't feel like such a useless fuck.

Dave heaved a sigh though. "It doesn't matter who's fault it is though, Bro. It hasn't changed what's happened. I don't even know why we're fighting about this. It doesn't change anything other than make feel both of us feel like the biggest shits this Tower has ever taken. We're like the size of Mt. Rushmore. We're flinging shit around like monkeys who didn't get their bananas." And he's kind of tired of it. He doesn't want Bro to feel like he should take the blame. It made him feel worst.

Once Dave was finished speaking, Bro's reply came instantly, his voice showing signs of the frustration he felt. "It is my fault, Dave. And it does matter. I haven't goddamn been there to protect you. It's not a matter of you being able to take care of yourself or not! Because there are some things you can't protect yourself against here. It's not a matter of fucking skill or any of that shit. But me... I should be able to protect you. But I can't, and that's why it's my fault."

Maybe it was all irrational, but it's how he felt and he couldn't stop. "All that shit your shadow told me," he murmured, "I should've been able to stop it. I should've been there. But I wasn't. And you should be pissed as hell that I didn't stop it from happening. I wish you'd blame me. At least then you wouldn't be blaming the one goddamn person who's completely innocent in all of this. Yourself." His voice, by that point, was a mixture of frustration and desperation, because god. He just wanted Dave to see it wasn't his fault. And that there was no reason he should blame himself at all.

"I don't need to be protected!" Dave has forgotten he's not even fourteen. That the entire world isn't on his shoulders. He's forgotten so much because he was given a title that was so important to their session, that he had to forget. He had to perform as the time player. And even here, with his powers attached, he now feels more obligated to try and make a difference at the expense of himself. He's tangled himself so deeply in all this, that it's hard to remember that they were just kids playing a dumb game. That they gave god hood to a bunch of teenagers still struggling to prove their worth.

"You weren't here when any of it happened. You don't get to choose whether to be here or not. That's just not how it works here. Everything is at their fingertips. They bring in whoever they want whenever they want. They make them disappear just as quickly. I can't blame you because that's the most fucking irrational thing I would be doing. And it wouldn't make me feel better. I'd feel like shit about it." He doesn't want this conversation. He doesn't want to talk about this at all.

Bro was starting to get frustrating. This wasn't supposed to be how it went. He was supposed to apologize and then everything would be fine. Or at least as fine as it could get in this place. But instead he was just getting upset at things he didn't want to get upset about. He let his hand fall away from Dave's shoulder, moving to fold his arms over his chest as he let drew in a slow breath, trying to calm down. But it was hard, when he disagreed with everything Dave had just said. He wasn't going to address the first part. Anything he could say in that regard would just make Dave feel weak, or inadequate. All of the things he'd never wanted Dave to feel. But the truth was, in Bro's opinion, Dave needed to be protected. He was just a kid. He never should have had to go through any of this in the first place. This was all far worse than anything he'd ever intended for Dave to go through.

"So," he said after a few long seconds of silence, "it's easier to just blame yourself for shit? That makes you feel better?" It was starting to get really fucking hypocritical in there. "Because from where I'm at you're the last person to blame. I mean, really? Because you fucking asked to be brought here? Because you've asked to be put through all this shit? Come the fuck on, Dave, you're the victim here! Blaming yourself is the most fucking irrational thing you could be doing!" His voice was rising in volume, but he honestly couldn't stop. He was just so. frustrated. with everything right now. "At least blaming me would be one step closer to blaming the actual goddamn people responsible! And you even just fucking admitted they're the ones who control this place, so why the FUCK are you still set on blaming yourself for this?"

The longer Bro spoke, the more Dave slightly recoiled. He didn't really shift, but the way his whole body just started to tense up and his refusal to look anywhere but at some spot on the floor was telling. At least Dave was calm about this. Or maybe that's worst. That Dave was just forcing himself to remain calm. Like all the other times while in this Tower. He knew Bro was right about blaming himself, but it was hard not too. Images of his friends being tortured and their screams were still fresh, even after months.

When Dave replies. It's quiet. Nothing like the volume Bro's voice rose too. "What do you want me to do?" What could he possibly do? That wasn't blaming Bro, whom he couldn't even bring himself to blame. Bro was just as innocent as he was. But what difference would it make blaming the Tower caretakers? "Why do you want me to blame you? I'm just glad I can actually talk to you again."

When Dave spoke, the contrast between his own voice and the quietness of Dave's is enough to make him realize just how loud and angry he'd gotten. That fact, and Dave's word, are enough to bring him down several notches. He feels bad for blowing up like that, when it was never his intention. He didn't want it to be like this, he realized. He didn't want to fight. He didn't want to upset Dave. It was stupid to get mad at him, when this place already made him suffer enough.

