towerofanimus | ☿ // point zero

Entry tags:

☿ // point zero

Characters: Waver and open!
Format: I'll try to match.
Summary: Professor Charisma does some exploring. And science. Magic science. ~~i have no self control so wow this got up quick~~
Warnings: None yet.

[dorm room 3-10]

[Sleep paralysis on its own was enough to put him on edge. Was this some kind of ill-conceived attack with magecraft? No, that wasn't likely--if it was and his would-be opponent had an ounce of sense in their heads, he'd be dead already. In the moments it took him to properly regain his senses, Waver ran through a list of hypothetical causes for this problem...each as unlikely as the last.]

[Finally, he was able to sit up and brush long, disheveled black hair from his face. Now that it occurred to him, Waver couldn't even remember having fallen asleep to begin with. Hadn't he only just been leaving a lecture hall in the Clock Tower? If he'd fainted, this didn't seem like any infirmary they had to his knowledge. As he considered the matter, Waver idly trailed a hand to the back of his own neck and froze. Though the collar's presence disturbed him, he could figure that out later. What caused him to halt in place wasn't the presence of something foreign, but the absence of something familiar.]

That's not possible. It's gone, how the hell can it possibly-- [He muttered under his breath for a second, double checking to be sure whatever it was (likely a necklace of some kind, from how he was acting) had actually gone missing.]

[One might find him shortly after that, rummaging through his trunk with some very determined sense of urgency.]

[floor eighty-one]

[Standing before the windows and looking skyward was one unfazed lecturer in a dark green suit, black hair tied in a long ponytail and sunglasses resting on top of his head. In his hands are a pen and small notebook, and every few minutes he pauses to take something down in chickenscratch handwriting.]

[floor twenty-five]

[Here, said ponytailed and sunglasses-wearing individual seems to be doing something a little strange. Namely, something with a case full of glass vials and liquids that might scream 'mad scientist'.]

[Or 'alchemist', if one knew better.]

[Whatever method he was using, Waver seemed to be analyzing a few specific flowers in the meadow, presumably to determine whether they were magical or supernatural in origin.]

[Judging by the frustrated look on his face? They're probably not.]

[floor three]

[A library; the natural habitat of clever people, especially this one in particular. He examined the shelves with a critical look, a small pile of books on the table nearby. Whatever he's actually looking for, it doesn't seem he's able to find it. He adjusted the sunglasses on his head as though doing so was some odd habit, scowling in faint aggravation.]

[anywhere else]

[Of course, anyone doing this much exploring is bound to run into monsters. Maybe he's on his own, or maybe he stopped to defend someone else. Whatever the case, he shifted into a fighting stance as though it were second nature and immediately moved to take down the enemy before him with swift, precise strikes.]

[When the monster had been taken down and the danger was momentarily avoided, Waver straightened up and did little more than dust off his dark green suit with a completely unfazed look.]

[Yeah. Totally a thing that happens every day, right?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Of course it is. If it wasn't for this, I never would have met you. How could I just let any idiot stumble across the only means I know of to summon you?

[Waver listened for a moment, suddenly uneasy himself. If that was the case, if everything was really artificial...]

[He reached up and slipped the pendant off, turning it over in his hand as well--there was nothing special to it, a silver chain holding what looked like a broken shard of ivory. Silent for a minute or two, Waver thought over his words carefully before answering.]

Maybe they're real, maybe not. I'm not one to say for sure. But I mean...do you think it matters? For things like these, what really matters is the memories attached to it...that's right, isn't it? I'll confess I've become something of the sentimental type in the past few years, but I'd think it's less about the tangible connections and more about whatever they remind us of.

Edited (last edit jeez i'm tired) 2013-03-08 16:34 (UTC)

[Diarmuid's actions somewhat mirror Waver's as he turns the torc over in his hands, rubbing at the sides in a nervous habit he's picked up ever since he and his roommate had killed each other while thinking they were the other's best friend.]

Yes...you are right. I learned during the January experiment just how important memories are. They define so much about you and you never know it until they are gone. Maybe that is why they gave us these things instead of just dropping us here with nothing to tie us to our worlds. Someone making decisions knew we would need these things even if they weren't real.

[Diarmuid slips the torc back around his neck and then summons his spear, laying it across his lap.]

