towerofanimus | I Don't Think That's How...

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I Don't Think That's How...

Characters: Zero Lancer and whoever would like to join!
Setting: Starting in room 4-16, then heading to the cafeteria, and from there floor six.
Format: Whatever you would like!
Summary: Zero Lancer wakes up in a strange place and tries to figure out what's going on.
Warnings: Spoilers for Lancer's end in the series.

Room 4-16

[The moment he is able to move from the strange paralysis that has gripped him upon waking, Lancer's hand sweeps out to grab one of the two letters his eyes spot on the table near his bed. While the time he's been unable to move has been brief, for a trained warrior in a unfamiliar place, that time has still seemed like an eternity.

An eternity trapped in mystery. An eternity not knowing if his master...]

Right, my master...

[The word drips with an anger unusual to him as his empty hand rises to rest over his heart--over the place where there should have been a gaping hole from the spear he had been forced to drive through his own chest.

The wound is no longer there.]

What is going on? How can this be?

[Lancer's eyes focus back on the letter in his hand and he quickly opens it. After only a few moments, the letter floats onto his bed. Dropped in surprise? Shock? He's not really sure what to call the feeling that tears through his heart. Shock he had felt when he had been betrayed by the master he'd given everything to. Surprise he had felt when he realized, in those final moments, how angry it had made him.

The emotion he feels now that he has been told that his world is dead and he is still alive instead of it being the other way around is something he can't put a name to. And while he doesn't know what to call that emotion, he does know he can't just keep sitting on the bed in this strange place wondering what's going on.

Lancer quickly rises to his feet and summons his armor and spear to his side. The summoning is as natural to him as breathing and he never once doubts that they will come when called. He does, however, notice that while the white outfit had woke up in is now gone, the collar is still there. It's an annoyance, but something he can deal with later once he's gotten some answers.

He's about to leave his room when the trunk at the end of his bed catches his eye. He's not quite sure why, but he gets the feeling he should really look into it before leaving. If the letters had held information, then why not the trunk as well?

Anyone who happens by 4-16 and looks or stops in may find him still kneeling in front of the now opened trunk. Asking about what looks to be the tears in the corners of his eyes may or may not be a good idea.]

The Cafeteria

[While servants technically don't have to eat, since Lancer has no idea how things work in this strange place, he is currently eating a bowl of very tasteless oatmeal. Not that it really bothers him considering some of the things he had eaten while in the Fianna and on the run from Fionn. Tasteless actually is an improvement from what some of those things had tasted like.

To be honest, he's not here for the food anyway. Since the cafeteria was mentioned in the letter, it only stands to reason that a good number of people would be there--new and old alike. And that does seem to be the case, so the servant in green sits at one of the cafeteria tables slowly making his way through his own bowl, his head bowed over it almost as if he's shy. While he's not really shy, he is somewhat worried about his curse and how it will affect the people here. So far, though, no one seems to be having troubles with it leading him to hope that it's not active. Those who take the time to look into his eyes will find that, far from looking shy, they are observing the room and its occupants with an intensity that only those who have fought many many a battle can achieve.]

Floor Six

[After learning all he can in the cafeteria, Lancer decides to slowly start making his way back up the tower so that he can find out what secrets each floor holds. Already he's heard tell that many of the floors are dangerous and even deadly to those who make a misstep on them, but this floor seems far too peaceful for that. He takes a few steps away from the stairway, but doesn't go too far, keeping in mind the things he had overheard from others. How some floors look completely safe, only to become deathtraps in the blink of an eye.

Movement to his left draws Lancer's attention, but he smiles when he notices it's just a deer. A...mutated deer, but a deer just the same. In all honesty, it's not the strangest thing he's seen. He grew up in a world of oddities after all.

The deer watches him for a few moments longer before disappearing back into the forest. As it disappears, Lancer closes his eyes and draws in a deep breath. Maybe it is just because of what he found in his trunk, but this forest with all its oddities makes him feel strangely at home.

Unconsciously, his hand raises to touch the torc that sits tightly around his neck slightly above the collar. He could have worn it lower as he had when it had first been given to him, but no. Lancer can't stand the idea of the gift Oscar had spent so much time finding for him being hidden by that thing...that annoyance he still hasn't found a way to be rid of.

And so he stands there, lost in thought. Thoughts of the old days, of his old friends, things supposedly on a world that might or might not have been destroyed. He still isn't sure what he believes. He just knows that at least here he has these small things, these memories.

He didn't have any of that in the war...]

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I'd like that.

I am. I'm very lucky to know them. All I want is for them to be happy again. [It's not too much to ask, is it? All his life, his family has denied him the things he wanted. He just wants this one thing, and it isn't even for himself (he thinks).] If that happens, nothing else matters. [Even if he can't be part of that happiness, considering what he's become. He knows he's not the man he used to be, the man in that picture. Not anymore.]

