towerofanimus | ITP: Fallout

Entry tags:

ITP: Fallout

Characters: Saber Lily and you!
Setting: Floors 101, the cafeteria, and various.
Format: Prose to start. Will match the replies.
Summary: Arturia practices on Floor 101, tries to get lunch while avoiding bumping into "Shirou", and checks in with people she promised to check in with once her memory returned.
Warnings: None
Notes: Backdated to the 17th-20th, as I'd originally planned on adding event prompts, but they're turning out to be unnecessary.

[A: Floor 101; Hanging Gardens; Just chilling]
Arturia never really spent much time here before, but she figured now was as good a time to look through it as any other. While it was very beautiful, it never held much interest to her before. It was actually quite beautiful and if she stayed away from the edge she could almost imagine this was a normal floor.

For whatever amounted to normal in the Tower of Animus, at least.

Caliburn in hand, she swung it in a wide arc, going through the motions of old drills as she had done for hundreds of years. Now that her memory of her life was much clearer, that she'd had a period of time where she hadn't been on the verge of breaking, she felt almost invigorated. Being forced to remember as she had, while painful, had given her a new perspective on things. It still hurt, it still stung, and she still felt uncertain about the future, but there was a peace there she hadn't had before. A certainty that all she could do was move forward.

There were too many people who would be angry with her if she didn't at least try to use this period of freedom to her advantage. Now was the time to do so.

[B: Floor 1; Cafeteria; Lost]
It's strange how lost one can feel without their normal routine. For months, Arturia had gone downstairs to meet Shirou for lunch, then practiced for hours on end with him to help him improve with a sword. For months, she had enjoyed his cooking, spending time with him, getting to know him.

And now? Well, she avoids the kitchen lest it turn out that Avenger wearing Shirou's guise is there. Avoids their usual spots. She might have accepted the fact Shirou was no longer here and had never been here, but that made it no less painful, made her miss it no less. She avoided the usual places she and Shirou practiced in, avoided anywhere she could bump into Avenger disguised as Shirou for now. Part of her wondered if she should tell 'Shirou' the reason why or if it even mattered because it was not truly Shirou. That was a philosophical question she couldn't quite wrap her head around.

But avoiding the kitchen did not mean Arturia didn't need to eat. Not during a month when Riki gave them good food to eat and fine wine. The restaurant was out of the question as she did not want to risk what could be asked of her there, but she could wait until people usually were not eating and take her meal.

On this day she hadn't expected someone else to be in the kitchen and, to her embarrassment, she wound up nearly walking straight into them as they were exiting it.

"Ah, excuse me. I didn't mean to get into your way."

[C: Various; Meetings]
And then there were the people she promised to explain things to. People she sought out now that she knew the truth of Shirou and Avenger in order to tell them.

In a few cases, she would have to ask them why they kept certain things from her.

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[Not exactly a positive note, considering there was no preamble to his question. Saber looks up from the book she had been reading, about to ask him about his day when he asks her instead. She stares at him for a moment, surprised he would just ask that in such a public place, before she answers.]

The ones that confused me during that time, yes.

[To be honest, Diarmuid had planned on saying something more before jumping straight to the question, but the question had ended up popping out anyway. Maybe it is just because he's glad to see her looking less confused and more herself. He's not sure. In any event, he is glad that the lounge is currently empty so they can talk here with some amount of privacy, though if she would prefer to go somewhere else with less chance of people walking in, he won't mind.]

I'm sorry. That didn't quite come out as I had planned.

[Diarmuid sighs, running a hand through his hair.]

Your note said you had your memory back and you look better. How are you feeling?

Well, I suppose. [She marks her place in her book and shuts it, but keeps it in her lap to give her hands something to do in case the conversation makes her anxious.]

Better than I was.

[It was so stupid and yet she does find herself feeling better. A time away from the guilt, even if she'll never be able to bring herself to do it again, definitely helped her mindframe, at least. It made her more appreciative of what she has now, of the tenuous freedom she's been allowed that she would not get in her world.]

I apologize for worrying you and the others.

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

What you did, you did for a reason and it seems like it was successful in the end. If it's made you stronger, then it was worth any worrying on our parts. We all deal with the terrible things that this place throws at us in different ways, and you know yourself better than anyone else can. Besides, it's not like you did this without a plan. You very carefully set everything up so that you would be safe and taken care of.