This though...this is a part of my soul. I wonder if that means it is real in comparison to everything else. And does that mean the metal from Gae Buidhe's shaft is real as well? It was also a part of me, but destroying it might have severed that bond. It might just be a copy of my last memories of it.

[He sighs, hand running along Gae Dearg's shaft.]

So many questions. Maybe it doesn't matter since the memories are there...

[He trails off and then laughs. There is an odd tone to the laughter, though what is odd about it is hard to pin down.]

I should not be surprised that it is a shard of the boar's tusk that was used to summon me. I wonder if the relic was the same for Kayneth as it was for you. Do you think that kind of thing might change between worlds? And if it did, would it change me? He mentioned once he had intended to summon me as a Saber not a Lancer, but things had not gone as he hoped. Maybe he did have the tusk and would have been more successful if he'd had some part of Beagalltach's handle as a relic instead.

I really wish I had any answers, Diarmuid. Usually I can come up with something when I'm asked a question, but there's too much here that's well beyond my scope of understanding. Ninety percent of the Clock Tower couldn't answer everything, I'd bet.

[Waver put his own necklace back on, thoughtful.]

Saber, huh? I can't even imagine. I mean, you were surprisingly tough as a Lancer, and Saber's supposed to be the strongest class there is. I'd call Kayneth a screwup if I hadn't gotten you in the same class myself.

That is part of the reason I'm having such a hard time. I don't like not having these answers. Actually, I wouldn't mind not having them as long as someone had them. As it is, there is no way to make plans which I am sure is exactly what they want.

[Diarmuid unsummons his spear, folding his hands into his lap once it's gone. They don't stay there long though as he begins gesturing with them as he starts talking. He actually seems to grow more excited as he talks.]

I miss my swords as much as I do Gae Buidhe. Moralltach and Beagalltach. They are as much a part of me as my spears and all four were gifts I was honored to receive. I would be interested to see how their powers translate. Moralltach in specific. It's power was very great and also very dangerous. It took quite a bit of skill to use it. I became quite adapt at it, but I still respected its power. That is part of the reason I did not take it with me on the hunt that day even though Grainne said I should.

[He shakes his head.]

I should have listened, but who knows if that really would have changed anything. I was fated to die that day. I suspect there was nothing I could have done to change it.

Do you...really not regret any of it, Diarmuid? Tell me honestly.

[It was something Waver had wanted to ask for a long time. To make the best of even miserable situations in order to live without regrets...he was pretty sure he had been able to do as much himself so far.]

[But 'pretty sure' and 'absolutely without regret' weren't quite the same.]

I'm just wondering because...take what I said about the Grail, for example. I could choose to destroy it and risk the Association's equivalent of a death sentence. Or I could just turn my back on it and go on living a mostly uneventful life as a reasonably well-respected lecturer.

If I do the first one, I could regret getting myself into that much trouble for the sake of countless people I don't even know. Take the second option, and I could regret being a coward for the rest of my life.

How do you even handle situations like that? Or is it just a losing battle no matter which way you go?

I...I'm not sure how to answer that. Honestly...

[Diarmuid sighs and runs a hand through his hair.]

For my first life, I can honestly say I regretted nothing, but some people have implied that the reason I didn't was because I didn't know better. My life was one of blacks and whites. I served and died for my lord even if my lord was not always...honest with me. Still, I don't regret it. I wouldn't change it and what good would regretting do me now? It is all done and that time is gone forever.

[He pauses, dropping into thought for several moments. Finally, he shakes his head.]

I cannot give you an answer about the war. So much of what happened is still so new to me--the emotions so raw. Do I regret destroying my spear? No, not at all. Do I regret leaving Sola-Ui so far away from the fight where I thought she would be safe, but it turned out she was not? I might not have liked the way she acted toward me, but that wasn't her fault. Despite her magical abilities, I'm pretty sure she was strongly affected by my curse. So her being hurt, I think I regret that. Part of me wanted her away before she led me straight into a repeat of my first life. That fear might have influenced my decision to leave her so far away. If it did, I did her wrong. I left her in danger for my own selfish reasons and that will never be okay with me.

And...here? Do I regret my actions here? I have made mistakes, and I have done things I thought I would regret and they turned out to be for the best. I think in the end, only you can decide what is the right choice for you. However, if I might suggest it, I think the best way to decide if continuing on your quest to destroy the Grail is right is not to ask others about it, but to honestly ask yourself about it. Think not of what you will be doing for everyone else, but for yourself. Is there something that you, deep down, will get out of it? Will it make you truly happy to do this for no one else but you? If you can say yes to that, then I think you will be far more likely to never regret the choice.