After a few long seconds, he breathes out a sigh, and then opens his arms. "C'mere." He's holding his arms out now in a clear invitation for Dave to come in for a hug. Because he's honestly tired of the fighting. He just wants to move on now. Because they're both clearly hung up on their own problems and fighting about them isn't going to solve anything.

Dave kind of awkwardly shuffles over to rest against Bro. Not quite hugging the other, but still in physical contact with. Dave isn't sure if hugging Bro would seem too desperate and he's not exactly an expert on how to do this physical affection shit.

It's kind of sad, because this shouldn't even be a problem. He should be used to hugging other people and being affectionate. He just...doesn't know how too. But Bro was offering, and that made Dave feel a lot better. Because the last thing he wanted to do was make Bro be accommodating to him.

Once Dave is laying against him, Bro's arms come up and wrap around him instantly. Like he's trying to shield Dave from the world. "I'm sorry," he whispered, just loud enough for Dave to hear. "That was shitty of me. I still stand by what I said, but... I'm sorry for yelling." He's quiet for a few long seconds after this, trying to decide how best to express himself. "I just... you're the most important person in my life. I hate seeing you hurt."

Dave just kind of scrubs at his eyes quietly. Not crying. Never crying. He's just got something in his eyes. He's a little overwhelmed that Bro would outright say that. It was never something he ever had to hear verbally, nor did he think he would ever hear verbally, so it's a pleasant surprise. Maybe a little too much for him, because this was Bro. Bro, who never says these things to him.

For Dave's sake, he's at least pretending not to know that he's crying. But damn, it kind of makes him feel like crying too. Fucking emotions. It'd be so much easier if he could just remain the strong one here, but it's hard when everything just. sucks so damn much. When he's got a crying, physically and mentally traumatized teenage son/bro thing in his arms. It kinda becomes taxing after a while and it's really damn hard not to break down a little. But he's still trying not to, even if it's hard. He runs his fingers up and down Dave's back slowly, comfortingly. He's said everything he can say.

At least he isn't making gross crying noises. Maybe some sniffling and occasionally rubbing at his face, but that's it. Or maybe it's worst because it just meant Dave was trying to hold it back in and trying to stop himself from showing it.

He just leans against Bro quietly, kicking his feet over the edge of the bed. There's a moment hesitation where Dave seems to have wanted to say something but didn't, but he finally speaks up. "Is it cool if I chill here tonight? I mean it's cool. I can head back to my room after. You probably have shit to do and I'm just like this solid rock that's getting in the way of you and your shit to do or something. I just. I thought I'd ask. Actually, nevermind, you probably have stuff to do so I'm just really wasting your time." Oh my god. He should have stayed quiet.

If Bro wasn't feeling so many emotions all at once and just didn't have room for exasperation, he would've let out an exasperated sigh. Because seriously, he'd just gotten finished telling Dave he was the most important person in the world to him. Bro honestly didn't know how Dave could get 'Annoying and in the way' out of that. But instead of sighing or giving Dave a hard time over it, he just. tightens his arms around Dave. "You ain't going anywhere." His voice was quiet but firm. It was clear he wasn't going to let Dave out of his sight any time soon.

Because he is being the most uncool kid right now. He is the opposite of being a Strider right now. He's like that dumb kid who tripped over his shoe laces and busted up his knee a bit and now he's making a huge deal over a little scrape. But he's glad that Bro isn't kicking him out or anything. He's really relieved. The fact that he relaxed a bunch probably indicated so. He didn't realize he was holding his breath. "Cool. Thanks."

"Mmh..." he murmurs, and after a few seconds he loosens his grip on Dave. But only slightly. Just enough so that he can start running his fingers up and down Dave's back in comforting motions. As the silence wears on, he's suddenly hit with a wave of tiredness. Maybe it's the fact that he just hasn't slept much lately, or just. Maybe it's he's emotionally exhausted. He really doesn't know, but all of a suddenly he can't stifle the yawn that escapes.

Dave had been fighting with tiredness the entire time, if Dave periodically trying to nod off was any indication. "Shit. Sorry. I can leave if you want to get some sleep or something." Because Dave is assuming that the other wants him gone than, and he's already making his way off the bed and to his feet to leave. Gotta let his Bro get some shut eye, right? And he's tired too, even if he's pretty sure he won't really get a good night's rest. He hasn't really for awhile.

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Circus of silence down at our feet

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