towerofanimus | ITP: Shadow Children

Entry tags:

ITP: Shadow Children

Who: [AU5] Saber and YOU.
Format: Starts prose, will match replies
Setting: Various places
Summary: Arturia makes flower chains because there needs to be a break from angst, finds Saber's cat and misses those who left the tower, runs into the first of the shadows, is saved from a hoard of them by Veigar, and then dies toward the end of the week.
Warnings: Character death, shadow children, Veigar

[A: Floor Twenty-five; Meadow; Prior to Event; Angst break]
It was boredom that led her to decide to play with flowers like she hadn't done since she was a child. Pure and simple boredom and a desire to simply do something inane for once. Arturia had long ago stopped worrying about what would happen if someone caught her doing something childish.

That was why she currently sat amongst the flowers in the meadow, carefully, very carefully, picking and cutting and knotting flowers together. Slowly but surely the chain of flowers she was working on grew and grew. Now, if only she could figure out what to do with this chain she was crafting. Maybe give it to someone? But who? And what could she possibly fashion it into?

[B: Dorms; Backdated to just after Infiltration]
Arturia was on her way in from doing a round of monster hunting, tired and exhausted, when she felt something rub at her legs. She looked down to find a pair of bright greens eyes looking up at her. It took a moment to register that this was a cat and not just any cat, but Amy: the cat her other self had taken in.

Arturia had been under the impression the little thing had disappeared along with Saber's belongings when she had left the Tower. What was it still doing here? Was it a monster? Or an illusion made of Glamour and film?

It didn't matter, did it? Not when the creature was pawing at her skirts and Arturia remembered spending time in Saber's room, marveling over Avalon and the people who had held it in their stead. She bit her lip, feeling a lump rise in her throat as she knelt down and picked up the cat. So far, it appeared to be nothing more than a cat. So most likely it was nothing more than a film construct.

But, given that Irisviel and Ilyasviel and Mordred had all been homunculi, did that make 'Amy' any less real?

"Maybe I should take you in?" There was a sad note in her voice as she realized she may never see Saber again. Nor Archer. Nor Rin. Nor any of the others she had grown close to. Why had they been sent away? It wasn't fair!

And immediately, she felt bad for that thought, knowing that people being sent away had not been intentional. There was only so much Zo could do, after all. If she wanted to see them again, she'd have to find a way to fix that and lessen the burden on the boy. Except how?

Myao!

"One moment, little one. I'll look after you now. Let's see if we can find you something to eat, all right?"

And, picking up the cat, she went looking for something she could possibly feed it.

[C: Various; Day Two of the event]
It was after she found an ID Card in her mailbox that she began to notice them. The shadows she had seen down below. Given her 'present' and Jason's post on the network, she was wary of them. They did nothing to harm her and generally stayed out of the way of others, but there was something beyond their nature that unnerved her.

Perhaps it was how familiar a few of them seemed? Arturia could quite pinpoint how, something about the way they moved. They would flit about, yes, and seemed to press unnaturally into the corners to allow people by, but there was still something about the way the gaggling of shadows she was sure were following her that was eerily familiar. On occasion she'd tried to find that smile that matched the one on the card she kept with her, but no. No. That shadow was not among them from what she could tell.

It was when they started speaking that she suddenly understood why they seemed so familiar.

Father....

Arturia jumped, turning and seeing nothing but the small gaggling of shadows before her.

"Mordred....?" she called, looking around.

It was the smallest shadow that spoke.

Why did you erase me, Father? Was I not good enough to live?

Arturia had never known Mordred's fate after making her wish. If the boy (?) had lived somehow or been erased with her own existence. It didn't matter now, not when that shadow was talking with Mordred's voice.

It had to be a trick, right? Nothing more than another trick of the Tower.

I see you've taken to replacing me with another, came Lancelot's voice next. Another shadow, this time much taller, it's smile not as wide but the way it seemed to slump giving her a clue as to who it was.

What do you expect? She's heartless. Even we, who she claimed were her friends, were nothing to her. That's why she can replace us so easily. Even that boy she claims to love, see how she fawns over that other boy here as if he's nothing but a common cuckoo for believing she would never hurt him.

