towerofanimus | ⚙ 003;

Entry tags:

⚙ 003;

Characters: Labrys and you!
Setting: Around the tower
Format: I'll try to match.
Summary: Labrys doesn't age. She deals with it, learns new things, and fights in her spare time. (Go ahead and establish pre-existing relationships if you like!)
Warnings: None currently.

[dormitory floors]

[There was some part of her that knew exactly how long it had been. Buried deep in calculations, in strings of binary ones and zeroes was an internal clock that ticked away the hours, days, months, and years. But she didn't dare look, not anymore. Deep down Labrys feared that if she truly knew how long she had spent in the tower, her mechanical heart might just break on the spot.]

[Maybe there was a measure of denial to it all. If she'd spent too long in the tower, then she'd have failed in her promise to find her 'mother'. Assuming their world was in fact still unharmed, which was a belief Labrys had kept for however long it had been. If she knew for certain how long it had been, she'd know whether or not she failed. No, it was best to continue on as things were.]

[And as things were, she'd matured in mind while remaining static in form. This was a body that would not, could not age like those of her friends. The only visible change in Labrys was the matured, proud way in which she carried herself; joyful cheeriness had faded to quiet compassion and a caring smile for those around her. Most of her childlike curiosity had faded as well; she still carried a genuine interest in the world around her, of course, but as time passed she learned most of the basic things any normal human might know.]

[There were many days where she wandered the dorm floors idly, with no real goal in mind other than to talk to people. Make them feel welcomed and cared about, like she knew humans so desperately needed to be in times like this. It was on such a day where she stopped and looked to whoever was passing by at that moment, speaking in a thickly accented voice that had lost a bit of its coarseness over time:]

Hey, you. What're ya doin'?

[floor 28]

[When things were peaceful and there were no experiments being run, Labrys enjoyed distracting herself with learning new things. Idly she wondered if it was easier for an android to pick up something new; humans didn't think in terms of data entry and analysis. That was one of the things she liked so much about them. People were so abstract, confusing her in the most fascinating ways much like her own heart tended to.]

[In recent weeks it had been the piano that caught her eye; she hadn't yet taught herself an instrument, so it sounded like a fun thing to try. The robot girl minus her Yasogami uniform sat down at the instrument and pressed metal fingers to white keys, gradually starting to pick out a tune that gained pace as she became a little more confident with it.]

[floor 25]

[She always came back to this place. Nearly every day, in fact. She loved the meadow dearly, and often took time to appreciate the vibrant flowers. This was a peaceful place of life in a tower that seemed so focused on death. And much like Labrys herself...it never seemed to change. Maybe that was something reassuring, if she worried about her age or lack thereof. If that was ever a concern, she didn't show it. There wasn't much point upsetting people by crying over the obvious unsolveable problems.]

[basically anywhere else]

[There was always one persistent problem; the monsters within the Tower's walls. maybe someone was cornered by them, maybe they were just grouped in too large a number. No matter the exact reason, the metal girl floating with the thruster-equipped axe attached to her back would as usual take control of the situation.]

Pasiphaë! [Before her appeared a semitransparent spirit--a shining woman colored in sapphire and glittering like starlight. Upon her head were the horns of a bull, and in her hands a burning flame that radiated the warmth of the sun.]

[At her back Labrys held out her hand; Pasiphaë raised the flame above her head in response.]

Mahama! [The rustling of talisman paper, a flash of divine light...and the monsters were gone. Her Persona vanishing, a satisfied Labrys alighted on the ground with a smile.]

And that's how it's done.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...I wasn't.

[She spoke quietly, the melody beginning to slow as she did. Something about Lancer had...changed, with time. Changed in a manner she could put neither words nor analysis to, and yet set her ever so slightly on edge.]

But I'm kinda running out of things to do when it gets quiet 'round here. Sometimes I just pick up some books on a subject and start readin', see where it gets me.

And you still find joy in that? You still find new things to learn even after all this time?

[He closes the distance between them casually not wishing to put her on alert. He knows she's a skilled fighter. He remembers--vaguely--a time when she trusted him at her back when they fought the monsters of the tower.

