towerofanimus

Entry tags:

four.

Characters: Claudia Hortensia & OPEN
Setting: Floor 82, Floor 7, Floor 48, the stairs outside Floor 27, Floor 3, Floor 82 again, & choose your own adventure.
Format: Brackets preferred
Summary: Candy-hunting catch-all post
Warnings: Will add as necessary

I. Sunday - Floor 82
[Well... That was unexpected. Claudia, mask removed, stands alone in the ballroom that makes up this floor, a small bag held in her hands. She rifles through it, but she finds nothing of particular note; it's just more candy.]

[Then who, exactly, was that person? What was that all about?]

[She decides to go through with her seep of this floor as she had intended to, before the interruption. But, really, it's less about finding candy now and more about try to see if there's anything else to be found here that might provide some kind of explanation.]

II. Monday - Floor 7
[Claudia doesn't want to swim, but that doesn't mean she's going to ignore this floor. So today, rather than checking the pool itself, she can be found rifling through the lockers. In both locker rooms, actually, because she's completely ignoring the genders they're labeled with.]

[No biggie.]

III. Tuesday - Floor 48
[This seems like a natural place to search, given her job as a gravekeeper, so Claudia makes her sweep of this floor at the same time she performs her duties. At first she thinks nothing of it when she leans down to retrieve the chocolate roses lying across one of the graves, but then her eye happens to glance the name engraved there, and she frowns.]

[Aoi Tohsaka.]

[Surely... It must be a coincidence. She tells herself that, but she still finds herself lingering, her brow furrowed.]

IV. Wednesday - Outside Floor 27
[Claudia doesn't actually set foot on the laboratory floor. Instead, she lingers outside it, on the stairs, seeming uncertain of what to do. She could search this one. It probably wouldn't be too dangerous, provided she doesn't put her hands in anything they shouldn't be in. But...]

[But she can't bring herself to step forward, so she's stymied.]

V. Thursday - Floor 3
[Claudia doesn't intend to go searching for candy today! She's gathered quite a bit over the last four days, after all, and she thinks she's earned a break. So, this afternoon, she can be found in the library rather than roaming the Tower, quietly reading a book.]

[...The feeling that she should keep looking is nagging at her, though, so she's a little more unsettled and agitated than she'd like to be on her "day off." She's trying not to let it get to her, but the feeling probably comes across in her demeanor more than she would care for it to...]

VI. Friday - Floor 82
[For the third time, she's come to this floor, and for the third time, she's encountered that person. She doesn't know anything more than she did the first time; they said nothing to her even when she tried to speak to them. Truthfully, she feels rather frustrated. Mask discarded, she doesn't even bother to check the inside of the bag this time, scowling at the empty air.]

VII. Whenever, Wherever
[Other than the prompts given above, Claudia will be investigating the following floors on the following days:

Sunday, afternoon to evening: 101, 100, 99, 96, 94, 93, 88, 87, 86, 83, 81, 1
Monday, morning to noon: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 18, 19, 21
Tuesday, afternoon to evening: 50, 51, 53, 54, 55, 56, 58, 60
Wednesday, afternoon to evening: 82, 21, 22, 25, 28, 19, 18, and most of the others she searched on Monday
Thursday, throughout the day: None! She can be found around Floors 1, 3, and 101 at various times, however.
Friday, afternoon: 62, 40, 39, 38

So if you'd like to run into her on any of these floors, have at it.]

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[Automatically, though his face is still downturned, she shrugs. It's a simple motion, but the gesture is self-depreciating somehow.]

It's obvious, isn't it? [She lets that reply hang in the air for a second before she continues.] I told you, the woman you remember— She was better than me. It's not my place to speak of her choice as though it was my own.

That is not true.

[ He straightens a bit more, properly kneeling again, but his head remains tipped downward: gaze focused on the floor. ]

If what has been told is true, and this place -- if this place is some purgatory, at the end of all worlds, then you are all that remains.

It is not a sin that you survived.

[At those words, she draws a sharp, startled breath, as though she has been struck. And in a way, she has been; the retort is a blow to some hidden, vulnerable part of her, and it knocks the air from her lungs.]

[To hear him say that should be a great relief, but instead, all she can see is that grinning shadow speaking in his voice.]

How can you say that to me now? When you're... [She trails off, gesturing with one arm to his position on the floor.] If that's the case, there's nothing-- There's nothing more or less sinful about your survival, if that's how you feel.

[She stays silent for a moment, biting her lip, before she starts again.]

Being here now wasn't my choice, anyway. And, whether or not it was-- There would be nothing wrong with you or anyone else hating me for it. I wasn't able to do anything for you, or--or anyone.

[ At her words, his head slowly shakes. It's a mild gesture, as he moves his head from side to side. ] No. There is a difference.

You survived to carry on an honest life. But I...

There is no virtuous benefit to be reaped from my survival.

[ He finally looks up, meeting her gaze, and he does not waver. ]

It is not possible to hate you.

And I do not believe it possible for anyone in this world to do anything for me.

Is that so?

