towerofanimus | you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

Entry tags:

you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

Characters: Allelujah and open.
Setting: Floor 1 (Cafeteria), Floor 46 (flashlight level), Floor 81 (upper lounge), stairs in general.
Format: Whatever works for you.
Summary: Allelujah's… angsting isn't the word for it. He's depressed and disappointed about mindlessly carrying out orders. He's having difficulty coping with it.
Warnings: Mention of body modification/surgery/Jason being a dick. Also standard Hallelujah warning.

[Floor 1]

[Allelujah sits at one of the tables, a few of the nutrition bars in front of him. He has one open and is staring at it. He knows he needs to eat, but he feels sick to his stomach after what happened.]

[he takes a bite, slowly, and tries to keep it down. He won't be able to do anything if he doesn't have something for energy.]

[Floor 46]

[The stairs have vanished for him again. He hates this floor, hates it so much. The whispers and light touches keep making him jerk away, and he tries to control himself. It's no one, no one's there, it's not even Hallelujah…]

[But he's still pale as he reaches the stairs again.]

[Floor 81]

[There aren't many floors he feels comfortable on, but this is one of them. The sight of the stars calms him, makes him feel a little bit closer to home. It's hard to look at them sometimes - they're not his - but at least they're something. He'd like to start naming them, but he's not that creative.]

[He needs them today most of all. He still feels sick, frustrated, disappointed… he'd sworn to himself that he'd do everything he could to not just blindly follow orders, to not lose himself again. Not that he really could be anything but a soldier, but at least he has his own mind. Or did. He didn't even feel anything during that time he was changed… and he managed to change Hallelujah, too.]

[They were nothing but a mindless robot. Their brains were altered, and while he knows that he's been changed back, he can't help but feel terrified at a scientist who can do something like that. The things he'd been through at that facility had been bad enough, but this… this was beyond what he had experienced before.]

[He presses his forehead against the glass, trying to collect his thoughts. He doesn't know what to do. What can he do? It doesn't look like there's any way to kill him… or any of the others. Not when they can control this place so utterly…]

[Stairs]

[As Allelujah climbs the stairs, he's somewhat lost in thought. If there's someone else walking near him, he might not even notice them. That doesn't mean they can't notice him, though.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...they go down easier with water, I've found.

[There's a soft clink accompanying the words as Sheba sets a glass of water down in front of him. Her own expression isn't especially cheery - it's rather dull, actually - but she'd done enough awful things to people while her mind wasn't her own, and in some small way she wants to try making up for it now.]

[He looks up, and nods a little, expression mostly blank.]

I should have remembered that...

[She looks vaguely familiar - hadn't he passed her in the halls doing his duties? Maybe?]

[... It's damn hard to remember everything when it's split like this. It keeps fucking us up.]

It's easy to forget things like that, after...

[Her voice trails off and she looks down at her hands. She didn't want to say it - she was sure he'd know what she meant anyway. They'd all been affected by what had happened in some way or another.

For the moment, the privacy of his thoughts is completely intact. Being constantly bombarded by the voices while modified has left her rather unwilling to try and hear even one at a time, especially when she'd used what she'd heard to hurt people.]

I've... been modified before. I lived in a facility for a long time... and even at home I usually eat military rations. So I should have thought of that.

[... He gestures for her to sit down. It looks like she could use the stability.]

I'm sorry... that must have been awful for you.

[She takes a seat, her eyes still on her hands. Allelujah's experiences don't sound pleasant and she doesn't want to make him think about it more than he has to already, but because they're stuck here and this sort of thing might happen again she has to know - ]

Does it... does it ever get any easier?

[He tentatively puts a hand on her shoulder, slowly enough that she can scoot away or indicate she doesn't want it.]

... Yes and no. No, because the atrocities don't stop... the horror doesn't stop... the experiments continue and usually get worse. Sometimes it's not your body or your mind that they change... they make you do terrible things in the name of their experiments.

But it does get easier because you... get used to it. It's still horrifying, but that's just how things are for you. You don't know any other way... especially if you're like how we were, unable to remember anything of life outside the facility. It keeps going on and you keep going through things... days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years... until they find what they're looking for, which they never do, or you break. ... Little breaks happen and are okay, but a lot of people just... snap completely. They refuse to move... or they won't settle down. They go after themselves or others with any sort of weapon they can find. They spew nonsense... or their own minds break in two.

... And then they're thrown away, like they're just an old piece of clothing. They could be patched up, but no one seems to care enough to do it. So they're sent to be gotten rid of.

I... I hope it doesn't get that bad here.... as terrible as it is, it's not constant. The way people are shocked and horrified at these things is a good sign, actually... it means they haven't accepted it as normal. Yet, at least.

[She doesn't pull away from the hand. After all that's happened, a friendly touch is somewhat comforting, even if it is coming from someone she doesn't know well.

Not so much as a single sound comes from the girl as Allelujah speaks - she just listens, her eyes wide, as he explains. It sounds awful. Even hearing that, she can't imagine experiencing such a thing herself, let alone walking away from it and then ending up in a place like this later. Even with all the little breaks, Allelujah must be incredibly strong, she decides.

When he says "Yet," Sheba blinks rapidly.]

I hope... I hope they never accept this as normal. It's not natural - it shouldn't be happening...

[Her voice trails off and she shakes her head.]

How are you able to keep going? You must be so strong.

It shouldn't be, no. That facility was destroyed... and even if we can't get out, this place needs to be, too. Those people can't be allowed to continue with this.

[He takes a deep breath, shaking his head.]

Of everyone in that facility, I only know of three or four people who made it out. It could be that they're operating the same way here, trying to find the perfect... something. But it doesn't line up. The way these experiments are run... the things that they do... unless it's all mental conditioning, it makes no sense.

