I'm not calling you a liar;

[cullscuttlefish]

Characters: Feferi Peixes and Gamzee Makara (both OU-flavored)
Setting: Floor 56
Format: Prose to start, action in comments.
Summary: Feferi found out Gamzee's been messing with the Slap-Chop. YOU DON'T GO MESSING WITH THE SLAP-CHOP.
Warnings: LANGUAGE. Is mentioning Jason a warning? IT IS NOW. Also, highblood trolls are their own brand of crazy, and angry ones even more so. Violence is always a possibility, and they might try to kill each other before this is all said and done.



What the fuck?! Feferi chanted the words almost like a mantra as she climbed the last few stairs. Really, what in the name of the motherfucking horrorterrors had Gamzee been thinking? She would have helped. Tavros would have helped. Anyone in the fucking tower would have helped.

You didn't fucking go to Jason. That was worse than her own breakdown. That was worse than all the brainwashing, because nobody had volunteered for that shit. This was completely voluntary, and that made it so much worse. Who knew what was going to that asshole now? Nobody but him.

And Feferi wasn't going to stand for that. Not without knowing why, and why nobody was allowed to do anything.

Comments

[cullscuttlefish]

[Feferi's own hand was bruising after that slap, her grey skin turning fuschia. But she wouldn't take it back, and she wouldn't back down. Not when she was finally getting a reaction.

Let him get angry. Maybe it would blow out whatever it was that Jason had done. Blowing the bastard's work to hell had never sounded better.]

I said it and I wasn't lying when I said I fucking broke last month. But at least I was able to feel it. I didn't and I don't want any of the things I fucking feel gone. The minute I quit being able to feel any of my own emoceans - and own them for what they are, even if they're fucked up, even if they make me a bitch, even if they make me a fucking monster - then you might as well make a grave for me. I'd rather be dead and gone for good than unable to act on what I feel, or to have it zapped the fuck out of my head by somebody who's down there laughing at me.

[She makes no move to stop him when he reaches for her necklace. If it tightens? She'll fight back. If it doesn't, she might do it anyway.]

How dare I? Because we both know that's the truth of it. It's a fucking game to him. How much of this science shit can he push down everyone, can he force on us, before we forget ourselves? That's what he wants to know. And I don't want that motherfucker to find out.

Maybe I am ignorant. Maybe I am that prissy, sanctimonious cunt you tried to call me. And maybe it's not my call.

[She hisses when that necklace snaps, coral and turquoise beads falling and scattering to the floor, but all she does is hiss this time. The words mean more.]

But don't say it's motherfucking false pity. That's the last thing this is. If I didn't give a fuck, I wouldn't have gone so far to find out what the fuck happened to you. Because this isn't you. We both know that. And I'm not gonna fucking stand there and watch that fucking asshole get into your head over and over and over again.

You don't need that bullshit. You want to find a way to shut me up? Then come the fuck at me.

[hystericull]

[This would be the point. This would be the point where Gamzee would lunge, claws and teeth and clubs first. He would twist his fingers in her hair until he could snap her neck back, raise a club and wail on every inch of flesh and bone and cartilage he could find. He'd snap her in two, he'd splash tyrian all over the walls of this once-pristine medical facility. He'd...]

[It wasn't there. The charge or dopamine or whatever it was that came from that fucking chip must have been flowing, because, as much as he tried to imagine Feferi's eyes rolling back beneath her goggles, it did nothing for him. That in itself made him angry, because everything she was saying was true. It was true, but she didn't know. She didn't know what it was like, not knowing who you were or what you were becoming. There were things talking and screaming and never shutting the fuck up inside his head at all fucking times. They weren't his voice. The sopor was a temporary calm. His moirail was a temporary calm. But every time they resurfaced from being squashed down, the voices were louder, and more in control. He faced a choice of letting them take over, or doing something drastic to stop them. He wasn't informed enough to make a sound decision, so he did something rather rash. He was used to facing the consequences of his whims. He didn't need some bitch coming in and acting like this was some new, fresh shit he'd never done before.]

I can't. I CAN'T FUCKIN' COME AT Y-YOU.

[He threw his hands up in exasperation. His face was an odd mix of fed-up and given-up, and he suddenly felt really, really tired.]