[He still hasn't gotten the chance to meet the one who helped her, but Diarmuid knows that when he does, the first thing he will do is thank him for watching over Saber so well.]

[She gives him an uncomfortable look then lets her eyes drop to her lap as she speaks.]

Truth be told, I had been thinking about it for a few months now. I.... I just finally had a moment where it felt like the only option and went through it.

[Her uncomfortable look makes Diarmuid uneasy and his expression becomes concerned.]

What happened? To push you so far? To make you so very uncomfortable talking about it?

[It truth, her mood now reminds him of that night so many months about when she first told him of her past and that's not a good thing.]

Would it be better if I just let the topic drop? While I am curious, that does not give me the right to make you more uncomfortable than you already are...

It's all right. It is a matter that does concern you, after all.

[She sighs, but still does not look up at him.]

You saw me eat with Shirou, yes? But did you ever get a good look at his face?

[Despite her assurances, those downcast eyes make Diarmuid doubt the words. Still, it is her choice in the matter and he trusts her to know what she needs to say and when to stop. Had he not just said as much?]

I never looked too closely, no. I made a note of his general appearance--his hair, eyes, size, that kind of thing--and then filed it away to ask you about once I had the chance and other things were not more pressing at the time. Why do you ask?

In case you had noticed a resemblance to someone else you knew in this Tower connected to the Grail.

[Seriously. As surreal as it is, Avenger being an anti-Shirou in terms of personality does help. It's just a complete mindscrew he wears Shirou's face currently.]

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

I'm afraid I haven't noticed anyone who looks like him. Should I have?

[It doesn't help that every time he had seen Shirou in passing, the boy had been happy or relaxed. Avenger is neither either of those things around Diarmuid. In fact, seeing Avenger happy would probably send Diarmuid off on a search to find out just how many people the unpredictable servant had just killed...]

Because he was the last to touch the Grail in his world, Avenger now borrows Shirou's face.

[She looks up at him now, trying very hard to keep a straight face. Her voice is steel as she speaks.]

The entire last few months, the boy I was spending time with? Was Avenger. Only the disguise was so complete he is for all intents and purposes Shirou and unaware of himself.

What?

[The word is almost snarled, Diarmuid's dislike for Avenger clear in even just that one word. In fact, he starts to rise to his feet as if he intends to hunt Avenger down and finally make him pay for hurting his friends. It is only Saber's insistence that Avenger didn't know what he was doing that stops him.

And Diarmuid isn't sure he believes it.]

How do you know this? He does not often speak of himself. At least, not to me.

[She would have stopped him if he did leave to go after Avenger. In Arturia's mind, Avenger had no reason to lie to her and, therefore, what happened had been unintentional.]

Because I have been training Shirou in combat since he came here. I thought he was fit to come fight monsters with me. However.... we were overwhelmed. And while we did manage to defeat the monsters, Avenger used up his prana, forcing the illusion he wore to collapse.

[She's silent for a moment before she asks:] Were you aware of his nature at all? [Just what his sickly aura meant?]

Of Avenger's nature? Yes, though I knew nothing of his tie to Shirou, obviously.

[Diarmuid closes his eyes for a moment, pushing his emotions back so that he can talk about Avenger objectively.]

The first time we met shortly after he arrived he pretty much told me what he was. I don't know if he meant to or just didn't care. When you and I talked of him that day on the Network, I was going to tell you, but we got distracted and you ended the conversation before I could. Am I understanding correcting that he told you everything?

In part. The rest was easy to figure out thanks to his aura. [Because what else could have an aura that strong if not the thing responsible for the corruption of the Grail?]

Once I came back to myself, I asked him for answers and he was obliging. Apparently when he acts as Shirou, the illusion is so thorough he's unaware of his own nature. He, for all intents and purposes, believes he's Shirou.

[And now her current dilemma: if she sees Shirou again, should she say something to him?]

Yes, that aura. It is what made me believe his words when he otherwise didn't seem very trustworthy. I may not have spent much time around the darkened Saber, but I spent time around Rin. The feel was...familiar.

[Diarmuid frowns.]

Does that mean Shirou will still seek you out as if nothing has happened?