No. Gwen. Not Gwen. Anyone but Gwen. But the shadow flitted close to her until all Arturia could see was blackness and that wide white white smile.

Right.... Arturia?

She turned from the shadow and hurried up the steps. A trick. It has to be a trick. It couldn't be anything but a trick. That's all it is. Another illusion of the Tower.

She just had to shut her ears to them. How bad could it be?

[Floor Ten; Aquarium; Day 4 of the event; Closed to adorablyevilish]
Liar!

You stole him from me! How could you steal him from me? I loved him first!

If you hadn't existed, I could have been happy! Why should you live as you when this is my fate? Why can't I be the one to be happy for once?

You were supposed to protect us! Yet you abandon us! Even now, should we be restored, you think of abandoning us! How could you?

How can you claim to be a knight, much less a king, when you destroy all you love? How?

You're no sister of mine. Why did I even bother to look out for you? I should've insisted Father leave you to the wolves instead of take you in!

Arturia was more or less catatonic now, surrounded by the shadows pressing in on her on all sides, each scrambling for her attention. She'd managed to quiet them briefly by asking the growing crowd to let her get someplace out of the way as not to inconvenience others. Perhaps, knowing they would get what they want from her, they had calmed until she came here. There was no escaping this, none that she could find, and she was so very tired of running from these things. It was getting hard to even keep her eyes open, to concentrate on anything but the litany of voices around her.

People rarely came to the aquarium. Hopefully, the growing crowd would not attract people. And dear whatever deity may be listening, there was a crowd. Millions, perhaps billions of them fluttering about and pressing in on her. Despite how Arturia knew she tended to focus on simply Camelot or Shirou, her responsibilities were farther reaching. A Counter Guardian was meant to protect humanity throughout time and space.

And, somehow, she failed even in that regard.

It didn't matter. This is what Arturia knew she deserved. She was weak, a failure as a king, as a Guardian, as anything she set her mind on now. Perhaps she would fail even this Tower. She had been one of the ones responsible for destroying the power cores. The people here would die soon, too. And soon.... soon she had a feeling the crowd would get their fill of her.

Even now, her energy failing, she searched the crowd of them, looking for that familiar smile and clutching the card in her hands.

[Day 5; Closed]
It was on the fifth day, when she had no choice but to sleep in her bed that he finally came. Arturia could not even delude herself at this point. These things were who they said they were. They had to be.

That was why when the crowd went silent and parted for one particular shadow child, she knew exactly who it was. The smile was just as white white white as the one in the school ID she had been clutching in one hand, but with a bit of a crook to it she would recognize anywhere.

If there was ever a time she thought Shirou most attractive, it was when he was smiling. It was a shock to realize that accounted for him in this form, too.

"Hello, Shirou."

Hello, Saber.

"I'm sorry."

I know. I'm sorry I waited this long. I.... I wasn't sure if you would try to hurt me again or not.

"If I could do it over again, I wouldn't have done it."

I know.

"....stay with me? For a little while?"

All right.

And the shadow laid down beside her. Not touching her, no, the ghost of its hand reaching out to cover hers. She was so weak she couldn't even feel it, but she tried to imagine how warm the hand had been in life, the way it felt to be held by him. Even though she asked for it, his presence alone brought no comfort to her, brought no joy. All it did was remind her she did not deserve this, did not deserve comfort or warmth or love or joy.

She was supposed to save her nation and had wound up destroying it.

She had sworn to protect the boy laying beside her and wound up killing him with her own hand.

She was supposed to protect the world itself and somehow she had messed up even that.

Arturia had been nothing but a failure. That's all that she ever would be. It was time she finally accepted it.

It's a few hours later when her collar finally goes completely clear, that she finally drifts off and lets the darkness take her. The very last thing she feels is the press of something--she isn't sure what--to her forehead and she shudders. Not even a kiss could bring her comfort. The very thought that even like this Shirou is trying to comfort her only drives the point home. If she couldn't protect kindness like this, then who could she protect?

