towerofanimus | I would rather Fly than Fall...

Entry tags:

I would rather Fly than Fall...

Characters: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (

oathshackledbird) and open to anyone who wants to run into him! (Closed prompt at the end for Waver Velvet,

fionnuisce. Close prompt now added for Reno,

midgarhorizon , and Shion,

savedbyasong !)
Setting: Room 2-16, the hallways, Room 2-04, and anywhere on the Dorm Levels/Safe floors of the Tower.
Format: Starting in prose, pick your poison after that!
Summary: Log to cover several things including the 'Tower of Jenova' event, dating from the 14th to the 23rd. (A few backdated prompts will likely be added later and, depending on the Mod Event which lasts from the 23rd to the 27th, prompts for it may be added as well.) After denying for a few days anything is wrong, Diarmuid gives in and goes looking for Waver in hopes that the magus can help cure whatever is making him feel so sick. Cue camp out/sleepover in room 2-04 with possible feverish wanderings from time to time. My apologies in advance to the other occupants of 2-04...
Warnings: Diarmuid's cap for the event is LI2, which means he will be very sick and sporting a rash after a while. While he will have mood dips and periods of negativity throughout the event, he won't be having any of the other, more severe symptoms associated with the higher levels and won't be dying. The negative emotions that are mentioned in the prompts will be less prominent during the early part of the event and get stronger as the event goes on. Specific Warnings for negative emotions, mentions of death/death wishes, things related to the flu/respiratory infections/fever, and potential mild violence and mild mentions of blood. If Diarmuid runs into any of those with higher infection levels, their threads will be marked with that character's level of infection (LI) should the thread progress to anything besides them talking. Threads with characters that have higher infection levels should be assumed to have warnings similar to those in the open mingle including mentions of body modification, violence, blood, and injury.
Note: I would like to request that if your character knows or suspects that Sephiroth is behind the illness going around, that they not say anything about that to Diarmuid at this time. I am an evil mun and am making him wait until after the event at least to find out--if he even does then. ~~But he was just so sure Sephiroth was up to something...~~ Thanks guys!

The Gym, 3-7 in the morning (Closed to Reno and Shion):

This meeting is long overdue. Even though the last time Diarmuid talked to Shion the boy seemed to have made great steps in better controlling his emotions and berserk outbreaks, the meeting is still necessary. So many times people discover things about themselves in this place only to lose that new information because of something happening. Diarmuid wants to make sure the new discoveries Shion has made aren't lost like that. Not when they have done so much to help the boy stabilize himself.

While he waits, Diarmuid pulls out his swords and starts doing a few simple practice strikes with them. It won't be long until Reno and Shion arrive, but it's hard for him to sit still in the gym. Especially considering he's in a pretty good mood. The ring on his finger catches his eye for a moment and his smile widens.

Okay, a really good mood...

Room 2-16, 3-14 in the morning:

As hard as he is trying to deny it, when Diarmuid wakes up feeling like he is on fire and being smothered at the same time, he can't keep doing it any longer. Somehow, someway, he is sick and not just slightly sick. Very sick. The first few days he had ignored it figuring it to be a product of his working himself too hard, the room switches, or even a bit of a recurrence of the exhaustion that had plagued him after helping to recharge the Tower...

Then Grainne had arrived and everything had just gotten worse. Literally. It's almost as if his emotional uncertainty has somehow been feeding whatever is wrong with him. He doesn't blame her at all, but it is very clear he his condition is going downhill. Today is only proof positive of that.

His thoughts drift to cursing Jason because this reminds him too much of the sickness he had heard went around the December before he arrived. Of course, it can't be Jason this time because he is dead, but might someone else have set it off instead? If the response Waver had gotten to his request is any indication, Zo is in charge this month as normal. He would never do something like this. Is Ruana still playing games behind the scenes?

The thought makes him shiver...or that just might be chills from the fever. Diarmuid tries to pull himself from the bed, but ends up collapsing instead, breaking into a fit of shivers hard enough that his vision swims and he realizes he can't just stay here. He needs to find a healer. He needs to find Waver...

