towerofanimus | For Diarmuid [Closed]

Entry tags:

For Diarmuid [Closed]

Characters: Suzaku and Lancer (Diarmuid)
Setting: Gymnasium
Format: Um any
Summary: After February and all it entailed two angsty knights meet again
Warnings: Angst, talk of event stuff, probably death seeking and self destruction talk knowing these two

Suzaku had had a few sleepless nights. Between dealing with everything that had happened, angry roommates and an insane emperor he was exhausted but sleep seemed like a hundred miles away and it was always easier to go out, cutting down monsters until he felt like he was doing some good, rather than lying awake and letting the past, and the present, haunt him.

He had been training hard, in between working and keeping an eye on those he had promised to watch out for. And so despite his worries that something odd was happening in the tower, floors cut off... perhaps another game... He was in the gymnasium going through forms, losing himself in the rhythm, trying to forget everything.

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Diarmuid's mouth presses into a hard line. He takes a deep breath and when he looks back up at Suzaku, he seems a little calmer, but his arms are still tightly wrapped around himself.

"Does he do it a lot?" The question is very tentative. He doesn't want to insult Suzaku or his friend, but still, this is something like a nightmare for him, and he is trying to find some way to strip away some of his fear.

Suzaku frowned, worried about Diarmuid, wondering what was wrong. Then again Suzaku knew he had been under Geass before, if a slightly different kind.

He flinched slightly at the question, "More than he should..." He was silent a moment before adding, "He's good, I believe that... His methods are just sometimes... We were in a situation where it was the only way by the end... He got used to being viewed as a monster... It's different here... I think it is hard for him to not have complete control over events..."

He moved closer, "What's wrong?"

"I can...understand that. The discomfort with not having control. But it sounds like perhaps you are keeping an eye on him to see that he doesn't hurt too many people?" There is a hopeful note in his voice, but that drops away when he hears Suzaku's question.

Still, he is somewhat surprised that the other man has asked him straight out what is wrong and so he can't bring himself to ignore the question even though Diarmuid does look away from him, "On my world our masters are given three absolute orders called command spells. One can attempt to resist them, of course, but it is extremely painful and ultimately futile."

This he knows well from experience.

"My master used one of these absolute orders during the war...to force me to kill myself. Your friend seems to be a walking source of unlimited command spells but not just for servants. For everyone. I think now, you can see why the very idea terrifies me. I am tired of no longer having control of my life. Especially since so many times that loss of control has lead me to death."

Suzaku nodded, he tried at least. It was hard, and he couldn't save everybody.

He grew cold when Diarmuid spoke, because how many times had Lelouch done the very same thing? How many times had Suzaku watched as he ordered someone to kill themselves.

And it wasn't even the worst he had done. He dragged his thoughts away from that blood stained stadium because down that path lay... Nothing good.

"I'm sorry..." And he really was, it was an awful thing to happen, an awful fate. He wished he could tell him that Lelouch wouldn't do such a thing, but it would be a terrible lie.

Diarmuid looks at Suzaku for a moment before nodding. The expressions on the other man's face and his very carefully chosen words really tell him all he needs to know.

His arms tighten slightly around his waist.

"I think it would be best if your friend and I don't meet. I am sorry. I just..."

...I just can't guarantee I won't do something stupid...

"I understand." And he did, and he wished he hadn't spoken. He had warned Diarmuid that he had done unspeakable things, helped Lelouch do unspeakable things and it surprised him that Diarmuid even wanted to talk to him he couldn't expect him to want to know Lelouch as well.

Even if many ways Lelouch deserved to be helped more than Suzaku did. Unthinkingly Suzaku's stance had changed from relaxed, or as relaxed as Suzaku ever got, to at attention, his eyes blank.

Even as emotional as he is, Diarmuid doesn't miss the change in Suzaku's expression and posture. Though he still looks upset, his expression does soften, "Don't. Don't put that mask up with me, please..."

It was instinctive, and Suzaku blinked not quite sure what he meant. "I'm not wearing a mask."

