towerofanimus | When Trying Isn't Enough... [Closed/Backdated to May 31st]

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When Trying Isn't Enough... [Closed/Backdated to May 31st]

Characters: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (

oathshackledbird ) and Ryoji Mochizuki (

notsogrimreaper )
Setting Room 4-16, backdated to late on the 31st of May
Format: Any
Summary: Sadly, despite their best efforts, Diarmuid and Yukiko were unable to stop Sephiroth from making Ryoji kill himself in this thread. Now Diarmuid waits for Ryoji to 'wake up' so that they can talk about what happened.
Warnings: Mentions of death, suicide and mind control. Will update if needed!

He's been waiting. Ever since he and Yukiko had failed to save Ryoji from Sephiroth's manipulations, Diarmuid has been waiting for Ryoji's return. He knows better than to interfere with the unit returning Ryoji's body. In fact, around the time he is due to return, Diarmuid drops into spirit form rendering himself invisible to the normal eye to make sure that his presence in the room doesn't cause any problems. Once the unit has come and gone, he returns to solid form and moves to the side of the boy's bed. He settles on the edge of the bed and, after a moment, starts to stroke Ryoji's hair.

Diarmuid has no idea how long it will be until Ryoji wakes up nor how much sleep paralysis the boy will have to wait through. There is so much he wants to say--so much he wants to tell the boy--but for now he does what any person who has had to watch someone so close to them hurt so badly. He gathers the boy carefully into his arms and begins rocking him.

Eventually, soft words fill the air. A lullaby sung in Ancient Gaelic. One followed by another until the time comes for the boy to wake up...

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"Shhh...it's all right, Ryoji," Diarmuid gently tucks the boy's head beneath his chin, beginning to rock him again. "You don't have to be sorry. The only person who should be sorry never will be, unfortunately. That doesn't mean you have to blame yourself instead. We'll find a way to fix all of this. I'm not sure how, but if we work together hard enough, I am sure we will find a way. No one else has to be hurt."

Perhaps he shouldn't say it like that. With how unpredictable things are in the tower, Diarmuid has no way of knowing just how quickly they will be able to deal with Sephiroth, but they will do their best, and hopefully that best will be enough to keep others from being hurt.

"Why shouldn't I be sorry? I... I hurt you, and after everything you did to try to help I still..."

He still jumped. He can't imagine how painful that was for them to see... He hates that he gave in to what Sephiroth wanted.

"...How is Yukiko now? You said she was safe but after everything I did to her, she was already really upset with me."

He can't think of how they're going to stop this just yet. He needs to focus on his friends first, and that the aftermath from that situation is remedied before they try confronting another problem, even if that problem may be one that affects many others besides them.

Diarmuid shakes his head, "That was not your doing. That was Sephiroth's. Had he not twisted your emotions so, you would not have done such a thing. We all know that.

"Yukiko is worried about you, just like I am, Ryoji. I don't know what happened between you two or how much of a hand Sephiroth had in it, but she was just as upset as I was when it happened. I will be perfectly honest with you. We both...just stayed there and cried a while. Eventually, I saw her to her room. I hope that you will speak to her soon. No matter what Sephiroth caused to happen between you two, I have every reason to believe she truly cares for you. Don't let him mess that up."

Edited 2013-06-14 06:04 (UTC)

"She shouldn't be worried."

Ryoji exhales slowly, putting a bit of distance between himself and Diarmuid now. It's not that he didn't appreciate being held, but he needs to explain some things... Besides, hearing what happened after he died made him a bit nervous about keeping that contact. He doesn't want to look too broken when it's clear that Diarmuid is suffering.

"...I met her during that experiment, where I became one of the worker drones. I ended up killing her, and when we met each other afterwards, we ended up talking. She understand what I was feeling, and... we really felt a connection. I think that was real, even if Sephiroth forced it a little later."

Whether Yukiko believes that or not, he isn't sure.

"It is real and I believe she feels that way too. In fact, I am almost certain of that even though I have only known her a short time. After all, if she did not care, I doubt she would have gotten so upset with you as you mention. I was so grateful she was there. As much as I care about you, since I am not from your world there are things I will never have experienced or understand as well as someone from a world so close to yours will. She knew how to best fight you and how to stop you without hurting you more than necessary. Even with how things ended, I expect they would have been much worse if she had not been there," Diarmuid allows Ryoji his distance understanding the need, though he does reach out and place a hand on the boy's arm so there is still some measure of comfort there. Whether that comfort is is intended for one or both of them is anyone's guess.

