three.

[sicharia]

Characters: [AU9] Claudia Hortensia & OPEN
Setting: Floor 101; Floor 50
Format: Brackets preferred
Summary: Claudia looks at pictures of her family, prays, and cries! But mostly cries.
Warnings: Prrrobably lots of self-hate in this post.

I. Floor 101
[It might be better to do this somewhere more private. Then again, someone else might say it would be better not to do this at all—it's like a form of self-flagellation, if not a physical one, with Claudia purposefully hurting herself because she deserves to be punished. The atmosphere of the hanging garden attracts her, though, and, at least in her own mind, this is something she needs to do.]

[It's not as though this is the first time she has looked at the photo album that came with her inside her trunk, and it's not as though it has never made her feel melancholy before. This is, however, the first time she has been able to bring herself to touch it since the appearance of those shadows. There are photos of Kirei, and her wedding, and her daughter, and her family and Risei—and now looking at them hurts so much she cries until she can't see.]

[So, late in the morning, this is where she'll be, her head bowed as she tries not to sob out loud.]

II. Floor 50
[Claudia still refuses to visit the cathedral floor, so this is where she has taken to praying. The brightness of the floor, between the windows and the overhead lights, helps to clear her head, so while it could perhaps be a little more comfortable, it does well enough. She can be found here, kneeling by one of the windows with her hands clasped in prayer, in the afternoon and into the evening, apparently without regard to the time of day despite lacking the ability to defend herself.]

Comments

[vermicompost]

Of course.

[He insists, earnestly, with a nod. She's one of the most important people to him.]

Yes, I'm--

[He's not sure how to express it. He feels ashamed of himself, and at the same time, uncertain; he's not quite sure what is real and what isn't. But he thinks this is real, even if it's also an illusion...

...the Tower makes everything more confusing.]

I'm better. I think.

[sicharia]

[He insists, and she swallows, her breath hitching in a tiny half-sob. Abruptly, she shifts closer to him, the album sliding off her lap as she moves. She wants to cling to him, but she's cautious when she puts her arms around him.]

I just—I care about you so much. [She feels like an idiot no matter what she says, so she just says it.] I'm fine as long as you are.

[vermicompost]

Then we're both fine. I care about you, too.

[He leans into her touch as her arms come around him. He glances at the photo album as it moves, curious, but he doesn't ask about it yet.]

I'm sorry if I--upset you. I wasn't myself.

[He's still not sure if he is. His memories are confused and confusing. He hopes that he didn't make her angry, but she doesn't seem angry.]

[sicharia]

[When he leans into the gesture, she holds on more firmly. She has to bite her lip again; she really doesn't want to break down in front of him, again, even if a part of her wants to press her face against his shoulder and sob.]

Oh, I— [Well, it's not as though she can say nothing about that upset her, but even so.] You don't need to apologize. It— It wasn't your fault.

[vermicompost]

No, it was my fault. It was completely my fault.

[The Tower hadn't made that happen to him. It hadn't changed other people's memories. He had done that to himself. He looks down, still resting against her, unwilling to give up their contact.]

I just--I'm very weak. And selfish. I'm not really a good person... I'm sorry.

[sicharia]

[She laughs, but the noise is decidedly unhappy. When she leans back to look at him, she does so without breaking contact completely.]

You're not any worse than I am, Kariya. [There isn't much force behind her words, but they're firm.]

[vermicompost]

You aren't bad at all, Claudia. You've always been kind, and good to me. I don't know why you're so hard on yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.

[sicharia]

I could say the same to you, couldn't I? [She could tell him all the ways she had been selfish and weak, and all the reasons why she doesn't deserve to have anyone care for her. She very nearly does. Instead, though, she tells him:] So, I don't want to hear you saying that about yourself anymore. I won't say it about me, either. Because, if I did, that'd be an insult to you, too—right?

[vermicompost]

But I-- It's different, for me.

[He pauses. He'd made nothing but mistakes. He'd made life miserable for everyone he'd cared about. He'd failed them all. It's hard for him to live with himself.

But--if Claudia wants him not to say it...]

All right. If you say so. Then I won't.

[sicharia]

Good. Thank you.

[She really does sound relieved when he agrees, and on impulse, she leans in and kisses him, one of her hands touching his hair as she does so.]

Because I don't think it's different. You've always been good to me, and you've been strong enough to protect me, haven't you?

[vermicompost]

You're welcome.

[He'd do almost anything for her. He would blush when he kisses her, but he's rather bloodless, so he blushes rarely. Instead, he smiles and kisses her back, moving into the touch on his head.]

I've tried. I always want to protect you, to be good to you. But--I probably should have told you things that I... didn't.

[sicharia]

[Her lips purse together slightly as she considers her response.]

Do you want to tell me now?

[She stays close to him even as she asks, her fingers idly brushing the ends of his hair. She doesn't want to break contact, either.]

[vermicompost]

I don't know if I want to talk about it, but maybe I should.

[He answers honestly, sighing out softly as she continues to touch him.]

