towerofanimus | I'm falling apart, one part after another... (Closed)

Entry tags:

I'm falling apart, one part after another... (Closed)

Characters: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (

ajealouswind), and Waver Velvet (

fionnuisce)
Setting: Late on the 20th/Early on the 21st. On Floor 3 (The Library), Floor 48 (The Graveyard), and Floor 100.
Format: Any
Summary: He should have been celebrating after finally finishing the Tower Floor Guide and getting it out to everyone. Instead, Diarmuid gets the worst kind of news imaginable.
Warnings: Heartbreak, angst, some blood, and possibly violence if Diarmuid and Kain are Lancer enough...

The Library (Closed to Kain):

Ever since talking to Kain during his last Network post, Diarmuid has been on edge and looking for the Dragoon. He hopes to get a chance to pull Kain aside for a talk during a lull in the copying and distributing of the guide. Granted, it's never been an easy task to get what is bothering him out of the solitary man, but Diarmuid is determined to because he is such a good friend of Cecil's. Aside from that, Diarmuid has been happy to see the lightening of Kain's mood lately. It might only be slight, but after all Kain has been through, even a slight change means a lot.

Now, after seeing Kain's behavior during their conversation, all that progress seems to be gone, and Diarmuid wants to know why and what he can do to fix it. However, Kain is being his usual hard to corner self. As a result, despite seeing him several times over the last few days coming in and out to work, Diarmuid has not been able to talk to the Dragoon. Now that almost everything is done, Diarmuid is focused on catching Kain before he can slip away again.

He lays down the copies in his hand and walks over to Kain when he sees him in the library next, grabbing the man's arm and directing him toward a quiet, somewhat isolated, corner of the floor. Diarmuid doesn't try to explain his actions at first. He will do that once they are someplace they can talk.

The Graveyard (Closed to Diarmuid):

He can't go right away. No matter how worried his talk with Kain has made him, Diarmuid forces himself to make the Network post with the Tower Guide in it before he heads to the Graveyard. Maybe he just wants to have all loose ends wrapped up before he confirms Kain's news.

Or maybe he is just afraid and unwilling to confirm this particular loss...

Once he gets to the graveyard, though, the Tower makes it so he cannot deny any longer. Often, he has to look to find specific stones especially with so many new ones. This time that is not the case because the first stone he sees bears her name: Cecil Harvey.

When he sees the name, the world just stops. A roaring and whiteness floods over his senses as his mind refuses to accept the truth. The first real wish he'd had in this place once he had allowed himself to be convinced it was okay for him to have wishes had been to find love untainted by his curse and as he had gotten to know her, he had begun to realize he might be able to find that with her.

And now she is gone and with her...his heart. Even if she hadn't known or returned the feelings...

Diarmuid is in so much shock he doesn't even think about limiting how his emotions echo along his bond with his Master. As a result, if Waver has gone to bed for the night, he is about to be very abruptly awakened by a blast of intense pain as Diarmuid's shock begins to fade. Pain that feels like his Servant's heart has just been pulled from his chest, though instead of the pain just lasting an instant like it might if Diarmuid had been bested in battle by someone, the pain continues and somehow grows stronger before suddenly blanking into nothingness--not because of death, but because of a glitch in the Tower Glamour Systems temporarily cancelling their bond.

When the systems return to normal seconds later, the pain along their bond is replaced by a cold, empty, sharp chill.

In the graveyard, Diarmuid turns from Cecil's stone and wanders blindly from the floor. He doesn't know where he is going and doesn't seem to realize he should be on alert since it's night time and monsters are out.

Or maybe he just doesn't care...

Floor 100 (Closed to Waver):

Considering the fact that he's walking blindly, it's amazing that Diarmuid manages to make it from the Graveyard to Floor 100 with so few wounds from the monsters he runs into. He hardly fights them, in some causes just running like he had done so much in the past. Of course, back then Diarmuid had been running because he hadn't wanted to fight those he considered family. Now he runs just because he can't take it anymore--because he has finally given into that urge he has been ashamed to have felt more than once since he arrived.

The urge to hide.

In that respect, it shouldn't be surprising he ends up on Floor 100 even if he isn't consciously planning on heading there. Many times in the last months he has come here seeking the familiar, the peace, the calmness. It might only be an illusion, but it is an illusion of the one place he had always felt happy and safe.

His home.