"Honestly, I am not sure you can avoid her at this point, so why waste your time trying? She does not seem like the kind who gives up easily," Diarmuid smiles warmly. "It doesn't matter that your relationship got off to a bad start. Didn't our has a similar bad start? The tower twists so much here. All we can do is identify what means the most to us and then hold onto that no matter what is thrown at us."

Ryoji appears lost in thought. Of course, during his manipulation, he had thought his love for Yukiko was entirely real, just like when he had fallen for Diarmuid. Perhaps that was why he kept trying to pretend it was fake now, after he had hurt Diarmuid so badly.

"I guess... I really knew all along it was true. I don't think I could know anyone like her without loving them.

And... I can tell you more about my world, if you ever want to know. I don't want you to end up hurt just because you don't know what to do when I'm in a different form."

He at least allows the hand, though he keeps his eyes lowered, a tad guilty.

"She is... really important to me. It's just going to take a while to accept it."

He knows Yukiko probably forgives him, so all Ryoji needs to do is forgive himself... however long that may take.

"You are not the one at fault. I will admit to having been curious about your world and how it works, but at the same time I know how much thinking about it can upset you. I was willing to forgo learning about your world if it meant making it easier for you to move forward and make the most of this chance," Diarmuid looks down, embarrassed. "I should have known that this place would find a way to take advantage of that gap in my knowledge. I am just thankful that Yukiko was there to help fill that gap. If you wish to tell me more about your world and yourself, I will be glad to hear it.

"As for Yukiko, it is better that you don't rush understanding and accepting your feelings for her. It is best that you let things happen naturally. Your relationship will be stronger in the long run for the time that you spend on it now. Let things happen as they will and don't let the tricks of others or the tower rush you into anything you are not ready for."

"No, it's alright. It's a little upsetting, but it's better if you learn and understand the truth. It's no use hiding from it, since this second chance still involves pieces of my past.

"So... I'm not sure what I have and haven't told you, but if you'd like to hear what I need to say, I'll tell you."

He flushes, but nods.

"Of course. We already tried rushing our feelings, thanks to the Tower. I don't want her to have to put up with that any more, and I don't mind waiting."

Funny, how different his thoughts were not too long ago.

"You have only told me bits and pieces. Perhaps instead of trying to weave your way around those, it would just be best to start at the beginning and tell me all you think I should know? Don't worry about repeating something," Diarmuid reaches out and gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Hearing those things again in context will make it easier for me to link everything together."

He gives the boy a gentle look, "Neither of you should have to deal with that. I hope things will go more smoothly for you both now. You both deserve happiness. I would say come to me should you need any advice, but I am not sure how good my advice would be," he laughs lightly and then motions toward the spot beneath his eye. "You know, considering this."

Ryoji decides to resolve the matter with Yukiko before starting such a long story.

"She definitely deserves it. She seems to think I could do better, but I know I'm the one who's unbelievably lucky to be with her."

He laughs and tilts his head so his own birthmark is visible.

"You know, I have one of those too. Maybe that's why I was so popular at school!"

But that cheeriness doesn't last too long, now that he's reminded of the story he needs to tell.

"At the beginning... okay. I'll do my best."

He inhales and lets out the air slowly, trying to collect his thoughts. He appreciates the hand on his shoulder, especially now, to keep him grounded while he tries to sort through his past.

"You already know about Nyx. What she is is difficult to say. She's made up of darkness, and seems to have power higher than that of humans, but she is compelled to listen to their desires all the same. She has titles: The Maternal Being, The Mother of Shadows, but that only explains so much.

"I can tell you that she is a more solitary being, and for a long time, she remained on the stars, until humans started to call to her. Pieces of her broke off and ended up resonating with people. What ended up happening was that the darkness caused an extra hour, just after midnight. It was called the Dark Hour, and in that time, the pieces of Nyx appeared as monsters called Shadows, and they stayed in this tower known as Tartarus.

"Most people couldn't see this extra hour. As soon as it hit, they would be placed in coffins, and would rest until that time passed. There were a special few, though, that were conscious, and upon seeing that time, the leader of something called the Kirijo Group got scientists to experiment with what they found. They tried to force people to gain the inner strength called Persona. They created Anti-Shadow Weapons that could summon Personae of their own...

"Eventually, they experimented on pieces of Nyx, and captured Death in a tangible form... they created me."

This is all said in a quiet and calm voice, making Ryoji seem a lot more mature than he sometimes acts. Still, he has to pause now, catch his breath, and make sure Diarmuid understands before he continues on.

