towerofanimus | 04 - Mourn the Blue Planet

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04 - Mourn the Blue Planet

Characters: Kain Highwind and anyone.
Setting: Throughout the Tower, and ending at Floor 99's crystal caverns.
Format: Prose to start, will follow with whichever.
Summary: The shadows weigh heavily upon Kain's already burdened soul. And the weight eventually becomes too much for him to bear.
Warnings: Angst. Lots and lots of angst, capped off with death on the 17th.

[August 12th to 16th, Around the Tower]

Kain's sense of duty and burning need to be useful was potent, and had carried him on past many a trial before. Injury and death could be suffered through and put behind him. The plainly-provoking statue he received in his mailbox could be set aside at the bottom of his trunk. (Not thrown away. Never thrown away. Such an image, of Cecil and of Rosa, was too precious to be rid of, painful as it was.) And no end of bad thoughts could be purged via sweat and effort.

But this round of shadowing demons were not nearly so easy to banish. As he did his regular patrols along the floors, keeping the path clear for those that needed to pass, they trailed him, and they whispered and grinned. He was wary at first, for they greatly resembled the skittering shadows that had been so desperate to scuttle up the elevator shaft. But they didn't hinder him. Not at first. And by the time that they did hinder him, they were no longer something so mysterious. They were familiar.

'The moons... the moons, they crumble in the skies...'

'How could you? How could you, how could you...'

'You? The last of us? A joke. What a joke...'

Early in the week, he might well be able to save an imperiled tower resident from harm at the hands of monsters. Towards the end of it, he'll likely be too unsteady and haunted to do a proper job of it. But he'll try, if it's called for. Damn those shadows and damn those voices. He'll prove them wrong.

[August 17th, Floor 99's caverns]

He had been growing ever more tired and weak, alarmingly so. Before now, a small part of him existed that demanded that he ought to try to do something. Read. Drink. Eat a proper meal. Go get checked at the clinic. But the last spark of effort had departed him. The shadows were thick around him, distinct forms now, a half-dozen of them lingering nearby.

It had taken Kain almost all of his energy to get himself out of bed and to the washrooms. A bit of water splashed on his face gave him a faint hope that perhaps today was worth facing.

'It's not. You can't keep up anymore. You never could keep up.'

"Enough."

He resolved, at least, to not spend the day in his room, staring at the walls. So he had started for the elevator, reached for the button, then stopped himself.

'Afraid? You doubt yourself, as always....'

He clenched his teeth, hissed, and started for the stairs instead. He made it down to the crystal caverns before his legs gave and his head dipped. He sat, back against a flat pane of shining crystal, and closed his eyes.

"Please... I beg of you, leave me be. Isn't this enough? Isn't this enough?! Hate me, hate me if you must, I'll take your hate..."

'I could never hate you, Kain. I pity you.' Cecil's voice. Mournful, quiet.

'I'll hate him! Should've cut your throat when I had the chance!' Edge's words, this time.

'Why, Kain, why did you do it, Kain?' And Rosa, weeping, ever weeping...

His collar has the barest tinge of orange to it now. Much more of this, and there will be no more of him.

(OOC: The original prompt remains, but has been invalidated due to the turn of the thread with Diarmuid.)

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[Diarmuid would be happy to know that Kain considers him a friend since he considers the dragoon the same. It is just with how things have gone between them--their messed up feelings about Cecil, the general trouble Kain has trusting others--Diarmuid was not sure if the other man considered him such or not.]

When the elevators blew Jason pretty much said something else was damaged. It must have been the barrier you speak of! Does that mean this isn't an experiment of Jason's? Or is he just trying to make us question each other?

[A puzzled look crosses Diarmuid's face as he moves to help Kain stand. He looks toward his own shadow silently agreeing with Kain's words that one is more than enough...especially when it is this one.]

You are right. Despite only having one shadow and spending time with my Master, I am wearied as well. I think how strongly you are connected to the shadows you have has a lot to do with how quickly they affect you. I may only have one, but he is the double of one with who I share the strongest of bonds.