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[He cannot recall ever having seen Her flee as if pursued.
Calling her Name boots nothing, as she has covered her ears and cannot hear him-- and likely would not heed him, if other Voices, Shadow Voices, have found her.

He follows swiftly, rushing to overtake Her, his own Shadows in tow.
He lays a hand upon her shoulder.]

Arthur--

[Thankfully for her pride, she does not cry out when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She turns, looking stricken, ready to lash out, but seeing Lancelot's face calms her, gets her to reign it in even as Guinevere-the-shadow flits about in the distance.

The school ID is still tight in Arturia's hand and she lowers it, unable to hide how uneasy she is and embarrassed to find Lancelot had caught her fleeing these things.]

Lancelot. How fare you?

[He has no wish to shame her, and so does not comment on her fright. The Shadows, unseen by him but surely present, are enough to unnerve even the strongest.
He ignores his own fairly successfully. They only say Words he heard in Life-- and hears now in his Dreams. Not that their burden is a light one to bear. It is merely familiar.]

I fare as well as may be.
These Shadows are a plague.

How do you fare, then?

I'm well.

[A lie. A complete lie. She lowers her hands clutching tight to that card.]

As well as I can be here.

[Which, if she's honest with herself lately, isn't very much.]

[He would be no Knight, nor hold any Memory of Arthur, if he could not see her distress.]

As well as all that? Are you so Haunted, then?

I.... I am....

Liar, deceiver, failure! Everything you do turns to ash! You swore your soul to the world itself and yet you could not even protect it! Trash!

[She falls silent at that shout from another shadow: one she does not recognize, then looks up at Lancelot's face. No. After that, there's no way she can even begin to try deceiving him into thinking she's all right.]

No. I am disturbed. I....

[She looks at the ID in her hands then holds it out to him.]

I found this in my mailbox and then a few creatures similar to the one depicted have been following me. [And she has seen them before downstairs and one had even been at her side the last time she had been brought back from the dead.]

[Brows knitted in concern, he takes the card. Yes, this is what haunts her-- and all within the Tower, seemingly. A Shadow with a sly smile and dire words. This one, he has not seen, but then he would not. Arthur's Shadows must surely be her own.]

Aye, I have seen such. Two I have that trail me now. They do speak to me-- though it is nothing I have not heard either in Life or in my Dreams or Madness, still they sap one's Strength and peace of Mind.

If you will speak to me of this, I might share your Burden, Arthur. This is no foe to be faced alone, if one is unused to such things.

[No, it's not a foe to face alone. Of that she is certain, especially when Arturia's greatest enemy has always been her own mind, her own words reflected back at her, cutting her to the core. Things she honestly believes to be true, but made worse by the fact it's those she had cared so much about saying them.]

I have not seen this particular shadow either, but....

Do you know the boy with red hair you have seen me take my mid-day meals with?

[If he has, he would have likely noticed how at ease she is with him, simply eating and listening. How, for all her self loathing she seems almost happy around this boy.

Her heart already pounds in her chest because, well, it's Lancelot, and she knows if he is to understand what it is that disturbs her so, she will have to explain to him exactly what she did. Shirou she could see forgiving her when she explained what had happened in her world. Lancelot?

She has no idea. Every day she fears he'll come to hate her, even if that has not happened yet.]

[Odd, Arthur seems somehow-- young to him.]

Yes, I have seen the boy-- here and there.
What is he to you, then, that he should appear to you so?

In my world.....

[She looks away, feeling guilty already, but forcing herself to tell him.]

In my world, he was my Master in the Fifth War and the man I fell in love with.

[It is rare that surprise registers on Lancelot's face, but it does so now in the form of raised eyebrows. Torn between-- he knows not what, he simply does not speak for a moment.

Such a-- human thing for Arthur to do. She had ever been a Leader of Men, a King of Men, but she had never truly been Of the Men she led. She had not loved Guinevere in the way that he had done, still does-- but this he had known in Life. How should he feel now then, about he Love of this Man?]

Did you-- and were you made Happy by it, Arthur?

[If the circumstances were just slightly different, she might have been pleased by the surprised expression on his face, the way he falls silent. She might even have asked for his advice about how to treat one's lover.

