you see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars;

[egotrigger]

Characters: Allelujah and open.
Setting: Floor 1 (Cafeteria), Floor 46 (flashlight level), Floor 81 (upper lounge), stairs in general.
Format: Whatever works for you.
Summary: Allelujah's… angsting isn't the word for it. He's depressed and disappointed about mindlessly carrying out orders. He's having difficulty coping with it.
Warnings: Mention of body modification/surgery/Jason being a dick. Also standard Hallelujah warning.


[Floor 1]

[Allelujah sits at one of the tables, a few of the nutrition bars in front of him. He has one open and is staring at it. He knows he needs to eat, but he feels sick to his stomach after what happened.]

[he takes a bite, slowly, and tries to keep it down. He won't be able to do anything if he doesn't have something for energy.]



[Floor 46]

[The stairs have vanished for him again. He hates this floor, hates it so much. The whispers and light touches keep making him jerk away, and he tries to control himself. It's no one, no one's there, it's not even Hallelujah…]

[But he's still pale as he reaches the stairs again.]



[Floor 81]

[There aren't many floors he feels comfortable on, but this is one of them. The sight of the stars calms him, makes him feel a little bit closer to home. It's hard to look at them sometimes - they're not his - but at least they're something. He'd like to start naming them, but he's not that creative.]

[He needs them today most of all. He still feels sick, frustrated, disappointed… he'd sworn to himself that he'd do everything he could to not just blindly follow orders, to not lose himself again. Not that he really could be anything but a soldier, but at least he has his own mind. Or did. He didn't even feel anything during that time he was changed… and he managed to change Hallelujah, too.]

[They were nothing but a mindless robot. Their brains were altered, and while he knows that he's been changed back, he can't help but feel terrified at a scientist who can do something like that. The things he'd been through at that facility had been bad enough, but this… this was beyond what he had experienced before.]

[He presses his forehead against the glass, trying to collect his thoughts. He doesn't know what to do. What can he do? It doesn't look like there's any way to kill him… or any of the others. Not when they can control this place so utterly…]



[Stairs]

[As Allelujah climbs the stairs, he's somewhat lost in thought. If there's someone else walking near him, he might not even notice them. That doesn't mean they can't notice him, though.]

Comments

[swordofzero]

I'm a soldier too. There's no shame in sharing your burdens with me.

[egotrigger]

Ah... I guess I'm not used to it. One of my teammates at home would have called me 'weak' if I ever showed even the slightest hint of something like that.

[swordofzero]

I know those who would say the same. But I don't know, it is harder I think to talk about the things that bother us, so perhaps it takes it's own strength to do so.

[egotrigger]

... Mm. Most people are... put off by... well. The second voice you heard... that's... that's Hallelujah. He's...

['Just say it, dammit.']

I... have a split personality. He's... the other one.

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku just nods, not fazed at all.] I wondered, since for some of that time you didn't sound like yourself.

I'm afraid I don't know very much about split personalities, or how they work.

[egotrigger]

Mm. They're usually caused by trauma... other than that there seems to be a lot of variation. I've never met someone else with the condition, though.

[swordofzero]

[Caused by trauma, Suzaku remembered their first meeting, where Allelujah had told him he couldn't get sick because he had been modified.

Suzaku still held Jin's memories, even if he could separate them from his own now, and he wondered if that was the trauma the man was talking about.]

I've never met anyone with such a condition either. Are you usually both able to communicate at the same time or was that just a result of the experiment.

[egotrigger]

Not usually, no. He's always there... but there's only one of us in control at a time. That experiment put us both in control of different parts of the body.

[swordofzero]

Oh... that must have been difficult.

[egotrigger]

It was. It's why our movements were so awkward.

[swordofzero]

I see. [He frowned] Unfortunately I am not surprised they did such a thing.

[egotrigger]

I'm not, either. Though I can't figure out why - every other experiment I've been a part of seemed to have some kind of logic, looking back on it. This just seemed random and cruel.

[swordofzero]

"I half think they did it just to prove they could. To remind us who was in control." He shook his head, disgusted. "Like we would forget."

[egotrigger]

They're not. Even if they're sort of in charge of the building, they're not in charge of us.

[swordofzero]

No they are not. Though I guess they could have meant it as a warning. We have our own minds, but they proved they can take that away from us.