Unlike when he usually visits, though, Diarmuid doesn't stay near the vision of his house. He doesn't even stop back by the forest line where he often sits to think. Instead, he goes back to the farthest corner of the floor, back in the shadows of the false forest near a few rocks that form a shallow cave. It's here he sits, knees pulled to his chest, staring blindly out at the floor seeing nothing...

...and ignoring the fact that his bleeding wounds could end up drawing in some things he should worry more about hiding from than his emotions...

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[Diarmuid wasn't the only one running.]

[Up late as usual, Waver had damn near been knocked over by the shock to his system. The magus pressed a hand to the bookshelf he'd been standing in front of as his legs shook and threatened to give out entirely--Diarmuid wasn't killed again, was he? No, this was something different. In fact, it was a feeling Waver himself could confess he was familiar with.]

[But it left as suddenly as it came, replaced by an emptiness that he'd encountered before as well. This was all familiar, but that didn't mean it was right. Something had gone very, very wrong, and Waver's first instinct was to find his Servant as quickly as possible.]

[There wasn't even a moment spared to call up his Mystic Code this time; he simply took off straight upstairs. Up a lot of stairs. Fortunately he was in far better shape than his appearance let on, but once he reached the hundredth floor Waver was short of breath and clutching his still-wounded shoulder.]

[Adrenaline, however, did wonders. What the floor looked like to him went entirely ignored for the moment; he focused on the Archraven that seemed intent on finding the source of the blood it was smelling.]

Get out of my way--! [Before the bird could attack or even escape, Waver's foot sharply collided with it and produced a very unpleasant crack. Aikido may not have utilized much in the way of head-on attacks, but Waver always had been one to improvise.]

[That kind of display would normally have gotten some kind of reaction from Diarmuid. Most likely, a remark filled with pride and excitement at seeing his master's skills at work. Or, if Diarmuid had been in a good enough mood, a sarcastic remark that was meant to show the same pride even as it teased Waver.

This isn't normally, though, and Diarmuid is as far away from good mood as one can be. He doesn't move from where he is sitting in the shadows. He doesn't even blink. Instead, his amber-gold eyes just stare blankly out at what is going on.

It's questionable if he has even noticed what is going on.

Nearby, a soft dripping can be heard. It's blood spilling slowly from the wounds he got on the way up here.

He doesn't seem to notice that either.]

Diarmuid-

[Waver managed to cross the room on shaking legs, again clutching his shoulder and dropping to one knee beside his friend.]

What--what happened? [Now his absurd upstairs sprint was catching up to him, Waver trying not to either faint or hyperventilate.] Hold still, I just...need a second and I'll try healing you.

[Maybe it is because Waver is right next to him now or maybe it's because he can see that his friend is in pain from his exertions, but Diarmuid finally stirs slightly. His eyes blink and his voice is soft when he speaks.

Soft...and dead sounding.]

Sit before you fall...please.

I'll be alright. Let me take care of you first.

[Ignore it. Waver had to ignore how worried and exhausted he was, how that tone in Diarmuid's voice scared the hell out of him, how much his own shoulder ached as blood started to stain his black shirt.]

[His mind had to be focused in order to heal properly; it was part of the reason he'd done a terrible job on himself. Waver closed his eyes, prana manifesting in a pale green light around his hand. Redirecting that fear and concern into the power of will required to slowly stop his friend's bleeding and close up whatever injuries he'd suffered.]

[Once that was done to Waver's satisfaction--which took some time and no small amount of flickering prana--he lowered his hand to rest it over one of Diarmuid's. His own voice was strained by repressed pain, but quiet and gentle regardless.]

Who was it?

['Who left' went unsaid in so many words. Because Waver knew that heartbreak and cold emptiness. He hadn't needed to ask 'what happened' to begin with, that much had been an unnecessary automatic response. What he'd felt from clear across the Tower was nothing less than that sense of loss he had felt twice in his life, amplified and concentrated by someone that never quite learned to keep the same distance Waver kept from most to protect himself.]

Please, Diarmuid. Talk to me.

[But not him. Waver couldn't have distanced himself from this knight if he tried, and he found he shared and sympathized with the pain felt by his friend and Servant. Everything else came second, from the wound in his shoulder to even bothering to look up at whatever scenery the tower would've shown him.]

[Diarmuid wants to tell Waver to save his energy--that what is wrong with him can't be fixed with magic--but he lacks the will to do so. Instead, he just sits and blindly watches as his friend works. Though, something does come from the watching. Diarmuid's enhanced vision clearly can see the blood dampening Waver's shirt. Even though the shirt is black. Even though they are sitting in the shadows.

