towerofanimus | Cry when you're supposed to hold it back [closed]

Entry tags:

Cry when you're supposed to hold it back [closed]

Characters: Ryoji (

oathshackledbird)
Setting: Lancer's room (4-16)
Format: Anything
Summary: A traumatized Ryoji turns to Diarmuid for comfort and to tell him just what he saw when he entered the admin elevator.
Warnings: Existential crises and the feelings that come from them!

[Ryoji hasn't even allowed himself the blessing of thought after everything that happened in the Tower. It was easier to just block it out. He didn't need to think about the ghost's hair trailing over his shoulder, or the machine that had taken his friend and stripped her of her soul only so that it could be shoved into another copy of her real body. He especially didn't need to think about how he had thought, under the influence of the fog, that the only way to help people was to end their lives before they dealt with more hardships.

For a while, he just went through the motions of normalcy, eating and sleeping at the proper times, watching a few movies, hunting some monsters. He spent a little more time on Floor 96 each day. It was such a relief to have those memories stripped away, to be blissfully ignorant of his past and his actions.

Of course, once he left, they always came back. Ryoji couldn't escape them no matter what he did, so he finally accepted that he needed to trust himself enough to rely on someone else.

Which brings him to Diarmuid's room once again. It wasn't that long ago that he was here simply to talk and thank Diarmuid for the Valentine's Day gift. It's a shame that this conversation won't be nearly as nice as that one.

Taking a deep breath, he taps on the door, only to look away, ashamed. He isn't ready for this kind of closeness with someone. He knows he's been told to come talk to Diarmuid about anything, but he never wants to burden others with his troubles. He almost thinks about running, but... Diarmuid was affected by all of this too. He deserved to know the truth.

Even if Ryoji wasn't sure what the truth really was.]

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[Ryoji is comforted enough by the hug that he almost selfishly feels regret once Diarmuid pulls away. Thankfully, that feeling is pushed aside by his concern. He can tell that Diarmuid's trying to fake a smile to reassure him, just as Ryoji often liked to do. It was hypocritical, but Ryoji was frustrated that something was seen as too much of a burden for him to handle.

He finally registers what Diarmuid is saying, and he seems a bit confused.]

Dax? Oh... you mean the administrator who was killed. I didn't know him, but he seemed nice.

[Ryoji nods a bit stiffly, moving around to sit on a chair. He takes that time to gauge Diarmuid's own reactions and try to get a clue as to what was bothering him.]

You don't really look good either. This is... probably a silly question to ask, but did something happen?

[Diarmuid nods, moving to sit on the bed as Ryoji takes a seat of his own. The smile slips from his face, but he doesn't really care as he doesn't have the energy to maintain it and the boy has already seen through it anyway.]

Yes, things have happened as they always do in this place. I thought I was doing better since we last talked, but...

[His voice trails off and his hand comes up to nervously rub at the torc around his throat.]

When the mist came, I saw things. I was made to believe my dearest friend from home was brought here.

[Diarmuid closes his eyes, pressing back the memories.]

And then I had to kill him. I knew it was only an image of him, but it still hurts so badly.

[He shakes his head, finally opening his eyes. He then gestures helplessly with one hand while his other continues its absentminded rubbing.]

And then all of this happens. I am having so much trouble understand it. I don't know where to even start.

[Ryoji looks down, unsure.]

To be honest, I don't know where to start either.

[There's so much he could tell Diarmuid, but he's afraid to speak. What if he says something that upsets Diarmuid further? He looks strained already, and if Ryoji adds more pressure, the man might break down entirely.]

... The mist made a lot of us see things. I think anyone would forgive you for that. I-I mean, at least you didn't want to kill him-

I don't even know what to say.

[He wants to tell him, and he doesn't want to tell him. Ryoji's struggling to know what Diarmuid needs to hear, hoping that Diarmuid will be honest, tell Ryoji what he can and cannot handle.]

Edited 2013-03-02 17:29 (UTC)

It's okay, you don't have to say anything.

[Diarmuid tries to smile again and seems to do a little better this time.]

Part of the problem is that the emotions are so new and so raw right now. Then, right on top of that we have these other revelations. It's a lot to take in even for a hardened warrior like myself. Still, I need to get out and talk to some of the people who went down. I know some of them are posting messages, but I would like to talk to someone face to face just so I can ask questions and we can talk at our own rates.

[Diarmuid pauses, something in Ryoji's phrasing catching his attention.]

What do you mean you don't know where to begin? Are you okay?

[His eyes suddenly get wide.]

Did you go down?

I...