Can I ask you why you were fighting? You don't have to answer.

[Maybe he'd wanted to return to his family. That's what Kariya would have wished for, in his place. To have a real family...]

My wish...

[Lancer laughs bitterly.]

My wish didn't even require the Grail to fulfill. All my master needed to do was let me serve him faithfully to the end. My only interest in the Grail was because he wanted it...

...And I don't know if he even had a wish of his own!

[A sudden anger fills Lancer's voice.]

He probably just wanted it to prove how much better he was than everyone else! What kind of wish is that? How did he even have the right to be in the same war as someone like you or Saber?

To serve him faithfully? That's what you wanted?

[To Kariya, it's not such a strange wish. In a way, that's what he's doing for Sakura, and through her, Aoi. He'll be faithful to them, always.

He can understand Lancer's anger. It's not for the same reasons, but it's an anger he feels an echo of in himself. He knows that bitterness. Lancer's Master was like Tokiomi, who would throw away something precious for something that didn't even matter. He frowns.

But unlike his own wish, which requires him to return to the War, Lancer's seems more straightforward to him.]

Your Master's wish isn't a wish at all, if that's what it was. It's just vanity. He didn't deserve a Servant like you.

But you can still have your wish, can't you? You don't need the Grail War to serve someone. You can do it on your own. You can find someone else to serve.

In my first life, I was forced to betray my lord and master. It ultimately lead to my death. And while I never blamed him for his anger, I did wish that I could have served him more faithfully. There is no way I can do that now, obviously, so I was willing to serve whoever was chosen for me to serve. I thought then that would be good enough.

[Lancer pauses and shakes his head.]

I was so wrong. That man never understood my wish. He even went so far as to dare to accuse me of lying about something so close to my heart. Serving him...meant nothing and probably would have continued to mean nothing even if we had been successful in the end.

Now...now I could find someone to serve. I just don't know where to begin and I suspect a great many people I run into here will think me a fool for not taking my freedom and running with it. I don't know if they can understand how...empty and directionless I feel without a master, though. I'm not used to making decisions based solely on what I want. It has always been what my master wants. Thinking of what I want just seems selfish.

[Kariya can relate. It's in part because of his own mistakes that he took on the worms and decided to take part in the War. He still thinks it's his fault, in part, that Sakura ended up where she is. He hadn't produced an heir with magic circuits. Worse, he hadn't said anything to Aoi about his feelings. He'd always run away. No longer.]

Maybe it means more, if you choose who to serve. Having it forced on you isn't the same. You ended up with a Master who wasn't worth serving. He didn't care. He was selfish and cruel.

[Maybe he's talking about Zouken as well as Kayneth.

Choosing to help Sakura: that had meant something. That was why he could carry on.]

I don't think it's a foolish wish. It's good to have ties. To have a reason for living. I don't know what I'd do, without my nieces and Aoi to care for and help. I always felt directionless, when I wasn't with them. [They were all he'd wanted and needed.] There are a lot of kind people in the Tower, and people who need help. I'm sure you could find someone worth serving. I know there are other Servants here who have. [Rin had Archer, and Lancer had found a new Master, hadn't he?]

[Lancer is quiet for a moment, his expression, uncertain.]

Is it really worth doing that though? Most everyone here wants to leave. Is it right for me to become attached to them? Cause them grief it they find a way to return to their homes only to have to leave me in a place like this? Or even worse, know that I will cease to exist when I return to my own? While that would allow me to fulfill my wish, it would also cause them pain.

I-I don't know if I can do that. Maybe it would be best if I remain on my own--a shadow working to help others and nothing else.

[He's caught between two hard choices right now. It's obvious the last thing Lancer wants is to be completely alone, but at the same time the idea of possibly causing pain to another just so he doesn't have to be makes him sick.]

I know everyone wants to leave, but while they're here, it helps them to have people to care about. Who care about them. I think that's important. With the things that happen here... [He trails off. He doesn't want to go into detail.]

I made a friend here who left. Her name was Eva. She's gone now, but I still remember her. I hope that she's home and safe. I don't think it was wrong to care for her and try to help her. Even if I miss her, I wouldn't want to have not known her. I know you'll cease to exist when you leave, but I'm glad we've talked, too. [Even if Sakura will have to grow up without him, after the War, he still wants to help her, though he doesn't want her to grieve. It wouldn't have been better not to know her. He could never think that.] We never could have talked during the War.

You're not a shadow. You're a person. This is another chance for you. You said that yourself.

[Lancer shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. It's a good several moments before he opens then again.]

You're right. I'm sorry. It's just hard for me not to slip sometimes. So many people who I have trusted my all to have thrown me away like I am nothing. After a while, it's hard not to believe that they are right especially when it has happened more than once.