Diarmuid nods occasionally as Ryoji tells his story. While there are things he would like to ask questions on or make a comment about, considering just how much he knows Ryoji has to tell he decides to keep these comments to himself for the moment. He doesn't want to distract Ryoji and perhaps accidentally make him forget something or lose his place.

"I believe I understand so far. Please continue. I have thoughts and questions but I expect it might be best to let those wait until the story is complete especially since there is a chance the questions might be answered as you continue."

Ryoji nods, a little shakily, and decides to continue on. He has no excuse not to tell the whole story.

"In that form, I was very unstable. I ended up flying into a rage and breaking free. As I went through the city, pieces of me started breaking off, turning into powerful Shadows. I was only a fragment of Death's form when one of the Anti-Shadow Weapons, a girl named Aigis, found me.

"Even weakened as I was, she couldn't destroy me. She was desperate, and her only way to stop me was to seal me away in a boy nearby. That boy was Minato, and that event along with the death of his parents in a car accident pushed him to develop his own Persona. He unlocked that ability when he returned to the city, ten years later. He actually had the power to switch between multiple Personae, and my other form, Thanatos, was one of them.

"After living inside of Minato for so long, I started developing a more human side, and I eventually learned to communicate with him in his dreams, as a young boy named Pharos. I warned Minato of the Shadows that had been part of me without realizing that destroying them would do more harm then good... yet he defeated all twelve of them, gaining back some of my power for me with each one. When the last one was destroyed, I escaped from him, and with no memories of my past, I enrolled as a transfew student at his school, and took the name Ryoji Mochizuki."

He adopts a sad smile, as his fingers tease the edges of his scarf.

"I spent a month like that. I was... happy. I felt afraid at night, but that was the only trouble I had. Of course, that couldn't last forever, and eventually, I experienced the Dark Hour, entering a trance and waking up on the bridge where I first fought with Aigis. She came to confront me there, once again, but once my memories returned, my powers did as well, and her attacks reflected back on her, tearing her apart.

"Minato and his friends, the other Persona users like him, tracked down Aigis and found me, but I passed out before I could explain. The next evening, I told them what I remembered. As Death, I had another role as the Appriser. I listened to the world's calling for death, and called down Nyx to bring the Fall... the end of the world. She was to descend two months later, and when she did, all life would be wiped from existence. All that would be left would be Shadows. At that time, there was only one way I could think of to postpone the Fall. I would need to be killed, so Nyx's coming would be slowed. I gave them a month to decide what they would do.

"...Of course, they refused, even when I showed Minato my true farm. All I could do was tell them where to find Nyx, and leave. After that, the darkness overtook me, and I became the Avatar for Nyx, doing her work for her while she oversaw it.

"On the day of the Fall, I arrived at Tartarus."

He has to pause here for a moment, swallowing down guilt. It's so strange to refer to these other forms as himself... but he knows he is to blame, no matter if that was Nyx pulling his strings.

No matter what people told him. He may never completely forgive himself.

"Minato and the others fought as hard as they could, but I could not be defeated. I started luring Nyx down from her place on the moon, just as it was fated to happen...

"Minato wouldn't listen to fate. He used all his power and strength to seal Nyx and myself away."

Ryoji chokes, and shrugs a little.

"Well, I think you know the rest. Minato's soul left his body to become the Seal, preventing human desires, which manifested as a monster known as Erebus, from reaching Nyx. And I stayed there, speaking to Minato as much as I could before coming here."

He finally falls silent after a short exhale of breath, refusing to meet Diarmuid's eyes. He knows his father has and still will accept this, and he... isn't sure if he is happy about that or not.

For several long moments after Ryoji stops speaking all Diarmuid can do is sit in silence trying to process what the boy has told him. It's so unbelievable. It seems so impossible and yet he knows it is all true. He's seen Thanatos. He's talked to Nyx. He's felt her rummaging around in his mind desperately trying to make him wish for the death she is destined to bring to everything.

But knowing this doesn't make Diarmuid feel any less about the boy he calls son. In this, Ryoji is correct. In fact, what it does do is make him unbelievably proud of him and, as a result without a word, he pulls Ryoji into another tight hug.

"Thank you," The words are soft, whispered almost directly into the boy's ear and, though soft, they carry a great many meanings. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for trying again. Thank you for being a hero.

Thank you for being you.