Diarmuid arms finally come from around his waist and he reaches out toward Suzaku's face. He stops short of touching the man, though, "You went really stiff all of the sudden and your face went completely blank. If that is not a mask, I don't know what else to call it. It's not you. Not the you I am coming to know."

Suzaku blinks at him and noticed how he was standing. He slowly relaxed, forcing himself to stand casually. "I apologise, I guess it is instinct."

"It would seem so. And a protective one at that. I'm sorry for triggering it," Diarmuid takes a deep breath trying to settle himself down. "This, understandably, is a touchy subject for me. I would prefer not to judge your friend without having met him, but..."

Diarmuid pauses and then shakes his head, "I'm sorry. Please try not to think less of me for my weakness."

Suzaku shook his head, "You have every right... I wont, you never judge me for mine."

Because it was true, Diarmuid didn't seem to judge Suzaku for anything he had done, or anything he said.

"And I will not. Weakness are so often hard to control or even beyond our control at certain points in our lives. Like right now. As much as I may wish to control this fear, I cannot. Hopefully, after some time and a chance to work through the related emotions, I will better be able to do so," one of Diarmuid's arms settles back around his waist. It's still a sign of how uneasy he is, but at least now the motion seems to be more one of comforting than trying to hide, "Maybe then I can meet your friend. I would like to know more about your world and those close to you. You are my friend after all."

Well that was true, unfortunate as it was weakness couldn't be controlled. "Never feel like you have to. Lelouch... he can be a bit much for even those who haven't gone through such experiences."

Aka Lelouch was a maniacal wreck and most of Suzaku's job as his knight consisted of protecting other people from Lelouch rather than the other way round.

"I understand. You would know the best since I don't know anymore about your friend than what you have told me," Diarmuid falls quiet for a moment in thought before speaking again. "Do a lot of people know about your friend's power? He, and you by extension, might be in danger if that knowledge becomes widely known."

Not just from servants either. Diarmuid can't really see anyone being very happy to have someone with powers like that walking around.

"I know." And unlike back home Lelouch wasn't nearly the most powerful person around. "A few know, both he, I and his sister were involved in the experiment which swapped our bodies with others... I'm not sure if you were here then... Those we were swapped with got our memories know everything we know about his powers."

Diarmuid shakes his head, "No, I was not, though I know I have heard people speak of that time. It was a very cruel thing to do since such feelings and memories are so very private."

And his roommate had been in a particularly messy swap if Diarmuid is remembering right. The other man hasn't said much about it, but even that little bit that he has mentioned seems to bring him a lot of pain.

Suzaku nodded, "The person I was swapped with... we weren't exactly friends, even beforehand." And the swap had done nothing but give them more ammunition to hurt each other with. "He would not hesitate to tell others about Lelouch's power."

A grim look crosses Diarmuid's face, "Have they caused you any problems so far or have they remained quiet?" While he might not care for Suzaku's friend, Diarmuid knows that anything that might happen to him would greatly affect Suzaku who he does care about, "Is there perhaps something I could do to help prevent anything from happening?"

Suzaku shook his head, "Not anything we can't handle. I'm not sure how many they have told though." He shook his head, there really wasn't anything that could be done, the most he could hope for was that he himself did nothing to provoke Jin any further.

Diarmuid nods. He doesn't like the answer, but especially with how Suzaku's friend's power scares him, it might be for the best.

"You know best, of course. Just remember I am here for you if you need my help. It was good sparring with you again. We should do this more often. Not just when we are both upset because of the tower's tricks."

"We should, one day I might even land a hit." It was good practicing with someone so far beyond his power.

"Indeed!" Diarmuid laughs. "I expect if we do this dance long enough you will eventually get good enough to catch me. It is hard not to improve over time when you are actually trying to."

"Well I will look forward to that day." Suzaku nodded at him politely.

"Until then, please take care of yourself. I will see you again soon," he gives Suzaku a smile and then disappears out of the room.

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swordofzero - 2013-04-04 07:50 (UTC) - Expand

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