towerofanimus | you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

Characters: Allelujah and open.
Setting: Floor 1 (Cafeteria), Floor 46 (flashlight level), Floor 81 (upper lounge), stairs in general.
Format: Whatever works for you.
Summary: Allelujah's… angsting isn't the word for it. He's depressed and disappointed about mindlessly carrying out orders. He's having difficulty coping with it.
Warnings: Mention of body modification/surgery/Jason being a dick. Also standard Hallelujah warning.

[Floor 1]

[Allelujah sits at one of the tables, a few of the nutrition bars in front of him. He has one open and is staring at it. He knows he needs to eat, but he feels sick to his stomach after what happened.]

[he takes a bite, slowly, and tries to keep it down. He won't be able to do anything if he doesn't have something for energy.]

[Floor 46]

[The stairs have vanished for him again. He hates this floor, hates it so much. The whispers and light touches keep making him jerk away, and he tries to control himself. It's no one, no one's there, it's not even Hallelujah…]

[But he's still pale as he reaches the stairs again.]

[Floor 81]

[There aren't many floors he feels comfortable on, but this is one of them. The sight of the stars calms him, makes him feel a little bit closer to home. It's hard to look at them sometimes - they're not his - but at least they're something. He'd like to start naming them, but he's not that creative.]

[He needs them today most of all. He still feels sick, frustrated, disappointed… he'd sworn to himself that he'd do everything he could to not just blindly follow orders, to not lose himself again. Not that he really could be anything but a soldier, but at least he has his own mind. Or did. He didn't even feel anything during that time he was changed… and he managed to change Hallelujah, too.]

[They were nothing but a mindless robot. Their brains were altered, and while he knows that he's been changed back, he can't help but feel terrified at a scientist who can do something like that. The things he'd been through at that facility had been bad enough, but this… this was beyond what he had experienced before.]

[He presses his forehead against the glass, trying to collect his thoughts. He doesn't know what to do. What can he do? It doesn't look like there's any way to kill him… or any of the others. Not when they can control this place so utterly…]

[Stairs]

[As Allelujah climbs the stairs, he's somewhat lost in thought. If there's someone else walking near him, he might not even notice them. That doesn't mean they can't notice him, though.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've met many soldiers... The tolls of death and battle are still burdens for them, as much as they are anyone.

They are... but we're not supposed to be the same. We're supposed to be seen as untouchable, the ones who take things for other people who can't.

[He shakes a little bit.]

I've been through a lot... but I don't want anyone to go through what I did. That's why I'm a soldier. That way... if I can at least fight to try to bring peace for people... at least I can help people to not have to go through the things that I did.

"Untouchable"? Your world certainly has high standards. Impossible ones... Soldiers are people too, as much as anyone else. They are meant to be stronger, but...not invincible.

Maybe most people don't see us as that... but in the facility, that's what they told us we had to be. We were supposed to be the best that humanity could produce, the ones who would end wars and save everyone.

[He knows it's not possible to be like that, exactly, but it's hard to shake that kind of childish thought.]

That isn't the same as untouchable, unfeeling, without pain. The best humans are still human...

I've been modified so much that I don't know if I could be called human anymore.

You are human. It doesn't matter what has been changed physically... In your heart and mind, it's clear you are just as human as the day you were born, isn't it?

I wouldn't know. I can't remember anything clearly before the age of eight or so, six for anything at all.

It's all right. You're human. I don't think any amount of modification...

*A very obviously pained pause. It's not true, really. What makes a human human? Free will? They can take that.*

...Barring this place's means, could take that from you.

That's just it, though. This place... it's worse than the facility I grew up in. And failed subjects - sometimes even younger than I was, so children who were six, seven, eight... they were disposed of.

And this place is worse.

*Enoch takes that in, horrified at the description, of the idea of "disposing of" children...

...but...*

That...that doesn't...change what I said. Nothing can take your humanity...barring our hosts' ability to take our free will from us...

Mm. If these people can just... treat us like test subjects, like rats or insects... slowly it starts to wear on you. You can lose your humanity easily that way...

I don't want that to happen to anyone. I've gotten close. I... maybe I'm not quite as human as others, but I still...

[He's not sure how to even finish that. He just doesn't want to be that hopeless again.]

You misunderstand. Our humanity isn't tied to things like that. We're human, no matter what - until something that is not meant to be taken is. I...don't know if I could have called myself human, when Ruana had robbed me of my free will.

*For all his wisdom, this wasn't a question he was prepared to answer, even if he believed he was. For all his wisdom, he didn't realize they were talking about humanity in two different ways - Enoch as a physical and spiritual absolute, and Allelujah as a self-perception.*

No, I think it's you who are misunderstanding me - I'm sorry for not communicating well.

I've seen people break down and become animal-like. I've seen people lose their minds and murder indiscriminately. Humanity is a fragile thing... when it's broken, it doesn't come back easily, or at all. You can't see people - people can't see themselves - as human after that. A lucky few people can snap out of that state... myself included, due to certain circumstances.

['Are you saying I'm not human?']

Not according to some definitions... but I'm not either.

[... Whoops. He didn't mean to say that out loud.]

*Enoch was about to say no, that's just a loss of sanity, but...then Allelujah mentions that they can't see themselves that way, and it makes sense.*

Oh. Not a loss of actual humanity, but...when one is treated as something less than human, and their mind beaten into believing it's true...

[Oh. Now it makes sense.]

... Ah. Yes. I... don't go by those sorts of grand ideas of humanity that people associate with religion... I'm not religious at all, despite my name. Genetically, at least in the important ways, people are still human. It's more of a psychological construct that I'm talking about, I guess.

Zo seems to find strong people. People who can hold on, even in despair and pain.

Dax once said the selection process is random...but there are variables that even they don't know. Perhaps it is that inner strength that guides the selection.

Ah... maybe. Though if he picked up me, then I don't know why he didn't pick up a number of other people.

If they can only save one person from each world...perhaps that means that no other worlds like yours have been destroyed.

*Well, yet...*

... At least there's that. I know the others will go on and help fix the world.

you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

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