towerofanimus | [closed] Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

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[closed] Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

Characters: Kariya Matou and Lancer (Zero), aka Diarmuid Ua Duibhne
Setting: The Meadow floor (25), Kariya's favorite.
Format: Action
Summary: Under the influence of "Pet", Kariya asks Diarmuid to meet with him. It's never a good sign when Kariya starts to compare someone to Aoi...
Warnings: With Kariya around, there is always the danger of blood/worms.

[He hadn't thought much of listening to the tape recorder, though it had been odd that what it played hadn't sounded like any song in particular.

The change doesn't happen right away. He starts to feel agitated without realizing he is. This Tower is too dangerous, he tells himself. People are hurt here, every day. People die, in pain. It can happen to anyone, no matter how strong they are. Unbidden, a vision of Diarmuid enters his mind. He knows the man is upset at having had to kill him out of mercy, so they haven't spoken recently. As far as Kariya's concerned, that had only been a favor. He wants to see him again. Is that too much to ask? Why do people always turn away from him?

Diarmuid has been so kind to him. He's looked after him, much like Aoi used to, when they were children. Even though he's a Servant, Diarmuid is gentle and kind, like Aoi, and Kariya has seen how he suffers, here in the Tower, doubting himself as a knight and as a person. He's probably suffered more, in ways Kariya doesn't know about. He shouldn't have to know that kind of pain, or any pain, after all he's been through. He doesn't deserve it.

Kariya asks himself, why is he never the one to take care of others? When that's all he wants to do in life? Why does he have to be the weak one, the one who's protected? That's why he'd joined the war, so he could finally be the one to save someone else. Yet he hasn't managed it yet, not even with all he's sacrificed. He hasn't been able to save Sakura. He's had to leave her behind with Zouken. She's still suffering, so much. He's been such a failure. He's never been able to accomplish the one goal he has: to love someone, to keep them safe. Yes, that's what he needs to do. If he can do that, he'll be happy. He can do that, here. He'll take care of someone.

That's when he decides to write a letter to Diarmuid:

Diarmuid,

I would like to talk to you. If you're willing to meet with me, I'll be in the meadow. I'll wait for you there.

-Kariya]

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[He was waiting quietly, sitting among the flowers as he often did. The meadow was one of the few places that brought him peace in the Tower. He had been hoping for Diarmuid's arrival, and when he saw the man and heard his voice, he lifted his head and returned his smile, brightly. It was different, seeing Diarmuid dressed in ordinary clothes. It made him seem more human. More vulnerable. It only encouraged Kariya's belief that he needed someone to look after him.]

I'm doing well.

[As if to prove this, he got to his feet, as steadily as possible. He could be capable as well. He took a step toward Diarmuid, trying to show none of his weakness, to downplay his limp.]

I'm so glad you came. How are you feeling?

You look well too.

[Diarmuid smiles. It's comforting to see him doing so well after...

His smile falters as memory of how Kariya had looked the last time he saw him surfaces. No, he can't think about that now. Not if he wants to keep himself together. He closes his eyes for a moment to steady himself and then opens them, taking a deep breath at the same time.]

I...have been better, but please don't worry. It's just been a hard month. I just need to rest. Here, this is for you. I know it's not much, but I wanted to give you something as a sign of our friendship. After all, isn't this the time of year when people celebrate things like friendship and love?

[He holds out his hand. Sitting in the palm is a loop of delicate chain. The chain is attached to a sliver of yellow metal. The metal has been polished to a high shine that draws out the remaining decorations and runes on the surface.]

When I arrived, my trunk had a piece of metal from the spear I destroyed in the war in it. That spear could cause wounds that couldn't be healed, though it's destruction healed the wounds it had caused.

[He looks away and blushes slightly.]

Maybe it won't mean much to you, but I thought that it might give you a little hope that someday your wounds will be healed even if it seems like there is no way to do that now.

Thank you. [Kariya continues to approach, as steadily as possible. He can do this. He has to be strong for Diarmuid's sake.]

Of course I worry about you. You're important to me. I want to be sure you're well. You shouldn't keep to yourself. That only makes me worry more, you know.

[When Diarmuid offers his gift, Kariya's smile widens. He takes the piece of bright metal on the chain and looks at it carefully, fondly. It's a beautiful thing, and he feels a rush of warmth and protectiveness. There's a gentleness to Diarmuid, in spite of him being a warrior. It's that gentleness he so wants to protect.]

This is– [He's at a loss for words for a moment] What a precious thing. It means a great deal to me. I'll keep it with me always. You're so kind to me. I only wish I could do as much for you as you've done for me.

[Saying so, Kariya reaches out and straightens and smooths the collar of Diarmuid's dress shirt, still smiling.]