And even if they were doing that, bringing people back doesn't make sense either. You'd want to weed out the ones that didn't hold up...

[Ugh. This line of thinking... he hates it.]

Sorry... that's probably not something you really want to hear... I do think there's hope, though. A way to get out of here alive and to stop them. We just have to find it.

Even if this is some giant experiment in mental conditioning, what could they possibly hope to gain by doing all of this?

[She sighs heavily, dropping her gaze to the floor.]

They bring us back over and over and over again. They tell us these aren't even our real bodies - that the only things that are really us are our souls, and those... [Then she brings her hand up to lightly touch her collar.] Are right here.

Do they hope to ... alter our souls, somehow? What reason could they possibly have for gathering us all here? It's certainly not altruism. If they really want to - to save us - [Her voice breaks as she remembers what she'd repeated so many times when her mind wasn't her own: They saved us. We owe them.] Then they shouldn't treat us the way they have been!

I just... I don't understand them. And that's the most frightening thing of all, I think, because when you can understand something you have some idea of how to react to it.

I don't know. I just... I don't. It's horrific... but it's going to be even harder to break out of here than it was that facility... and I don't want to have to spend another eight or so years here.

[Eight years... that's a sobering thought. Sheba swallows hard and tries to keep her voice even when she speaks again.]

...there's a way out. If there's a way in, then there's a way out. We just have to find it, somehow.

I know. I know, there has to be. I'm... I'm stronger than I used to be, I can help...

We all can. [She manages a very faint smile.] Maybe individually there's not much we can do, but if we all work together...

Where others are weak, you're strong. [And vice versa.]

Exactly. There's got to be a way.

[But he still feels terrified, like he was as a child.]

[She can understand the terror. Sometimes, she almost succumbs to it herself - other times, she does succumb. She tries not to think about it too much for exactly that reason.]

The Administrators have the answers, I'm sure of it. I wonder if they'll ever see us in person, again, or if they're too afraid that we'll find them if they give us too many chances.

I don't... like hurting people, but if they don't give us answers then we'll have to force them out. I just want to hlep everyone get back safely.

I don't, either. I'm not sure how else to go about it, though... [She frowns.] They're very evasive when they do bother to answer our questions.

And their mental defenses are stronger than anything else I've ever encountered...

[The last bit is mumbled, mostly to herself.]

[He blinks a little at that last part.]

Mental defenses? You're...

[No. She's not like him. But he reaches out with his quantum brain waves anyway to see if he can find a connection.]

..?

Wait, you know--?

[Well, that gets her attention. She looks puzzled, and for a moment she debates whether or not it's worth the risk - but curiosity wins out, and a moment later she reaches out with her Psynergy to see if there's anything she can hear.]

[His search doesn't return anything, but she can hear him quite easily... as well as someone else.]

['No. She's not modified like us, so she can't speak to us like we could to Marie...']

['That thing about mental defenses, though... what the hell was that about? She couldn't have - ... wait.']

['Huh? What's wrong?']

['She's reading our mind, asshole!']

[There's the distinct sensation of an iron wall coming down, blocking off the second voice and any thoughts of his entirely. Allelujah's just slightly puzzled.]

['... Is it true? Can you hear me - us?']

[She raises an eyebrow at the second voice. That's... sort of new. She'd heard Asch's voice while reading Luke's mind, once, but from the sound of it this situation isn't the same.

And then that wall comes down. Somehow, she's not surprised. She's just glad the reaction wasn't as violent and off-putting as Zo's defenses had been, the time she'd tried reading his mind.

I can hear you, she thinks, because Adepts have been able to hear her thinking back to them while she's within their minds. Fonists have, too, perhaps because of the similarities between fonons and elemental Psynergy. But then it occurs to her that Allelujah is neither Adept nor Fonist, so she speaks aloud.]

Yes... it's true. I could hear both of you, until that other one shut me out. I'm sorry - I thought maybe you were like me and could do the same thing.

... Hallelujah. He's... my other self.

... Ah. Not exactly... but I can hear people who have had the same surgery I did. It was supposed to connect us in battle, but there's only a few people who survived that surgery. In battle I can usually predict the opponent's movements with it, though.

I see...

[That... might explain why he's had experience being part of an experiment, then. Sheba carefully clamps down on her Psynergy and eases her way out of his mind. It seems almost unfair to invade his privacy now, when from the sound of it, it's been done so many times already.]

Do you mind if I ask what you mean by "other self"? I could hear him... he seemed different from you. I haven't really encountered that kind of thing before - two voices within one mind.

... It's called a split personality, multiple personality disorder, or dissociative identity disorder. It happens when someone's been through too much trauma - you hear of some cases from war trauma, or from seeing some other kind of horrific act. Basically, part of the mind splits off into another personality.

Hallelujah is... mm. He's violent, brutal, and bloodthirsty. I... have a hard time killing, even though I'm a soldier. He tends to take over during those times and fights instead... though he sometimes tortures people before he kills them. He's meant to keep us alive, no matter what the costs to others.

We can operate together - not in the way that the administrators forced on us, but with two minds we can think faster. I handle the planning and he handles reflexes.

That sounds... really tough. [It's an understatement and she knows it. She looks down at the table and sighs heavily.] I know it doesn't mean much coming from someone you've only just met, but I'm sorry you had to go through whatever caused that.

[It certainly sounds as though Hallelujah is good to have around in a place like the Tower, but - that's not something she should be thinking. He's a person, not a tool.]

It sounds like you two are both really capable... [Her voice trails off.] But you're the one who's usually, um... [How to phrase it?] ...you're talking to me right now. I could hear him before by looking in your mind, but... it's usually like this, right? Not the other way around?

Floor 1

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Sorry for lateness! Final exams are eating me alive.

I understand. <3

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