... [Sometimes he hated when Diarmuid was right. Not that he could disagree even if he wanted to. Waver himself had started to take on the view of things in black and white, right or wrong. Now he was kicking himself for needing Diarmuid of all people to shove him back in the right direction. For all he talked about an equal relationship between Master and Servant, he still felt deeply indebted to the knight in ways that defied most expression: to be again set on a proper course by him just seemed to make the scales of equivalence even more unbalanced.]

I don't...know if I really care what happens to me. Not that I have a deathwish--I'm not exactly in a hurry to get myself killed doing something stupid. What I mean is more that if I know doing something stupid and probably getting in unimaginable trouble for it is going to help people--especially you--then I don't think I could ever live with myself knowing I'd played it safe instead.

There's not a whole lot of people I like or even tolerate much, but that doesn't mean I'd abandon them if they needed my help. Even if it costs me my life, my title, or whatever else I have, I would want to do it.

...Just don't tell anyone. Even I've got a reputation to keep up, you know? People start finding out the second Lord El-Melloi gives a damn about them, everything just falls apart. Hell of a pain in the neck.

[Diarmuid smiles. From their earlier talk, he had gotten the impression that Waver had already made his choice. Sometimes, though, it doesn't hurt to be reminded of why.]

I think you already have your answer then, yes? You want to help those people. Just because your focus is on them doesn't mean that you aren't also doing something for yourself. I have had to explain that to so many people since I arrived. They just don't understand how me helping people is also doing something for myself.

[He reaches out and claps Waver on the shoulder.]

I promise that I won't tell anyone you have a heart, but you need to promise me you will not completely turn into me. Don't start neglecting yourself everything or saying that you don't matter, because you do. Maybe not to yourself or to anyone else, but you mean everything to me.

[A shy look crosses Diarmuid's face and he looks away, hand dropping from Waver's shoulder.]

Perhaps I worry too much. I shouldn't assume you will be so foolish as I have been.

Worry all you want. I'm not really the catastrophe I used to be, but it's not unheard of for me to screw up now and then. I can promise you, though, I'll be a little more careful.

[Waver smiled slightly, reaching over to rest a hand over one of Diarmuid's own.]

But I want you to be careful too. Don't think like that so much; you mean more to me than I can probably ever explain.

Thank you.

[Diarmuid bows his head embarrassed by Waver's concern, but also by the words he's about to speak.]

I-I know. I already learned that lesson the hard way. Last month I focused so much on helping others and not taking care of myself that I eventually became so mentally exhausted that I froze in the middle of a fight. That got both me and my roommate killed.

[He shakes his head.]

We are just fortunate that death isn't permanent here, and I have the chance to learn from my mistake. Still, I got my hero killed. I will never forgive myself for that even if he doesn't blame me.

We all make mistakes, Diarmuid. Be upset about it if you want, but try not to hold it over your own head forever.

[Diarmuid tries to smile to reassure Waver, but he can't quite do it.]

I am trying not to. He doesn't blame me and has told me he doesn't want me to blame myself, so I'm trying. I really am.

[He laughs a small, hollow laugh.]

We keep trying to place the blame where it should be--with the tower--but it's hard not to place blame on ourselves too. We are so used to having control of ourselves. Still, we have no control over ourselves here. All the control is with the tower and the administrators until we find a way to change that.

[Waver hesitantly put an arm over Diarmuid's shoulders, managing a smile of his own.]

It's difficult. And it likely won't stop being difficult; if this place is really going to manipulate us, odds are it will only get worse. We'll just have to keep picking ourselves up after every failure so we can keep fighting until it's over one way or another.

You can do that, right? Will you fight with me until we figure out how to get out of here?

[Diarmuid looks up and meets Waver's eyes. While the nod he gives is confident, there is also sadness in his eyes.]

Yes, and I have already promised another that I will fight and work to get everyone home. I...I am just sad that when that happens I will either cease to exist or have to stay here while you all leave.

[He sighs and looks away shaking his head.]

Maybe it shouldn't matter since you guys would all be safe and happy, but I...