That time is no longer and he also knows it's his fault. He's just not sure why.]

Then you are luckier than I. I wish such simple things could still give me joy.

[There was something about him these days that registered strangely to Labrys; it felt too like a Shadow for her to be at ease. What passed for 'instinct' with her demanded she either attack or escape, but it was the human part of her that stayed. No matter how he changed, she knew he was still Lancer...and it was that part of her that worried about him.]

There's a lotta stuff to learn, if you ain't really been out in the world. I never even saw instruments like these until I got to the Tower.

[She glanced up at him as red and silver hands stilled, concern mixed with something almost remorseful on her face.]

...You really ain't happy anymore, are ya?

I think I have forgotten how to be happy, truth be told.

[Lancer is somewhat surprised at how honest he is with her, but then again, it has always been that way between them. She was the first person who had understood him in this place and for all he knew, she might be the last person to understand him as well.]

For a while, I looked for excitement, but nothing excites me anymore. Then I looked for a challenge, but very little remains in this place to challenge me. Now, I look for anything that might hold the vaguest interest for me...

...and I find nothing.

[His hand lovely drifts across the piano's top.]

There was a time once, that I wanted to learn how to play something...anything. But the music is dead in me now. Just like everything else.

...why?

[She stood up, half wanting to cry over whatever coud have happened and half wanting to shake him for being so stupid.]

There's gotta be somethin'! I mean, is...is there really nothing left? You're...not gonna smile again?

I...don't know. You'd think if there was something, I would have found it in a thousand years of searching.

[He seems genuinely confused and in no small way frustrated.]

And I know there are things that might make me smile if I could only let myself think of them, but when I do...

[The pain in there. Clouding his mind. Forcing him away from all those things that might somehow bring him comfort.

And the voice is there. Whispering that he doesn't have the right to think of those things. That he doesn't have the right to be happy after all he's failed to do.]

What happened to you?

[She straightened up, childish bursts of emotion long since gone and replaced by a mature and serious demeanor.]

People like us...we ain't the kind to change. You and me ain't gonna die of old age like humans do. So is this it? Are we both just goin' to spiral into some messed-up insane wrecks and live like that until I rust over or somethin'?

[Labrys' hands curled into fists out of frustration, voice urgent and strained.]

I miss how we used t' smile and laugh together. You were my friend, maybe even somethin' like family, and now just bein' around you sets all my sensors off. What's wrong with you and why can't I fix it?!

[Lancer starts and winces at the strength of the emotion in her voice. He hadn't expected her to react so strongly. No one, no one really cares that much about him anymore, do they?]

I-I don't know. I wish I did! I miss those days too! I don't know how things ended up this way!

[He turns away angrily, pacing a few steps away before turning back. For a moment he looks at his hands as if deciding what to do with them, then he brings them to rest over his heart.]

There is something. Something inside of me. Whenever I try to think of the things I remember making me happy, it hurts me. It tells me I have no right to defile their memories with my failure. I-I don't know where it came from...

[Lancer pauses and then his head bows and his voice drops to a whisper.]

No, I do. It's always been there. It woke up after I was betrayed in the war and it's been there ever sense. I think...I think it might be all that's there now...

...we ain't failures.

[She closed the distance between them with a few quick steps, bringing her hands to rest over his.]

Havin' a heart...it's painful. It hurts just as often as it makes somebody happy, maybe even more often than that. Sometimes it hurts so much ya feel like that's all there is to it, and y' wonder why you ever had one in the first place.

You and me, we've done a lot of screwed up stuff. Hurt a lot a' people we wished we hadn't, hated and cursed people too. But that doesn't mean there ain't nothin' left to us but bein' miserable.

[Labrys put her arms around his waist, words carrying a strange weight to them as though she was making an effort not to cry.]

That ain't right. Even in a place like this, there's still a lot of good things to have faith in. It doesn't matter if y' think you ain't got any right to anythin' good--I'll tell ya that's wrong every time. If you got your own heart, then you got every right in the world t' be happy no matter what you mighta done.