[Well, now he can't avoid saying anything, can he? Diarmuid looks shocked, and that's almost enough for Ryoji to break down in front of him, let everything tumble out in between sobs. He doesn't even know how he manages to hold it together enough so that he can respond.]

I went down, yes.

[That's all he trusts himself to say right now. He knows that he didn't have it as bad as some of the others who went down, but... seeing Sheba was hard enough. That on top of everything else that happened this month was far too much to handle.]

[Diarmuid is on his feet in an instance and kneeling by Ryoji's chair in the next. He is tempted to hug the boy again, but he remembers that moment of discomfort that Ryoji had seemed to have previously, so he settles for taking his hands instead.]

Are you okay?

[The question is more insistent now. Diarmuid has completely forgotten his own distress and is focused on Ryoji.]

Talk to me. Say whatever will help you feel better or if it will help the most, just cry. There is no shame in it. I have done my fair share of it over this last week.

[Ryoji jumps a bit when his hands are held, but it only takes him a few seconds this time to accept the touch. He squeezes both of Diarmuid's hands, and suddenly, without warning, words start tumbling out of his mouth without him really registering it. He can't censor himself, or put events in a proper order, or even hear his own voice. He's just speaking, getting the truth out before he breaks under the pressure of it.]

We all went down and split up... It wasn't that bad, I didn't think it was that bad... there were files on us, but I couldn't read them, and nothing tried to hurt us, so I thought it was okay for everyone.

But then we went down farther, and we saw Sheba. She was in a machine, and they took her soul out of her body. They keep replacing us when we die, giving us new bodies over and over and we'll never be free! I don't know what to do, I want to help, but they can take my powers away so easily! When I went down there, I was absolutely useless. I didn't know how to fight or anything...

[With every word that escapes from his lips, tears well up in his eyes. He finally has to cut himself off by taking his hands away from Diarmuid, covering his own face. He mumbles a bit more, but his voice is muffled with his hands and his sobs.]

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so scared...

Edited 2013-03-03 04:20 (UTC)

[Ryoji's words match up far too well with the what has been spreading around the tower. Somehow, Diarmuid had hoped that maybe talking to someone who had seen it might change things--make them better somehow. Instead, it has only made things worse. And to hear that Ryoji had recognized one of the people they saw the process done on breaks his heart.

Though not so much as the boys' frightened words do.

Diarmuid gently puts his arms around the boys shoulders and gives them a light squeeze--a hint that if the boy wants to be held or hugged, it's okay, but only if he wants to.]

There is nothing wrong with feeling scared or lost right now. I am feeling the same way, and I have seen countless battles. Nothing can prepare you for something like this. I am going to guess that large number of the people in the tower feel the exact same way as you do right now. The important thing is to remember you aren't alone even if it might feel that way.

And honestly, if you want to learn to fight, I can teach you how. You need only ask.

[Ryoji looks down as he works at his lip. It doesn't seem like he's going to accept the hug, but then suddenly he moves forward again. He squeezes as hard as he can, just trying to reassure himself that Diarmuid is really there, that he does exist, that even though everything else right now is going terribly wrong, he still has one person to trust in all this mess.]

I-I need to know how to fight. I don't want to feel useless again. I just... need to protect the people that are important to me, in any way I can.

I just... hope that everyone will be alright soon... so many terrible things happened, and they got the visitors involved in all of it too... I didn't even get to apologize for some of the things I did.

[Diarmuid wraps one arm tightly around Ryoji, while the other strokes the boy's hair comfortingly.]

I understand. I feel the same way. That is why I offered to teach you. You are a caring person who wants to do everything he can to help.

[Much like Diarmuid himself.]

I know you will be out there no matter what, so I would rather you know how to fight if you are going to. But we can discuss that more later.

[The hand stroking his hair drops down to gently take Ryoji's chin so that the boy will look at him.]

Something I am learning is that I don't know if things can ever be all right or normal in this place. Hoping for that too hard will only lead to more pain. Instead, we probably are better off focusing on moving forward. So many things we do here we can't control. Take the mist, for example. It made a lot of people do terrible things and they couldn't help it.

The visitors came from a place, while not the same as this one, was similar to it. I am sure they understood. No one will hold it against you.

[It's amazing how nice this feels to Ryoji, once he gets used to the idea of someone touching him, and once he convinces himself that he's not going to hurt anyone like this. He hasn't had anyone hold him like this and pat his head while reassuring him that everything was alright, that he was alright... He wonders if this is what it'd be like to have a parent.

He has to dismiss that thought right away. It's too much for him to hope for, and he's preoccupied with Diarmuid holding his chin. For a moment, he does try to look away, ashamed, but there's nowhere else for him to look but at the older man.]