[Diarmuid glares at his shadow as he starts to move with Kain toward the stairs on the floor. The shadow waves its arms at him in an over-dramatic and 'threatening' manner like a ghost in a child's movie might, but says nothing.

He is thankful for that.]

Lets get back to the dorms. We could both use the rest.

Perhaps they're an experiment of Jason's gone wrong. Perhaps they're their own matter. They're not caged, they seemed to be running free. That seems strangely... unacademic, to leave monsters running free.

[He remembered, sharply and vividly, the lucidity that he experienced while apparently tending to monster cages. Remembered Jason stitching himself back together. All the arms... He grimaces, closes his eyes tightly, then shakes his head hard and opens them again.]

Should I be honored, that those I knew think so much of me that I have so many following me about...?

[He looked paler and sicker, suddenly. They were all terrible, all of them, all of the accusations... but he couldn't decide which was worse, Rosa's weeping or Cecil's mournful disappointment. His shadows shift and circle about the pair, one miming hand-wringing, another tears, another anger.]

Yes. It's late. Too late for tired fools to be roaming about.

[Diarmuid nods, his arm tightening around Kain to keep him steady as they continue to move away from their shadows and toward the stairs. He knows what he would like to say, but he's not sure how to say it since he knows so little of the details that surround what Kain has been through and the last thing he wants to do is upset the man further when he is already feeling so stressed. Still, staying quiet will help with nothing.]

You should be honored. Such bonds are what make life worth living and can get you through hard times when nothing else will. It is disgusting that they are twisting such important bonds in such a way. They belong to us. They are things we have fought and sacrificed for. No one but us has the right to touch them.

[There is an undercurrent of anger in Diarmuid's words that grows stronger as he speaks. It is obvious he feels very deeply about this. In fact, he pauses to attempt to angrily wave away Kain's shadows. Normally, he would ask the person he was with if they would mind him carrying them for a short time so that he can outrun the shadows, but somehow he doesn't think Kain will react well to that suggestion.]

I know I should not expect this place to respect anything about us, but some things are sacred and should not be tampered with!

[If he were anywhere less exhausted, Kain would not have accepted Diarmuid's support. As it stood, he relented. And half-convinced himself, the longer they walked, that he was also supporting him, and that was far more dignified and honorable.

He was also pretty sure that he was hallucinating a little...]

I do not deserve such honoring. When they say that this is somehow all my fault, I cannot help but wonder...

[Stairs. There were stairs. His posture sagged briefly, but he couldn't let himself rest. Couldn't let himself be relieved just yet. They both had a ways to go.]

You are a better man than I. Your bonds should not be toyed with. You deserve better than this...

[...yeah, he was losing it, a little.]

There is no better or worse in something like this. No one deserves to have something so important to them toyed with in such a manner.

[Diarmuid looks at the stairs for a moment, thinking, before speaking again.]

Just a few floors of stairs, then we will arrive at one where there is access to the elevator. That will take us the rest of the way. After that impressive fight, you will not let a few stairs best you now will you?

[It's a challenge and one he hopes might distract Kain from his exhaustion for at least a short while.]

These things say exactly what we need to hear to wonder and when alone it is easy to let yourself believe those things they say, but they are lies. We are all fighting to fix our worlds. We have left none behind. We are not failures.

[He shuts his eyes a moment because he is tired even if he is trying to be strong for Kain, and for a moment he hears echoes of his own shadow even though that particular one seems to have given up on following them for now.]

I know it is hard, but you have to stop yourself from just falling into what they say and really think. Your own fears aside, would Cecil really say that to you?

[Because he is positive one of Kain's shadows must be his version of Cecil.]

Would your other friends and allies really wish to hurt you so badly? And would they really just use words to do it?

[A noise escapes him, but he stops himself from trying to correct Diarmuid. Surely there were those that deserved such punishment. Surely he was one of them.

The talk of stairs put steel back into his spine. It was not so much that it was a challenge, it was that Diarmuid seemed to imply that he could not do it. Such a thing was a powerful motivator.]