[She speaks blankly. Once again, there's something so dizzying about hearing him say those words that she can't feel anything else. An honest life? Did she?]

[But of course, he can't say otherwise, because he doesn't know. Tokiomi—]

[She needs to tell him that. It would be selfish and cowardly to continue to hide it. But even as she thinks that, a confession isn't what comes to her lips.]

That doesn't matter.

[She kneels down again, but she doesn't reach out to touch him this time. She simply wants to be at eye level, rather than looking down at him as he speaks.]

You haven't done anything wrong simply by being alive. A life is a life. It has value.

[But it's harder to respond to his final words than the rest. That admission seems to cause her pain where his earlier one did not, her hurt and frustration apparent in her expression now. Her brow furrows as she bites her lip again, and her gaze drops away from him, down to the floor.]

[There's no way for her to help, even if that's all that she wants now.]

I'm sorry.

[Even as those words leave her mouth, they feel so inadequate that she wants to cry.]

[ When she kneels, he looks up at her, meeting her one eye. There are no tears in it, nor any judgment. Sorrow, however -- there is plenty of sorrow. There always had been, in a way, hadn't there?

He actually cannot recall what she looked like, when she was happy.

Was she ever? ]

But if I continue to live, I cannot guarantee what I may do.

What trespass I may commit.

[ His jaw tightens, and he glances down again, breaking gaze from her. ]

You have no obligation to me. You do not need to stay.

I'm not staying out of obligation. [She does touch him now, just a quick brush of her fingertips across the back of his hand before she draws them back again.] It's my choice to.

[She had said the same thing to him, and yet he had stayed with her and protected her. Even though that wasn't something she could reasonably expect of him, even though he has told her now of wanting to kill her...]

Besides, I—

[Suddenly, she breaks off, and when she starts again, there's a new sort of determination behind her words.]

Would you be willing to hear my confession, too?

[ He watches her fingers move across his skin: so much paler and thinner than his own hands, and his frown deepens. She should not stay. It will destroy her to stay.

He almost reminds her of this, but she speaks first, and Kirei lifts his head again.

The offer surprises him. It is not what he anticipated, and he is not sure what she would say, or offer. ]

... I will. It is fair, after you heard me.

[She smiles, a little.]

Alright. Thank you.

[She shifts in front of him, settling against the floor, her legs tucked underneath her. The floor is hard and not particularly comfortable, but to her, it doesn't seem like such an arduous thing to suffer. A little bit of discomfort is hardly enough to make her complain—and when she considers what she means to tell him, it seems like even less of a concern. Her hands bunch in her skirt, fussing nervously at the cloth.]

[It was an easy thing to admit to Kariya. The confession had been a spur of the moment decision, and it all tumbled out of her mouth at once. Saying the same thing to Kirei, though... She feels ashamed and afraid.]

T— Tokiomi Tohsaka. [Abruptly, she blurts out the name.] He was your teacher, wasn't he?

[Perhaps she should be sure of that, first.]

[ He watches her move. It's easier for her here, in the Tower, than what he remembers. Is there other forces at work, which make her illness more bearable, or is it simply that she is truly better off without him, so much that her health itself surpasses all expectation?

Her question surprises him, although he suspects it shouldn't. His father was a close ally of the Tohsakas. If Claudia were chosen in his stead, it would only be natural that she follow the same path. ]

He was. [ He nods slightly, as he speaks. ] And he was yours?

[She returns his nod with one of her own.]

He was. But I...

[Her mouth moves to form another word, but her voice fails her. She bites her lip. In her lap, her hands grip her skirt tighter, and she looks downward, watching her trembling fingers rather than the expression on his face.]

But I—

[How is she supposed to say this to him? Her guilt smothers the words in her throat. He should know that she isn't as pure or sinless as he seems to imagine her, but even so, the weight of her confession pins her tongue to the bottom of her mouth, leaving her powerless to voice it.]

—I killed him.

[Finally, she chokes out the words, cringing at her own bluntness. Her shoulders curl, and her head bows further. She could try to offer him some explanation as to why, or explain the circumstances surrounding what occurred, but she doesn't. No excuse that she could give would change the fact that she had murdered a man who had shown her nothing but hospitality, betraying him and betraying the judgment of the Church.]

[ Kirei goes still.

He remembers his Command Spells reappearing, and he remembers Gilgamesh's words. To continue in the War would mean defying his teacher. It would mean fighting him and his Archer, and it would mean death. It's so much easier to kill a Master, rather than attack the Servant.

But is that what motivated her? It seems unlikely. He does not know if she lost her Servant, under a similar circumstance, or even had reason to defy him.

She looks ready to cry, but he is not inspired to touch her or offer any comfort. ]

Why, Claudia?

I just— [She cuts herself off, still worrying her lip. Normally, she might try to stop herself, lest she bite through, but that doesn't seem so important now.] A... A lot of things. They just... They all built up, and...

[...And she had been too emotional for the Grail War, so they had boiled over in the worst possible way. She forces herself to speak slowly, since she knows that if she lets herself do otherwise, her explanation will be garbled and incoherent—and it's easier to keep herself from crying like this, too.]