You can't fuckin' fix all what he and I motherfuckin' did. If you feel all like you be motherfucking got your obligation on to flatten out what I all done up and went to mother fucking crumple the shit out of, then consider me fuckin' not part of the god damn group no more. Pretend I don't fuckin' exist, 'cause I ain't wanting no part in this fuckin' species race camaraderie hoofbeastshit no more.

[The defeated expression was replaced with one of exhausted defiance, and he flattened his mouth into a thin little line before retrieving Feferi's note from his pocket and tossing that at her, too.]

[cullscuttlefish]

[She had been expecting it - not that Feferi had a death wish, but seeing something besides that eerie, unnatural calm would have been reassuring. It was twisted logic, and she knew it was twisted logic, but burning out the circuit, or tearing it out somehow, or some show of action...something to let her know that the little pieces that made Gamzee Gamzee hadn't all been hacked away would have given her some peace before the drones came and took her downstairs and she got put together again. She wouldn't have worried as much, at least.

And so she stood firm, and she waited for the claws at her throat, for the teeth ripping at her fins, and braced for the impact of a club slamming into her skull. It would have been an okay death this time, by that twisted logic of hers.

When those claws and teeth and clubs didn't come, she didn't expect her own tears to start. Feferi's eyes filled with watery tyrian, and all she could do for a moment was stare, letting those tears drip down her cheeks silently.]

...it really wasn't fair of me to ask, was it?

Even if I do mean well. I can't just meddle and fuss and yell and expect that to fix it all, because that's not how this goddamned place works.

It's not that I feel like I -

[Feferi stops, and shakes her head, catching herself in the lie before it's out of her mouth completely. No, she does feel like she needs to fix it. That much was also clear.]

- no. I did feel like I needed to fix it. But I can't.

I'm not just gonna abandon a friend, though. I'm a fucking barnacle, and I don't get shaken off that eelsily.

[hystericull]

If it calm your fuckin' tide at night, think on it like we was never friends to motherfuckin' be beginning on.

[He stood there, unmoving and unmoved. Her tears were nothing but a few dribbles of wasted pity. He didn't fucking need this, and he didn't fucking need her. He was getting to the point where each and every relationship held no purpose. He thought by getting the surgery, he'd be preserving himself for the people that mattered. Since then, he'd watched as three of them disappeared, one of them earning a grave.]

[It was so stupid. What a stupid waste. He'd damned his chances of survival just so he could keep his weak, sane ass around for other people. He was beginning to see what a grave oversight this truly was. Look at how easy it was to reduce Feferi to tears! Severing ties with everyone and embracing a life of wild, uncontrollable power was so much easier than dealing with being utterly nothing.]

[Gamzee shrugged, but didn't take his eyes from her.]

You don't gotta motherfuckin' be no damn barnacle. I ain't even the thing you be so desperately wanting to cling to, anyway.

You said for your fuckin' own what I ain't me no more. Give it the fuck up, girl. Find some other vessel to get your latch on at.

[cullscuttlefish]

No.

[She braces herself again, wiping at her eyes with her free hand. Feferi might still be crying, but there's anger in her tears now.]

I'm not fucking giving up. I've lost too damn much and I am not losing any-fucking-thing else. You think I don't know about those graves? You don't think it hurts me every time I hear about a new one? It does.

And yeah. I thought I fucking broke for good last month. I thought that was it. Go down to the water, live forever, fuck the world, I wanted to get off.

[Feferi suddenly snaps her trident to the side, letting the gold hit the steel table with a loud clang. The sound echoes through the entire room, and she's glad. Let it echo. Let it drill into his head, if it can.]

But the world doesn't stop spinning just because I want it to. People won't stop going and coming from this fucking place just because I decided I was gonna give up. So I came back. Am I entirely okay? No. I'm not. I'm never gonna be okay.

But that doesn't mean I can't heal. It doesn't mean I can't get stronger.

You go get your thinkpan fucked with, and the world's still gonna spin, it just means there's that much less of you to handle it with.

It was fucking stupid, Gamzee. There's no two ways about it. But you can quit being stupid and own up to your shit. Burn out whatever it is you did. Let yourself heal.