The stairs will not best me.

[And so they would climb, step by step by step, leaning on each other... all the while, Kain biting back words and hesitating on corrections. No matter how much the man was trying to soothe his mind, it was only aggravating the issue.

Until there was talk of Cecil. He finished a step, hesitated a moment, and looked pointedly back at his own herd of now-distant shadows.]

...Cecil is entitled to say them, if anyone.

[And burning with the desire to leave them behind him, he resumed his climb.]

A sinner deserves condemnation. I've sinned. They've the right to say such things.

[Diarmuid smiles to himself when his challenge to Kain has the intended effect. However, as the dragoon speaks, his smile fades. Guilt is something he is all too familiar with. Blaming himself. Hating himself. While it might not have looked like it on the outside, there were times he had felt those things about himself in the past...and now.

That doesn't make Kain's pain and guilt any easier to deal with, though, because these kinds of things are so personal, and Diarmuid knows so little about the details of Kain's past. How can he claim to understand when he knows so little?

The answer is, he can't, but maybe it's time to try and change that some.]

Perhaps they do, then. We all makes mistakes and we spend our lives trying to fix those mistakes. Will you tell me of yours as we climb? Afterward, if you wish, I will tell you of my own.

[An invitation to confess? With the promise of explanations from this too-perfect man? Had he felt any better, again, he would have refused. But his resolve was weak. He ached, soul-deep.

He lets out a long breath, steps ceasing for a moment, but then he continues up the stairs. And he speaks quietly.]

I was envious. There was... a girl. Rosa. Cecil and I, we both sought her affections. She chose him. I said that I could accept it, put on the face of acceptance, for should I not be happy for my best friend? My heart knew the truth. My heart was full of envy. It was used against me.

[His head dipped, his energy flagging, but his progress up the stairs never ceased.]

Cecil and I were sent on a mission together. To deliver a package to the village of Mist, home to summoners. The package was a trap. It set the village aflame, it killed many. We swore to oppose Baron from there on out, we attempted to save a young girl, but she summoned an enormous monster to defend herself. It made the earth shake. It collapsed the mountains upon us. I... I awoke, battered and in pain, with a man in dark armor looming over me.

[One foot in front of the other, one step at a time... he's certain that there's an elevator close, which helps drive him onwards. He's uncertain as to how much more of this he can take.]

His name was Golbez. He found the dark corners of my heart, the doubts, the jealousy... and used me as a weapon against Cecil. Against the world. I did unspeakable things at his command. Even when I thought I was free, when I thought I had returned to myself, he reclaimed my will with nothing more than a... an idle command.

[He stopped, swallowing hard. A quiver had been building in his voice, and he knew it, and did not want to show Diarmuid that this still weighed upon him so heavily.]

[What does one say to that? 'I'm sorry' is nowhere near enough. In fact, it is an insult in many cases and this is one of them because it suggests that Diarmuid understands how Kain must feel when in reality he cannot. He can makes guesses, but guesses are just as often wrong as they are right.

It explains so much. Why Kain has always been so uneasy around him. Why the dragoon was always so leery of his relationship with Cecil. Diarmuid had assumed it was because Kain was jealous and perhaps he was, but for a completely different reason than Diarmuid had expected.

Where does he even start to acknowledge what he has been told? To explain how, even if he cannot say he knows how Kain feels, he doesn't hold his past actions again him? After all, he had not held Fionn's betrayal against him either. He had not faulted the man for his pain and anger. Such strong emotions do not listen to logic. They only listen to their own pain.

Perhaps, though, it doesn't matter if Diarmuid can explain or not. After all, it is not forgiveness from him that Kain needs. It's forgiveness from himself.]

Jealousy, envy, love. They are such strong emotions. So deeply a part of us that they can far too easily take control of us even when we know what they want us to do is wrong. It is why I did not blame my lord for letting me die. Of course I wished to live, but he was angry. He felt betrayed and hurt. Had he not felt those things, he would never have done what he did. It is why I do not blame him for not saving my life.

[Diarmuid gives Kain a solemn look.]