You should take better care of yourself. Have you been careful, lately? I hope you haven't been hurt.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I just thought it would be a good idea if I kept to myself for a bit so I could rest and try to straighten out my head. I'm so tempted to just go out and work and patrol without stopping otherwise. That's even why I'm wearing these clothes instead of my armor. I have to take time to rest so that there isn't a repeat of...

[Diarmuid cuts himself off suddenly. No, he isn't going to burden Kariya the results of his own foolishness. The man is worried enough about him already.]

I'm glad you like it. It's just a little thing, but sometimes those things can be what gives someone the most hope.

[His face softens both at Kariya's action and at his previous words.]

You do more than enough. Even if it is hard for me to understand why you worry so much for me, I am honored that you do. It is...comforting.

[But how does he answer that question? Diarmuid really doesn't want to tell Kariya about having died, but he also doesn't want to lie to the man. He closes his eyes again for a moment, debating, and then finally speaks.]

I'm sorry. I can't say that I haven't been hurt recently. I-I pushed myself too hard after everything and...and when I went to save my roommate from the trouble he had stirred up on the circus floor I...I just froze.

[Diarmuid's voice suddenly gets very small.]

I got us both killed. I don't know how I will ever make it up to him...

You push yourself much too hard. You don't have to do that, you know. What you do already for everyone... It's more than enough. You won't be able to work or patrol if you're too tired or too hurt. You won't be able to help people as much. You have to pace yourself.

[He tightens his hand on Diarmuid's gift. He means it when he says he'll always keep it. This gift from someone he cares for so deeply.] I love it. It's not just a little thing. I feel more hopeful already. [And he does. He feels hopeful that he'll be able to protect Diarmuid. Diarmuid means so much to him, it's the least he can do.]

No, I could do more. I should do whatever I can for you. It's what you deserve. I'm glad I can give you some comfort, but you need more than that.

[Kariya listens somberly to Diarmuid's account of his death on the circus floor, his smile fading. He shakes his head.]

See? That's what I mean. You push yourself too hard, and then you're too hard on yourself afterward. You do whatever you can to help, and then you blame yourself for things that happen. You weren't the one responsible. It's the administrators' fault. I'm sure Lancer knows that, too, so stop thinking you have to make it up to him. He's your friend, and he understands. You're one of the kindest people here, and you give so much of yourself to everyone.

[Without thinking the action is odd, Kariya finishes with Diarmuid's collar and moves to tuck in his shirt.]

That's why you need me to look after you. I'll make sure you won't be hurt again. Sometimes, you don't know when to stop. But I can tell you.

[Diarmuid had accepted Kariya straightening his collar without a word, but when the other man moves to start tucking in his shirt, the action startles him and he unconsciously takes a step back. He knows that Kariya cares for and worries about him, but that action combined with his strong, insistent words is just a little unsettling.

As in, reminding him of how women under the spell of his curse would sometimes act, but he knows that's impossible since Kariya is male and can't be affected by the curse.

What is going on?]

Please, it's all right. I actually prefer it out. It's more comfortable this way. And I understand all those things you are staying. Many people have told them to me, it's just...

[He trails off. Despite the warning bells Kariya's actions are setting off in his mind, Diarmuid is mentally exhausted, and he really doesn't want to have the same argument with yet another person.]

I'm sorry, Kariya. I mean no offense, but I'm really tired right now. It might be best if I returned to my room. I really am trying to take better care of myself so others like yourself don't have to worry about taking care of me.

If you're sure. [Kariya reluctantly gives up his attempt at tucking in Diarmuid's shirt, although he still wants to do it. He wants to do everything for Diarmuid. He wants to be needed. Diarmuid needs him, doesn't he?]

You say you understand me, but you're not listening. You keep doing the same things. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're only hurting yourself and not helping anyone when you do that. [He reaches out to touch Diarmuid again, this time simply putting a hand on his arm.]

No, don't go. [For the first time, there's a sour note in Kariya's sweet tone. A sharp note of worry. Diarmuid can't leave. He's only just gotten here.]

You should stay here. Don't you understand? You'll be safe if you stay here, with me. I won't let those things happen to you anymore. [As frail as he is compared to the Servant, he doesn't think this claim odd. After all, he's only died once here, in spite of the state he's in. He knows how to stay safe, something Diarmuid clearly needs help with.]

No, I don't understand! How am I suppose to understand? Everyone keeps telling me to stop being me! How am I suppose to do that? How?

[Diarmuid doesn't mean to raise his voice at his friend, but right now he really can't handle Kariya's sudden odd behavior. He brings a shaking hand to his eyes to rub at them.]

Please...I just need...

