towerofanimus | Is it a Gift or is it a Curse?

Entry tags:

Is it a Gift or is it a Curse?

Characters: Naminé (

lethechained) and open.
Setting: Floor Twenty
Format: Starting this way, will match.
Summary: Naminé is not sure what to make of her 'reward' for participating in the experiment.
Warnings: Contemplation, mentions of being trapped in a castle full of heartless people. TL;DR, as is unfortunately often the case I'msosorry.

[Naminé is not entirely certain what to make of the 'reward' she's been given for her participation in the experiment. Just finding it on her bed was startling enough; she never thought she'd see it again.]

[She isn't sure she wanted to.]

[The fact that the little sewn doll's eyes were closed had not made it any less jarring. It's still an obvious replica of her; imperfect, of course, since its hair is conspicuously made of yarn and it has (rather arbitrary) tiny wings attached, but nonetheless when it had sat benignly in its birdcage in Castle Oblivion when the castle had been her own prison, it had always been meant to represent her. So what, then, does it represent now?]

[That's what she's wondering, among other things, as she cradles it in her hands. She's seated just a little ways in from the rim of the twentieth floor. Roxas had found a place on the clock tower in Twilight Town, and although she'd never managed to find a place of her own like that, she thought that perhaps this particular floor was at least worth a try. It's precariously high and affords a view of the distance, so it has at least that in common with the clock tower. There's no sunset to speak of at the moment, but that's okay.]

[The doll arrived free of its cage. Maybe, in a way, it now shares a cage with its original. Or, instead, perhaps it's a sign of things to come. Whatever the case, she isn't certain that she should keep it. It's all too suspicious, considering its source. But even as she considers discarding it, even as she starts to move her arm back to throw it from the tower and from her thoughts, she finds she can't do it. She can't let it go.]

[It reminds her of a hard time, yes, and its presence is unnerving purely because of what it represents, but at the same time, it just seems... wrong to thow it away. It's her in effigy, yes, and that's both the reason she keeps it and a reason why she shouldn't bother; she knows better than to maintain a loyalty to herself, the incomplete shadow of someone else, and yet - to be real, to leave something behind, to not be forgotten is something she's always craved. It's a poor substitute for a heart and she knows it, but the doll is more real than she'll even be and she just doesn't have the not-heart to throw it away, but she does set it down next to her instead of continuing to hold it because she's not so sure when her mind will change again.]

[It's not quite enough to make her miss Twilight Town.]

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Naminé was definitely a tiny girl, short and slight framed to begin with and a bit too thin on top of that. She mirrored his grimace, although hers was a touch smaller. Nodding, she answered with a, "Yes. If it can even be called that." Her hands tightened inwards just slightly as she thought, figuring she should probably show him but given pause by that previous embarrassment that she quickly chastised away. A little gingerly, she reached over, picked up the doll, and held it up for him to see, careful not to let too much of her discomfort show. "...What was yours?"

Ψiioniic studied the doll for a moment, which was obviously supposed to be a replica of Naminé herself. It was a little creepy, but also kind of cute. At least, he thought so. She obviously didn't, judging by the way she was reacting to it.

Well, if it was half as significant to her as his 'reward' had been to him, he didn't blame her.

"My Helmthman station," he said with more than just a touch of bitterness. "The biowireth that were used to chain me to the ship, and keep me completely controlled. To be fair, it wath probably the only thing they could find that counted as 'mine'... slaveth don't have a lot of possessions. But thtill."

"--...."

And she'd been unnerved by her 'reward'.

If she hadn't been around to see the experiments, she would have been surprised at such a cruel joke. As it was, there was no room for surprise alongside her horror. Even if it was his only possession, there was no excuse; better that they have given him nothing. Of course, he might have felt differently, but she got the feeling that that wasn't the case. "That's-- horrible!" Her offense at the object she'd recieved had been present but not nearly as strong as her offense at what they'd given him. It always had been easier for her to be upset on someone else's behalf than on her own. "I'm so sorry...!"

It made sense, though, in a way. His 'reward' had been a reminder of his servitude, and so had hers. Had the others gotten something similar? She both wanted to know and was afraid to.

"I can't tell if it'th random, an honest mistake, or if they're deliberately torturing thertain people," he said, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. One of his migraines had been threatening since he'd first seen the damned 'reward', and it was settling in to make itself at home. This one wasn't going anywhere any time soon. "SS got a pile of hith favourite movies, which he certainly wathn't complaining about. And in some wayth, that'th worth, because now he feelth guilty that he got something good and I got something so awful."

He shook his head, and looked down on her with sympathy. "What about you? You don't theem very happy to have that doll."

The mention of them deliberately toturing people made her raise her head slightly, a thought already coming to mind and on the tip of her tongue, but she held it back until he'd finished. Signless, at least, seemed to have gotten lucky... although, really, what he'd gotten was suspicious, too. Perhaps it was an attempt to bribe him into being more comfortable (not that that seemed to be their strategy with other people, but everyone was different and maybe they'd thought him being comfortable would be more likely to make him settle than fear would, not that something like that would work when he knew what they'd done to Ψiioniic), or maybe the movies had been tampered with. There was always hypnosis, even if they hadn't seemed to need anything visible to get people to complete the surveys unwillingly. Distracted by these thoughts from what she originally meant to say, she responded with an, "It's not his fault." Of course, she thought Ψiioniic knew that, but she couldn't help saying it. She was also all too well aware of another thing, "...But I understand why he'd feel guilty. It's hard not to, sometimes."