I do not know.

[It's the truth, too, because....]

I do not know if Avenger will take his guise again or not and I....

[She takes a deep breath, eyes returning to her lap.]

....it is one thing when someone leaves here, Diarmuid. Horrific as it is, those who leave here are relatively safe in their worlds. You know they are out there among the worlds.

With Avenger.... the Shirou I have spent months with does not even exist and never existed. The whole thing was an illusion more thorough than the ones we are kept in here. The boy I spent months training and fighting alongside never existed in the first place.

Diarmuid shuts his eyes for a moment, shaking his head. Why did this have to happen? Saber has suffered so much already--been so unsure about so many things in regards to her relationship with her Shirou. Why did that mess of emotions have to be made so much more complex than it already is?

"I don't know what to say, to be honest. This...is a horrible thing and the last thing you needed to deal with. I think I can understand a little better now why this drove you do take the action you did. How do you approach finding out someone you are so close to is not who you thought they were at all?"

He pauses, then, looking very unsure and it takes several moments before he starts speaking again, "But, I don't know if I would say he never existed. He may not be who you thought he was, but he still exists...as part of Avenger. And beyond that, he exists in your memories. They may be too painful to think about now, but someday that may change."

No.

It's easier if I do not think of him as Shirou or any of it having been real. It was a struggle as it was not to act on any lingering feelings I had.

[Because that is the one way this could have been worse--if she and Shirou had entered a relationship again. If Avenger had revealed himself during a private moment.

Just thinking of how things could have turned out makes her skin crawl. It was especially unnerving knowing just how easily her resolve could have broken if Shirou had ever shown any sort of romantic interest in her.]

[Diarmuid nods at her words. He could say he understands, but he really doesn't. There is no way anyone but Saber herself can understand this, which is frustrating because he doesn't like being unable to comfort his friends.

Not to mention his frustration isn't helping the urge he has to find Avenger and make him pay for this, intentional or not.]

Is there anything I can do to aid you in this? Anything at all?

No. This is something I need to work through myself.

[She knows it probably frustrates him to say that, to point out that, no, there's not a lot he can do to help her. Arturia would never ask for help for herself, does not think her problems are worth anyone's time, and does not believe she has any sort of future to hope for.

All she has left is the Tower and helping the people here now and trapped on their homeworlds.]

I apologize if that is not what you wish to hear, but.... there are just some things that take time or cannot be changed.

No, it's not, but I do understand what you are saying.

[Diarmuid looks up at her with a stern expression.]

Just as I trust you to seek others help when you really need it. You just went through a lot to give yourself new perspective and a new start. Don't let that effort be wasted. You have many friends and allies who will aid you when you need it. I will say to you what so many people say to me. Accept their help when it is offered and turn to them when you need them.

[He smiles, suddenly becoming a bit more relaxed.]

If nothing else, it saves you having to listen to them lecture you as you are stuck in bed with paralysis after waking up from being dead.

[It hasn't happened to him yet, but he hasn't died for a long time. However, Diarmuid is fairly certain the next time it happens, he is going to be getting a lecture, and not just from one person.]

I have yet to have anyone lecture me in all the times I have died here.

[It was nine, right? And how can she explain that she did not give herself a new perspective or a new start? At least, not intentionally.

The whole thing had been an escape, a diversion. One she took only because taking one's own life was not an option in this place. And that option had only been appealing thanks to how vulnerable she'd been in the moment. It still horrified her the turn her mind had taken in that moment. Even in her worst moments before, she had never considered taking her own life simply to get away.]

But I will try to accept help when it is offered. [Though she doubts anyone will. Until recently, she has done well to keep too many people from finding out about the pain she is always in.]

Trying is all I ever ask, however, forgive me for being presumptuous, but you cannot just try to accept help. You need to try and make yourself ask for it as well.

[She and he, they have that in common. Far too often, they think they should be able to do everything themselves. Diarmuid's friends have very patiently driven into his head that it is okay to ask for help, and now he wants to try and pass that on.]

If your friends are not doing that, perhaps someone should talk to them about slacking off. I have no idea how many times you have died here, but there are consequences to dying too many times. We cannot let ourselves be weakened that way when there is so much we must do.

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ITP: Fallout

It's fine!

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