To be honest, he is kind of surprised Waver hasn't found him already, but he has kept distant on the bond lately not wanting to drain his partner more than necessary. That and with Grainne arriving, Diarmuid would be lying if he didn't say he is afraid of what he might find there...or not find there as the case may be.

He tries to rise again and finally manages to get to his feet. After swaying for a moment, he stumbles to the door and into the hallway. Here's hoping Waver is actually in his room and not at the Laboratory for once. Diarmuid's not so sure he will make it that far...

Dorm hallways, 2nd Floor, 3-14 in the morning:

Everything is spinning and it's starting to make Diarmuid sick to his stomach. He's never felt this bad before, not even when he was alive. Sickness, just had avoided him. Maybe he had been lucky or maybe his father had been watching out for him. In ether event, he's not used to feeling like this. His arms wrap around his waist and he takes a deep breath trying to force himself to walk in a straight line.

It's not going so well. Hopefully, he won't run into anyone too hard...

Room 2-04, anytime on 3-14 to 3-23:

If he had more energy or will Diarmuid would probably be tossing and turning, but as it is he is just laying in Waver's bed feeling guilty. They keep trying to heal him and while it seems like it works for a while, he always gets worse again. He supposes he should be glad he's not hallucinating. That had been part of Jason's virus, hadn't it? Or...maybe he is and he just doesn't realize it. Is his brain trying to tell him just how much of a burden he is on everyone? Is that why the healing only ever holds for a while?

Dorm hallways/Safe Tower floors anytime on 3-14 to 3-23:

He slips away sometimes when they aren't watching close enough or think he's asleep. Diarmuid can't help it. As tired as he is, his mind just tells him to run and get away from them so that he's not bothering them anymore. It doesn't help that the urge grows stronger as time passes. How long until they stop leaving him alone? How long until he runs out of chances to free them from the burden he's creating?

Funny, though, he can't ever bring himself to go onto any of the really dangerous floors. That would take care of things pretty quickly, wouldn't it? So, why can't he?

Room 2-04, 3-23 Kill Switch Activation (Closed to Waver):

Perhaps the hallucinations have finally found him after all, because at the moment it feels like something is strangling him...but not strangling him in the normal manner. Instead, its like someone has wrapped their hands around his very core, pulling and crushing it. Trying to rip it away from him. The feeling grows stronger, causing a small frightened sound to slip from his lips. He's not sure what he should do. Should he pull away from Waver to make sure this doesn't affect him too? Should he reach out for him and use the strength his knows his partner will provide to help fight whatever this is?

Should he let go and just stop being a burden?

Diarmuid's exhausted mind is still pondering all this when a the pull suddenly becomes a sharp, searing yank. This time he cannot help but cry out both in pain and fear. As he does, his heart and brain finally slam into agreement. No more dancing around a decision he made long ago. No more waiting for him to consciously realize what he has already unconsciously figured out. He opens the bond and reaches out for Waver just as hard and as desperately as he can...

Help me! Please... I don't want to leave you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Reno himself was a little distracted looking, but he kept an eye on Shion and his papers, just in case he needed to intervene to avoid a spill. He was wearing his suit pants and a well repaired shirt this time around, not expecting to do anything physical this time around.

"You sure you got everything, kiddo?"

When Diarmuid sees all the papers that Shion has, he can't help but be pleased. That must be why the boy has been doing so much better. He took those things they talked about last time to heart and has been working hard on them.

"Lets settle over here," Diarmuid directs them over to a set of benches with some clear area around them. "There is plenty of room to spread out those papers. Do you have an idea where you would like to begin, Shion?"

Diarmuid has a few thoughts of his own, but if there is something Shion wants to start with, it is more important they go with that first. He is going to know best how to direct things, since he knows what he has found during his explorations into his emotions.

Shion nodded, he was pretty sure that he hadn't forgotten anything. He was rediculously neat when it came to his research, all of his research.

He followed to where Diarmuid had pointed out and put down the papers. "Um... well I tried to write down what I was feeling... I'm not sure how much use it will be though." He had gone through his notes the day before and forced himself to keep them all. Most of them were simple statements, Shion trying to put his feelings into words.

