towerofanimus | you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

Entry tags:

you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

Characters: Allelujah and open.
Setting: Floor 1 (Cafeteria), Floor 46 (flashlight level), Floor 81 (upper lounge), stairs in general.
Format: Whatever works for you.
Summary: Allelujah's… angsting isn't the word for it. He's depressed and disappointed about mindlessly carrying out orders. He's having difficulty coping with it.
Warnings: Mention of body modification/surgery/Jason being a dick. Also standard Hallelujah warning.

[Floor 1]

[Allelujah sits at one of the tables, a few of the nutrition bars in front of him. He has one open and is staring at it. He knows he needs to eat, but he feels sick to his stomach after what happened.]

[he takes a bite, slowly, and tries to keep it down. He won't be able to do anything if he doesn't have something for energy.]

[Floor 46]

[The stairs have vanished for him again. He hates this floor, hates it so much. The whispers and light touches keep making him jerk away, and he tries to control himself. It's no one, no one's there, it's not even Hallelujah…]

[But he's still pale as he reaches the stairs again.]

[Floor 81]

[There aren't many floors he feels comfortable on, but this is one of them. The sight of the stars calms him, makes him feel a little bit closer to home. It's hard to look at them sometimes - they're not his - but at least they're something. He'd like to start naming them, but he's not that creative.]

[He needs them today most of all. He still feels sick, frustrated, disappointed… he'd sworn to himself that he'd do everything he could to not just blindly follow orders, to not lose himself again. Not that he really could be anything but a soldier, but at least he has his own mind. Or did. He didn't even feel anything during that time he was changed… and he managed to change Hallelujah, too.]

[They were nothing but a mindless robot. Their brains were altered, and while he knows that he's been changed back, he can't help but feel terrified at a scientist who can do something like that. The things he'd been through at that facility had been bad enough, but this… this was beyond what he had experienced before.]

[He presses his forehead against the glass, trying to collect his thoughts. He doesn't know what to do. What can he do? It doesn't look like there's any way to kill him… or any of the others. Not when they can control this place so utterly…]

[Stairs]

[As Allelujah climbs the stairs, he's somewhat lost in thought. If there's someone else walking near him, he might not even notice them. That doesn't mean they can't notice him, though.]

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*He's waiting to meet a friend here. But while he's here, the least he can do is try to keep everyone's hopes up. He approaches the younger man leaning on the glass.*

It will be all right. I know it's hard to believe that, given what everyone has been through.

[He tries to put on a brave face, but his expression is shaky.]

This... ah... this isn't the first time I've... I've been modified. I... I thought it was over, but...

[chaos liked coming onto this floor, and now that everyone was back to normal, he no longer worried about meeting a friend of his that was distorted or hurt. However, when he saw and sensed Allelujah on the floor, he couldn't help but talk to him. After all, he considered the person a good friend..and not just because he reminded him of Jr.]

..Are you alright now, Allelujah?

I'm sorry...

*He knows it will be over sometime. Maybe not soon. Maybe not in this man's-...well. He doubts anyone's lifetime will end...if their souls are so unnaturally anchored one might simply be given a younger body when their current ones get too old to function...*

An end will come, in some way, some day.

Yes. But it doesn't make it any less difficult to bear while we're chasing it.

[There has to be an end, through someone's destruction - his, theirs, anyone's... but he has to focus on now as well as the future. Ignoring what's in front of your face is a good way to just be hurt again.]

[He didn't turn to face him, not at first.]

chaos... I'm sorry...

[He hadn't meant to attack him... and even Hallelujah was irritated at it, too. There was no fun in attacking someone if you weren't in control of your body or your actions.]

I'm sorry I tried to hurt you...

[Allelujah pounded his fist against the glass, squeezing his eyes shut.]

I'm a monster... I should have fought harder against him... I should have... I promised myself I'd never just blankly go through things again and...

... And I did, and no matter what he did, it's my fault for the things my body does. No matter who's in control.

...they go down easier with water, I've found.

[There's a soft clink accompanying the words as Sheba sets a glass of water down in front of him. Her own expression isn't especially cheery - it's rather dull, actually - but she'd done enough awful things to people while her mind wasn't her own, and in some small way she wants to try making up for it now.]

[chaos walked toward his friend as he spoke, his smile gone. If Allelujah would permit it, chaos would try to put a hand on his shoulder.]

It is alright. I was not hurt, and the Administrators can harm and twist people who are even stronger than you or I. It is not your fault. What matters now, that you are in control, is how you handle it.

[He looks up, and nods a little, expression mostly blank.]

I should have remembered that...

[She looks vaguely familiar - hadn't he passed her in the halls doing his duties? Maybe?]

[... It's damn hard to remember everything when it's split like this. It keeps fucking us up.]

[He jerked slightly, but didn't pull away, even as he shook under chaos' touch.]

When Hallelujah is in control, it's still my responsibility for what he does. Even if it's neither of us doing it, it's still my body and at least part of me should be in control... so it's still my responsibility, even if only indirectly...

It's easy to forget things like that, after...

[Her voice trails off and she looks down at her hands. She didn't want to say it - she was sure he'd know what she meant anyway. They'd all been affected by what had happened in some way or another.

For the moment, the privacy of his thoughts is completely intact. Being constantly bombarded by the voices while modified has left her rather unwilling to try and hear even one at a time, especially when she'd used what she'd heard to hurt people.]

