towerofanimus | [open; dated 4/20] // dream fades before dawn

Entry tags:

[open; dated 4/20] // dream fades before dawn

Characters: Waver and open!
Setting: Floor 25
Format: Action, but I will try to match.
Summary: Someone doesn't cope well with screwing up.
Warnings: None yet.

[Since his revival, Waver hadn't slept. He certainly hadn't eaten, considering the miserable state of the cafeteria's choices. Not that he thought it mattered; there were more important things to do.]

[Twice, twice now he'd failed and gotten himself killed. This time it wasn't the death itself that bothered him (though painful, it had at least been quick) so much as it was the circumstances surrounding it. If he hadn't hesitated, if he hadn't faltered, if he hadn't been terrible with one of the most basic forms of magecraft...a thousand 'if' possibilities had run through his head countless times over by now.]

[Waver could be found sitting in the meadow on the twenty-fifth floor, and in time he'd surrounded himself with scattered and discarded notebook pages--upon which were drawn sigils both magical and alchemical in nature. It was clear he'd spent hours there (if not a day or two) doing...what was he doing? There was a small knife in his left hand, which Waver seemed to be using to cut various parts off flowers; sometimes focusing on only one, and occasionally several at a time.]

[However many he'd damaged, the green-suited magus would then hold out his hand and appear to be in deep concentration. If he was lucky, a pale green light would flicker and crackle around his hand, and the flowers would appear to slowly repair themselves.]

[...But he usually wasn't lucky. Waver estimated that even after endless hours' practice, his healing magecraft would only work approximately five times out of ten, and would only heal effectively three out of those five. No matter; he had absolutely no intention of leaving this floor until he got it right. What had begun as a harsh realization of the need for practice had rapidly spiraled downward into an obsessive task of repeated motions and stubborn fixation.]

[For him, healing was a difficult thing, one which all his thoughts had to be focused on. Unfortunately, he was thinking of far too many more troubling things; his obsessive practice had turned to an exercise in futility.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'll just need to adapt a little more quickly, then. Right?

[Diarmuid smiles gently.]

You and me both, but it is no easy task. I've been trying ever since I arrived, but it's hard to better yourself when this place finds whatever little doubt you have and then tears it open and forces you to deal with it.

The best I can suggest is to try and make sure you take care of yourself and that means not missing sleep or meals. I have found that even though I don't need to eat or sleep, I work better and am more focused when I do.

I never have been very good at that, I'll have to admit.

[no shit sherlock.]

I've gone days on end without sleeping before, and I've definitely been so busy I've forgotten to eat now and then. I'll probably have to watch my step around here.

[Diarmuid's smile turns into a grin.]

Well, it's either that or get used to life with me hovering over your elbow making sure you do eat and sleep. I expect that would get annoying pretty fast, but if it got you to take care of yourself...

I might not mind you following me around all the time, really.

There is a difference between following and hovering, my friend. You should have see my kids complain when daddy went into hover mode after they had been hurt or while they were sick. I think they hated me for a while after each time because I drove them crazy making sure they rested and all of that. Of course, they always got better fast, so that is really all I cared about.

Heh-...seems like a funny thing to complain about.

[Waver's laugh was a little too halfhearted for his own taste.]

That's a pretty normal thing for parents, isn't it?

I couldn't tell you. Somehow, I doubt I was a normal parent.

[Diarmuid finally sits near Waver on the bed, swinging his legs up on it so they aren't sitting on that spot. He folds his arms over his knees and rests his chin on them looking at his friend.]

Since I couldn't really go out and fight with the Fianna anymore my kids kind of became everything to me. Them and the homestead. That was my focus. Making it the best it could be so that everyone could live happily.

[It was an awkward subject for Waver, to say the least. He tried not to show any sign of that; though steady, his tone had a note of some distant thought to it.]

I'd assume any ordinary parents would want the best for their children. Family's important, right? I mean, if you're not the kind of insane person that just wants to have an heir to their skills and Magic Crest.

