006 ♑ [sixth honk]

[hystericull]

Characters: [OU] Gamzee and [OU] Tavros.
Setting: Floor 35.
Format: Action that may or may not be tl;dr in nature.
Summary: Awkward post-makeout, post-meltdown alien teenage boy conversations.
Warnings: Gamzee's mouth. Secondhand embarrassment to the moon and back.

[Gamzee had never been on this floor. Ever. He was slowly beginning to regret this fact, actually. After his fucking embarrassing freakout, the only options he could see for himself were: a. superglue himself to Karkat for the rest of his life, and b. sit somewhere far away from people and just stay the fuck out of everything and everyone's business.]

[Since Karkat was nowhere in sight, one could safely assume this to be Option B.]

[The reason he'd been regretting not visiting this floor sooner was because, well, it was the closest thing to home that he could remember. Sure, the lake was no ocean, but it was water, and there was sand, and it would do. Fuck, it would have to do. Instead of staring out into the endless horizon, he stared down at the seemingly endless floor of the water. He was tucked away, sitting as close to the water as he could without getting himself soaked, peering down into the lake absently - much like the staring he used to do, only bereft of any sort of wonderment or sleepy enthusiasm, instead replaced with infinite listlessness, and a permanent frown etched on his naked face.]

Comments

[hystericull]

Ahah--!!

[Oh my God, was he serious!? That isn't... holy fuck, was Gamzee ever bad at these things. How the fuck did he manage to fuck that one up so badly!?]

N-no, motherfucker! That ain't all what I be intending to be conveying at motherfuckin' all!

[He was still trying to keep this light. It wasn't a grave misunderstanding - he could easily re-explain himself.]

Be all up an' like losin' the most greatest thing what I all ever was to be having if that were to be the motherfuckin' case, probably.

[He nodded. That was true enough. Tavros was his closest friend. If he lost his little buddy, he... ugh. He wouldn't know what to do.]

I was just all meaning, like, I'd be getting my most humblest of respects on if you all were thinkin' to be goin' down that route, 'cause of what I been having told you earlier, mainly.

[He fidgeted.]

But that don't seem to be the fuckin' case at motherfucking all, so... it's all good, brother!

[Have another smile, although it was a little weaker with Tavros being so accusatory.]

[pushedaround]

Yeah, uh- okay.

I hear ya.

[ He shakes his head slightly, not really getting why he had to bring this up again. They were fine, and everything was ... okay-ish? Tavros is a little upset but that is an expected reaction, considering the fact he really wanted to be in a relationship with him, but it's not working out, and he'll have to accept it. It's cool. It happens. However, Gamzee is really pushing it now.

Is he enjoying this or something? Tavros didn't really understand why he forced him to sit down, talk and all Gamzee had to say is 'Yeah, let's just be friends'. Yeah, he motherfucking knows that shit already! Don't get him wrong, he loves Gamzee, and he wants to be his friend for sure, but damnit he wanted to be more than that! The highblood knows that, so why does he keep rubbing it in his face?

Excuse him while he gently pushed Gamzee's hand away, not really up for any unnecessary physical contact now. It was way too pitiful to his liking. ]

And what was the point of this conversation? I mean- I appreciate that you still want to be my friend. Sorta? But- come on, bro. [ He had to laugh a little at himself, because if he didn't fucking laugh- he'd get all angry again. ]

Let a brother down easy, ya' feel me? I know that we'll still be friends, but that's not what I want to hear right now. [ He shrugs. ] I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

It will get better in time, I promise you. But right now? I just need to- work things out on my own.

[hystericull]

[Gamzee scrunched his face again, feeling his guts scrunch in a similar fashion and returning his discarded hand to his lap awkwardly.]

[He could vaguely remember their first fight, where Tavros had alluded to something more flushed, and Gamzee had completely shut it down. Was... was... what was that!? All he could remember was being so angry. What was Tavros saying to him back then? Did he even listen!? Did he deal to Tavros the same thing he was dealt so long ago, like some sick version of karma? Oh, lords.]