I know that's too much for me to expect... but it's just so hard to see people hurt. And knowing that I contributed to it, even if I didn't mean to... It's terrible. I'm terrible. Even if everyone else forgives me, it's too hard to forgive myself.

[Diarmuid smiles sadly. Ryoji's words are far too familiar now that he has been thinking about his own mental state more.

He wishes they weren't.]

I know. Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way about myself a lot of the time. However, despite how horrible and unforgivable we think ourselves to be, our friends don't think that and will tell us over and over again we are wrong. I know mine do.

[He lets go of the boy's chin and moves to wipe some of the tears from Ryoji's cheeks.]

I know it doesn't really help, but I care about you--you remind me in some ways of my own sons--

[So brave and willing to fight even if the odds are against them.]

...so I am going to say it anyway and maybe someday you will be able to believe it deep down. You aren't terrible and you have done nothing so bad that it can't be forgiven. If you really feel that way, then make sure you do your best to make up for it. That is all anyone can ask of you.

[Ryoji's eyes get a little wider as he stutters out protests.]

B-But you're not horrible! I don't see any reason why you'd even think that! You're such a good person, you haven't done anything wrong-

[...Oh. Now it makes sense. He is Diarmuid's friend after all, and just by speaking, he's proving the older man's point. So even though Ryoji doesn't dare believe what Diarmuid, what any of his friends, will say about him, he'll at least try to accept it.

He takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. The gentle fingers on his cheek seem to help with that. Still, it takes him a few tense moments to trust himself enough to speak.]

I'll try to believe you. But even then, I'm going to keep working to make up for everything I've done. Even if everyone has forgiven me, because then I can just try to make them happy instead. It may be hard to do in this place, but... I'm not going to give up.

[Diarmuid smiles gently and nods when he sees that Ryoji has realized his point.]

There is no rush. It's not an easy thing to do. And realizing it doesn't mean you have to stop trying to help people or anything like that. I would hope you know that's the last thing I want you to do. I am very proud of the fact you are so willing to help even though you aren't a fighter and are scared. In my mind, that makes you much braver than a lot of people out there.

[His smile widens when he sees the boy start to calm down, and a thought crosses his mind that might help out with that a little more.]

Now, I still have some of those chocolates and cookies you so liked laying around. What say we treat ourselves to a little homemade comfort?

Then I'll... keep trying. I know it's hard, especially with w-what I am, but I want to help in any way I can. And if I learn to fight, I can help a little more.

[Honestly, he's starting to blush a bit with all that praise, so now he's nervous for a whole different reason. Diarmuid thinks he's brave? He's proud of Ryoji? He's used to getting compliments, but from girls, regarding his appearance, not from someone he so looks up to, and not regarding his personality.

His first instinct is to protest again, but thankfully, he's silenced with the offer of treats. He finally allows himself to smile a bit as he nods his agreement.]

I'd like that very much. Thank you, Diarmuid-san.

You're welcome.

[Diarmuid releases Ryoji from his hug. He then walks over to his trunk and digs out what is left of the chocolates and cookies, turning back and offering them to the boy before speaking again.]

Do you have any idea what kind of fighting you would like to learn? As you may guess, since I am a Lancer class servant, I specialize in spears, but in my first life, I knew a great many weapons and excelled at them all. I can also fight bare-handed if need be.

Do you have any kind of fighting training at all or are you really a beginner? And I mean any kind of training. It doesn't need to be professionally taught or anything like that.

[Ryoji takes one of each sweet, pondering this.]

I guess it'd probably be easiest if I learn how to use a sword...

[He frowns a bit, and fidgets in his seat. It's always awkward to talk about his other forms, but Diarmuid does need to know what limited training he has.]

My other form, Thanatos, has a blade that it carries, and... as the Avatar of Nyx, I also had one. I've summoned Thanatos's sword before, but I'm not sure if I have any skill with it. All I might have is instinct. I don't particularly remember how I fight in those forms... it just happens.

[It's kind of scary, in a way. It reminds him just how little control he has over his true nature, how easy it would be for him to hurt someone without him realizing how far he'd gone.]

[Diarmuid sets the box with the treats next to Ryoji so he can have more if he wants and then sits down on the corner of his bed. He's not quite sure what to say about the other forms right now, especially remembering what he does of Nyx, so he focuses on the fear he sees in the boy's eyes instead.]

Don't underestimate the power of instinct. It is a good thing to have whether you are a beginner or an expert. And while this might sound odd to you, I would suggest doing your best not to fear your other forms. Respect them and the strength they lend to you. Let that guide you as you learn, and you may find yourself learning more about your other forms and perhaps even gaining some control over them. Fighting teaches discipline and control after all.