I don't care what anybody says about ya, includin' my own stupid programmin'. I ain't gonna turn my back on you anymore. 'Cause we're...we're still friends, yeah?

Y-yes... Please?

[Lancer is honestly not sure how to react to her. He wants what she is offering so badly. A friend... Perhaps, family again... Not someone who is trying to force him to return to who is was out of some twisted sense of duty or guilt. Not someone who is just sticking around him because he might be dangerous but they pity him too much to do what needs to be done.

Someone who actually understands. Someone who actually wants to help him heal instead of just slapping a band aid over his wounds and forgetting they are there.

His arms drop down around her and he tilts his head to rest against hers.]

Labrys...

[No...he can't, can he? He can't be so selfish as to let her waste time on him.

Being selfish is what got him here in the first place...

But, as much as he wants to, he can't make himself push her away.]

I'm so sorry I'm forcing this burden on you...

Edited (Because, I apparently fail at punctuation.) 2013-01-17 22:03 (UTC)

Don't be sorry, you haven't forced nothin' on me.

[Labrys shook her head, clinging to Lancer like she was afraid he'd flat-out disappear if she let go.]

Friends're supposed to help each other carry stuff like this. It ain't all about smilin' and laughin' together--a real friend's the kind that'll cry with ya, too. Maybe even for you, if y' can't do it yourself.

I don't know if I even remember how to do those things...

[Lancer shuts his eyes, not noticing the wetness at their corners.]

I've forgotten so much because it was so painful to remember. But....I want to remember! Those things. They were what made me me even if I am just a failed version of what I could have been.

My children. Oscar. Grainne. Why did I have to lose those things the tower gave back to me? I don't even remember when it happened. Maybe...maybe if I even had just one of those things still, I wouldn't have become this!

[He's crying openly now, but he's too caught up in what he's lost to realize it.]

It's okay...it hurts t' remember what we ain't gonna get back. Sometimes it's easier t' forget--I made myself do that once, a real long time ago.

Sometimes I still think about the first friend I ever had...she was real great, and taught me a lot about how to think and feel for myself. Losin' her was rough, and it...it hurt a whole lot. For a while I thought it'd be better to just forget everythin'.

[Labrys untied the yellow scarf of her Yasogami uniform--today worn in her hair, the rest of it left in her trunk--and reached up to carefully wipe away his tears.]

Havin' a heart is painful, so there ain't anything wrong with crying when it hurts. And it's okay t' feel lonely, or like ya ain't got anythin' left. But even if you feel like that, there's always gonna be someone out there that cares about you, that'll even fight for ya.

No matter how many people you lose, there's always gonna be that many more waitin' to get to know ya.

But should I? Should I let them when I can't ever leave here even if somehow, someday, they can?

[This...this is an important question to him. One he's never found an acceptable answer to.]

I don't want them to be held back by the memory of a ghost. Of what they had to leave behind.

[Lancer actually just doesn't want to be left behind. He's realized this after so many years in the tower watching things comes and go. But it's selfish and so he doesn't say it.]

Memories shouldn't hold people back. They can, yeah...but memories are things that're supposed to be treasured and learned from, even all a' the bad ones.

If people leave you behind they should be happy they ever got to know ya. I would be.

Thank you.

[Lancer smiles at her, and while the smile is strained, he has at least stopped crying.]

I think maybe that is why I have changed so much. The pain...it makes it hard for me to remember those pleasant memories. If I even think about certain things, the pain becomes debilitating. I've been forced to forget so much I never wanted to. It's why I feel so alone.

[He pauses a moment and then tilts his head questioningly.]

You said once you forgot things because they were painful. Do you remember how you were able to start thinking about them again without pain? Or was it something to do with being what you are and not anything that might be able to help me?

It's got nothin' to do with what I am.

[She took both of his hands in her own, speaking earnestly.]

Listen, I forgot partly 'cause it hurt so much I thought I'd break down. I lost everythin, everyone that mattered to me all for the sake a' their damn testing.

