ITP: Tears in reality

[no_longer_a_king]

Characters: Arturia and OPEN
What: Arturia does her job pre-event and investigates Floor 23 mid-event. Further prompts to be added as the event progresses to avoid spamming the comm.
Where: Circus Floor and Floor 23.
Warnings: Clowns. Possibly other things that come up.


[A: FLOOR eighty; CIRCUS FLOOR; PRE-EVENT]
Two in the afternoon: Time to go to work. As embarrassing and boring as her assigned 'job' in the Tower was, it gave her something constant to do during the day. Busy as she was between the research, her maps, and training Shirou, it was somehow comforting to know she had somewhere to be during the day. Something she had to work her day around, even if in her mind it was entirely optional.

Now if only the ring leader would stop sounding so disappointed about her performance. What did he wish her to do: dance? Her job was simply to take this too-lacey umbrella from one post to the other on a tightrope, nothing else. For a being like her it was a simple matter, something that took less than a minute. The only reason she stayed longer than that was to ensure no one got too close to the clowns. No need for them to make jump ropes out of the audience's intestines, if they had an audience at all that night.

Anyone wishing to speak with her after her minute on the tightrope would find her patrolling just inside the audience's seating, Caliburn in hand, occasionally glaring at a few clowns who strayed too close.

[B: FLOOR 23; Elevators; EVENT]
There was no better chance to map this particular floor than right now, even if she knew she had to be quick about it. There was much to be done and now that Aria was out in the open. Many opportunities, but that would have to wait until Between knowing what they did about the collar fluid now and the fact the chipped units were making a safe house of sorts for them, it felt like things were about to come to a head. In a way they were, as the residents of the tower were surely about to actively oppose Jason.

What looked like a rip in reality itself in the floor did not bode well in any way. It was not too big, no, but there was definitely something trying to push through and for the life of her Arturia had no idea what. Some part of her was thinking Jason, but no. He would be too busy right now. So what was it in there and was it one of the many things they were supposedly being protected from?

Once she was done with a quick sketch of the floor and a few notes on the tear, she knelt down by it, studying it closer, Caliburn in one hand just in case. For all she knew the tear could give way at any moment and whatever was on the other side intended to tear everyone here into a fine paste. If such a thing happened, she needed to stall it for as long as possible.

But what could it possibly be?

Comments

[no_longer_a_king]

Arturia was silent as she watched him speak and move about the room. At one point she moved from her little fort to stand and watch him. She had met with Sephiroth a few times, shared information with him. He seemed like an intelligent enough man, but somehow she was not surprised in hearing about this. Perhaps because she found herself leaving Caster alone at Ruler's request or perhaps because she had seen and averted worse during her tenure as a Counter Guardian, but she.... was not surprised.

In fact, it confused her as she gave Diarmuid a confused look once he calmed down.

"I do not understand: how did you give up your honor?"

She leaned on one of the boxes between them almost casually as she looked up at him, her expression somewhere between confused and understanding.

"Tell me, Diarmuid: what is first and foremost among a knight's duties?"

[oathshackledbird]

"You mean protecting others?" He assumes so, but since he can already tell he's getting emotional again, Diarmuid wants to make sure even as he tries for a second time to check those emotions. They have gotten him into enough trouble recently, "But we are suppose to find the honorable way to do that and I...did not. He took one of the swords Waver made for me after he attacked me in the Library and I wanted to get it back, so I arranged a meeting with him to do that. I thought it might be a good time to try and talk to him as well, but I knew he would not listen to just me. I had tried already."

Diarmuid sighs, running a hand through his hair, "So, I talked to a few others who had been involved with what happened to Ryoji and asked them to come with me. Perhaps if we all talked he would listen, but...I should have known better, or at least, I should have told them all the exact nature of the meeting. That Sephiroth thought he was just meeting me. It probably wouldn't have mattered, though. It was a fool's dream. There was too much bad blood and things went badly so fast. So many died and I probably ended up making things worse for those I was trying to protect."

"I should have just gone alone. Even if he wouldn't have listened. Even if it is likely he would have killed me. It would have been better I died instead of them, but I was so desperate to find a way to protect everyone that I didn't even care how anymore..." He falls silent for a moment, sudden realization and then shame entering his eyes, "And maybe there was part of me that just wanted him to die for what he had done even if it would accomplish nothing. Maybe that is why I didn't tell them more clearly I wanted to talk to him. Maybe that is why I didn't correct them when they talked more and more about killing him and even spoke of it myself. And maybe that is the real reason I feel like I have done something so dishonorable. I...don't know... I am so unused to feeling this way. I thought I could handle the feeling. That it didn't matter after Kayneth forced my hand in the war, but this is different. It's...different."

[no_longer_a_king]

"Protecting others, yes. That is our duty first and foremost. Protecting others is the most honorable thing we can do."

She watches him as he continues to talk.

"So.... you are upset that you are human? That you met someone so vile you honestly wish him dead?"

Arturia stands up straight now, coming out from behind her little fort of boxes to speak with him better.

