Book Girl and...

[tohko_amano]

Characters: Tohko Amano and you!
Setting: The mailroom on Monday, the libraries on Tuesday, your choice of floor for Wednesday and Thursday, and the third floor library on Friday.
Format: I'm starting in prose, but I'll match you.
Summary: Catch-all log for Tohko during the Individuation event.
Warnings: A very depressed book girl, vomiting if one chooses to accept the first prompt, and death on Friday.

Tohko really hadn't enjoyed the experience of waking up to four ghosts, since they scared her out of her wits..but she had remembered the children they saw in the Administrative floor, so she had managed to keep herself from screaming by biting her lip and trying to calm down, speaking to them, even though she was white a sheet.

"Um..are you the children we saw downstairs? Arisa? Cyrus?" While they didn't reply, they just kept on smiling at her, which unnerved her so much that she didn't speak to them again as she got read for the day and went down to check her mailbox. She didn't like the fact that they were following her..but she hoped that if she ignored them, they would eventually disappear, even for a short while. However, what she found in her mailbox wasn't scary..but enraging. Someone had stuffed it all full of books..but had blotted out the contents with ink, so that she couldn't read any of them. As she looked through them, she kept glaring at the hidden words and yelled.

"This is horrible! It's a desecration of the literary world and an insult to whoever wrote the books! Honestly it's impossible to e-erm, feel all the emotions they have and understand them when they're like this! It's insulting!"

However, Tohko also held one strict rule about books: no matter what sort of book or story she got, even if it tasted bad, she would rip it up and devour it. So, after she finished her tirade, she started ripping up the pages of the first book and eating them when no one was looking. As she did so, her stomach twisted and flipped around, and she had to take deep breaths to even finish one volume. When she did so, she had to cover her mouth so that the contents wouldn't immediately come bursting out again before she started running to the bathroom. There was no way she would be able to make it though, and pretty shortly afterwards, she would be vomiting on the stairs, clenching her stomach in pain while her shadows just watched, smiling.

Today, as usual, Tohko worked in the library, organizing, cleaning..and speaking to her family and friends. Apparently, the children's souls weren't the only ones that had gotten stuck here, and Tohko just kept on wearing a mask of a smile, trying her best to not break down as she worked and spoke with her family and friends. For once, Ivan's presence didn't even bother her. Not that it had yesterday either.

"You know, you should really cut off your braids. You're not a book girl. You're just a weird goblin that lived while we died." "She's right you know-you are a goblin, and it's your fault that my life went to bits and pieces anyway. You really should have died."

Tohko sighed at Konoha's and her Mother's words, but she kept on smiling as she spoke. "Mom, you know I'm not a goblin, and if I were to cut those away, I'd lose an important memory of you. And..I'm sorry, Konoha. I don't know exactly what happened, but I didn't mean to hurt you. Really, I' so sorry..if you want, we could save you by putting you in artificial bodies when when we find them and learn how..but why you hate me, Mom?"

"That's simple." Tohko looked at the shadow that was her Father as he spoke. "Because we lied to you. We wore a very well-built mask and kept you alive because it would be illegal for us to kill you. After all, we did want to keep ourselves alive." "Masks, huh? Tohko, didn't you say that I should keep living for a better end? Is this the end you wanted me to have?" Tohko..wasn't expecting Chia to cut in, but her smile finally fell as she sighed and shook her head.

"No..it wasn't, Chia."

On Wednesday and Thursday, Tohko would be wandering around the Tower, speaking with her family and friends and trying to help out anyone she saw that was having problems with theirs. This was horribly painful, and emotionally draining..but she couldn't let that stop her now.

At least, that was what she kept telling herself two days ago. On Friday, Tohko was just drained when she started her library duties, and the constant comments from her parents and her friends didn't make her feel any better. Hoping to take a break, she sat down at a table with a copy of Strait Is the Gate, but, for once, her mind couldn't focus on the book, so she put it aside and tried to fall asleep as her father and Konoha spoke to her.

"If we hadn't given birth to a goblin, we might have been able to pass through that narrow gate alone! It's all your fault!" "I don't know about a gate..but you destroyed everything I loved and knew! Why did you want me to write stories, Tohko?!"

At that, she sighed as she closed her eyes and spoke. "..I'm sorry. I just wanted to read your warm words. They were like Manna, you know.."

Comments

[tohko_amano]

Oh, Tohko would admit to close friends that she had messed up back home and would have to fix things when she got there. The problem was..other than telling these ghosts that there was a chance she could put them into artificial bodies, like the one she had, she couldn't think of much else to do to dispel their concerns..and hearing what might have been her parents true feelings about her hurt.

At Rick's words and smile, Tohko sighed..but kept on smiling. However, before she could get a word in, the ghost of Konoha Inoue decided to speak up again.

"Help you? Shouldn't you guys be helping us?"

"Especially since goblins shouldn't exist at all. They're disgusting creatures that ruin everyone and everything. Just like you, Tohko." Her mother decided to jump in, but Tohko kept on smiling as she turned to them for a moment..even if that smile was a mask of one.

"I can't really help you until I manage to give you a body, Konoha. And Mom..that's not true. You of all people should know that."