Considering his question, she remembered what she'd intended to say before. Seeing the sympathetic look, she tried to muster a smile for his sake, but, concerned that it was insufficient, she turned her eyes back down to the doll in question. "No. I'm not." Now, how to phrase it? "When I was... younger, there were some people who-- wanted me to do some things for them. Things I didn't want to do." In a sense, she was a slave, too, but it seemed... wrong to use that word when she knew he'd been more of slave than she ever had, and probably for much longer. "But I didn't have a choice, because I was trapped. This doll was in the room where they kept me." A pause. "She was in a cage." Since the doll looked like her, the point was obvious.

Ψiioniic caught his breath. He didn't need it laid out any clearer than that; he was perfectly capable of reading the rest between the lines. And more than capable of imagining the kind of psychological effect something like that would have on a captive.

Silently he thanked the gods that the Condesce had never thought to use a tactic like that on him. Or worse, dolls of Signless and his other friends. Perhaps she just hadn't wanted to remind him that he'd ever been free, so that he wouldn't be encouraged to rebel.

"I'm thorry," he said. "I can't... that would be horrible. I don't think I could have stood it."

Horrible, yes, but she could hardly imagine what a culture as violent as the trolls' might have thought up. Surely it was worse for him, at least on a physical level. Perhaps his captors hadn't gone in for the psychological things as much as hers had. Still, she shook her head. "You survived what you did. That must have been worse - being controlled like that." She placed one of her hands against her chest. "I'd been there since I was born," or what passed for that for a Nobody, "so I was used to it, and... I still had my will." Him, not so much. "I wasn't brave enough to stand up to them for a long time, but it-- could have been much worse." It was an attempt to alleviate his sympathy for his sake; he was the one who deserved the sympathy, not her. ~~It might have been a little counter-effective.~~

"In thome ways it was better, what I went through," Ψiioniic told her honestly. "I could tell myself that there wath no point in fighting, since the computer would punish me for even thinking the wrong thingth. And believe me, it took me a long time to have the thtrength to stand up to them, too."

He sighed. "I think maybe it'th pointless to compare our experienceth," he added quietly. "We both thuffered. We both gave in and did what they wanted for a long time. And in the end, we both fought back, however we could. That'th what really matters."

After a moment, she nodded. It was pointless. She just wished she'd had the strength to resist earlier than she had, because her weakness had cost so many other people so much. But she wasn't going to say that, not now. "You're right. That's what matters." She still had her doubts (and fears) about whether or not she'd be able to do it again, but... she'd done it once, hadn't she? And now there were even more people to keep her strong, even if it was through guilt. She wouldn't have been able to forgive herself if she'd ruined even more lives, especially on such a comparatively large scale. "And... now we're both here." It's a little better, at least, experiments or not.

"And being here together helps... at leatht, it does for me," Ψiioniic confessed, smiling a little more. "It always helps to have people who care about you, I found... that'th how I broke free of my conditioning the first time, thankth to SS and Dolorosa and Disciple. But it helpth even more to have someone who actually understands."

Her smile grew as his did. "That's how I got away, too...! Someone was there for me. If it wasn't for him I'd--" have been useless, and might not even have existed anymore. But also, "...never have had the strength to stand up to them." The reason why was not such a happy thing, but still she smiled. That last bit of what Ψiioniic said, though, caught up to her a moment later and she tilted her head, looking curious. "Someone who understands...?"

"What it'th like to be forced to do something you hate, by people you don't dare thay 'no' to," he elaborated quietly. "I don't think it'th really something you can underthtand, unless you've been through it. And I wouldn't wish it on any of my friends... but you know exactly how hard it ith to be myself even now, even without them holding me anymore."

Once he began to clarify, she quickly started to suspect his meaning. It hadn't occurred to her before, and indeed, she wasn't even comfortable allowing herself to think it until he'd stated it clearly, because it was still hard for her to accept the idea that she might be worth something, have some purpose or some (even small) place in someone's heart that she hadn't stolen. Funny that, in a way, she'd proven his point as he made it. The mindset she'd been made to develop in that time still lingered. In a way it was an inextricable part of her, but it was also something that held her back from being... whatever else she might have been able to be.

She sucked in a breath, uncertain whether she wanted to smile or frown. It was a sad reason to be helpful; but, then, weren't many of the reasons one might have been able to help someone else with something like this sad? In the end she settled for smiling, only a tiny bit ruefully. "...I do know. I'm glad. Not that either of us had to go through that, but that-- that I could help. If someone had to be the one to understand, I'm happy that it was me." Which was her way of saying she wouldn't have wished it on any of his friends, either.

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Is it a Gift or is it a Curse?

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