towerofanimus | I got so brave

Entry tags:

I got so brave

Characters: Summoner and Handmaid
Setting: Stairs and then… elsewhere?????
Format: Action????
Summary: The Summoner looks at his life and his choices. The Handmaid gets an earful about it
Warnings: Romantic incompetence. Everywhere

[He should really get more in the habit of thinking before he does anything]

[This is, of course, not the first time he’s come up with this truly revolutionary new plan for his life, and indeed it will not be the last. He is nothing if not stubbornly incapable of weighing the pros and cons of a decision before slamming into it face first. Kiss first? This is really not a situation he ever thought he’d find himself in, and he is uh… quite distracted this evening, rolling back and forth between whether he is still 0kay with what all happened with the Highblood or not]

[And well… being distracted, while climbing stairs, with dat rack? Only bad things can come of this. Watch out…]

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[...baww Handmaid. Well as time goes on, he kind of... stops quivering at least. His mind isn't any more organized, but the sudden, numb panic reaction has finally worked its way through his body. This is probably not to his benefit in the long run since it was only the OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD thing that was keeping him from crashing completely. But for now he feels... slightly more normal. Only slightly though, and that's obvious in the weird distance in his voice, like he's not really talking to her at all, instead simply voicing a thought to the empty air]

So what do I do now...

[She's pretty much been asking herself that for the last month. For a long moment, she doesn't respond.]

I don't know.

Me neither...

[Well... you're no help at all, Handmaid...! That'll show him for trying to get advice from strangers!!! Or something. Honestly he doesn't really feel like that. He's just kind of... restless now, and he shifts like he might finally leave her alone... Except another wave of... apathy hits him before he gets too far, and so he's back to leaning on her again. No really. What is he supposed to do now...]

Alternia is gone anyway.

[Or at least, she's praying it is. She's starting to get a bit restless, too, because that panic is taking over now.]

[...this is the opposite of what he wants. Although he supposes if he fails in the end... maybe it doesn't matter. If the highbloods really can't be taken down, maybe that's the best thing for them. To all be dead]

[Wow, he hates that that thought even crossed his mind, and he... doesn't respond, kind of locking his jaw and trying to wrestle with all this sudden existential despair]

[Yup that was the extent of her comforting skills. Now she's just sort of... Shifting uncomfortably...]

[...feels her shifting around and... Hm. He doesn't really want to let her go. Like at all. But... courtesy... He's sure she doesn't appreciate him getting all this grow pale snuggly shit on her, and besides he has... sleep he needs to go catch up on. Or something]

[Loosening up one arm is a huge struggle though. He just wants to stay, but... she wants to leave. He has to work this out on his own, remember... Right. Yeah]

[Part of her feels guilty for leaving him, but she is in full freak out mode. Now she's all out squirming. For some reason, she can't bring herself to push him away.]

[... )8 He really wishes she would push him off because he's fighting with himself about letting her go and it's... stupidly hard. Far too hard considering he only barely knows her and she just gave him the worst news he's ever heard in his entire life]

[But... once she starts really squirming he takes... a deep breath and lets go, slowly... pushing himself away. Keeps his eyes lowered cause he's pretty sure if he looked at her, he'd either feel even worse or he'd grab her again. Right... Dealing with this alone...]

[That gets to her again, and she's too stupid to fix it so she just... Stares down at her hands. Why does she care about him? She didn't feel any pity for him when she watched him be captured. Is that what this is? Pity? She can't feel pity for another troll. That isn't the way she was raised, or the way she's wired. They're all the same: Too easy to rile up and too willing to get themselves and everyone around them killed. None of her species is even worth it.

...But he and the Sufferer are trying to better their species, and even if they're stupid for trying, she has to admit it's brave. And what has she done? Made everything they've ever worked for that much harder and ensured their failure and gruesome deaths. The Handmaid lets out a shaky breath and rakes her hands through her hair, curling in on herself slightly. It was so much easier when she didn't have to think, when all she cared about was dying.]

[Oh man. Okay the shaky breath draws his attention despite his desperate attempts to leave her in peace. And the way she's sitting. It just... drags at him. You couldn't help anyone at home, and now you've made this lady miserable by hanging on so long. Fuck]

[Fuck. He reaches out, but... his hand stutters halfway there and sort of... drops awkwardly onto the couch between them. Palm up. An offering. He wants to help. He just wants to help... as many people as he can...]

[It's clear that she's too busy having her own internal breakdown to notice that gesture. English isn't here, but she still can't die. What does that leave for her? What can she possibly do?]

[...HANDMAID NO. AUGHSKDFLKJSDF he's just. Watching her flip, and feeling his own rush of OH GOD WHAT DO coming back. Flipping with her. This is a mutual flip that is happening right now]

[His voice practically cracks trying to get her attention: ]

Coleta.

[Oh that sort of snaps her back to reality for a second, even though she can't quite handle dealing with another person right now.]

What?

[That desperation is back in her voice, and she's very seriously considering just bolting.]

You can, go. If you don't want to be here.

[Yeah, he hears the desperation. And he wants to help, wants to ask what's wrong, but he is just as much a wreck as she is. He knows he wouldn't be able to help with whatever it is that's bothering her, so... hopefully if... she was only staying for him... she won't feel obligated anymore. That is really the best he can do right now );]

[The worst part is, she doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know if being alone with her thoughts will make them easier to sort out, or if it'll just make her hate herself more. She shakes her head, not quite as an answer, but out of confusion.]

[hhhhh sobs he doesn't even know why she's freaking out. PLEASE JUST... STOP... HE CAN'T RIGHT NOW]

[Reaches forward again, a little more deliberately this time, trying to take her wrists in his hands. Calm down. What do you need. Are you flipping because he touched you, or is it something else? Oh god oh god, he cannot deal with all this pity welling up in his chest, the way it stings at the holes in him. Please stop]

[That shocks her into looking up, though the expression on her face probably doesn't make him feel any better. For just a second, she feels a bit calmer when he grabs her wrists, and then the realization that he's actually making her feel sort of better makes her panic again and she inhales sharply.]

[Oh okay OKAY JEEZ. Lets go immediately, looking utterly baffled. So clearly she doesn't want him to touch her. BUT THEN WHY ISN'T SHE LEAVING??? Oh man]

Coleta, what-- [Are you even doing??? He's so confused and hurt and lost, what is he supposed to do here!!!!]

[Even his nickname for her is getting to her now, and she feels an odd rush of relief and disappointment when he lets go. She cannot deal with this anymore, and so she stands up, shaking her head again before turning on her heel and booking it out of there.]

[Watches her go]

[And just]

[Okay then. That was definitely a thing that just happened there]

[Once she's gone and her footsteps have vanished down the hallway, he... feels sort of suddenly empty though? All the sudden pity drains away and he's just... left on the couch, staring out the door and wondering what he did wrong. Wondering what he's going to do now. His mind turns to darker things again and...]

[God he's just. So tired suddenly]

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I got so brave

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