It was so bad that...somethin' started inside a' me, deep in my heart. That's a Shadow; the part of someone that holds everythin' they ain't gonna admit even to themselves. It was my Shadow that made me remember everything that happened and knocked me outta the fake memories I built for myself.

[Labrys paused, tightening her grip on Lancer's hands just slightly.]

...But it's 'cause of my friends that I could accept it. There were people that wanted to stand by me, no matter what I was or what I looked like. It was 'cause of them that I could accept my Shadow was part of me, and all those painful memories with it. They still hurt--and hurt a lot, sometimes--but knowin' I got friends makes it a whole lot easier than carryin' it all alone.

I want ya to tell me everythin', Lancer. Everythin' that hurts, everythin' that doesn't, and everythin' else you can think of. I ain't gonna care who you are or what you've done, 'cause that's what real friends do. Yu and his Investigation Team taught me that a long time ago.

[Lancer nods. All this talk of shadows is confusing to him, but at the same time familiar in a way he can't really explain. He gently guides Labrys back toward her seat at the piano, before finding something to sit on himself.]

This...might take a while and I'm not even sure where to begin. I suppose I should warn you, when I speak of the pain I feel, I mean that I feel real physical pain when I think too hard on these things. Please don't be surprised if it happens. If I must go through it to take back what is mine, then I must. I've let it control me for too long.

[He pauses a moment, face twisting as he tries to find a good place to start. So much just runs together as it has for years--no beginning and no end. No easy place to start explaining from.

Then his mind, for a moment, slips back--way back--to something he's never forgotten. His greatest failure in a life filled with them.]

It's my fault. I should have gotten him home sooner. I said I would. I promised I would. And now it is too late. He's too weak. Too lost to his delusions. I know he wants to still go back, but he can't. He will die the moment he reconnects with that monster of a servant that he was saddled with.

[Lancer squeezes his eyes closed as tears threaten again.]

And he still thinks I'm so wonderful. The best servant that he could have ever met and all I do is lie to him! I tell him what he wants to hear. I tell him that they will still go home, and he will win the war and have his wish and everything will be okay when it can't ever be that way! He's never going to leave here. He--

[Lancer's voice drops to almost nothing, choking in his own throat.]

--he can't even die here to escape it all. The tower will keep him alive forever. Hoping for what he can never have. Withering...into even less than he already is if that is even possible...

...

[Labrys wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gently ran a comforting metallic hand through his hair, voice laden with quiet resignation.]

It ain't your fault he couldn't get back. It ain't anyone's fault but the admins that we can't go home. Even though I'm not exactly the one t' talk about delusion versus reality and this is gonna sound awful...if there ain't any alternative, maybe it's kinder to just let him think that.

[She didn't know how long it had been. Didn't want to know, didn't think about it. Locked her timekeeping processes away in a place she couldn't access idly, and yet as she spoke Labrys began to feel in her heart the time that had passed. Time over which her compassion had grown deeper, desire to reach out had turned more and more into caring for those around her, and idolizing Narukami's leadership had turned into gathering those she cared about to her arms physically and emotionally.]

[It had been years, she dared to think. How many? Enough to turn from a child to an adult, even if only mentally.]

It's one thing t' hide from reality. That ain't right at all. But if it's somethin' like this, where reality's just...inhumanly cruel? Ain't it more like you're protectin' him--like a knight should?

[Lancer lets his head rest against Labrys' shoulder, his voice barely a whisper.]

That is how I justified it...at first, but is it really all right to leave him like that? Wouldn't it have been better if I had done everything I could to keep him with us? To focus him on adjusting here when I knew he couldn't ever go back? Isn't that what a real knight would have done instead of taking the easy way out and just agreeing with his delusions?

And there are times when I just want to give up and join him there--times when I get so tired of the pain and the lies that I just want to let go and fall into whatever world he's living in. I could be happy there--focused on finding a way out that I'll never find, but it wouldn't matter because I'd be serving my lord. That would be all that matters.

[Now he turns his face into her shoulder as if it might help him hide his shame.]