And that is why you cannot keep blaming yourself.

Cecil forgive you. You must forgive yourself for you will never be able to control those emotions if you do not. It is a long process. It sounds so simple when I say it, but it is not. It is far from that, but if you wish to never repeat what has happened, then you must commit yourself as many times as needed to gaining true control of those emotions. Only then will men such as Golbez not be able to take advantage of you again.

[Diarmuid has shown his own hand, given a glimpse into his own tragedy, and Kain feels no sense of revelation. No sudden burst of comprehension. Here he was, forgiving something unforgivable. Harbouring no hate, when one would be well entitled to it. The look he gives in response to Diarmuid's solemn one is one of incomprehension and exhaustion.]

Betrayal begets betrayal... and what was it you betrayed him for?

[Moments after he asked the question, the answer came to him. Love. It was out of love. Over a woman. That had to be it. What he had said when learning of Cecil's departure from the tower... it surely tied into this. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and turned away.]

No... what does it matter... The forgiveness of others means nothing, if I am still weak, if I can still be used, if I still feel such hate... We are not all like you, Diarmuid, able to shrug off such pain so easily...!

[Diarmuid cannot help it. Though he knows he should not, he laughs at Kain's response, the sound harsh and bitter instead of happy in any way.]

Do you truly think me so perfect that I can 'shrug off' pain easily? I am far, far from perfect, Kain.

[He shakes his head, looking up at the stairs they are climbing blankly.]

In fact, I have become much less so since coming here. I hate. I feel rage. I fear and I cannot control any of those emotions. No matter how I try, I don't know how to control them.

[There is frustration in his voice making it tight and tense.]

I was cursed as a young man. All women who saw my face fell in love with me. However, unlike many others in my shoes might have, I never took advantage of those who fell under my curse's sway. I did my best to help them through it, in fact, but some women will not take no for an answer.

The night before my lord was to marry his new wife, she fell for me and forced me to run away with her. Though I refused at first, in the end I had no choice but to leave with her. She had drugged my lord and a great many of the guests at the celebration and if I did not go with her, she said they would never awaken from their sleep. I was forced to choose between betraying my lord or causing his death. It was really no choice at all in the end. I chose to save his life and in doing so ended my own though the end would not come until many years later when he allowed me to bleed to death after I was injured during a hunt. He said he forgave me, you see, but in the end his emotions won out over his wish to forgive...

[Diarmuid pauses here for several moments before adding in a much softer voice.]

To this day, I do not know which betrayal was greater. My own or his. I truly believed he had forgiven me. That he finally understood why I did what I did. I suppose I was a fool.

[There's a tension in Kain's body now, a kind of discomfort as he still tries to climb. There's ground to cover, even if they're both revealing so much. The rest of Diarmuid's story painted a clearer picture, a sadder one... as much as he tried to feel sympathy, to feel sad for him, it wasn't coming. Resentment still festered. He was a man ill-done by, blameless, given poor choices and no recourse.]

~Only you would hear such a story and still feel such hatred, Kain. That envy will be the end of you. It was the end of us...~

[Hadn't he left those shadows behind? But no, they were still trailing behind them on the stairs. And those words were like a blow. Worse, in that his already pale collar went even whiter. Kain's steps faltered. Without Diarmuid's support, he'd fall to his knees.]

...let yourself be angry! You rage because you have reason to rage! You... [He swallows hard, tries to press a hand against the floor, tries to push himself to rise.] ...so perfect it's a flaw. That's... you can't understand. I can't...

[Maybe he had seemed delirious before, maybe not. But he certainly was now.]

Kain!

[Diarmuid had been about to argue. To try and find another way to make the dragoon understand just how imperfect he is and how wrong it is that he feels the anger that he does, but all thoughts of that are driven away when Kain collapses. Diarmuid goes to his knees besides the other man, his eyes narrowing as he looks toward the staircase and sees that even though they have been quiet, the shadows are still following them.

At least, Kain's are. Despite looking, Diarmuid doesn't see his shadow among them. What does that mean?