...That ain't what you wanting to be fuckin' hearing?

[He wasn't sure what to say. He wished Tavros would just fucking spell it out for him! His brain was too fucked to process all of this shit, apparently. It was driving him fucki-- okay. No.]

[He cleared his throat, wanting to grab Tavros' arm in a friendly tug, but then remembered he wasn't supposed to be doing those things right now, apparently. He fidgeted again.]

Just tell me, brother. Tell me what it is that you be wanting me to be fuckin' saying at you, then!?

[pushedaround]

Gamzee, just-

[ Oh god, did he seriously ask him that? Tavros didn't know what to do anymore, other than shake his head again and let out a frustrated sigh. ]

You- You won't say anything when I want you to. When I really need you to talk to me, to say something, you lose it. And now .... heh, when I want you not to say anything to me, you just-

[ Don't do this right now. Don't say anything else. Just keep it in- keep it all in. Don't say anything you might regret later.

But, it was too late. Tavros figured that he should spell it out and get it over with. In this very moment, he didn't even care if Gamzee hated him for it. ]

Gamzee, my brother. My best friend. My religious miraculous friend- I know ... I know you don't mean to make me feel this way. I know that you want to make it all better, but ... brother, you can't make this go away. You can't help me in this. You can't ... help me.

[ Stop talking. Just sto- ]

First, you say you love me, and then when I wanted to confess to you, work things out, you didn't let me speak. You didn't let me speak! That was fine, I got over it. Except, I didn't- and I figured, maybe ... just maybe if I wait it will work out. But, brother, the more I wait, the more I see how things are going down between us, how much you changed.

I would give you everything, but my everything is never enough. It's not good enough ...

But, I still .... I still wanted to wait, and then, you brought it up and you- you didn't let me speak again! You just .... brother, you never let me speak. You don't want to hear it. Not from me. Then again, why would you want to hear that kind of things from someone like me?

[ He dropped his arms to his sides, his intense breathing slowing down into an eerie silence, eyes on the ground. ]

I don't want to be mad at you, but I am. I'm angry because you made me feel this way ... Yeah, It's the stupidest reason, but I can't help it. If I don't get angry, it will hurt. And I don't want to hurt anymore ....

[hystericull]

[As Tavros addressed him, he sat there, silent as the grave, in rapt attention. His eyes were wide and focused, if a little confused. As Tavros said his name, the corners of his mouth fluttered upwards, then slowly lost their gravity as he told him that he wasn't helping. Couldn't help him.]

[For the rest of the time that he spoke, Gamzee's smile faded. Occasionally, he'd open his mouth to speak, but would clamp it shut almost immediately, staring from the hands in his lap and back to Tavros - switching targets when the other became too uncomfortable to look at.]

[He remained this way for a while, taking each accusation (true as they were) like a pike through his chest. You can't help. You've changed. Nothing is ever enough. You don't want to hear it. I'm mad at you. He had to swallow them down, past the lump in his throat, like a bitter pill. Well, there it was. Everything he hadn't wanted to be true was more than true. Tavros did feel that way about him, but it was too late. He'd changed, and pretending to be who he wasn't anymore was obviously not working. Worst of all, he made Tavros flushed for him, only to shove it right back in his fucking face. He didn't understand when or why those feelings took form, but it was trivial, now.]

[He thought he would have so much to say in his defense, but he was learning. Nothing he had said thus far had made anything better. And, like Tavros himself had just got done telling him - nothing he did helped.]

[It wasn't motherfucking fair!!! Why the fuck now!? Why when he was Goddamn batshit, thrown around inside his own pan without knowing which way was mother fucking up did this all have to happen!? Gamzee realized he'd been holding in a breath, so he let it out as calmly as he could. It whistled through his teeth in a shaky mess.]

Ain't no fuckin' shame in bein' angry, if that be what you're all feelin' at me.

