towerofanimus | scraps of paper you're not meant to find;

Entry tags:

scraps of paper you're not meant to find;

Characters: Taro and Enoch
Setting: Floor 81
Format: Either, I don't care.
Summary: Taro is really upset over a few things. Hopefully a friend can make it better?
Warnings: Talk of death, possible talk of other… unpleasant subjects. Basically angstwarning.

[Taro can't deal with this. Not with all of these thoughts of death and despair and everything going wrong. He keeps thinking about things he could have done, people he could have warned - but there wasn't anything.]

[He was supposed to be happy and upbeat, right? That was what tanuki were like, after all, in the legends. He was old enough to know better, but it never made him feel less of a failure. He wasn't a very good tanuki. He didn't even feel like much of a good friend right now, either. So Taro took one of his books to the eighty-first floor, trying to read and distract himself from everything.]

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*Taro would find someone familiar laying down on the bulged out windows, staring up at the sky beyond the sky, a hand on the curved glass beside him. The curve of the glass gave the illusion he was trying to reach out into the sky. In a way, it was fitting.

Could God hear him, he wondered, from here?*

[... Taro wandered over to Enoch, plopping down next to him. He didn't drop his usual illusion, but he did lean against the glass, looking tired.]

Hey...

[Could talking about this help? He didn't even talk about this stuff with Toshiko. Better to have people not worry than to make them worry about him.]

Can... can I talk to you about something?

*Enoch looked up at the sound of Taro's approach, regarding him upside-down. Despite not moving, his expression gradually shifted from confusion to concern.*

Of course. What is it?

I...

[He tries to get the words out, stuttering at them a little bit.]

I... I'm scared. I... someone here killed me and... I know she didn't mean to but... but I'm dead, and... and I can't go back and I don't know what's going to happen. I... I try to be confident and happy because that's how I'm supposed to be but even... even if I'm not human, I'm still a person. I can still be scared. I... I'm not a very good tanuki. I'm... I've spent a lot of time around humans. A lot of time. But... but I'm not supposed to have all of these kinds of feelings in the same way humans do.

[He pulls his knees up into his chest, trying to calm himself.]

I don't know what to do. I'm scared and I've never been lonely like this. Even over the past decade where I've been gathering information on corruption in the Underground, I at least had something I was doing. And before that when there wasn't our branch, I at least had the human family I lived with for a while to check on.

But they've been dead for over sixty years. And I haven't been alone like that since. I don't... I don't know what to do...

[If he could cry, he would. Making the illusion of tears just seems stupid, so he doesn't have any tears to shed.]

You're the only one here I... I can trust to tell all of this to. S... sorry if it's a lot all of a sudden.

*When Taro stutters and generally is more distressed than he's ever seen him, Enoch gets up and sits against the curved glass, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder.*

...You aren't the first to tell me your kind "shouldn't" feel emotions like humans. Not tanuki, but...overall. It was when I realized just how large a difference upbringing can make.

[Taro leans into him, wrapping his arms around the larger man and holding on a little desperately. Now is not the time for dignity, now is the time for hugs.]

I don't know what to do. I don't... I want to be useful and distract myself... I want to help people, but I can't really fight like other people can. I can distract monsters sometimes, but... that's about it. I feel really useless and hopeless. I don't want to let this place get to me... but escaping won't do anything for me. Maybe that's kind of selfish, but it's hard to help other people when I'd just... disappear.

I don't want to go back to being dead, Enoch. Death is scary. I don't even know if there's an afterlife at all. Even if there is, I don't know if I can go to it since I'm not human. And even if I can... the gods have been making trouble and I've been sticking my nose into it. It probably hasn't given me a lot of good points with them.

*Enoch returns the hug, patting Taro's back a little.*

It's all right. If they have the ability to see other worlds, they may well be able to send you on to another instead, when we are able.

*Death is scary - Enoch could say that now, in a place like this. Doesn't realize he could have said it years and years before, doesn't realize the situation is nigh-identical.*

And perhaps, if we can make this place peaceful somehow, those who don't want to will not need to go back.

Maybe... I want to make sure mine is safe, but...

[He chuckles a little bitterly.]

I wanted to be the hero. I wanted to be the spy who stopped the bad guys from their evil plan. I was one of the founders so I thought they might give me some more wiggle room... I guess they did, but I ran out of space.

I thought I was a hero. I told myself I was. I thought I could be the protagonist, the one who made it through and got the happy ending and... well. Not the one who got the girl, but the one who could be counted on. Maybe someone the humans even were able to see as an example of our kind being okay people.

... I'm not the hero. I was never a hero. I knew it and I still chased it. And all it got me was dead, and some information that my best friend might not even be able to use.

I want to stay here if it's peaceful. I want to go back. I want to go somewhere else. I don't know what I want.

[He pauses to take a deep breath, trying to steady himself.]

... I want a family that loves me again. That's something I know I want. I didn't tell them what I was, but they were my family. And they got killed by assumptions and prejudice.

... I've spent almost a century and a half alive and I still don't understand any kind of people as well as I thought I did.

You would be surprised how old a being could be without understanding people. *Enoch smiles a little at that, not that Taro can see it from the hug.*

If it is worth anything at all...you set a good example of your kind to me. If you could do it for me, you could do so for others.

Mm. I meant more not just... tanuki, but everyone that wasn't human... but thanks.

[He curls up against the other man a little, closing his eyes.]

*Enoch senses the tanuki's relaxing and leans back against the curve of the glass. If he's going to play the part of a pillow he's going to support himself a little.*

And I meant more than the tanuki. I don't know the distinction well enough in the first place.

*You know, not being from Taro's world to get accustomed to it. His world only has three rough classes of being anyway.*

Fair enough.

[He curls up a little bit.]

... Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it more than you could know.

Think nothing of it.

*He shifts to allow Taro curling up more. There are some things he didn't really get to answer, but...Taro doesn't seem up to talking about it more.*

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scraps of paper you're not meant to find;

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Sorry I'm just now getting to my huge tag backlog...

It happens. :3

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