Because even if you gave up on yourself, we didn't give up on you.

[hystericull]

[The sound of her weapon against the table did pierce his hear ducts. It wasn't muffled by voices or screaming or muttering like it would have been before. He very much enjoyed the new internal silence, even if it did unnerve him a little. The most confusing part about this whole ordeal was - he wasn't sure which way was truly the right way. All of his life, he'd done exactly what he wanted to do, based on his gut feeling. It was so simple - pick the choice you wanted to do more, and fuck the consequences. It was his modus operandi since the day he was fucking hatched. This time, he didn't know what he wanted to do. The choice wasn't as clear-cut as it always had been.]

[Even though he was listening, he gave Feferi's words a sharp roll of his eyes.]

I AIN'T GONNA FUCKING HEAL!

[He wasn't even that angry, just exasperated. And tired.]

Fuckin' take a grubfuckin' gander at me!

[His tone was mocking, a cruel grin playing on his lips to expose many points of crooked fangs. In a shadowy flashstep, he was sitting up on the edge of the table where Feferi had thrown her trident. Greedy, spindly fingers snatched it up in an instant, flipping it between them in a dexterous display.]

Tidal princess bustin' my fuckin' frond up all in them other motherfuckers' beeswax like I all know just exactly what the motherfucking shit I be all spoutin' on.

CLAMP YOUR FUCKIN' GILLS, BITCH.

[His grin dropped instantly, and the trident he was holding snapped forward to point at her with a cold calculation.]

Don't fuckin' you all dare to be claimin' you be knowin' what's the rightness for my fuckin' ass. Alls a sudden you be fuckin' comin' up after me like a grubsitter chasin' a mother fucking runaway. [He hopped off of the table, pacing wide circles around her - giving enough space to keep himself away from her, but not straying far enough to break eye contact.] And shit if I ain't all motherfuckin' flattered at your little advance, but I think we both got a little sorting out to do in that department before we all can be twistin' our pans around a fresh mother fucking pink endeavor, ain't you bein' in all motherfuckin' agreeance!?

[cullscuttlefish]

ACTING LIKE THAT, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING HEAL!

[Her lips curl up into a wry little grin. Let him get mad - if it was actually getting mad - like this. Even if it's not, it's a sign that she's getting to him. If she can get to him? Then yeah, actually, it's a sign that healing's possible.]

You're just choosing not to do it because it's the lazy way out. I'm not gonna clamp anything, because you and I both know it's the truth - horrorterrors or messiahs, take your pick, they'd both say the same exact fucking thing right now.

[Feferi will stare down the point of that trident, then move forward. Her attempt to grab her weapon back is thwarted by distance and a few quick mental calculations. Gamzee's taller and heavier than she is, and while she's got plenty of speed and strength for being so small (for now), the physical disparity and the fact that he's got more weaponry than she has means that she's at a disadvantage.]

The fuck do you mean, 'suddenly'? Have you forgotten that I've been checking on you in one way or another for a while now?

[But he's got a point, and she's got a history of pale relationships that go straight to hell. She dies at the hand of her former moirail, and that's a pattern that doesn't need repeating.

...still. Someone has to keep an eye out.]

Maybe you do. I'm at the point where I've realized something: it's not really about being perfectly balanced, because that doesn't fucking happen in real life. It's about having someone - multiple people, if it has to be - in this place who gives enough of a shit about you to realize when something like this is going on and call your ass out on it.

[hystericull]

Ahaha... ahahahahahahahaha!!!

HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK!!!

[His laughter was as sudden as it was unexpected, and it took even him by surprise. He took a moment to clutch a hand to his belly in an attempt to quiet the laughter, but it rang out for a while before he eventually cut it off completely.]

[Reaffirming his grip on the trident, he cleared his throat and wiped a stray purple tear from his eye as a result of his bout of hysterics.]

Fuckin' tell the shit in a motherfucker all up and fuckin' true:

[He narrowed his yellow eyes to slits, grinning cruelly and pointing her own weapon at her again.]

The fuckin' reason' you all was draggin' my fucking ass down here were 'cause to all put the motherfuckin' moves on me!?

[He had a lot more to say, but her sudden broaching of quadrant discussion had caught him off guard.]