I've... been modified before. I lived in a facility for a long time... and even at home I usually eat military rations. So I should have thought of that.

[... He gestures for her to sit down. It looks like she could use the stability.]

I'm sorry... that must have been awful for you.

[She takes a seat, her eyes still on her hands. Allelujah's experiences don't sound pleasant and she doesn't want to make him think about it more than he has to already, but because they're stuck here and this sort of thing might happen again she has to know - ]

Does it... does it ever get any easier?

[He tentatively puts a hand on her shoulder, slowly enough that she can scoot away or indicate she doesn't want it.]

... Yes and no. No, because the atrocities don't stop... the horror doesn't stop... the experiments continue and usually get worse. Sometimes it's not your body or your mind that they change... they make you do terrible things in the name of their experiments.

But it does get easier because you... get used to it. It's still horrifying, but that's just how things are for you. You don't know any other way... especially if you're like how we were, unable to remember anything of life outside the facility. It keeps going on and you keep going through things... days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years... until they find what they're looking for, which they never do, or you break. ... Little breaks happen and are okay, but a lot of people just... snap completely. They refuse to move... or they won't settle down. They go after themselves or others with any sort of weapon they can find. They spew nonsense... or their own minds break in two.

... And then they're thrown away, like they're just an old piece of clothing. They could be patched up, but no one seems to care enough to do it. So they're sent to be gotten rid of.

I... I hope it doesn't get that bad here.... as terrible as it is, it's not constant. The way people are shocked and horrified at these things is a good sign, actually... it means they haven't accepted it as normal. Yet, at least.

But this time, a third party was controlling both you and Hallelujah. What you did was not your fault, even if it did affect you and others.

[Richtofen will take the stairs if he wants to. He refuses to let the more dangerous floors steer him toward the elevator exclusively. He has a gun. He's strong enough to fight whatever he might run into.

...At least, those are the sorts of things he's muttering to himself in an attempt to keep up his confidence as he descends the stairs. He's so engrossed in his muttering that he doesn't notice who it is he bumps into at first.

He turns around and barks:] Watch where you are go-

[And he stops in mid-sentence as soon as he realizes who he's looking at. For a few seconds, he just blinks, mouth agape. Then, like a switch has been flipped, he steps forward and shoves the guy - the guy who killed him, whose name he doesn't even think he knows - yelling in rapid-fire German. His words are quick and sloppy, like he's so angry that he can hardly speak right, but the few "fuck"s and "goddamn"s he throws in should get the point across well enough.]

... Even if it wasn't my doing, or my fault, it's still something I have to take responsibility for. I have to clean up what Hallelujah does, for example... so even if it wasn't my own actions, it still falls to me, since it was my body carrying it out.

You don't think people will really forgive something I did, even if it wasn't me, as long as it looks like it was me... do you?

[His voice lowered, and it wasn't really a question. He'd had to clean up for Hallelujah, and for himself, and no matter who controlled the body people associated actions from both with him.]

[Allelujah blinks in surprise, but takes a step back as he's shoved to try to brace himself. He can't quite understand the man - German isn't a language he speaks - but he puts his hands up. He's not interested in a fight.]

Ah... I...

[He can't say he's sorry, but he never did intend to hurt the man. He just wanted to stop him from hurting others... though Hallelujah'd had other ideas, obviously.]

I know. Even if you weren't in control, you must clean up the mess. However, that does not mean that it was your fault. It merely means that you must handle the consequences now.

[..At the question, chaos smiled. Hallelujah and what the Administrators had done here was different, in a way.]

Do not worry. I am sure that most, if not all, will forgive you. The Administrators might be a different story..and Hallelujah, if he does anything. But you will not be blamed.

[This was a floor Suzaku didn't spend all that much time on, the stars were so different here and it reminded him painfully just how far from home he really was. It had been strange enough seeing the stars from Britannia, different than in Japan, but here...

He saw Allelujah and wondered if he should leave, if the man would even want to talk to anyone after what happened. But nor did he want to leave him alone, it was a hard choice. But Suzaku went over to the window and sat next to him silently, looking outwards.]

It's not Hallelujah's reaction to me I'm worried about.. I'm worried about how he'll try to attack the administrators. If he's planning anything, he's not telling me.

... He's not really talking to me that much lately.

[It was... unsettling, to say the least, to have his head so quiet.]

[He looked over at Suzaku, and took a deep breath.]

I... apologize, for how I acted towards you.

I see..even if he is planning something, I do not think that he can do much at this point..but if he is not talking to you, would he talk to me? Sometimes a third party can help.

... Maybe. It's worth a try, at least.

[He closes his eyes, attempting to willingly release control. It's always hard... he's more used to control being violently ripped away from him. He's not even sure if Hallelujah will come and take his place.]

[After a moment of simply standing there, not quite out of control but not fully in control, he feels Hallelujah slink in to replace him. It's clear he's in a bad mood, but not in the way that usually means imminent murder.]

[Hallelujah brushes their hair to the side so his eye is exposed, and relaxes their posture. It's confident, but lazy - not stiff like Allelujah's.]

... What.

[chaos waited patiently as Allelujah tried to wake up his other half without losing total control. When he did so, and when Hallelujah fixed himself up, chaos smiled and nodded.]

Good afternoon, Hallelujah. It has been awhile..are you alright? These recent experiments have been horrible, to say the least.

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you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

Floor 81

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Floor 1

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Stairs

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