towerofanimus | [OPEN] you waste your time with hate and regret

Characters: Jade!Eridan Ampora('s half dead carcass) and YOU.
Setting: Floor 12.
Format: Action, but I'll match you.
Summary: Nobody told Eridan sleeping in this cold is a bad, bad idea. What did you expect from him? He knows how to survive extreme heat, not extreme cold.
Warnings: Jadeblood popcicles. Jadeblood popcicles for everyone. Also Eridan sliding down the slippery slope of murderously batshit crazy, yay.

[Watching the universes ending and stars imploding and the whole thing... it's rather soothing. Sort of. Eridan was in dire need of soothing things, to put his mind back together. He'd intended to maybe sit there for a couple hours, watching the stars dying, and trying to calm himself down from an abrupt, nonsensical rage that even he could tell was irrational. He'd been pushing down a bubble of hysteria for the better part of four days now, mostly because hysteria meant bad, bad things for all involved, but maybe if he went at it slowly, it wouldn't be so bad. Because meltdowns totally work that way, obviously. Though even he had to admit that he couldn't keep on pretending everything was right and peachy. Putting on a smile and going through the motions was getting almost physically painful, but he didn't want anyone to get hurt. (And of course, being a responsible troll and asking Jade for a feelings jam was not an idea that occurred to him, either, because what is doing the right thing, haha, you must have confused him for someone else, Eridan Ampora never does the right thing unless Paradox Space has him at metaphorical gun point about it.)

Eridan watched the cycles of destruction repeat over and over again, while he tried to put order to the mess that is his head, but it wasn't long before he started feeling sleepy instead. Not really knowing any better, and given the alternative was thinking more about Rei and such, he started nodding off, fueled by the cold.

Which is why you'll find him tucked away in a corner of the room, face buried into his knees, arms around his ankles and limbs already stiff. The sleeves of that jacket have been brutalized already, but hey. At least there isn't a single bloodstain on this floor.

Yet.]

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[He makes little distress noises at that, slowly quieting down even as he continues to shake.

And then, very, very quietly, in the most hoarse, broken voice:]

I killed Rei.

[Jade couldn't claim to know who Rei was, but the words "I killed" followed by a name was rarely a positive thing.

She released the hug just slightly, not pulling away from the news, but simply getting a bit loose so that she could look him in the face again. And, because he was kind of y'know ridiculous freezing cold. Not that the outside was much warmer though.

When she spoke, there was more concern in her voice than she'd normally allow.] What happened...?

[His eyes slide close, even as he slowly lets himself bend to his knees, burying his face into her shirt.

And then he just cried.]

[The reaction was....surprising. And for a moment she's just kind of shocked, and worried, and her stomach's starting to churn from anxiousness and she just reflected on how much that sucked. But once that moment passed, she carefully kneeled down next to him, moving his head back to her shoulder and hugging him tightly once more.]

Sh-Shhhhh... come on man, it'll be OK...

[Not really a promise she could make, but it was the best she could think to do right now.]

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of making a mess and hurting people and why does it always end up with someone dead.

[He's heaving a little, breathing too hard and too fast and the cold air burns bad enough his mouth tastes like blood and it sucks and he's tired and angry.]

'Cause... [Augh, don't even try. Did she really have an answer to that?]

It's not all your fault, it's the whole stupid fucking place that's a mess. This place, and other people, and I don't think there's a goddamn person in this place that has any of their shit together anyway.

It's always my fucking fault.

[He started growling again. It began low, but gained on volume and he had enough presence of mind to let go of her so he could scratch at the floor, rather than her back.]

Most fuckers around here have enough shit together to know if they want to murder everyone or not.

[The growling was-- OK, she'll admit it. To herself, at least; it was kind of fucking terrifying when it was so close to her ear. In the next minute though, he was suddenly clawing at the floor which....admittedly was not a very nice sound. But she sure as fuck wasn't letting go of him.]

Fuck, you really think you'd be flipping your shit this much if you wanted to kill everyone? No one even dies around here for real anyway. [Which was...kind of weird to admit, but hey, it was true.]

[Hissing.]

I'm flipping my fucking shit, Strider, because I know I'll bounce back from this and then the screaming will shut the fuck up--

[Yeah, there's no screaming except his own occasional shouting, but that's only because you're not inside his head.]

And I'll stop seeing corpses where it's just people. It always goes away, in the end, and then I feel like fucking shit because someone is hurt or dead or shit, and it's my fault because I know rationally what I'm doing is wrong, but it feels so fucking good. It fucking hurts to resist it, but I know I'll regret it. And when it's gone, it makes me feel sick that I felt that way, but I still kind of miss it all the fucking same.

[If there were ever a conversation that convinced her that she wasn't cut out for this kind of thing, this would be it.]

I-I....[What the fuck was she supposed to say to that?]

I don't know, some folks just... It's like some people got this shit inside of them I guess, but... I-I guess it's sort of like impulse control... I guess it just depends on what you're really thinking and feelin'..

...I don't. Like. Hurting. People.

[His words are stilted and kind of forced, as he passes air through his teeth and his shoulders continue shaking. He's caught somewhere between crying and howling still, teeth grinding.]

I don't want to. But then who qualifies as a person and who doesn't... changes. Between now and then.

[There's a pause. And then the tone of voice turns almost conversational. Let's talk about the weather, yes. Except not really.]

I remember snapping at Equius, but I don't even remember what I said.

[A small, significant pause.]

Or did.

[Black outs? That was...kind of...concerning.]

No way you did anything to Equius, you been makin' embarrassing noises of adoration for him for fuckin' months!

[OK that time scale was probably a bit off, but that wasn't the important part here.]

I don't give a shit if you think you're just some crazy rabid animal or what the fuck ever on the inside, you're better than that!

...but what if I'm not.

[Because seriously? Seriously. That was fucking terrifying and can we never ever do it again? He doesn't want to do that ever again.]

[She releases her borderline cling, only so she could put her hands on his shoulders and look at him straight in the eye. To the point sh even peered over the top of her sunglasses so her ridiculous red irises were clearly evident.]

Then fuck that. You are. Someone who was a shittier person than you wouldn't have helped a fucking slob like me, and someone who was a shittier person than you wouldn't have sacrificed basically everything he had and his own fucking existence to save a bunch of dead kids.

And I don't care if that was back during the game, it still fucking counts!

...yeah, but what if I'm... what if I'm not that person anymore?

[Eridan wilts a little more.]

I never... I didn't feel this way, then.

[He swallows hard.]

It's scary.

[Scary is such a small, bland word for it, really. It terrifies him. It disgusts him. It goes against everything he's ever thought he was.]

['Scary' was a stupid word. And it was a really dumb and simple word that should've only been applied sarcastically to b-grade summer horror movies.

But right now it's-- a surprisingly scary word.

She looked a bit crestfallen, but she sure as hell wasn't anywhere close to giving up.]

This stupid place may have changed how you feel someways, b-but. It's still not gonna change who Eridan Ampora is.

[She took a breath here, trying to calm herself down just as much as she's trying to help Eri.] And I still think the guy in front of me is a pretty cool cat.

[OPEN] you waste your time with hate and regret

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