She then turned back to Rick and spoke. "I saved a girl named Chia Takeda from killing herself because there was still hope that a day might come when she could actually feel and understand the emotions of others. However, she's now become a ghost.

I helped a boy named Konoha Inoue publish a book, but it messed up his life in some way, even though I don't know how..and even though he didn't know about how I helped him back home, I guess he figured out by hearing me speak in this place. I manipulated him into joining my book club and writing snacks for me in the hopes that his love for literature would come back someday. You can see what's become of him.

And my mother and father were the first two people to really understand me and not judge..but it seems that I might have made a mistake in my judgement. They say they've been wearing masks, Rick. Does that help?"

[bashfulshifter]

Rick listened intently, knitting his eyebrows and scratching his chin. Her conflicts weren't terribly cryptic, save for some of the details that she either didn't know or pointedly left out (writing snacks, no judgement...what was she talking about? Why would anyone have reason to judge her unfairly?), and based on her prior one-sided arguments with her shadows, she knew that they were lying to her. Even so...

"...Yes," Rick nodded, taking a moment to collect his thoughts into something concise. When he replied his voice was soft, eyes warm. He reached out his hands to hold her shoulders. "Y-You've d-done everything y-you c-can to h-help your f-friends, a-and you're s-still w-working to help them n-now. There's n-nothing to be a-a-ashamed of a-about that--and you know w-we'll s-save them. We w-will make them b-better."

A fact, in Rick's mind.

"You h-haven't m-made any m-mistakes...y-you know b-better than a-anyone that y-your own p-parents l-love you, u-unconditionally--a-a-and your friends, a-as well. The T-Tower's...w-warped them, t-to m-mess with w-what you're a-afraid of m-most." His face fell. "T-Trust me...I know."

[tohko_amano]

Except for the fact that it was normal for Konoha to insult her and call her a goblin back home, so she didn't know that they were all lying to her. Chia Takeda didn't have any reason to lie to her, and the others..she was doubtful on whether or not they were actually lying.

However, when Rick put his hands on her shoulders and spoke, Tohko sighed, but kept up her mask of a smile. Even though the ghosts were making it rather hard for her to do so.

"I am working towards saving them, and everyone else. I'm not ashamed of that fact, but..I don't know for certain that I'll be able to help them afterwards, Rick. After all, even though a day may come when she might feel something, Chia just wears a kind, cute mask and can't like anything or anyone. Konoha might improve too, but there can be no denying that I manipulated him. I don't know if he'll forgive me or not when we get home. And while I loved my parents dearly, I have no idea what they truly thought or felt about me. Maybe they were wearing a mask too."

"Of course we were. No one could handle a gluttonous goblin like you." Tohko did her best to ignore her father as she spoke to Rick. It was hard though. "However..how do you know what the Tower might have done to them?"

[bashfulshifter]

Rick smiled and shook his head, calmly insistent. "Tohko, you are...a-an e-e-exceptionally thoughtful p-person, a-and I'm s-sure your f-friends r-r-recognize this. I-I mean...why w-would C-Chia be f-following y-you r-right now if she d-didn't f-feel s-something for you? And you m-m-manipulated K-Konoha...i-into what, j-joining a b-book club?" He chuckled lightly. "I-If he e-enjoys the c-club, a-a-and he knows that y-you're only t-trying to help...why w-wouldn't he u-understand?

"Y-Your p-parents...p-part of what it m-means to b-be a parent is t-to l-love, u-u-unconditionally. D-Don't w-worry about them."

For the moment, he let Tohko's question remain unanswered. He'd talked enough to make himself breathless--and he definitely didn't want to burden her with last week's drama when she had enough of her own to deal with.

[tohko_amano]

Not that Tohko would have minded hearing about last weeks drama. She was usually much better at dealing with other people's conflicts and worries than her own, since she had a bad habit of pushing aside her huge worries until they came up and couldn't be ignored or hidden anymore.

However, Tohko's smile actually fell as she spoke. It seemed..that Rick wasn't getting it. "Chia might be following me and speaking in order to try and make herself feel guilty or sad. After all, friends aren't supposed to treat each other like this without feeling sad, but..she can't feel it or empathize with me, so she keeps trying.

And since Konoha didn't know that I was the one who pushed for his novel to be published-the one that hurt his life so badly that he didn't want to write again-he wouldn't know how I was trying to help. And he didn't want to join at first, but I pushed him into it so that he just got used to it and came on his own each day. I made him join because I wanted him to write another novel.

And not all parents love their children unconditionally. There are a lot of bad parents in the world, as well as good..and it's hard not to worry." Especially when you had dreams of your parents stoning you to death because you ate books.

"And you haven't answered my question. How might you know about what the Tower has done with them?"

[bashfulshifter]

Rick considered refuting her points--she had enough of them that he had the time to think over each as they were said, and come up with what he thought were reasonable counterarguments. He opened his mouth to reply...and she restated her previous question.

The blonde man paused, smile turning into an anxious, embarrassed frown.

