towerofanimus | The meaning of being lonely

Entry tags:

[au1] sora

The meaning of being lonely

Characters:

reverse_destiny and you!
Setting: Floor eleven
Format: I will change to suit
Summary: Sora is realizing how alone he really is with no Ansem to order him around. An identity crisis ensues.
Warnings: Possible psychological stuff and violence. If anything else crops up, I'll add it.

Alone. Alone. Alone alone alonealonealonealonealonealone--

Even surrounded by other survivors, others who are trapped here and finding themselves at the whims of this strange place, Sora finds himself alone. But that's what he wanted, right? To always be alone with Dad so no one could ever hurt him? But... Dad isn't here now. He's not been abandoned, but he still finds himself yearning for more contact, more interaction that's positive. Praise, attention, anything so long as he isn't alone anymore. And yet...

And yet he just sits here in the open air, on the side of that strange lake. The Green Requiem and the Shadow both tumble about behind him, paying no heed to the boy they came with. the sound of the waterfall, at least, is somewhat comforting--a constant rush and ripple of water, drowning out his own thoughts while the creatures, oblivious to the internal plight of their master, roll across the floor and enjoy themselves.

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Naminé had not had any particular intention of staying on this floor for long as she passed through. It was fascinating, certainly, but she well remembered the warnings of dangers lurking in the tower, and so she couldn't help feeling safer in more... enclosed spaces. They were more familiar to her, anyway, and the lingering effects of her previous captivities had done nothing to encourage her to move about much (it was the opposite, rather), although the desire to do so was not extinguished.

However, plans or no plans, the all-too-familiar silhouette was not one she could ignore. Reflexively, she stopped in her tracks, attention wholly diverted from her previous endeavor. She knew right away that it was Sora, and had only to pay a little more attention to be sure (despite her hopes that it might be otherwise) that this was, in fact, the strange not-Sora-- well, alternate universe Sora. Immediately she was torn between the desire to move on due to his very unsettling differences from the Sora she was used to and the desire to make sure that he was okay, because alternate universe or not, it was still Sora. She hadn't seen him in a while, after all, and the recent confirmation of her fears that there were, in fact, people prone to kidnapping and using others in the tower made her all the more concerned. Something didn't seem quite right, either, although that instinctive thought was based on just that - instincts, which might have been entirely wrong in this instance, since they were created in reference to the Sora she was familiar with.

Still, what would it hurt to check on him, frightening or not? Even if something did happen, well... things in this tower were not as permanent. Despite that knowledge, she was quiet when she took a few steps his direction and stopped, hesitating, several feet away from him.

The Heartless notice her first, ceasing their play and instead simply staring at her, the Requiem hovering just off the ground. Sora only notices because of the sudden quiet from the two, and so he turns--quickly wiping what looks to be tears off his face.

"...You lost or something?"

It's supposed to be cold and somewhat cruel, but in his current state, he can't even manage that much.

The Heartless' attention did not help her nerves, but they didn't seem to be attacking, at least for now. She supposed she didn't have anything they'd want, anyway, not that that would stop them should they have orders. She did watch them out of the corner of her eye, but most of her attention was on Sora. She saw those tears, and, ironically enough, she couldn't help feeling less unsettled. Sympathetic, yes, but also more sure that she shouldn't leave him be and more conscious that, alternate universe Sora or not, he was still a person just like everyone else (except for her, but that was beside the point).

Despite his attempts to be unpleasant, she tilted her head just slightly, continuing to regard him with an expression calmer than she'd just been feeling. "...No."

The Heartless chitter amongst themselves for a moment, before the Shadow moves to peek out from behind Sora's legs and the Requiem perches on his head. He tries to keep a neutral expression, but it's hard.

"...Then what're you doing?"

What was she doing? Well, she knew the literal answer to that, but at the same time, she was beginning to have second (third?) thoughts about this. Still, there was no backing out now.

"...Finding out if you're alright." That's about it, in the simplest and hopefully least offensive terms.

That shocks him. People don't normally care about him, so this reaction is... Unexpected. And that shows on his face. He'll blink a few times, then just nod slowly. finally, he sits back down and just quietly pats the ground next to him. That's what they do in books, right?

Her own expression did not betray much of her surprise at his surprise; there wasn't much to show, anyway. It was slightly jarring only in the sense that some part of her had still not quite gotten the message that she shouldn't expect out of this Sora what she expected out of the one she knew. His gesture was also fairly unexpected, but this time she managed to catch herself in time to make sure the only expression on her face was a small, almost encouraging smile. With a hint of gingerness, she sat down next to him and folded her legs to the side.

He's quiet for a good while, the Shadow curled up on his lap like a puppy and the Requiem resting on top of his head in a nest of soft spikes. But finally, he speaks up, what's on his mind.