[He hadn't ever been angry at Fionn for what he had done back then. Lancer had always felt that his death had been the result of his own actions. He'd known the night he'd left with Grainne that things could only end with his death. He had accepted it.

But...could things have been different? Might there have been a way for him to live long enough to see his children grow up if Fionn had only taken the time to think beyond his anger? To realize that Lancer himself had been as much a victim of the situation as his master had been?

Back then Lancer had never been angry. Now, he's starting to realize that he is angry. Very angry.]

Hopefully, choosing my own master will help change that. There must be someone out there who I can help and will value me for me as well.

[He nods in empathy.]

You don't have to apologize. I understand how you feel. It was different, but I've been thrown away, too. Treated like nothing. Back home. That's why–

[He'd left his family, but really, they had treated him like trash, even before that. For those people who should have cared about him, he might as well not have been himself at all. He was a collection of magic circuits, and nothing else about him mattered.] There was no one to help me, and no one else to save Sakura.

That's why I was all alone. That's why I had to do this, and why I have to get back. [That was why everything had happened the way it had. He glances down at himself, his wasted body, gives another cough, as if being reminded anew of his condition agitates it.]

Someone would have to be foolish not to value you. There's no shortage of people here who need help, good people, so I know you can find someone. [Instead of mad, intractable Berserker, who wouldn't fight the way he wanted without him struggling to control him.] I wish I had a Servant more like you.

Edited 2013-01-12 23:48 (UTC)

It sure seems that for a war which is suppose to give us all a good chance to win our wishes, none of us were paired up very well, were we?

[Despite those words, Lancer smiles.]

But no matter. You will return and you will find a way to win so that you can have your wish. It's just a shame I cannot go with you and aid you with your fight. Surely supporting one such as myself would be easier on your body than a Berserker, and I would never question serving you or your goal. In fact, I would be honored to have the chance especially after my last master.

[The smile suddenly fades from Lancer's face.]

It grieves me to think that your family and that of my master's are the usual for mages in this day. I don't understand how people can be so cruel to one another. Back in my time, even if you didn't like someone you gave them the respect they deserved for you never knew when they might be the sword at your back. Now, all anyone thinks of is themselves.

Maybe you're right. Maybe it's meant to be a challenge. I wish it wasn't.

[He shakes his head, with a rueful smile of his own. The scenario Diarmuid describes isn't a possible one, not now, and it's too bad.]

Thank you. I'd like that, and I would be honored, too. I would try to be a good Master for you. You should be able to have your wish. Maybe if things had been different... but even if it's harder, I can't be too sorry to have Berserker. [It's what he has to deal with, and he'll make the best of it. In some ways, he's not so different from Berserker. At times, he can feel that rage, that lack of control– But he doesn't mention it to Diarmuid.] He's the strongest Servant. I know we can win. Even if it takes everything I have. [Which it undeniably will.

The change of subject has a visible effect on Kariya.]

My family's magic is purposely cruel. I can't describe to you– [He breaks off. The thought of what Zouken is doing and has already done to Sakura is too horrible for him to speak of without getting upset. He coughs again as his own anger rises, a wetness in the sound now. The "veins" in his face pulse. If not for Zouken and Tokiomi, he wouldn't have had anything to do with the War.] The old magi are selfish and petty and greedy. They only care about furthering their own power. They have no respect for anyone. I wish I hadn't been born a magus.

For something so valuable, I would never expect it to be easy, but when failure could very well mean death and in most causes does for you masters, I would expect something--I don't know--a little more fair, maybe?

[Lancer turns away and laughs bitterly.]

That sounds so childish, doesn't it? Expecting anything in this world to be fair. No battle is ever fair. We just wish it could be so that what is noble and right will always triumph.

[He looks back at Kariya in alarm when he notices how upset the man is getting and how it's affecting his body. Gently, Lancer touches the other man's arm and then speaks in a soft voice.]

You are right to feel that way, but please calm yourself. You cannot allow your condition to worsen before you can get back home. Save your anger until then when it can be focused and directed at those who should feel its wrath.

Nothing's fair. Life is full of injustice. [In his experience, it always has been.] I only want to put one thing right.

It isn't childish. Maybe it's better to think that way. I just want to win, that's all. [Diarmuid, he thinks, is more noble than he is. He's less of a man than he used to be, in some ways. He doesn't care if he wins nobly, so long as he wins. And maybe there's something ignoble about it, about his desire to kill Tokiomi, to win no matter what.

He nods. He should grow calmer, it's true. There's blood at the corner of his mouth and his eye. He coughs again.] It's hard. I don't always think clearly. [He hates that most of all, in some ways, more than the pain, when his mind runs away from him and he loses, more troubling than his strength, his self.] But I have to stay strong, for Sakura's sake.