He ponders that for only a second before shaking his head and turning his focus back to Kain.]

We can discuss this later. There is so much more than that to speak of. For now, we have to get you away from them. Please, I know that it is embarrassing, but let me carry you for a few floors. I can easily out run them and it will let us get you away from them so you can rest and recover.

You'll do no such... hnngh...!

[He grunts, he struggles, he tries to stand on his own power, and makes some progress, managing to rise but not stabilize himself. He couldn't bear to rely on Diarmuid any more than this. Not to be carried. Never that.]

'Bitter until the very end, you are.'

[And then he gasps sharply and goes limp, the last of the color in his collar beginning to fade away. With what little strength he has left, he lifts his head to regard the shadow that suddenly awaits them further up the stairs. It's huge, broad-shouldered and looming. At least to Kain, anyway.]

'What use was all of Cecil's forgiveness, if this is all that remains of us?'

"You..."

'If you were once useful, you're nothing of the sort now.'

"Golbez...!"

[There's an incredible anger that strangled shout, and Kain reaches forward as though to violently grasp at the shadow. Maybe that consumed the last of his strength. But whatever the cause, his voice broke, a long breath left him, and Kain collapsed entirely.]

Golbez?

[Diarmuid turns, startled, in the direction of Kain's shout. He expects to see someone there and is preparing to fight even as he turns. Somehow, though, seeing that it is only another shadow makes him even madder than if it had been a real person.

Without thinking about what he's doing, Diarmuid's spear leaves his hand, aimed at the shadow Kain had named 'Golbez.' At the same time, he moves to wave back the others that have come up behind them. Not that he can actually hurt any of them, but if he can get them to back off even a little that may gain them some time.

Of course, when he looks back to Kain and sees how weak the man is and how faded his collar is, he can't help but think that it might already be too late...]

Kain! Stay with me!

[Diarmuid kneels by the dragoon's side, preparing to pull him into his arms despite the man's previous refusal. Diarmuid might not be sure if he can save Kain at this point, but he is going to try.

Let the man be angry with him. Diarmuid will take the anger as long as Kain is alive.]

[A shadow is just a shadow, and weapons can do nothing. But Diarmuid's lashing out seems to be having a repelling effect, anyway. The new connection weakens the old. And a connection is there, even if Kain refuses to see it or admit it.

He vocalizes something faintly when Diarmuid pulls at him, but does not move. To move seems utterly impossible. His limbs won't react. He can barely muster the strength to open his eyes. To give in seems to be the only option. But there's still that blasted Diarmuid calling out for him...]

W'ld you... just...

[Diarmuid will be able to pick the dragoon up without resistance. And even carry him without issue. But while it's at first because Kain hasn't the strength to do a thing, it quickly becomes that he's not breathing. And that there's no pulse. And that there's no color left in his collar. Kain Highwind has, sadly, succumbed.]

[Diarmuid is all too acutely aware of the moment that Kain loses his battle. He has seen and dealt too much death himself to not know its presence. Still, his footsteps do not slow and he doesn't deviate from his path. Even carrying Kain's body, it only takes him a short time to make it to the dorms and find Kain's room.

Despite the fact that the body is only a body, Diarmuid will not allow anything to happen to it. Where better to leave it until the retrieval units come for it than the safety of the dragoon's room? Besides, it seems fitting to end things here. It had been where they had been trying to get to.

Carefully, and with the respect Diarmuid would give any fallen warrior, he places Kain's body onto the bed. As he does, he whispers softly.]

I'm sorry.

[Once done, he bows to Kain's body and turns to stand solemn guard until the units come. His remains alone in his task for several minutes until a lone shadow slips its way into the room and stands next to him.]

Failed again, did you? I'm not surprised. It's what you do best.

[Diarmuid doesn't look at his shadow. Right now, he has no will to fight it. He knows he has failed. Not only Kain, but Cecil as well.]

I'm sorry...

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04 - Mourn the Blue Planet

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Another delay, but I wanted to be sure to do this post properly!

No worries! :-)

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And FINALLY I come back to this....

:-D

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