"...Do you... Know what it's like to be alone?"

She left him to his silence until he chose to end it, and when he did... well, her expression was very telling. It betrayed both her surprise and her immediate concern; why ask something like that unless that was what was bothering him? The weight of her own experiences crept up on her and forced her eyes toward the ground.

"...Yes." And what it was like to be worse than alone. "Very... very well."

"...How... Do you stop?" he asks after a moment. He's only ever had Ansem and the Heartless. But now, there's only two Heartless and Dad's nowhere to be found. He's... Alone, really.

"...." It was... ironic, really, to be explaining this to the alternate version of the person who saved her from exactly that, but that thought didn't cross her mind. "...Find someone to be your friend." It seemed like too obvious an answer. "There are-- a lot of good people here." ...And some not so good ones.

"...Friends? I... Haven't had friends that aren't Heartless in years..." he says with a sort of bitter laugh. It's true, though, isn't it? Humans were the things he didn't have to deal with. He'd been pretty much isolated since Dad took him in...

The sympathy that was already there only grew. It was difficult to imagine what kind of life this Sora must have lived. "You can still try, can't you?"

"...I destroy worlds. Kinda late, wouldn't you think?" he asks, now seeming a bit bitter at his whole situation. Maybe some people are meant to be alone, like him? He isn't sure. He wasn't good at that psychology stuff. That's Dad's department.

There was definitely that, although it was nearly impossible for her to imagine ANY Sora deciding to do that of their own volition unless coerced. She chose to swallow her discomfort. "...But you're still alive. The rest of your life can be different, if... you want it to be."

He wasn't coerced, just raised that way. It'll take a long time for him to change that aspect of himself, too.

"...Maybe."

He's not so sure, though. He's seen the worst sides of humanity, so he's not nearly that optimistic.

~~One might say that's one form of coercion.~~

She was quiet for a long moment, uncertain whether or not it was dangerous to say what she was thinking. On the one hand, it could encourage something good, and on the other, it might encourage something dangerous. "...What you do next is your choice, here. We can't leave, but-- they don't tell us what to do, either." He was probably aware of that, but it was a point she frequently had to bring up with herself.

"...I'm not used to having that option."

It's easy enough to admit. Ansem used to order him to do things. There wasn't much room for choice. So it's a very new concept for him, and part of what has him so lost.

She could definitely understand that. "I'm not, either." Her admission was slightly colored by relief and also a tiny hint of... shame? Or was it embarrassment? "But I guess we both have to learn."

"Learn... Can you learn that?"

It's genuine curiosity. He isn't sure. He's never had friends or had someone to talk to like this. It's strange, as if a piece of him fell back into place just by talking to her.

Offering a smile she hoped was encouraging, she nodded. "Everyone has to learn it some time. We're just... doing it a little later than most people." Well, a lot later than most people, considering almost everyone has some kind of choice about what to do at some point in their early childhood.

"...Yeah."

He's quiet then, just sitting there with the Heartless and then Naminé and it's peaceful. It's strange, and nice. And it's like something he didn't know was lacking is suddenly being filled in.

"...Thanks."

She made no attempt to break the silence herself. Oddly enough, it wasn't so bad an experience, sitting there with him -- or, rather, she'd been concerned at first, but now it was getting harder and harder to be intimidated. It was almost like he'd never said anything about destroying worlds, at least for an instant; then she glanced at the Heartless and was reminded all over again. Still, what she'd said held true. His future didn't have to be that way. Hadn't she seen enough people find redemption to believe that it could happen for him, too? He still hadn't really said anything about the details of why he did why he did, after all.

The thanks were unexpected, and she turned her head quickly to focus on him. After the moment it took to process that, her mouth spread into a gentl smile. "You're welcome."

"...Naminé, right? That's a nice name."

It's an off-hand comment, awkward in an attempt to make conversation and yet sincere. He's enjoying her company, really, even if he's also awkward about it because he has no idea what to do. He's not socialized in the least, so he has to do guess work on how people actually talk to each other normally.

The compliment was thoroughly surprising and that surprise showed fairly clearly on her face for the brief moments before it was replaced by a smile. "Yes, that's right. ...Thank you." She was quite familiar with the certain amount of difficulty a lack of experience added to socialization; in fact, she was stuck casting about for something else to say, herself. After a moment, "Yours is nice, too." Her tone is ever so slightly questioning, but it's out of that same uncertainty about what to say rather than any doubt about that being the truth.

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reverse-destiny.livejournal.com - 2011-10-02 11:22 (UTC) - Expand

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The meaning of being lonely

Sorry for the TL;DR

It's okay!

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