[He takes a deep breath and then looks back up at Waver.]

You wouldn't let me having to stay behind ruin your happiness would you?

Edited 2013-03-10 01:36 (UTC)

...

[He didn't answer--until then, that conclusion hadn't even crossed his mind. But it was obvious--Servants couldn't exist without a Master, not in the real and normally-functioning world.]

[But if the problem was obvious, so was the solution.]

I don't know how difficult it might be to support a Servant without the Grail being active--more so after we dismantle it. But if I can--if you would be okay with letting me try--then come back with me. I'll break the rules of this damned world if that's what it'll take to keep you from vanishing or staying here.

[Diarmuid's head comes up, his eyes wide in shock. He actually can't find the words to express how he feels, though he tries several times to say something. Finally, he just tilts to the side, his head coming to rest against Waver's shoulder. As much as he wants to hold back the tears that spring to his eyes he can't. Not because he's upset. Not because he's sad.

Because he's so happy. He's not sure if he's ever felt this happy before.]

...Thank you. Thank...you...

Diarmuid....come on, don't just--

[Oh, goddammit.]

You idiot. You really think I'd leave you behind?

I'm sorry.

[Diarmuid reaches up and rubs at his eyes trying desperately to stop the tears.]

I know. I should be stronger. I shouldn't be breaking down like this, but when I decided that my goal would be to help people until we could find a way to go home, I just accepted that I would either be stuck here or just...end. As much as it hurt, I just accepted that. That's one reason I was denying myself so much. Why should I have anything or waste time on myself when I was just going to disappear?

It was wrong, I know, but...

[He falls silent and shuts his eyes trying to pull himself together by using Waver's calming presence as an anchor.]

...you're such an idiot sometimes, you know that?

[Waver sighed, forcing himself to keep his own composure. Nobody needed both of them cracking, after all.]

There's no shame in breaking down. Nobody can stay composed permanently, least of all in a place like this. If you're hurt, go ahead and cry about it. I won't think less of anyone for that.

But listen: Master and Servant should be able to share in everything--victory and defeat all the same. If you have to stay here, so will I.

[Diarmuid nods slowly in agreement with Waver's words until he gets to the part about staying behind if Diarmuid can't leave. When he hears that, Diarmuid sits up and shakes his head, wiping away the last of his tears.]

No, I appreciate your offer, but I can't let you do that. There is too much you have to do back on your world. If you don't deal with the Grail, who will? I can't let you sacrifice all of that just so I won't be alone. You will remember me, right? That will be the important thing.

[Though, even as he says it, Diarmuid feels an emptiness in his stomach. It's true. He wouldn't want Waver to stay here just because of him. Not with all the other man has to do back on his world, but the last thing Diarmuid wants it to be alone--to be abandoned--again.]

I know, but I-I can't just leave you here if you really won't be able to come back with me.

[Diarmuid shakes his head sadly.]

All those people versus one life. You and I both know that wouldn't be right. Especially not since I have already lived not once, not twice, but three times.

[He pauses and then puts out a hand to gently touch Waver's face.]

I know. You are going to say that I'm still important. You will just have to promise me you will find you way back to me or find a way to call me to you someday once your work is done. That's all there is to it, right? If you are going to break the rules, break them all.

...yeah. If I can't bring you home from here, I'll drag you there myself.

[He put a hand over Diarmuid's with a shaky laugh, having a difficult time keeping his own composure in place now.]

But we don't...have to worry about that right now. We should be more concerned with getting everyone out of here, right?

Yes, you are right. There is a long way to go yet before we get to that point.

[He smiles gently at Waver.]

Hey, if you need to let it out, do it. You know I won't judge you for it. You have as much right as I do and it will make you feel better afterward. Holding it inside in this place...it just doesn't do any good. Somehow the tower always finds a way to feed on those inner feelings no matter how hard you try to hide or deny them.

I'm...fine. Really.

[For all that he said--and really did believe--about emotions and the like, Waver was accustomed to being in a position where he simply couldn't wear his proverbial heart on his sleeve. No one would respect a lord that fell apart at the drop of a hat; he was already pushing it by lacking natural magic talent.]

no subject

*pats* Shoveling snow is hard work. I'm lucky. It missed my part of PA this time...

/cries into hands

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

pats Shoveling snow is hard work. I'm lucky. It missed my part of PA this time...