towerofanimus | Given time you'll understand

Characters: Archer (

swordedpast) and Saber Alter (

scorchedchivalry)
Setting: Outside room 01-09, February 22nd.
Format: Prose to start, may change as the log continues.
Summary: In the wake of Rin's death in dreams, Archer turns to Saber Alter to make sense of things.
Warnings: Nothing concrete, just angst and references to death for now.

He's been brooding since Rin disappeared into dreams, where he couldn't follow. He slept a little during that time, trying to perceive her dreams, but received only fragments and was unable to do anything to help. In the end, she slipped further away from him into coma and death, and so now he broods even harder.

Now that she's back, Archer wants to help her. He always wants to help her, as poorly as he shows it sometimes. But there's too much awareness in his mind of all the things he's been trying to deny. How different she is from his former Master, and yet how similar. How little he's been able to do to support her since they made their pact. All of that, and more--

He broods some more in the hallways of the dormitories, and he takes his frustration out on monsters, and as morning comes, he finds his feet drawing him somewhere he's only passed before. The room with a familiar title on its nameplate. He doesn't understand at first why he's brought himself here, but after a moment he remembers: he saw Saber in that dream of Rin's. She might be hurt herself, or she might know something more about what happened. That's the only reason he wants to see her. It's not at all because as the person who was once his star, she might be able to put him back on track. He was never on track, anyway.

Archer fades into spirit form and waits in the hall for Saber Alter to appear. She'll sense him soon enough, he knows.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

His lip curled against his teeth. "You think she has any reason to respect me either? How ridiculous. She doesn't, you know..."

He started to catch himself. He almost managed it. Then his gaze wavered, and he started to crumble.

"In the world she dreamed up of the future, I could do nothing to stop her fall. In this world, she turns to a Lancer who gives his name freely and with honor for what her own Servant is not good enough for. And in the world I came from--"

His voice shook like his breath.

A darkness flared in Saber's eyes. "That Lancer is not what he seems. He gave his honor up when he cursed a king in his anger when his own master betrayed him. He is nothing but a tool for Rin. I am the one she turns to when you cannot provide. Because we are both tainted by the same thing."

A pause. "You must not take those future worlds as anything other than the creations of the Administrators. They were not of our own."

That darkness and the words that followed it gave Archer pause. But only for a moment. Then he laughed bitterly. "Is that so? The administrators created a world for each of us, then. It's pure coincidence that mine was a wistful fantasy, the kind of thing that'd be dreamed up by someone who only knows lies, and hers a more likely truth, right? I cannot save her because I didn't save her, Saber...!"

He caught his breath there, but he continued before she could stop him for lack of sense. "You don't believe the worlds are destroyed, I know. But you've said it. You and Rin are both tainted. Why...? Why would the only two people left worth anything in the world be so corrupted, if I hadn't failed somehow? There's only one way left to me to fail, you know. I let the world be destroyed--but it's fine, Saber, it's fine because if I can save her here, I'll make up for it." The hysteria in his voice was overwhelming now. "That's how it works, right? There's a reason for this--it can't simply be that I was saved again when so many others died--"

Saber listened to Archer's ravings, taking them all in... and she pitied him. She let it go for a bit before she had to interrupt.

"Silence, Shirou Emiya."

Her words hit him like a slap, like the flat of her blade, like a practice sword slammed into his body a long time ago.

All further speech dried up in his throat.

He wanted to protest, of course. He wasn't that kid anymore. But recognition quickly shone in his eyes: here in the Tower, returning to all of Shirou's old wishful delusions of a world where every person waited for him to save them was exactly what he'd been doing.

Archer slumped back against the wall, glowering sullenly at Saber. He looked petulant, but it was a sight better than how he'd been a moment ago.

"That is better."

Saber let the silence linger for a moment longer before speaking again.

"You always have tried to be the hero. Not once do I think you ever understood what it meant to be a hero. And I am unsure if you ever will if you insist on trying to make up for what you see as your own failure by trying to save Rin from herself."

"I understand it well enough." The desperation was gone from his eyes now; only the usual hollowness stood in its place.

He straightened up. "But that won't matter if I can't understand her."

Archer felt an awareness lurking at the back of his head, a grasp of just what was happening to Rin that he'd been denying while hellbent on saving her to atone for his own sins. He wasn't sure he wanted to meet it.

"...are you sure you want to understand her?"

Saber understood Rin and she wasn't sure Archer could handle all that Rin Matou was.

"I can't save her if I don't understand her, Saber."

He spoke bluntly this time, simply, without either madness or wistfulness. There was something of that long-ago boy in him, but also something far more weary and resigned. "She isn't Rin Tohsaka, but she's my Master nonetheless. It's not as if I'm not already disgraced a million times over, so this isn't about dignity or anything stupid like that. It's just that I serve a Master who needs help."

"That was not an answer to my question," Saber pointed out. "You are correct in that you cannot save her if you do not understands her."

But understanding Rin Matou would destroy so much of what Archer thought and believed. He would learn then that he would never be able to save her.

"But are you sure you want to understand her?"

He didn't flinch away or glare or rave. He just met her gaze. "I don't want anything." It wasn't a lie. He'd lost the ability to have ordinary desires a very long time ago. "But I need to understand her. There's a difference."

"There is." Saber returned her attention to her cat, scritching her behind the ears. "Just remember that when you learn things you would rather have not known."

She sighed softly. "There is a reason they say ignorance is bliss."

"Ignorance is bliss until you walk off the cliff you weren't looking at," Archer says sharply. "Anyway, I'm not ignorant enough to be blissful anymore, so why leave any stone unturned?"

A frown tugged at his mouth. "What is it that's wrong with her?" Something glimmering in his eyes said that he sort of knew. That he had the pieces to put it together. And yet...

That didn't mean there still weren't things he wouldn't wish he didn't know.

"It is not my place to speak of it."

Frustration flashed in his eyes, but beneath it was humility. This was Saber; he wouldn't push her on this subject. "Fine. I'll learn it sooner or later anyway, and I'll find a way to fix it. It's just what I need to do as her Servant."

And with a last glance at Saber and the cat she held, he turned to leave the room.

Saber waited until Archer was gone before commenting to her cat.

"...no, it is not. He does not see with open eyes, Amy. And I will not force his eyes open. Only she can," she mused, petting the cat.

Given time you'll understand

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