"...I-I, um...I've s-s-seen the s-soul of a m-monster f-from here. They...l-look l-like m-monsters, b-but they...a-aren't. I d-don't know, r-really..." He scratched his head and seemed very uncomfortable. "...b-but it knew t-things a-about p-people that--that i-it sh--shouldn't. Their...p-pasts, f-fears..."

[tohko_amano]

Well..that was interesting information, and Tohko thought over it for awhile, trying to piece it together before speaking again.

"Rick..maybe the monsters aren't actually monsters at all. Maybe..they're odd forms of vengeful spirits that melted together, just like the Phantoms you hear about on the network. That's just my guess, at the very least..but how were you able to look at the monsters soul?"

"Stop trying to play detective, Tohko. You're just going to mess with this guy and hurt him too." While the ghost of Konoha Inoue spoke, Tohko ignored him for the moment. This was too important to ignore in favor of an argument with a ghost.

[bashfulshifter]

"I-I...I d-d-don't, a-ah..."

Rick's posture gradually shrunk, shoulders slumping inward, arms wrapping around his chest as he tried to draw himself away from the unpleasant memories of his possession. This obviously did not work, but at least it sent the outward sign that this topic was causing him exceptional discomfort.

"...M-My, u-um, p-p-powers. I c-c-can...w-well i-it's..."

He took a deep breath and frowned at the floor.

"...i-it was a b-bad idea..."

[tohko_amano]

As Rick shrunk in on himself and tried to give himself a hug, Tohko sighed and tried to put a hand on his shoulder. So..this was how he was capable of shapeshifting.

"I see..so you can shapeshift by making other souls join your own and bringing them out whenever you want them to come out. I'm not going to force you to talk about it if you don't want to..but whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. I imagine you were just trying to find out more about them by pulling them in."

Of course, the ghost of Konoha Inoue couldn't pass up a chance to bother Tohko.

"Are you sure you don't want to bother him, Tohko? After all, you are a glutton when it comes to snacks."

[bashfulshifter]

Still looking at the ground, Rick slowly nodded. As usual, he'd only been trying to help--Sephiroth seemed very animated about his plan, and if it was as successful as they'd hoped, who knew what else they could learn? But leave it to Rick to make everyone miserable as a result...

...Just like what you were doing to this poor girl earlier, huh? Trying to help and making her more miserable in the process? One of Rick's shadows sidled up behind him, quiet and unassuming. Now what do people keep telling you about helping others...oh, that's right--'You can't expect to help people if you can't help yourself.' Maybe you should take their advice.

Rick had to admit that the shadow was right.

He placed his hand on top of Tohko's and gave it a very slight squeeze and a sad smile. "...I'm...s-sorry. I--I'm such a h-h-hypocrite, I--y-you're t-trying not to m-make me u-u-uncomfortable, a-a-and I w-was the o-one p-prying. I should...s-sorry. I'll l-leave you alone."

Gently, he tried to remove Tohko's hand from his shoulder.

[tohko_amano]

As Rick nodded, Tohko actually gave a genuine smile, since, even if he had messed up, it was nice to meet a person that had tried to help, even if he had hurt himself and others as a result. His plan might have been foolish..but people in general were foolish, so it was nice that he tried at all.

However, when the shadow showed up and when Rick smiled and spoke again, Tohko's smile reverted to the mask she sometimes wore. Not that it was easy to tell. She would let Rick remove her hand, but she wouldn't stop speaking to him.

"You're not a hypocrite, and you weren't prying at all, Rick! If I didn't want to speak, I would have told you so, so you don't have to worry. You were just trying to make me feel better about the ghosts of my friends and family, that's all. You don't have to leave if you don't want to. After all, we're friends!"

[bashfulshifter]

Now that Rick had seen one of Tohko's real smiles, he was starting to pick up what was and wasn't a mask of an expression for her. She was only trying to make him feel better, he could tell...but that didn't change the fact that he wasn't helping. Still her shadows lingered, and yet here he was, moping about himself...this wouldn't do either of them any good.

He sighed, shuffling his feet. "...I'm glad that w-we c-can be f-f-friends...b-but friends d-d-don't d-doubt e-each other. Y-You are...a v-very c-capable girl, and it was w-w-wrong of me to a-assume that--th--that you c-couldn't h-handle yourself. I'll...I-I'll j-just...um..."

Rick scratched at the back of his head for a few moments, unable to think of a more graceful way to shoo himself off. Eventually he resigned himself to turning heel and walking back down the stairs.

[tohko_amano]

The mask had actually come up because Tohko was pained by the way Rick was trying to put himself down and run away from the situation when he had only been trying to help. It wasn't his fault that they both didn't see a good solution for the problems the ghosts had. Even if they couldn't be driven off, it was nice to try, and it was always good to have company here.

For better or worse, Tohko was not going to turn into a person that gave up on others overnight, so she tried to follow Rick as he started to walk back down the stairs, her shadows following her.

"But I don't doubt you. And I don't think you doubted me. After all, you just complimented me on my strength and kindness. You were just worried about me because we're friends. Because you don't want to see me get hurt. It's the same reason why I tried to help you with your ghosts. I don't think you were assuming I couldn't handle myself, and I like having company in the library! Or anywhere else!"