Sadly, magi of your day were not the only people who had children for completely inappropriate reasons. I ran into too many people in my time who saw their children only as a way to increase their own name because they didn't want to do the work themselves.

[Diarmuid's face darkens, suddenly as memories he would rather forget resurface.]

The man responsible for my birth.... He was one of them. Thankfully, I had Aengus and Caer to take up his slack. Many many others were not so lucky.

...Sorry to hear that.

[His words were awkward, but the sentiment was honest enough.]

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

Don't be sorry. I think I turned out pretty well. But...why are you so uncomfortable talking about this? Is it because you lost your parents so early?

It's not like it's a sensitive subject. It was such a long time ago I would say I've long since gotten over it. But hell if I know much about normal parents or what they're supposed to do. Mine certainly weren't 'normal' by magic society's standards, but I'd assume they were standard by 'ordinary acceptable human being' definitions.

I guess it's just a little awkward for me to try to discuss family, where I've not had one in at least twelve or thirteen years.

[Diarmuid nods, his expression saddening.]

Do you ever wish that they hadn't died so soon? Wondered what you would have been liked if you hadn't had to be alone for so long? I know I would have been a lot different if my father hadn't always been so close to me. I...probably would not have survived to have my own children without him. I might not have survived childhood if I am completely honest.

That's not something I ever spent much time contemplating, but...I don't know, let me think.

[Waver paused, thoughtfully toying with the silver chain around his neck.]

Odds are I might've been a little better prepared for the kind of people 'real' magi are. There was some optimistic ideal I'd built up in my mind back then that was completely idiotic in hindsight.

[Lowering his hand, Waver shrugged dismissively.]

It hardly matters. Things were as they were, there's no changing it now.

I suppose you are right, though sometimes I still can't help but wonder how different I would be if he had raised me.

[Diarmuid laughs bitterly.]

Of course, then I remember how foolish is it of me to think he would have ever actually taken the time to raise his child. If not Aengus, he would have found someone else to do it. All he cared about was the glory that came with being a knight. He never actually was one which is why he looked so hard to me to make his name when he could not.

...You think too hard about troubling things, my friend. Don't you think that's only going to lead to pain?

Probably.

[Diarmuid signs.]

It is a bad habit of mine. One I would like to be rid of, but it is not an easy thing to do since it has developed from my habit of trying to think of all the ways a battle or fight could go while I was in the Fianna. Not expecting the unexpected could easily lead to death. I saw it happen to many times on the battle field. I made that happen many times if I am honest.

However, searching for everything that could happen means thinking about all of the bad things too, and I am afraid after I arrived here the thought process spread to other things besides fighting while I was not looking.

I won't hold it against you--I learned to think much the same way. It's safer to be cautious. But I can promise you it's better to be just a little more optimistic off the battlefield.

It is. I know it is, but it is hard to ever not feel like you are on a battlefield in this place. I used to feel this room was one place I could relax a little and let my thoughts drift to more positive things. It's why I stayed here so much while I was trying to straighten my head out.

[His eyes dart to that spot by the bed for a moment and just as quickly dart away again.]

I don't feel so safe here anymore. Now I just feel like I am on full alert everywhere.

...I see. [Waver sighed, crossing his arms.]

I don't suppose it would help if I invited you back to mine? [A laugh.] Not to sound too forward.

[Diarmuid smiles gently at him.]

I appreciate it. I thought of that, but I hate having to bother you so much. I know you say you don't mind having me around, but at the same time I can't help but worry about bothering you or causing you to grow tired of me.

Don't be ridiculous. You honestly think I could get tired of being near you? The very concept is an impossibility.

[Waver's confident response makes Diarmuid laugh and shake his head. How many times have they had this conversation? It always comes back to the same answer too. Diarmuid just needs to accept it.]

Well, from the conviction in those words, I am going to guess someone is feeling better now that he has some food in him. How about we get some sleep in you too?

You idiot. [He smirked, tone lightly teasing.] I doubt I need to tell you I'd sleep easier with you nearby, so...my room or yours?

[open; dated 4/20] // dream fades before dawn

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