[He could do this. If he could just say these last things to him, maybe, maybe he could help him feel a little better. If he failed to reach out to him now, he didn't know what he was going to do. This all had been too much, recently. And to add this on top of it was destroying him. He had to keep it together. He couldn't fuck this up any more than he already had.]

Anything you motherfuckin' give at me be worlds of e fuckin' nough, brother. More and more than enoughs, even if--

[He breathed in again. Out again. Don't. Lose it. Slowly, he reached for Tavros' hand, curling his long fingers around the side of it and pressing his fingertips into the warm palm.]

Even if you just fuckin' look at me, it be enough.

[He was shrinking. Impossible for a gangly thing like him, but he was becoming more and more anxious about every word that came out of his mouth. What if it was the wrong thing again? All he knew what to say was how he felt. If how he felt was fucking it up, he had nothing left to offer. He wished so badly that he did.]

You know that. You fuckin' know it, you do.

[His mouth was terribly dry, now. He tried to summon up some saliva so he could keep talking. When he spoke next, it was quiet.]

I know I've changed. Got the wicked info on that noise all motherfuckin' up and force-fed right down into my motherfucking bones, bro. I know. It changed fuckin' everything, me. I never wanted it to change you.

[He broke his gaze from Tavros, staring at the bedsheets.]

But I did. And I fuckin' hurt you, just like I fuckin' always never wanted to be doing. Wanted everything to be fuckin' perfect like what's it all once was being. But I fuckin' fucked that noise all to the ground and fuckin' up, yo. And now you be hurt and I don't fuckin' know what I be, and nothin' I say is makin' it better like it all was used to be doing, and I--

[He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, blinking down at the sheets and praying for all that it was worth that Tavros didn't throw his hand away like he had before. Why didn't he just shut the fuck up? Nothing he was saying was having any positive effect on Tavros anyway.]

I just don't wanna fuckin' hurt you any more. I want... you, but-- I--

[Too much. This was too much. If he said anything more he'd probably dissolve into a puddle of snot. He refused to do that. So he sat there, accepting whatever was gonna happen, scared of everything that could possibly take place as a result of his running mouth.]

[pushedaround]

[ It was too painful. ]

... You can't do this, right?

[ His voice was low and somewhat- understanding. ]

You can't be with me. Not in a red quadrant, anyway. You're so terrified of 'hurting me' and yet by thinking this way, you're-

[ No. Enough. Stop it.

He kept his eyes on the ground, barely open at this point. There was nothing but silence from his end, and that hand Gamzee was so desperately holding it remained motionless, unresponsive to his touch. The anger was slowly melting away and is replaced with nothing but numbness. It didn't hurt anymore. He couldn't feel anything. It was somewhat ... peaceful, calm. He didn't understand what is happening, but he's not fucking complaining.

He allowed his lashes to fall shut, and he stayed this way for a torturing minute or two, and after that- he shifted to Gamzee's side, resting his head on that bony shoulder of his and maneuvering that large horn behind them. He took in a deep inhale throughout his nostrils, chest rising and then falling with an easy sigh. He didn't say anything for another few seconds, merely curling his fingers around Gamzee's, giving him a gentle, very frail, squeeze. ]

I love you, brother.

[ Whether it was in a flushed way or simple friendship, he did truly love him. He never felt this way about anyone in his entire life, and regardless of all his anger and frustration ... Tavros knew he cherished that troll, and he'd stay helplessly in love with him for a very long time. The question is: Did he love him enough to stop being so fucking selfish? Did he love him enough to remain by his side at all times? To accept and embrace his change? If he truly cared about him, he shouldn't be saying all sort of hurtful things and make him that upset.

He messed up again.

His other hand joined in, resting on top of their tangled fingers, giving a reassuring stroke. He sucked in a breath before finally pulling his head away, swallowing thickly, but he kept holding into that hand. ]

I don't know ... I don't know what to do. I-

[ He looks at Gamzee, desperately trying to utter the right words. Say something that would offer some ease for them both. Say the right words to end this! But, he knew he couldn't do it. ]

Karkat?