Others were things he had written in the dark after a nightmare, and they were what he had wanted to get rid of. But he had a feeling Diarmuid would want to see them, if he could read them, words were written on top of words.

There was a third pile, marked with a heart shape, he had kept them though they were an anomaly, those that had been written when his heart had been stolen. "I don't really know where to start..."

Reno plopped down on a bench and stretched out his legs in front of him, not sure how much use he'd be with this, just like last time.

"You've come a long way, kiddo. Maybe you should start at the beginning. See how different it is now. Wouldn't that help?" He glanced over at Diarmuid, eyebrow raised. "Y'know, give ya confidence or something."

"I would suggest the beginning or if there is anything that seems like it is very vital or important to you. Something you wish to ask about or discuss right away," Diarmuid looks at the papers at they are laid out, noticing the ones marked with a heart and guessing when they were most likely written.

Those will probably be the most painful to go over, but will also likely hold some interesting insights into Shion's thought processes...even if they were written while he was in an altered state of mind. After all, Reno had claimed that everything he had said to Diarmuid while heartless had at some point crossed his mind, even if just for an instant, before.

Very often it is those brief instances that hold the key to unlocking a lot of mysteries...

"Okay..." Shion shrugged, "I dated them as best I could." He shook his head still unsure about how to continue, before picking up the middle pile, the ones with words on top of words.

"I guess these... they were mostly written in the dark but I think that made me more honest."

If either of them could decipher anything they would see a lot of self hating, Rat's name came up a lot as did Reno's, usually about how he was not strong enough to protect them.

Glancing at a few of the pages, Reno sobered up immediately from his unusually magnanimous mood and started to look grim. Shion shouldn't even be worried about protecting him, that's his job to protect Shion, not the other way around...

But he isn't surprised to see Rat's name come up so often in the papers. He shook his head, unwilling to comment just yet, but placed a hand on Shion's shoulder. "Nightmares?"

There is a lot Diarmuid can't make out, but he makes out enough and decides to go a little farther than just a hand on Shion's shoulder like Reno has done. Instead, he steps forward to give Shion a hug.

"It's all right, you know, not to be able to protect all the time. Even heroes are flawed. That is what Waver told me. As much as having those flaws hurts and as much as we hate the mistakes we make, having those flaws and making those mistakes are what allow us to do what we do for others. It lets us understand them," Diarmuid tightens his arms around Shion, before looking questioningly at Reno, "Nightmares?"

For a moment, Reno's hand and Diarmuid's hug overwhelmed him and he shuddered fighting back the urge to cry. He took a deep breath before he could talk again.

"I have them a lot... I figured writing down what I felt after waking up might be useful..."

He knew he couldn't protect people, not even part of the time, he was no hero not like Diarmuid or Reno.

"From the looks of these notes, they are recurrent and often have similar themes. It was a very good idea to write this all down. Dreams can tell a person a lot about themselves," Diarmuid looks at one page of notes where there seems to be a very great deal of writing that he can't make out.

"Can you tell me any of what this says? Somehow, this seems worse than the others..."

(OOC: Zen said we should assume Reno is being quiet for a few tags and that he will jump in again a bit later!)

Shion nodded, that had been his thoughts, that his subconcious might have more insights than he could have awake.

He looked at the paper, noting the date and flinched. "Those were... once I got my heart back. When people were still in the labyrinth." He took a deep breath, not sure he even wanted to read what was written on the paper.

Diarmuid frowns, understanding too well why Shion flinches. Reno had told him about the horrible conversation they had when they both had been without their hearts. His arm tightens around Shion's shoulders.

"One line at a time. If you start feeling overwhelmed stop, but we need to know what is there."

Shion nodded and took a deep breath, he was improving he decided. Only a few months ago he wouldn't have been able to get this far, would have shut down, not been able to continue.

"I kept having nightmares... about the last time they used the labyrinth." He cast his eyes about to Reno, he knew Diarmuid hadn't been in the tower then, and he wasn't sure he could explain it.