I don't think... There's a lot that he did that I don't think was right. Like— How could I be expected to ask Assassin to just kill herself? She had thoughts and feelings and wanted things. She was a person—! Even Archer... [But she realizes she's getting worked up, and she forces herself to calm again. Her eye stings, but she ignores it.] And— And Kariya couldn't do anything to hurt him, so killing him just seemed...

[She bites down on her lip again, and this time she can taste blood.]

Edited 2013-12-14 00:31 (UTC)

[ He doesn't reach out to embrace her, or offer any reassuring contact. Instead, what he is driven to do is to touch her lip, when droplets of blood begin to form from the cut made with her teeth. ]

Claudia.

[ It's surprisingly soft, the way he speaks her voice. He never imagined her being capable of something like that. Her explanation is still somewhat distorted, lacking in detail, but he can piece together the context. Her sympathy. Her heart. Her inability to disconnect in the way a magus did, in terms of this War and the casualties it required.

And Kariya -- it also explains Kariya.

There is a moment of silence where he simply sits with her, his fingertips grazing that spot on her mouth, before he speaks again. ]

How did you do it?

[The touch surprises her, and she jolts, though she doesn't ultimately refuse the contact. It hurts a little, the way it would to have anyone touch an open tear, but she falls back into old habits easily around Kirei. Maybe she should be more afraid now—is he interested in blood?—but she simply looks back at him, finally meeting his gaze again.]

I told Assassin to do it. That's all.

[That answer is flat and numb.]

[ Slowly, Kirei withdraws his hand. There are drops of blood on his fingertips and he rubs them together gently, until the color thins and fades, as if there was no stain there at all.

He thinks for a moment. It is a grave sin, and for it to be the man that was her teacher... but also a man who asked her to sacrifice herself, among lives she deemed as innocent. ]

You did as much as any other Master.

Self defense.

[ But does it disappoint him, to hear it was Assassin, rather than her own hands? ]

It wasn't—!

[She starts to sit up on her knees, as though she intends to rise, but then she stops again. Her hands remain bunched in her clothes. For just a moment, there was something like frustration in her voice, but when she continues speaking, it has vanished again.]

It wasn't—like that. I just— I let my emotions get the better of me, and...

[She trails off, her expression somehow pleading as she looks at him now. Unthinkingly, she runs her tongue over her lips, tasting the blood there.]

What about— What about Aoi and Rin? I...!

That risk was real, whether or not it was your hands, or those of another.

[ Another; like himself? Could he tell in all honesty that he would not do as Gilgamesh coaxed him to? That he would not seek out another Servant and defy his teacher, in search of his own answers... his own wish. ]

That is the truth of this war, and all wars: there will be death.

[His words are something she should have known already, and yet she startles and stiffens, as though she hadn't considered those facts before. That would be ridiculous, of course; from day one, the mantra of, "in war, death cannot be avoided," had been the only meager salve she'd had for her guilty conscience. But—

That's right. Aoi and Rin must have already been aware of the risk involved. She hadn't thought of it like that, having promised to protect and support Tokiomi, but—it's not as though another Master couldn't have killed that man who was a father and husband.

It's not as though those other Masters wouldn't have been willing to, in order to accomplish their own goals.

And it's not as though she hadn't been asked to do the same thing, in order to accomplish Tokiomi's.

...Were they really all those kinds of people?]

...Ah.

[She sinks, and her fingers go slack in her lap.]

...I should have just done as Assassin said to begin with.

Assassin?

[ He is uncertain whether or not the Servant he summoned is the same as the one which served her. She spoke of Assassin in singular, and feminine, and perhaps the hundred faces favored one form for her? He cannot be certain. ]

What did Assassin say?

That the whole ritual was greedy and monstrous. That's what she said to me.

[That was one of the first things Assassin had told her, and she had protested, but even then, she had trouble arguing with her Servant's logic. Sucking her lower lip between her teeth, Claudia reaches up, dragging a hand down her face.]

She wasn't happy with what I asked of her. She wanted to destroy the Grail and kill the magi involved. If I wanted to stop them from hurting people, I should have just...

Perhaps it is.

[ He could recognize that part of the Holy Grail War, but unlike Claudia, he was not moved by sentiment. He was too detached, or perhaps too used to loss of life from his history with the Holy Church. No -- more accurately, he simply did not care at all for loss of life, his own or otherwise. It was not a trait of him being strong-willed and willing to make sacrifice, or a tragedy of him being numbed to the concept of death; it is merely another aspect of his emptiness.

Claudia reacts like an honest, emotional person would, with horror and sorrow. Kirei hadn't been disgusted; he became too wrapped up in the idea of his own wish, his own success... ]

That does not matter now; the Grail is gone.

Maybe. But if I've made mistakes, I don't think that erases them.

[She falls silent for a moment, her gaze remaining averted as she seems to think on her own words. Then, she says:]

I should probably go now.

[Her voice is quiet, and a little resigned.]

There are worse mistakes to make.

[ Kirei simply nods his head. He will not argue with her further, nor entreat her to stay. ]

I will not keep you.

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