"Diarmuid, there is nothing dishonorable about wanting such a thing. Actions speak louder than words. I have met Sephiroth and from what I know of him it is unlikely he would not expect you to come unaided given your history. Furthermore, you made it clear you hate him and him alone. Not the child who runs around with his name and you would not hate another Sephiroth who was drawn into the Tower. It is this one man whose actions you have seen firsthand who you hate, who has given you reason to hate him and has done things so vile it is justified."

Arturia knew the dangers of seeking revenge on people simply for being associated with another who was vile. The main reason Morganna and Morgause had hated Arturia so was for Uther's actions in the past, despite the fact Arturia never knew the man, did not even consider him her father, and only used his name to establish her claim to the throne and nothing more. She could not blame her sisters for being angry at Uther, but she did not think they had any right to take it out on a daughter he did not even wish to raise because she had been a girl.

"So tell me, Diarmuid, how have you given up your honor?"

[oathshackledbird]

"I'm suppose to be more than that. I'm suppose to be perfect. Perfect doesn't hate..." But the excuse is weak and he knows it, which is why Diarmuid falls silent afterward, forcing himself to sort through the emotions he's been using as a shield to hide behind and actually see what is there.

What is there is darkness, is anger, is rage, and is hate. All those things awakened after Kayneth betrayed him back in the war. When he first arrived here, Diarmuid had hoped he would be able to find away to be rid of those feelings--to return to that pure knight he had once been--but it obvious that those feelings have no intention of going away now that they have found a home. Not only a home, but someone to direct their heat at.

Diarmuid closes his eyes. It's time he accepted it, isn't it? There is no way for him to return to what he once was. Well, there is if he returns to the Grail, but he doesn't want that. Not just to rid himself of this. Not when there is so much more positive he would be giving up in the process.

"How do I learn to...accept being human? To accept all those things I tell others are okay? The mistakes. The lapses in honor. I don't know, but I need to learn how to."

[no_longer_a_king]

"By learning from your mistakes, forgiving yourself, and moving on."

Something that was a lot simpler in theory than in practice. Arturia could practically call herself the poster child for not taking her own advice on the matter. She had spent her life striving to be something perfect and untouchable to make up for the circumstances of her birth; had spent her life believing herself a wretch for perpetuating a lie when she always preached about honesty and loyalty and honor.

But she was human. She made mistakes. Just like Diarmuid had. She could not change her gender or being Uther's daughter or the things she had done. Just like Diarmuid could not change his feelings. Not if Sephiroth had repeatedly done so many horrible things.

"Who said that you are 'supposed' to be perfect? Those around you? Or yourself? And who are they to judge what is or is not perfect?"

[oathshackledbird]

"Both. I have believed I needed to be perfect for...a very long time. It was once so easy to be so," Diarmuid shakes his head sadly, "but others have called me that too. Others who are no longer in this place for me to talk to about what they meant..."

Kain, for example.

"But I know that both they and I are wrong. The advice you give me is advice I have given to so many, but I have yet to find a way to make myself listen to it. Things would be so much easier if I could just take my own advice," he sighs in frustration. "So much easier."

Even after all this time and the different paths they had followed after that night in the war, they are really still far too much the same in some ways...

[no_longer_a_king]

The only real difference between them was the fact Arturia had given up hope she could be that shining and great knight once more. One did not get forced to 'dispose' of threats as much as she had and still believed themselves pure in any way.

But that was a conversation for another day. Diarmuid seemed to have so much on her plate and what would telling him about her time as a Counter Guardian accomplish? Just for him to feel sorry for her and that would get them nowhere with his problem.

"It's never meant to be easy."

Just look at the entire damn Round Table.

"A good start would be to figure out any particular lines you would, under no circumstance, cross, and the things you do not want to do, but the specific situations in which you would commit these acts. If you know what your limits are--your exact limits--you will be better armed when temptation comes upon you."

Like she would have been when the Grail was offered to her for Shirou's life.

"You need to be completely honest with yourself when you do this. It's easy to say you would never kill someone if they were tied down, but it's not so easy when you look at all the reasons behind why that person is tied down. When do you find it acceptable to kill? To steal? To break vows? To torture a person? To lie? You may not like what you find, but as I said, you will be better armed when these situations come up and question yourself less."

[oathshackledbird]

"I used to think I knew where those lines were. I would not lie. I would not be disloyal or dishonorable, but it is not so simple anymore. The world has changed so much. Where it was black and white, it is now grey. I grow so tired of grey," Diarmuid starts to walk his path between the box stacks again, though his movements are contemplative now instead of agitated and emotional. "But it is the way of things now. I wonder how different the war would have been if I had realized then?"

Would he have understood Kayneth's actions better? Would he have seen that betrayal coming and been able to do something more to stop it? Many questions pass across his mind in an instant and then are pushed away.

"I suppose it doesn't matter. It is the past and cannot be changed. I have to focus on now since there is so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it in," he turns to look at Saber. "Finding those answers will not be easy. I have become very bad at being honest with myself since I came here, but if I allow these questions to remain unanswered, this place and those within it will find a way to use that against me."

"The only question is, when I find these answers I don't like, how do I handle them so that they don't push me any farther down that path I don't want to walk. Or, maybe a better question is how do I make myself accept the fact that the world has changed and I have had to change with it. I...ah..." Diarmuid pauses and shakes his head, smiling a little self-consciously. "I'm sorry. I'm just thinking out loud now."