"Flash backs twisted into nightmares..." Diarmuid might not have been here when the first event in the Labyrinth happened, but he has been told some about it by Reno and has had flashbacks of his own. Hopefully, that will help him some here.

"One step at a time. You are already doing a lot better than you have in the past. Keep telling yourself that whenever you doubt. They punished you, right? Very cruelly and repeatedly...."

Shion nodded, breathing again, grasping for some kind of distraction to stop his mind from falling, skittering away from him to be lost in the darkness that threatened.

"Yes, for everything I did wrong, and for not knowing enough."

Diarmuid frowns, shaking his head, "No one can know everything, Shion. You shouldn't have been punished for that. And I think you know how I feel about punishing people for mistakes. Everyone makes them. No one should be punished for merely being human."

"Is it getting too hard? Do you need to take a break or can you go on?"

"You could, you could learn everything, otherwise why would people bother to pass down knowledge." He shook his head and took a deep breath. "I'm okay... I just... never..." Never spoke of it. He had never had to since those he was closest to had seen.

"This is the first time?" Diarmuid nods, understanding. "Then make doubly sure to take a break if you need to. We are in no rush. However, I am going to have to disagree with you on the learning thing." He shifts so he can look Shion in the eye, "During my first life, druids and bards were the keepers of knowledge. They had insanely long apprenticeships because there was so much they had to learn, some of their apprenticeships are over 20 years and even then the good ones never stopped learning. I don't think you have even been alive that long, have you?"

Shion nodded and breathed some more, meeting Diarmuid's eyes for a moment before looking away. Twenty years leaning... "I'm eighteen, I started my studies when I was two." But he got kicked out at twelve so it was no where near as long as twenty years of study.

"Twenty years...for the basics even I have heard some say," Diarmuid can't help smiling slightly as he remembers a couple of drunken rants he had once heard. "Everything is a lot, Shion. If I told you I wished to protect everyone, everywhere at all times, you would call me foolish for making that wish, wouldn't you? Wishing to know everything is exactly the same."

Shion nodded, "I know... but still..." He shook his head, "I couldn't answer any of their questions, not just not all of them. Any." He paled again.

"They wouldn't stop hurting him and when I dream, it's not just Rat... it's Reno... and Xion..."

"Of course, it is all of them. They are all people you care about and would never want to see hurt..." While he might not approve of how Shion feels about Rat, the feelings are there and denying them isn't going to change anything, "And, since when does the Tower play fair? You realize they probably picked questions they knew you wouldn't be able to answer."

"Shion, listen..." Diarmuid's voice becomes gentle, "...there is no way you could have won then. Even if you somehow knew everything, there is no way. They would have found some way to make you wrong. It is what they wanted in the end. Not for you to succeed, but for you to fail. Of course, what they don't realize is that once we make the choice to stop letting our failures and mistakes hold us back, each time we fail or each time we make a mistake, we learn and we grow stronger. You are already stronger than you were when we last talked. I know it hurts, but you have made great progress. Let that knowledge temper your pain and push you forward."

Shion nodded, knowing that. The tower knew everything about everyone, it was how they could manipulate them so well, they literally had their souls captured. But knowing and accepting were different.

He moved slightly so he was gripping his knees and nodded. He had to stop letting this hold him back, he had to push forwards and keep going even though it was hard.

"I don't feel stronger... It still hurts."

"It will take time. It always does, but don't let that fool you into thinking nothing has changed. If you are ever in doubt, just ask one of us. We will be able to tell you," Diarmuid knows that them telling Shion won't make him accept it any easier, but he hopes that it will help in some little way. "There are two kinds of strength after all. That which comes from within and that which comes from without. You are the strength within and we as your friends and family are the strength without. If you can't find what you need within, just look without. It will be there."

Shion nodded, he did indeed find a lot of strength from his family and his friends. Even though he couldn't help but think himself a burden on them when he had to rely on their strength to get through.

He was silent a few more moments, staring at the page. "I'm really lucky to have so many people to help me."

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