There is no way to justify me being so weak--so cowardly--as to even consider such a thing, but I do. Almost every time I visit him, I do.

[Lancer then pauses suddenly, realizing something.]

But...that's what happened to you right? It hurt so much you hide away until you were made to remember what was real and what wasn't. Maybe...maybe I need to stop focusing on what I've done wrong and start thinking about those things I've made myself forget instead?

You're a good person. I ain't ever gonna let anyone say different about you. If you were anythin' else, it wouldn't cause ya this much pain trying to guess whether or not you're doin' the right thing.

[She didn't move away, letting him get as close as he needed. Danger sensing mechanisms be damned, she trusted her heart first in situations like this.]

That'd be a good start, I think. Life ain't all about just the mistakes you've made--even if they're just ones you think you've made, I mean.

[Lancer nods, but doesn't move from where he's resting against her shoulder. He does seem to tense a little, though.]

This is probably going to hurt me...a lot. Please don't let it frighten you. I think it's all in my head. I'm no psychologist, but my roommate looked me over the other day and he found nothing physically wrong with me. It has to be in my head. There is no other explanation.

[He pauses a moment, and then begins to speak with an already distant voice.]

I miss my children so much right now. Dealing with everything with my master...

[Oops, he hadn't meant to actually call Kariya master to anyone but the man himself, but the word is out so Lancer just continues talking.]

...he talks about his children so much and I can't help but think of mine. Of how curious my daughter was. She loved asking questions about everything. It annoyed her brothers to no end...

[He winces as the first warning twinges of pain wash over him, but he ignores them and keeps talking.]

I love this story so much. Grainne never learned to cook because she was the High King's daughter, but she insisted on teaching our daughter and learning at the same time. The kitchen...it was such a mess. Every time it took me hours to set right. Cooking...it was just something she could never do, but she tired so hard and they were always so proud of what they managed to cobble together.

It's just a shame it was never edible...

[His voice trails off and he squeezes his eyes more tightly shut that before. There are tears in them again. Whether from the pain or the bittersweet memories, is anyone's guess.]

[Labrys didn't speak at first, listening carefully as she idly stroked a hand through Lancer's hair. All the experience and human emotion in the world didn't quite teach how to comfort someone, but Labrys at least hoped she'd learned over time.]

...tell me more about 'em. My only sisters were-...well, it doesn't matter right now. I wanna hear about a happy family. Kids that had somebody like you around.

I wasn't with them nearly long enough.

[There is a deep sadness in his voice that has nothing to do with the pain he's feeling as he continues to force himself to remember. This pain is different. This is the pain of regret, an emotion once unfamiliar to him that has become like a brother as time has passed.]

I left them too soon because I was so foolish as to believe maybe things would be okay. That my lord's words were true. I should have listened to Grainne that day. I should have...

[He pauses and takes a deep breath pushing that pain away. It is something he can deal with later.

Maybe.]

You asked for happier stories, not sad ones. I had five children in total. Four boys and a girl. They were such a handful as you might imagine, but I never minded it. Not even when I ended up having to spend the whole day cleaning the kitchen.

[He laughs, though the laughter is sad. It's obvious he's still thinking about having left them too soon.]

My father was...a character, but he loved them as well and they loved him. He was the only one who could get them all to stop and listen at the same time. Of course, he was a god and I'm pretty sure he cheated.

[Lancer smiles, and for once, the expression seems to lighten the sadness in his eyes.]

But it was the same for me when I was a child. Be it story or song, I always wanted to hear it. They were no different.

S'nice to hear a good story now an' then, isn't it? You all musta been real happy...that's good. I'm glad t'hear that.

[Her own expression was distant, thoughtful--more than mere calculation, there was heart and sentiment behind scarlet eyes.]

Lancer, is it...is it okay if I say somethin'? See, I never really had parents, obviously--sisters, I guess--but th' thing is...for as long as we've been stuck around here, you've been kinda like the closest thing to a father I ever had.

Probably sounds stupid, yeah? I mean, who wants a machine for a kid when they already had their own?

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