The silence almost worries him, for a while. He knows how much it is to take in, and he understands that unsettling feeling, knowing that someone who seemed human is actually the farthest thing from it. He's a monster. He's a piece of Nyx, her puppet. His existence is what brought about so much trouble, and still continues to... Maybe Diarmuid is having second thoughts about ignoring that truth.

When he's finally pulled into the hug, though, all that grief floods away, and Ryoji actually finds himself relieved. After so long believing he deserved hatred, it was okay to be treated right once in a while.

He doesn't say anything for a moment, just resting his forehead against Diarmuid's shoulder and closing his eyes. When his voice does come, it's softer than his father's, and a bit strained with the emotion.

"Why are you thanking me? I shouldn't have taken so long to explain..."

Diarmuid smiles at Ryoji's quiet question. How does he explain what the words mean without embarrassing the easily embarrassed boy?

"I am thanking you for a lot of things. Especially since I suspect you have never been thank for them before, " Diarmuid gives the boy another squeeze before sitting back from the hug so he can look him in the eyes. "I am thanking you for being you. I am thinking you for never giving up. I am thanking you for trying so hard. I am thanking you for helping them...

"You talk so much about them being heroes... You realize you are one yourself, right?"

Ryoji's eyes get wider with each thing Diarmuid says, but instead of blushing, he just looks away, a sad smile on his face.

"You're right. I haven't really been thanked for that. Honestly, I didn't think I should be...

"Don't you understand? I did more harm than help. If they would have listened to me and ended my life, they would have forgotten about the Fall until it was too late to prevent it.

"I'm... really not a hero. Still, thank you for saying so."

"Ryoji, listen to me for a moment instead of your insecurities and worries," Diarmuid reaches out to try and gently turn Ryoji's head back to him. "You know Minato and the others. Do you really think they would have thanked you for that memory loss? They are all fighters. They would never have been able to give up like that. None of them would have been happy with that option. I don't know all the rules of your world, but some things are meant to be learned and once learned cannot be forgotten. I expect even if they had taken that option, someone would have remembered somehow and then your death would have been for nothing.

'No, they did the right thing and so did you. You made the offer with all your heart and soul. They chose not to take it. Offers don't have to be taken to mean something, you know. In fact, some are more powerful because they are not taken."

“S-Sorry…” Ryoji falls silent, and, as difficult as it is, he manages to maintain eye contact with Diarmuid.

“I knew that. I knew they would never want to give up and ignore the truth, but I was hopeful. I didn’t want them to suffer any more than they already had… but instead, they lost their leader, their dearest friend… my other half.”

He swallows, but manages a small smile.

“…But you’re right. It was better that they didn’t take it. Minato doesn’t regret it, so I shouldn’t either. I just wish it was a choice they never had to make.”

Diarmuid's hand drops to Ryoji's shoulder and he gives it a gentle squeeze, "I know it's easy to want the people we care about not to have to make such hard choices, but those choices have to be made or else life won't continue. They were picked to make that choice because someone knew they would make the right one in the end. Even if it meant pain, they could handle it and do what had to be done.

"You say yourself Minato didn't regret and you shouldn't either. That is correct. Direct that energy to a more useful purpose. There is a lot to be accomplished and not a lot of time to do it. There is a lot to experience and not enough time to experience it all in. Minato lived his life and made his choices with no regrets. It is something you should try to do as well. Let the past go and focus on now."

"Of course they would pick right... They just would have been able to keep living-all of them-if I hadn't existed and made that choice a necessary one. So it's not that I regret their decision, it's that I regret my involvement in bringing it about.

"It's not that I'm not happy about living! Of course I'm going to use this time to make up for all that. I will use my time to do good... it's just hard to let go. To forget what I was before. I've been trying, and I promise you, I'll get there soon..."

Realizing what he's saying, he bites his lip, cutting off the rest of his confession. He doesn't want Diarmuid to think that he hasn't been helping. Ryoji is a lot better than he used to be. At least, he's no longer blaming himself for the destruction of the worlds, and for a few of the things he ended up experiencing in the Tower.

Diarmuid smiles, reaching out to ruffle the boy's hair, "I know you are trying and you have been doing very well. I am quite proud of you. You just have to make sure you keep moving forward at every opportunity. It is far too easy to start sliding back otherwise."

He pauses a moment here as if he is thinking over something before finally deciding to speak again, "I don't know if you have thought of this or not, but there are things that are fated to happen no matter who does what when. Even if it had not been you involved in having them make that choice, it would have been someone. Even if it had not been Nyx, some other force would have likely taken her place and been threatening the same kind of destruction.

"Be glad it was you because it gave you the chance to meet them."