And blade would probably be best then. Luckily, I know swords just as well as I know spears. I actually qualify for the Saber class. My master just didn't summon me as such.

How hard is it to summon that sword? Would you just rather I tried to find you one to use when I look for one for myself? I am actually trying to make a sword, but I am no smith and so it is slow going.

[That's another reason why he was so hesitant to bring it up. He remembers what he did to Diarmuid in that form, and he's still guilty, even if he's forgiven. He's also constantly worrying about when she'll take over again, even if that feeling of her inside him has become natural at this point. In fact, getting used to it makes Ryoji panic even more.

Still, he's happy that he at least has some experience that Diarmuid will be able to work with.]

I'd be glad if I could learn to control them. And I guess it's true that we have something to work with.

[He has to think for a moment about summoning it. It doesn't help that he first summoned it while suffering the loss of his sanity.]

I think I can summon it pretty easily... A spare would still be good, though, in case I lose my powers again.

That is actually the main reason I am working on making a sword for myself. There are so many floors where powers are limited or gone completely. Then there are monsters who can show up anywhere and strip you of your abilities at anytime. And finally, the administrators could do it at anytime. Even in a good situation, it is best to have a back up. In one like this, it is a necessity.

I am a little luckier than some since a good many of my skills I earned the usual way--with hard work. My natural skills were merely enhanced as a servant, so I am not as helpless as some when my powers go. Still, like you, my weapon is summoned so no powers means no weapon.

[Diarmuid pauses, thinking for a moment.]

Do you know anything about weapon making? All I know about weapons is what I learned from using them and then what information I have found in books. Even if you don't, it will probably be good if you help me make your weapon. A bond between a warrior and his weapon is not something to be ignored even if that weapon is a back up.

[From the way Diarmuid talks, he sounds like he's far stronger than Ryoji is. Ryoji is getting more and more worried about his lack of abilities, especially now that he knows that it's not just the administrators that can steal them away.

Ryoji shakes his head a little.]

I don't know anything about making a weapon, but I really would like to help make it. It will be part of my training, right? I might lose the spare one or it might get broken.

[He nods.]

It is. In my time quite often warriors were expected to make their own weapons. Honestly, only those with the highest social standings could pay others to make them. I was lucky enough that all four of my main weapons were gifts to me.

[Diarmuid pauses to laugh.]

Well, lucky then. Now I almost wish I had learned to make them because that knowledge would be helpful. As it is, I only know how to take care of them and repair damage.

[He stands and starts to pace in front of his bed. He's not angry or anything like that. Instead, he's thinking.]

So we will start you with a sword and work on hand-to-hand in the meantime. Actually, since we will need to find the weapons and you are so unskilled in combat, it may be best to begin with the hand-to-hand. That way we can work on building up your coordination and balance. Those things are just as important to fighting as strength is. Actually, in my opinion, they are more important.

We'll have to learn together, I guess... Do you know anyone that makes weapons here?

[Ryoji is a little nervous because of the pacing, but he understands that Diarmuid isn't upset. At least, he's pretty sure he hasn't given Diarmuid any reason to be upset with him.

The more Diarmuid speaks though, the more embarrassed and ashamed he gets. He really does have a lot to work on. He doesn't have any strength in a human form, and he's pretty sure the only coordination he has is from playing video games. Is Diarmuid really going to be able to teach him all this?]

It sounds like I'm going to have a lot to learn...

[He tries to laugh about it, but his worry shows through regardless.]

I haven't. That is why I'm working so hard on figuring stuff out on my own. I did run into a boy named Sephiroth who seems to know a great deal about weaponry. While he doesn't know how to make them, he is very intelligent and has shown great interest in helping me. His world seems to be very different from my own, and I'm hoping maybe his different perspective on things might help out.

[Diarmuid notices the chance in Ryoji's tone and crosses the room to kneel by the boy's chair, placing a comforting hand on his arm.]

Don't worry so. I trained some of the greatest warriors in Ireland. You would probably not believe the things we had to do to be admitted into the Fianna and even after that, we could not stop learning. It would be a death sentence. It was those highly skilled men I trained and trained with. The thing is, ofttimes those who are highly skilled think they are above needing to learn or train more. I had to be good enough to show them they were wrong.

[And it didn't help that a great many of them remembered his failure of a birth father and often took out their anger on him. He was constantly having to prove himself because of that.

The problems caused by his curse hadn't helped either...]

All I ask of you is to have faith in me and patience in yourself. Have those two things and we will not fail.

