towerofanimus | 002. ☾ Divisions

Characters: Diarmuid and Cecil
Setting: Floor 39, the gym.
Format: Prose.
Summary: The knights get better acquainted while reacting to the "PSA" passed around by Amberly and Commissar Cain.
Warnings: Diarmuid's blood tears, violence amongst new friends, anger management problems. Yup.

Cecil didn't know anything about the Imperium or who Commissar Ciaphas Cain was, but she got the impression from the flyers hung up around the Tower that they were not exactly the most friendly type, let alone the most forgiving. She supposed the... reservations whoever had put them up made sense to have; was it not an off-worlder who had plotted to take the Blue Planet by force from humans, dwarves, and eidolons alike? She could only guess that that meant these people also had suffered at the hands of "xenos", or what Cecil presumed meant non-humans, before, and she understood that. She did not blame them for that.

Still... it struck her as unwise to create more division among the residents of the Tower, given that everyone was trapped here, regardless of race or species. Wasn't it better to make peace with their differences and band together against the dangers than cause more strife and warring amongst themselves? The paladin thought so.

It didn't help her feel any better that she was stigmatized twice over in this matter. Half Lunarian and a magic-user, she was probably the last person this Commissar Ciaphas Cain and whatever Imperium followers he had present wanted to hear from, even if she meant them no harm. Cecil sighed and let the flyer flutter away from her as she watched it. There was a whole mess of them in any place that was safe, and it made her feel like she had nowhere to go for a reprieve from the oppressive atmosphere of the Tower.

Considering that her last attempt at training had led to an unexpected meeting, the lady knight decided to try again. This time, she chose a more practical space for her purpose and she wasn't disappointed when she came to the gymnasium floor. She didn't understand how one was supposed to use most of the machines that were set up, but it didn't stop her from inspecting them, albeit at a small distance, just in case.

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"I betrayed my lord and set the men who were like brothers to me at each other's throats. Even though I refused to fight any of them, how many died because of me? Because my lord's bride fell victim to my curse?" Diarmuid looks up at her, sadness in his eyes. "And you, you hurt people because you allowed yourself to hope your lord was doing the right things. Why do these things happen to us? Why does fate see fit to hurt us so when all we want to do is be loyal to our people and help them?

"I will not think less of you for what you did. Not when you are so much like me. You wish to make amends too, don't you? You are sorry for what happened, aren't you? You understand..."

"Curse?"

Cecil's brows stitch together as she meets Diarmuid eyes. There is nothing right about murdering innocents. I always knew that. She was loyal to the false Queen of Baron, yes, but it was not fate that harmed Mysidia and Mist. She chose to obey because the thought of betraying the woman who had taken her in as an orphan was too shameful. Diarmuid is a purer soul than she is, but she keeps her thoughts to herself.

"Everything I have done since my last sin has been for atonement's sake," she replies. "But there is no redemption to be found in simply doing what is right. If I could reset the lives I mangled forever, then perhaps I would be worthy of forgiveness."

He nods, eyes dropping away from her, "When I lived the first time, a spirit of youth and beauty gave me a gift. Any woman who sees my face falls in love with me. Here it is mostly inactive, but back then? It was always active and I could not control it. The woman who my lord was to marry saw me and fell in love with me. She placed a geis on me that forced me to take her away from him. I did admire her willingness to throw away her whole life for what she wanted, but at the same time she was forcing me to throw away my life as well."

Diarmuid closes his eyes for a moment as if lost in memory, then shakes his head, "So many people. We are all fighting to make up for those we have hurt during our lives. It make take forever to do, but as long as we try then their lives are not lost and they are not forgotten." He opens his eyes again, locking gazes with her, "There is another I have told this to, but it is no less true for you because of that. Those people may be gone and unable to do the things they might have, but as long as you remember them, they are not truly gone. Find a way to live for them, to do the things they might have done. Perhaps in that, you will find the peace you seek."

Again, Cecil is quiet, but this time, she does take his final words to her to heart. He's right and she knows it, but her soul has yet to agree that this is acceptable. She's lessened the burden her guilt weighs down on her, but she still regrets her war crimes most of all... and losing Kain is also unforgivable as far as she's concerned, even if Rosa never held it against her.

"'All that matters is what's inside us'," she says and drops her eyes from Diarmuid's warm gaze before closing them. His predicament reminds her vaguely of her dragoon friend; Kain also was forced to betray her friends against her will, just like he was. She doesn't see the sense in blaming Diarmuid for anything that happened, but she remembers how well saying so worked with Kain and bites her tongue.

"Perhaps we will find peace."

"We will," He reaches out, gently touching her face hoping it will coax her to open her eyes and look at him again. "Even if it is a long, painful road, if we set our minds to reaching its end, someday we will. And that should be our goal, because if we find peace that means those who we hurt will have found it as well since none of us will be a peace until that is done.

"I think this is why I am fighting so hard to help everyone here. This chance to find peace...it is one I should not have had. Even if this place is terrible, there is a reason I am here instead of having been erased when I died during the war. I will do my best not to waste this chance for I may not get another."

The touch receives its intended reaction and Cecil does meet his gaze again, listening to him intently. She gives a small, shy smile, the emotions in it subdued because of how shaky they are, but she does believe him. She wants to believe him at least and at this point, she can't afford to turn away any hopeful outlook on their life in the Tower.

"I understand," she answers, happy to find she truly does mean it, but she still makes an effort to change the subject: "How are your eyes? Do they hurt in any way?"

"My eyes?" Diarmuid reaches up to touch at his eyes, confused by her question until he suddenly realizes what she means. As he does, his face flushes in embarrassment. His hand drops away and he shakes his head, "My eyes are fine. It's not that they are hurt. They just do that when...when I am very upset or angry. Ever since I was betrayed and lost myself to rage...

"It's disgusting, isn't it? One more sign that I'm not right..."

"No," Cecil replies with a shake of her head. "It does not repulse me. I don't think it is a sign that you are corrupted or warped. I only worry that it hurts you. I can see that it does, but I cannot help with the emotional pain. I can only help with the physical pain and I was concerned that it hurts when the blood passes through your tear ducts."

"The only pain is the emotional pain," Diarmuid brings his hand to his eyes for a moment, before letting it drop back again. "As horrible as it looks, there is no actual pain in my eyes. It is just as if I am crying normally, except that I'm not." He looks at her, confused, "How can it not repulse you? It repulses me. I hate it. It's just another reminder of how I was betrayed... How I failed..."

The paladin shrugs, blinking a little in disbelief at his question. "Because all I saw was a noble man in a great deal of pain," she says matter-of-factly. "How can I find someone else's hurt repulsive? It's too cruel, isn't it? To see someone else's suffering and feel disgust... I suppose I find it heartless to do."

He smiles slightly, "You are right, of course. It is just a shame not everyone can see passed the action to the pain that is its cause. I thank you for that and for all of your help and kindness today. I don't know if I can ever repay you, but I want to try. If you are ever in need of aid, please come looking for me. I will be glad to give it."

002. ☾ Divisions

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