[Lancer winces at that and gently squeezes Kariya's arm. Losing control of one's mind? He can remember all too clearly what it's like to do that. To be forced to watch yourself act in a way you don't want to...]

You cannot let fear of this rule you. Your goal is noble and right. That is the important thing. Focus on that during those times when you cannot control your mind and your mind will come back to you. I know, this may sound like impossible advice, but if you prepare yourself for those times and know what you want to do when they happen, eventually you may find yourself able to have some measure of control even when you do not.

[His eyes worry as they fall on the blood that has spilled onto the other man's face.]

Are you sure you are all right? I can see you to your healer if you need to see her. It will be no trouble.

I try. I try not to. But it's the worms– What's happening inside of me, it won't stop. I knew this was going to happen when I agreed to it, but it's only going to get worse. I know, sometime, I won't be able to stop it.

But you're right. If I think of Sakura, it makes it easier. I have to remember her. [He pictures her face, remembering why he's doing this.] She's what matters most.

No, I'll be fine. This happens sometimes. [He reaches up to wipe the blood away, growing conscious of it.] It isn't serious. [Or at least, not comparatively.] I don't need to disturb Ishtar for this. I was a little upset, that's all.

[Lancer squeezes his eyes shut, a look of helplessness crossing his face.]

It's a shame that there isn't a way to wish for you to regain your health on top of your wish for Sakura. She will be so sad without you around even if she doesn't know why. You are doing such a great thing for her.

[He stops himself short of saying 'it's not fair' again since it will help no one.]

I just wanted to make sure you were okay since it was my fault you get so upset in the first place. I didn't stop to think that my words might anger you so much.

I'm not going to make a wish on the Grail. When I win, I'm going to give the Grail to my uncle– [Well, not really his uncle, but close enough.] And he'll let Sakura go. That was our bargain.

[He's doing what he can to carry out his half of it, no matter how much he hates Zouken.]

I told her I was going away. I hope she'll think kindly of her uncle, even if I don't come back. I'm only doing what I have to do. If I didn't do it, then what kind of man would I be? I can't let her keep suffering like that.

It isn't your fault. You didn't know. You don't know what my family's like. Or what they've done. I tried to escape them, but I never will now. That's all. [It's frustrating and infuriating, and his condition doesn't help things. When he thinks about them, he can't help but feel upset by what they've done to him and Sakura.]

Is that wise?

[Lancer's eyes fill with concern.]

I don't mean to question you, but I just fear that your uncle will not keep his end of the bargain. Not with what you have told me about your family and what they think of you. Wouldn't it be safer to take the Grail yourself and make the wish? That way you will know for sure she will be safe. The Grail's power is absolute. There is no way they will be able to go against a wish made on it no matter how strong they are!

Please, though, don't say you will never escape them. You will be free of them someday once you have fulfilled your duty to help Sakura and then you will be able to watch over her as much as you wish without their interference.

[The words aren't the most comforting. After all, ideally Kariya would be able to stay with Sakura and watch over her in person, but if Fate will have it no other way and the man is doomed to die, at the very least, in death he will escape all that is binding him and be able to watch over the one he so cares about without being held back by a broken body and a family that cares more about power than him.]

[To make a wish for himself. What would that be like? He doesn't feel he deserves a wish of his own. Not after what he's done and failed to do. He just wants to help Sakura and fade away. As for what he really wants, it's too selfish for him to ask for that.]

I understand why you'd think that. You're right, but I didn't have a choice. I wasn't a strong enough magus on my own. That was the only way Zouken would let me train, so I could enter the War. [If "training" was really what you could call the torture he'd gone through.

But what Diarmuid says does make sense. How can he trust Zouken? It's just that the situation is a difficult one. It's not as easy as just making a wish. Maybe he's being foolish, but he wants to believe this isn't all for nothing.]

Zouken– my uncle– is very powerful. You don't know what he might be capable of, and I made him a promise.

[He knows what Diarmuid means. There will be some end to his suffering.]

You're right. It's going to end once the War is over. [He looks down. That's why I have to get back and finish what I've started. Once Sakura is happy, nothing else will matter.

[Lancer bows his head, and nods. He still doesn't like what he's hearing, but...]

If that is what you believe, then I will not question farther. I just was worried and it would have been wrong of me not to ask. I will pray that at least in this, they keep their word to you.

[Even if he has a bad feeling they will not.]

No matter what they say about you, remember you are a hundred times the man any of them will ever be. Even when the end comes, know that while they may have controlled you for so long, you are the strong one. You are the one who sacrificed. And you are the one who was brave enough to see everything through to its rightful conclusion. They might be the ones with the power, but it will be you who is remembered as a hero.

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I Don't Think That's How...

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