"Of course. I know that's too easy to do, and I know I have been sliding back a lot lately... I'm sorry."

He frowns a bit, but his hair being touched, as embarrassed as it makes him, does feel rather nice... Unfortunately, Diarmuid's continuation hits rather close to home.

"I know it was fated. With what I am, I should understand just why the threat of the Fall was inevitable. I knew it was something that was going to happen, would happen no matter what I did... and I know it might still happen, even with Minato's sacrifice. I just can't help but feel it wasn't fair.

"Still, you're right. I was so lucky to have met them. I wouldn't be who I am without them."

"And they would not be who they are without you, no doubt," Diarmuid lets his hand drop away from Ryoji's head. It comes to rest on the boy's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. "Of course, knowing it is all fated doesn't take the pain away or make it any more fair to Minato and his friends, but it should make it a little easier to not blame yourself since it was beyond your control.

"You know this, of course. It is what you have been working on, and I know you will keep doing your best. It should go without saying, but you know I will be here to offer whatever support you need whenever you need it," Diarmuid falls into thought for several moments before speaking again. "What will you do now? Shall I leave you to rest? Do you want to go and talk to Yukiko? I really think you should as soon as you feel up to it."

"Hah, you think so? It would be nice if that were true. I want to give something good back to them, after all... And I guess you're right. I don't know if I can let myself off the hook just yet, but I know I didn't have a lot of control of it."

Ryoji offers a nod at Diarmuid's next part. He has been working hard, and bit by bit, even if the experiments often make him take a step backward... he's moving on. He has other people who have helped him, and he should focus on making this up to him instead of still dwelling on the past.

"Ah... I... I honestly wouldn't mind just walking around. I want to talk to Yukiko, but I don't really want to leave you alone just yet."

He just wants a bit of company, is all.

"Of course I think so, don't doubt it," Diarmuid reaches out and ruffles Ryoji's hair one last time...for now...before actually letting his arm fall away completely.

"We can do whatever you would like to do. Please don't think I am trying to rush you away. I would like to spend more time with you. I just didn't want to keep you from doing whatever else you might want to do. We can go walking and maybe get you something to eat? Are you hungry at all? Who knows. We might even run into Yukiko while we are out."

"I'll try not to then!" Ryoji laughs, but let's Diarmuid ruffle his hair once more.

"No, I didn't think you didn't want to spend time with me! I understand if you're busy, after all. I'm just not sure what I really want to do. There are too many people I want to reassure, let them know I'm okay now. I probably worried them when I was acting so strange...

"It's probably for the best if I focus on eating first. Then I'll have the energy to look around some more. I hope I find Yukiko soon, though..."

"I am never too busy for my family," Diarmuid stands from the bed and motions toward the door. "Lets focus on getting some food in you. The other things can come after or even during if we happen to run into someone who you would like to talk to while we are out. Shall we go? Hopefully, we will at least find Yukiko. She knew just as well as I when you would be back after all. It could be she is looking for you as well."

"Okay, that works for me. Thanks for coming with me..."

Ryoji slides himself off of the bed and approaches Diarmuid with a shy smile. He's lucky to have someone who is this determined to look out for him. Neither Diarmuid nor Yukiko need to do this... but it feels nice all the same.

"I know we'll find Yukiko. This place is big, but I have a feeling it shouldn't be too hard to find her."

They're connected, after all, just like him and Diarmuid. He can't let Yukiko believe he's gone any longer than he truly is.

Diarmuid drops an arm around Ryoji's shoulders and directs them into the hallway, "If we don't run into her, once you are done eating, I can always make a quick circuit of the Tower and see if I can find her for you." He winks at the boy, grinning mischievously, "While I am bringing her back, I can ask her all those questions fathers ask the girls who are close to their sons. What do you think of that?"

"Oh, you don't need to do tha-

W-Wait, don't ask her anything too embarrassing! You know she's kind of shy!"

Or maybe he's just embarrassed... Still, Ryoji smiles through his protests, even as they head out into the hallway.

Diarmuid laughs as he heads into the hallway with Ryoji, "Don't worry. I will be good...mostly. If nothing else, I would rather she not set me on fire. Her Persona is quite fearsome."

"As long as you don't tease her too much, I don't think she'll set you on fire. She only does that to the people she doesn't like!"

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When Trying Isn't Enough... [Closed/Backdated to May 31st]

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warning, huge wall of partially headcanoned text ahead

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Do you think this is about wrapped up?

Yeah, for sure! <3

:-D

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