[His voice suddenly trails off as images flash behind his eyes. Memories of the times he and Kariya had spent here in the Meadow during the experiment. As fake as it had all been, they'd had at least a little bit of happiness--a little bit of comfort.

Is it so much to ask for? Has he really become so desperate for even a little comfort that he is looking to memories from that horrible time for it?

A small broken sound slips unconsciously from Diarmuid's mouth, and he finds himself sinking to his knees, head bowed.]

I can't... I don't...

[Kariya doesn't seem to mind Diarmuid's raised voice. It only encourages his sympathy, makes him want to help more. Obviously, his friend is suffering. Kariya's the one who can do something about it.]

I'd never want you to stop being yourself. Just be a little more cautious, that's all. Be careful of yourself so you can be of more help to others. Didn't you say before that you'd do whatever I wanted? That's what I want.

I'll give you whatever you need. Anything. I care about you.

[Kariya kneels down beside Diarmuid and puts his arms around him. He feels a surge of warmth and joy, in spite of the Servant's sorrow. He is needed. This feels right. It's right, and safe, for Diarmuid to stay with him. He'll keep him from harm. He strokes Diarmuid's back, to comfort him.]

You're such a good man. You don't deserve to feel any pain. I'll make sure that you don't.

I'm so tired of all the pain. Of not understanding what I should or shouldn't do.

[Diarmuid's voice shakes and it's soft with exhaustion. Unconsciously, he leans forward until his head rests against Kariya's shoulder, and as he does, more memories from the experiment flash across his mind eventually coming to rest on that moment where he was sitting in the Meadow with his head in Kariya's lap with the other man stroking his hair.

Was that really the last time he had been happy?]

I just want the pain to stop. I want everyone to be safe and happy. I want to forget.

[He looks up at Kariya with a begging look in his eyes.]

Can you really do that? Please?

I know, I know... I know you hurt so much, Diarmuid. [Kariya holds him tighter.] It's because you're so kind that you do. You may be a warrior, but you're gentle, too. I've heard you sing. No one understands you like I do. [His voice is low, a soothing croon.] You don't have to be confused or in pain.

[Kariya smiles at him, gently, when Diarmuid meets his gaze. He smooths a hand back over Diarmuid's hair, tenderly. Even Diarmuid's eyes are gentle, when he looks like this. He shouldn't have to feel this way. He's been forced to take on too much, to suffer too much.]

I can. Stay with me. I'll take care of you. You don't have to think about anything else.

Will you? Really?

[Diarmuid's face has taken on a child-like expression. It's obvious he wants badly to believe, but if he thinks about things in any way other than through the hope-filled eyes of a child, he knows he won't be able to. Kariya is weaker than he is after all. He is no servant. How can do any of the things he claims he will do if even a servant can't do them?]

I'm really tired. If you want me to stay, I will, but is it all right if I take a nap?

[Even his voice is child soft as he lets himself slip passed the memories of the experiment and back into his memories of childhood. Everything was safe then. He could be happy and it was okay. His father would watch over him, tell him stories, sing to him.

All would be right in the world. At least for a little while.]

Is it all right, Father?

I promise.

[He can't help but make the promise, he wants so badly for Diarmuid to feel better. Doesn't he deserve to be safe and happy after he's suffered so much? In this place, he can live again. It's a second chance.

He doesn't know exactly how he'll protect Diarmuid, but he knows he will do it. No matter what. Even if it takes his own life to do so. Diarmuid means that much to him.]

Of course it's all right. If you're tired, you should take a nap.

[Father, he says. It feels right. Kariya loves the sound of the word. He keeps stroking Diarmuid's hair, lightly. He'd like nothing better than for Diarmuid to stay here with him and sleep. In the meadow, they'll be safe.]

That's right, your father's here. He'll take care of you.

Yes, he will. He always has.

[Diarmuid smiles at him with a wide child-like smile and then shifts backwards so he can settle his head into Kariya's lap. Once settled, he closes his eyes.]

Will you tell me a story then, Father? Like you always do? Until I fall asleep?

[His voice is so young sounding. So tired. It will not likely take him long to fall asleep.]

That's right.

[He feels so contented. All he's ever wanted is to be a father. To be a good father and have children who love him. It doesn't occur to him that Diarmuid is much to old to be his child. No, Diarmuid is his, and this is the way it should be. He's filled with love and happiness, sitting still so as not to disturb Diarmuid as he lies his head on his lap, stroking his hair ever more lightly.]

I'd be glad to tell you a story. What do you want your story to be about tonight?

Whatever you wish, Father. You know I love all of your stories.

[Diarmuid's voice is soft and distant. He is almost asleep already so whatever story Kariya chooses doesn't really matter. Diarmuid most likely won't be awake enough to make sense of the words. He will just find comfort in the voice.]

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[closed] Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

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