What a shame we carry with us

[swordedpast]

Characters: Archer (swordedpast) and OPEN.
Setting: The dormitories and floor 20 in early May, as well as various other floors as the month progresses.
Format: Tagger's choice.
Summary: In the aftermath of last month's tragedies, Archer puts his all into a plan to reach out beyond the tower. Not that he expects it to succeed.
Warnings: Nothing so far.

It's stupid to say that it feels like his heart's been ripped out, because he doubts he still has one of those anyway, and if he did it wouldn't belong to him. No, it feels more like he's the heart that's been ripped out: he belongs at Rin's side, cooking her breakfast or watching over her as she traverses the tower, but he can't return to that existence now that he's betrayed her.

This is the second time he's betrayed a girl wearing that face. The first time was bad enough; it too gave him that terrible feeling of dislocation, of having wrenched himself out of the one place in the world he finally belonged. But he'd only been with Rin Tohsaka for a matter of days. Not even two weeks. He served Rin Matou in one way or another for six months: six months in which she was the only thing in all the worlds he had left. It's been a troubling time the whole way down, of course, as they're both broken people living in a tower of horrors, but it's still had its good points (and he's held her in his arms as well, and that's not something that can be taken back even if he swears it didn't mean anything).

Now he doesn't have that. He broke it, like he's broken everything in his life and what followed it. She was the last thing left to him and now he has nothing.

Archer broods on this for a while, and for him, "brooding" includes some rather unhealthy things, such as murdering Shirou Emiya and luring Arturia, his fellow guardian, into killing him. He broods like that, but inevitably he's back. Now, he's a broken person, but he's also a pragmatist. If he's not protecting and caring for Rin, he has to do something. Didn't he swear to fight the administrators so that others could save the worlds in peace?

Heartsick and as empty as he's ever been, Archer moves on as best he can.

[ dormitories ]

[ There's nothing particularly odd about what Archer's doing here--he's sitting at a terminal, slowly but steadily paging through the network with a cool, inscrutable expression on his face. That's the normal part, anyway. He's also got a few dozen papers at his side, and he regularly takes his attention away from the computer screen to write something down on them.

Get close enough, and one can see that the writing on the papers is plain block lettering in English, spelling out a simple message:

REQUESTING INFORMATION ABOUT, ASSISTANCE OPPOSING "RUANA" OR SUBJECT 037.

WE ARE HER CAPTIVES. ]

[ floor 20 ]

[ It might be a bit inconvenient if anyone's trying to make their way up the ramp around the edge of the tower. About halfway between this floor and the next, Archer stands on the edge of the ramp, a great black bow in his hands and a pile of papers at his feet (naturally, the ones he was writing on in the dormitories), weighted down with a couple of rocks. Every time he pulls an arrow out of nowhere, he reaches down to pull another paper from the pile and attach it to the arrow. Then he draws back the bow and fires it off the side of the tower. When that's done, he begins with another arrow.

He repeats this process about three dozen times, until all the papers are used up. ]

[ ELSEWHERE ]

[ But even with plans underway to act against the administrators, both his own and those of others, Archer has time to brood. He can be found doing just that here and there: skulking about the snowy ruins on floor 73, or sitting atop mausoleums to gaze out over the cemetery on floor 48, or gazing at the universes being destroyed on floor 12.

And now and then he can be found in the cafeteria, cooking. It's not nearly as common an occurrence as it was in the months prior, but he did tell Urotsuki he'd cook for her as well as for Rin sometimes, so he can't entirely abandon the task. ]

Comments

[chainsawn]

[ She does a fistpump into the air. Whereas that might look cute with any other girl her age, with her it just looks weird since it seems determined yet.. not at all with how blank she is.. ]

Then that means I win. Sarcasm will be my weapon.

[swordedpast]

[ ...he sighs. It's kind of a fond noise, though. Don't tell him; if he realized he'd get huffy. ]

So long as you don't leave your chainsaw at home in exchange, all right?

[chainsawn]

I won't.

[ And as if to demonstrate, she holds her hands in front of her and her chainsaw appears right in them as always. ]

After all, I can't really not take it along. It's always with me.

[swordedpast]

[ He doesn't jump or startle at a chainsaw appearing out of nowhere. He's seen this before. ]

Hmm. Is that your magecraft, Urotsuki?

[ The fondness is gone now, replaced by neutral curiosity. ]

[chainsawn]

.. Magecraft..? [ Like.. magic, is that what he means? Then again, she's never sure about her own powers either, so she's not sure what to answer. She shakes her head mostly since she's not even really familiar with it. ]

It's just my powers. Something only I can do.

[swordedpast]

Then the truth is you don't know what it is.

[ He doesn't exactly sound surprised. ]

I suppose it's not important that you know the details. So long as you can use it effectively.