A sad smile comes across her face as she thinks of these things.]

Yes. For a short time.

[How had it gone, that little snippet of song, all that he can recall of one of her Songs-- oh yes My Life is but a Summer Song, a little Carol in the Sun... Lancelot seems to drift for a moment in his own memory.]

Yes, it only lasts a Summer long, however bright the Sun.

Perhaps for you, Arthur, something I heard at my Mother's knee is truer still-- that those most Worthy of Love are seldom made Happy by it.
[Lancelot's smile is a mirror of Arthur's then, the expression rendering him strangely human for a passing moment.]

Edited 2013-09-24 19:44 (UTC)

[She knows of the song, had heard it a few times herself. Arturia can't look at him as she speaks:]

I killed him, Lancelot.

[She says it before she can think, before her own confusion and doubt about the matter can make her hesitate. Even then there is pain in her voice, shame spilling out. Even now, no matter how much she speaks of it to those she holds close she has no idea why she did it. Even while she'd been doing it she had no idea what had possessed her. One moment, Kotomine had been making the offer and the next Shirou's head was on the floor. She couldn't even remember making the strike, had blocked it out completely from her mind despite how much she puzzled over the matter.

The man she loved, the man she gave her word as a knight she would protect, the man who had been the first in a long time to see her as a person and welcomed her to his table as simply that. The man who she had given up her honor by killing.

'King of Knights'? How can she even accept such a title when she so utterly betrayed even herself?]

I killed the man I loved when he needed me most for the sake of attaining the Grail. [And Lancelot knows how that turned out. She had told him of Camelot's destruction, of how she'd been forced by the World to slaughter her own nation as they were consumed by the Grail's mud when they first met in this accursed Tower.

Those most worthy of love are seldom made Happy by it? All Arturia can think of is the fact she took a blameless boy's life regardless of whether she loved him or not. She did not even have the comfort that the boy would have thought his life worth losing with how that turned out.]

Edited 2013-09-25 19:29 (UTC)

[He can see Arthur's despair, but as if from a great distance. It should touch him, should move him, but it does so only in passing.
The only emotions left to Lancelot are phantoms of those he had in Life-- paths of the Heart he once trod, now tracks in a wasteland.

He cannot judge Arthur, certainly. At least-- not for the Crime she describes. When he speaks, his voice is low, as if trapped within his throat.]

I brought about the ruin of a Kingdom, of the Innocence of the World as it Was.
My Hands are Steeped in the Blood of those I knew and Loved and those I Hated, as well. All alike, in the end.

I cannot judge you. Not for such a Thing.
For one Life by your Sword? What is that to me? With what Bloody deeds that lie between us and History?

I suppose that is true.

[She deflates, feeling foolish and frustrated for being affected so. Yet she cannot help it. Everyone she tells what she has done to does not look at her like the monster she knows she is. Is this how Lancelot felt when all she could do is forgive him for his deeds?

The more they talk, the more she feels like she both does and does not understand him. It's a strange thing to realize, but one she knows she likely needs to.]

I was just as responsible for the ruin of our Kingdom. [Hell, when they first met here she'd told him of how her wish had poured the contents of the Grail upon it. Something that ended in her being forced to cut down every last man, woman, and child to keep it contained.]

[Our Kingdom. Our Kingdom.
Heartfelt confessions of fault are a thing he both does and does not desire from Arthur. While he lived, he longed for naught but judgement and justice-- but now, what he longs for is harder to say. He is not the man he was. Some part of him is ever Far from home, still Wandering in the Wilderness, blind and Mad and full of Wrath.

Else he would not be Berserker.

He regards her gravely and evenly, this being who is and is not his King.]

Were you?
Perhaps the way there between us is too trampled to track the signs, and too grown over to read them aright.

What has been done is Done, Arthur. For Good or Ill.
Do not do the Work of this Place. Guard yourself against these onslaughts.
In the End, you are as you are-- King.

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ITP: Shadow Children

C: Outside the Mailroom (apologies: out of town/family funeral)

S'okay!

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