[He starts for a moment when he hears the name 'Sephiroth'. He hasn't exactly had the best experiences with that man. Even if he had been mainly quiet and reserved in the elevator, Ryoji had first met him when Sephiroth was holding a mess of stolen organs in his arms. He remembers, however, that there are duplicates of people in the tower, and he hopes that Diarmuid is referring to one now.]

I hope he'll be able to help us, then. Is there material to build weapons with in the Tower?

[He lowers his head at the contact, now embarrassed for an entirely different reason.]

I-I didn't mean to doubt you. That wasn't what I meant at all. I was just worried about how much I needed to learn... but if you have the time to help me train, I'm willing to be patient and work as hard as I can.

[Ryoji has no anger for anyone but himself, so at least Diarmuid won't need to prove himself. Ryoji already looks up to him.]

I hope so as well. He is very mature and intelligent for one so young. At times, I forget I'm talking to a child and not a fellow warrior.

[It's odd since he is usually so protective of children after being taken away from his so soon. Yet, he feels none of those protective urges when it comes to Sephiroth. He is absolutely convinced that the boy can take care of himself.]

The workshop floor has a lot of materials to work with. None of it is probably exactly what we need, but I think we will find a way to make things work.

[Diarmuid reaches out and gently lifts Ryoji's chin so the boy will look at him.]

Don't worry so much! I might have trained the best of the best, but I also trained my own boys from the time they could pick up a sword. Everything will be okay. You have faith in me and the patience to learn. That is all I am asking for.

[It's a little strange to think that Diarmuid would rely on someone younger, but he can understand it. One's age doesn't really have anything to do with their experience. If it did, Minato wouldn't be nearly as powerful as he is.]

I'm sure it will make do. I don't need a really impressive weapon, anyways...

[As long as it does the job, Ryoji will be happy.

This time he meets Diarmuid's eyes easily. He's getting used to the touch, and though he is still unsure of himself, he knows that he needs to follow Diarmuid's rules, and at least try not to be so self-conscious.]

T-Thank you for believing in me.

You are welcome.

[Diarmuid smiles and releases Ryoji's chin glad to see the boy is meeting his gaze more easily now.]

Honestly, if people spent more time believing in each other instead of cutting each other down, this world would not be in the mess it seems to be in so many universes. Honestly, there is so much I don't understand about how modern people think. It all just seems so wrong to me.

[He pauses and then waves a hand dismissively.]

But that's not really important right now. Do you feel up to going to the gym floor? There are a few things I would like to try out with you just to get an idea of the best way to begin your training. It shouldn't take long.

Sometimes people are cruel to each other. They hurt other people's feelings, and they hurt the world they live in. To be honest, I didn't understand how the people in my world thought either. So many of them were wishing for death. They thought that the only way to fix their problems was to break everything down and start anew. My existence was the result of that thought... Sorry.

[He apologizes when he realizes that he's rambling. He hopes Diarmuid doesn't think that Ryoji dislikes humans. He cares for them greatly, and has hope for them, but he doesn't quite understand some of their wishes and fears.]

I think I'm ready to go. And don't worry, I don't mind if it takes a while.

[He doesn't have much else to do, and talking with Diarmuid has been a nice change from hiding away from the rest of the Tower.]

[Diarmuid shakes his head and reaches for Ryoji's hand.]

Don't be sorry. We seem to have some common ideas on the subject. But lets leave that for now and go to the gym. The nice thing about training sessions is that sometimes they really help straighten your thoughts.

I hope that's true. I need something to focus on.

[He hesitates, but after a few moments, he manages to take Diarmuid's hand, holding it tightly. After all that Diarmuid has done for him, Ryoji doesn't think he could let go, even if he doesn't deserve this.]

[Diarmuid smiles down at him and gently pulls him toward the doorway.]

I don't think that will be a problem. You are going to be so busy trying to learn that I am sure it will keep your focus where it needs to be. In the meantime, your unconscious can work to sort things out. Sometimes it's best to let some things be worked out like that instead of consciously. Don't ask me why it works that way, but it does.

[Ryoji follows willingly, even managing to grin a bit himself.]

Thank you so much for the help, Diarmuid-san. I'll try to be a good student, okay?

I have no doubt you will be a great student. Even if you aren't skilled right now, you have the want to become so and that is the most important thing.

[Diarmuid returns the boy's smile and then leads them on off to the gym.]

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Cry when you're supposed to hold it back [closed]

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I think we are just about done here. What do you think?

Sure! If we're bored we can log one of their training sessions after a while?

Most certainly! Just let me know when you feel like doing one. :-)

I'm really up for one whenever you want ^^

And this is probably a good end. I sent you a PP so we can discuss setting something up for a log!