I should .... get Karkat. You'll feel better ... around him, right?

[hystericull]

[Tavros' words had almost the same effect as if Gamzee were saying them himself. He curled his toes against the floor, digging their nails in in an attempt to distract himself from all of the leaking that his face wanted to do. His eyes fell shut as Tavros put his head against his shoulder. This was everything that he had wanted, so why did it feel so bad?]

I... I don't know. I don't. I--

[Oh, fuck. Tavros was right. He really did need Karkat. Truth was, he'd needed him for a fuckig while now. The time they'd spent together, while calming in the moment, did nothing to sort out the cacophony of shouts echoing between his ears. He relished the warmth those hands had given him, surrounding his own freezing one. He'd pressed his face into that overgrown Mohawk before it was pulled away.]

I love you for always, brother. Loved you always, will keep on feeling like that way for always motherfuckin' more.

[He sniffed his nose, unapparent to whether or not it was because he was getting overwhelmed, or if it was just an involuntary action.]

I just wanna be all at close to your fuckin' self, you know? We bros, bro. We'll be workin' this shit the motherfuck out, we all fuckin' will.

[Work it out. This wasn't their last moment in the Tower. They didn't have to decide anything final right this second. Just... take it slow. Things need time to heal. Be his brother first, everything else second.]

Just... it'll be okay, Tav. It all'll be fuckin' wicked. Promise.

[pushedaround]

I-

Yeah, uh, okay. Okay, brother.

[ He smiled a little. A part of him wanted to be comforted by Gamzee's words, but he knew -considering how things are going- they wouldn't be able to go far. He really didn't enjoy being so negative. I mean- it would be nice to look on the bright side, wish for more and have that sense of anticipation that makes you want to persuade your goal. However, he had to be realistic and acknowledge that he needed to focus on what is best for them, and not on what he wants.

For now, however, he decided to put that subject aside. Not discuss it and simply- move on. It all comes down to Gamzee at this point, and he's completely fine with that. ]

It's all good, my friend. Let's just ... leave it at that, for now, and ... uh, try to have some fun while we're at it. Be bros, you know? Heh.

[ Yeah, that's all they can do now. Tavros didn't want to talk about it anymore, only because they somehow managed to ease some of the tension between them, and it was .... good. Things were finally decent, and he was so terrified of fucking it up again. Based on that, he decided it was the perfect time to excuse himself. And so, he held into that hand again, guiding it up and he ... gently pressed a kiss against the back of those lean fingers, more in an apologetic manner than affectionate. ]

... I should leave, though. [ He cleared his throat as he released Gamzee's hand, shifting to the edge of the bed and standing up. ] I, uh, need to rest. I'm not feeling very well, and I don't want to .... say or do anything that might upset you again.

I will, uh, visit you later. If you want? To check on you, so-

[hystericull]

Yeah...

[He watched as Tavros placed a kiss to the back of his knuckles, felt the searing purple flare up in his cheeks and his everywhere, deepening even further after he'd realized that there was no facepaint to hide it... again. Held his breath as he watched him rise from the bed, eyes never straying from each action. He was just about speechless. He didn't know what was going to happen, or how this would effect them, but he was going to see it through, no matter what it was. His tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of his mouth, which was subsequently filled with wet cotton.]

[After just a moment, Gamzee cleared his throat, scrambling to the edge of the bed, bracing himself to stand as well, then... relaxing his muscles to remain seated. His eyes lifted to meet Tavros', a tired smile stretching across his lips.]

I'll motherfucking get my find on of you, bro. No worries.

[After they'd said their goodbyes, Gamzee's tongue plastered itself upwards again as he watched Tavros walk across the room. Watched him turn the doorknob, gave him a wave as he slipped through the door and continued staring at it as it fell shut with a click.]

[That was when he felt his heart hurt, slumped over until his forehead touched his knees, until he was staring at nothing but his twisted, useless ankle. He stared at it for just a second before it blurred, and drops of lavender cold began to drip onto his bare feet.]