Do you want me to? Tell you?

[sicharia]

[She hums faintly.]

If it's something you feel like I should hear, then yes, I want to hear it. I won't tell you to say anything you aren't ready to, though.

[She'll wait for him until he's ready, if necessary.]

[vermicompost]

I--

[He breaks off. He has trouble continuing and wrestles with himself for a few minutes, aware that the silence must be stretching out far too long.]

I've been in love with Aoi since I was a child. That's all.

[Maybe that isn't all, but he feels awkward and embarrassed and sad, and he doesn't know what else to say about it.]

[sicharia]

[As he struggles, she pulls away—but not far, seated near enough the her knee touches his leg. The longer it takes him to speak, the more nervous she feels, and she has just opened her mouth to tell him that he doesn't need to say anything when he finally explains.]

Oh.

[For a second, she doesn't feel anything at all. There's some surprise, her eye widening slightly, but that's all. It's only once that statement has sunk in that she looks away from him, down toward her lap.]

[She remembers him calling her Aoi while he was—unwell, and saying that he loves her, and suddenly she feels intensely uncomfortable. It isn't a jealous feeling so much as a sad, frustrated one, and her brow furrows.]

[She isn't upset with him, of course. This is obviously just more proof of her own inadequacy, so she can't be angry with anyone but herself.]

[It's only after she has stayed quiet for longer than comfortable that she tells him:]

All right.

[She doesn't know what else to say about it, either.]

[vermicompost]

[She doesn't seem angry, but he isn't sure what to make of her reaction. Maybe she thinks he's pathetic. He feels pathetic sometimes, in love with his best friend for so many years.]

We're only friends! She doesn't feel that way about me. Of course not. I wanted her to be happy, even if...

...it didn't turn out well. [He doesn't like to think about it. About what happened to Sakura. It'll only make him upset, which will only make him ill.]

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I don't mean to. I try. [Maybe he hadn't really tried before coming to the Tower, but he has been making an effort, especially for Claudia. Probably he'll never stop loving Aoi, but it can change. He can love her in a different way.] It's not that I can't care about someone else, too.

[sicharia]

It— [She starts to say that it doesn't matter, but she supposes that isn't really true.] It's fine, Kariya. I can't tell you how to feel about someone else.

[She doesn't look up again, eyes idly falling onto her photo album again. The thought of taking it and leaving occurs to her, the impulse to flee having returned, but she doesn't. Instead, she simply gathers it back into her lap.]

[She feels like she should say something else, but she isn't sure what, so she just looks back to him again without saying anything at all.]

[vermicompost]

That's not what I mean...

[It's hard to express what he means. He's not quite sure if he knows, himself.]

It might be better for me not to feel that way, but I don't know if I can stop. Is it right to stop loving someone? I learned while I was here that I could care for someone else, but I think--

--I think you can love two people at the same time, can't you?

Because love is the best thing people have. It's the most important thing.

[sicharia]

[She looks down again, fidgeting as she listens. Eventually, she says:]

I don't know. I've never...

[Well. Kirei is dead. That isn't the same.]

[She could say what she thinks. People can love a lot of people, but she doesn't know if it's right to love more than one person romantically at the same time. People stop loving other people for a lot of reasons, and most of them probably aren't either wrong or right. But, in the end, she just repeats:] I don't know.

[vermicompost]

Oh. Of course not. [Claudia's stronger than he is. He knows that. She's a better person, as far as he's concerned. But he said that he wouldn't say things like that.]

I hope you're not angry with me. I meant to tell you, but I wasn't sure how.

I know that we won't ever-- It would be better for everyone if I stopped feeling that way. Things are different now, so maybe I will, but it's hard.

[sicharia]

Oh, no, I'm not angry with you! Of course not.

[She looks up again, and she smiles, even though she feels a little strained. The motion might be a little shy, but she leans against his side again, lightly.]

...I guess I don't like it, [—she admits that quietly—] but I'm not upset with anyone. There's no one to be upset with. [She means to say something like, "You should do what you think feels right," but instead she blurts out:] I just want you to be happy.

[vermicompost]

Good. Good, I'm glad.

[He smiles in relief.]

I was a little worried. I didn't want to upset you.

It's not that I want to be with her, now. [He doesn't think so. He said he wanted a relationship with Claudia, and even if, somehow, Aoi was to want a relationship with him, he would want to stay true to Claudia.] I want to be with you. That was what I chose. I want you to be happy, too.

[sicharia]

...All right. [She sighs faintly, the sound toneless, as more of her weight leans against his side. Hearing him say that makes her glad, even if there's some part of her that insists she shouldn't be.] Thank you.

[One of her hands touches his, then.]

I don't know if this is the most comfortable place to be. Would you rather go back to your room?

[vermicompost]

[Kariya hesitates, then seems to decide something, leaning in close to touch his lips to hers. His heartbeat quickens. She's so beautiful. In spite of how he feels about Aoi, he feels lucky to be with Claudia. He squeezes her hand.]

You're right, it isn't. I'd like to go back, yes.