[chainsawn]

Don't worry. [ She even smiles a little bit now, as if she's caught on to something.. or maybe she's just assuming it, who knows with how oblivious Urotsuki can be. ] I won't let it come back to hit me in the head. Just like how I need to watch out my kindness doesn't come back to hit me in the head like a boomerang.. someone told me that.

[ A nod. ]

So I'm always making sure to look behind me.

[swordedpast]

[ ...he gives her a long hard stare. ]

You're serious, huh.

It was good advice, but that's not how you were supposed to take it.

[chainsawn]

.. Really..? [ A blink, and then she frowns a little more, as if she's trying to understand what she's doing wrong here. ] But that person even told me to make sure to duck..

[swordedpast]

I see, they were doing something called "teasing." It's a pain, but you're the sort of person who invites it.

[chainsawn]

[ Wow, Archer's so smart, he really seems to know everything! Does he even know what's going on here that easily? She looks a little amazed. ]

How do I invite it? I don't think I ever asked for anything special..

[swordedpast]

[ He frowns a little. ]

It's probably because you make a face like that. People will keep trying to do things that make you make other faces.

[chainsawn]

.. People want to see me make faces..? They should just have asked so.

[ Slowly her hands move up to her face, tugging the corners of her mouth to the side as she sticks out her tongue.

It's supposed to be a silly face, but with her blankness it just looks weird.. ]

[swordedpast]

...don't do it like that. You look like some sort of puppet.

[ He might even takes a step away in mild alarm. ]

It's better if it comes naturally.

[chainsawn]

[ She's speaking with her face in that position still, so it comes out half-mumbled, but he should be able to still catch most of it. ]

Bhow does it cwome waturally?

[swordedpast]

[ The look he gives her is half-puzzled, half-thoughtful. ]

It's like this. You feel something, so you make an expression to show it. Well, I guess that's not how it works for you. Is it that you don't feel things, Urotsuki? Or do they not reach your face?

[chainsawn]

.. Of course I feel things..

[ She almost seems a little hurt that it's being questioned. Almost. But at least she's dropped the whole thing where she's tugging on her cheeks, so that mean she can at least talk normally.. ]

I feel a lot of things. Just like other people. Am I really that weird..?

[swordedpast]

...no.

[ Archer's voice is suddenly a little quiet, maybe even a little sheepish. Why did he question that? Was it because it would be easier if a girl like her didn't feel things? Yeah, it would be easier, but it's not the case. ]

No, you're not that weird after all. You've just got a few loose connections, probably.

[chainsawn]

[ It takes a moment of thought, but then she walks up to him, grabbing his hand lightly and moving to put it on top of her head. ]

Can you fix it..? .. Or.. should I find a doctor?

[swordedpast]

[ He's too startled to resist. Archer stands there with his hand atop Urotsuki's head, staring bemusedly down at her. ]

Fix it?

Hah, this isn't something for a doctor. No...

You have to fix it yourself, by slowly learning about all the things that puzzle you. It might take a while, but it's fine.

[chainsawn]

.. I see. Then that's maybe something I should write down too.. [ She was only supposed to write down her dreams before like she talked about with Naegi, but she wants to find out about all those things and remember them for sure! He told her, after all. ]

I'll make sure to learn quickly. I'll tie the connections back together. With really, really tight knots.

[swordedpast]

[ Before he can really think about it, Archer...

...pats Urotsuki on the head. Once, then twice. Distant memories, long since thought drowned in bitterness, stir in him of a white-haired girl he might once have treasured as a sister and tried to protect. ]

You don't need to tie knots.

[ Then the memories vanish, or he forces them away. ]

Hmph, just don't do anything foolish while trying to learn. I know that's a difficult concept for you to grasp.

[chainsawn]

[ She wrinkles her nose a little as she pouts at what he says. Apparently the closer she gets to people, the more emotion she actually does display, even if it's all still mixed in with the blankness. ]

I can do it. I'll tell the difference between what's foolish and what isn't. [ Even if she thinks watching a whale crash into the tower isn't foolish at all.. ]

[swordedpast]

Hmm, I suppose you aren't that kind of fool.

[ He gives a little nod. ]

You're more like a cat than a clown, so it's probably all right.

[ ...being around her seems to bring out the strangeness in him as well. He realizes that after a second, and he amends his comment. ]

It's curiosity that makes you act oddly, not stupidity.

[chainsawn]

I wouldn't want to be like a clown. They aren't a lot of fun. [ Even though that's.. generally what clowns are supposed to be.. but she seems pretty firm about this idea. ]

.. But I'm not a cat either.. I'm like a wolf.

[ Right as she says that she makes wolf ears appear on her head - the same color as her hair - and a wolf tail sprout from her back. ]