Once Waver is done, Diarmuid reaches out slowly with his free hand to lightly touch the other man's injured shoulder.]

You're bleeding.

[His words might not be quite so dead sounding now, but there is a childish confusion that perhaps isn't much better.]

Why do you try to fix what can't be fixed when you are hurt yourself?

[He didn't pull back or even flinch; Waver trusted Diarmuid not to hurt him even when he was injured. What the magus did elect to do was raise both hands to Diarmuid's face and rest his forehead against that of his Servant.]

Because you need me to at least try. Someone needs to stop the two of us from breaking when we start to crack, and who can do that better than the other?

You don't have to believe me when I say this, but I understand how you feel. Just...just talk to me. Please.

[Waver's motion makes Diarmuid do something he has been trying to avoid...look him in the eyes. He's been trying to avoid doing that because not only will it connect him to Waver, it will let Waver see how shattered he is inside. Amber eyes that are usually warm and inviting seem to be broken shards of glass now and behind those shards are tears...tears that can't seem to find their way to the surface no matter how hard they try.]

Why did you all tell me it was okay to want things? Because I wanted... I finally wanted something and because I wanted something I can never have, she's gone! She didn't even feel the same and now the tower sent her home because I dared to want something I can't ever have!

[His voice shakes, but even so he doesn't cry. It's almost like he's forgotten how.]

She's going to have to suffer now because of me. Because I wanted...because I fell in love...

Shh--listen to me.

[He'd faltered for just a moment at some strange sensation flashing across his mind--jealousy? Could it have been something like that?]

[No, it didn't matter. All that mattered was Diarmuid and talking him down from this awful sense of despair Waver understood too well.]

It hurts. It hurts a lot, to lose someone you love. I know that, and it was a painful lesson to learn like you're learning right now. But this is important, and I need you to hear what I am saying right now.

The reason it hurts is because you...loved her. Because she was important to you. It hurts because it meant something. And this is the most vital part; what you need to focus on isn't the part that hurts. Focus on the parts that didn't. How you felt for her, how important she was...it's fine to be unhappy and mourn for what was lost. Even so, you can move on if you keep that much in mind.

[Just how much was he speaking about himself rather than Diarmuid?]

[Diarmuid wants to listen. In fact, deep down he knows he needs to listen, but instead of hearing and understanding the things Waver is saying, the words bounce painfully around in his head reminding him far too much of the roar and the whiteness that had hit him when he first saw her grave.]

What right to I have to remember the good or to be happy when Cecil is doomed to wander the wastes of her world miserable and alone? What right do I have to anything when she could end up being Ruana's next meal and the mockery of life that I am still remains here alive and unable to die?

It's not right! She's a knight and a hero! She should be here, not me! I want to trade. I want them to send me back instead of her! Let Ruana eat my soul instead. It's not real anyway! And even if it is, all I ever do is hurt people. Her. You. My brother. I hurt you all! Causing pain is all I am good for!

Stop it.

[It took every ounce of restraint Waver had to not outright snap those words or shout at Diarmuid for being so unbelievably stupid. And it took even more presence of mind to put his thoughts in order properly. Placing his hands firmly on Diarmuid's shoulders, Waver's voice was dangerously quiet and even.]

I've been the idiot crying and going 'it should have been me', and I'm going to tell you right now: don't. Shouting at everything and hating yourself won't help anyone, especially not Cecil.

I watched my house burn to the ground when I was a kid, and I watched when you died ten years ago. And both times I thought 'if I could die instead, that would be fine'. But that's a load of shit, Diarmuid. Who lives or dies isn't something you can make a deal about.

Who cares if you've hurt people? Everyone's hurt people in their lifetime, whether they meant to or not. Get this through your head: pain is part of life. It doesn't matter if someone deserves it or not, it's going to happen regardless. The difference is in how you deal with it. Some people lie down and let suffering win. But you...we're better than that.

It's not over, Diarmuid. We can still save them and you know it.

Edited 2013-07-21 03:38 (UTC)

[Sadly, no matter how heartfelt, most of Waver's words are still bouncing around Diarmuid's head making it hurt more than feel better. And then, for some reason, one thing he says seems to make it though to understandability. One thing.]

You wanted to die in my place?

[If one wanted to be technical, it would have been more correct for Diarmuid to say 'his' place, but in the end the meaning is the same. Still, this is something he had already known. They really were partners, both willing to bleed and die for the other. Hadn't Waver shown that when he tried to send Diarmuid away when Ryoji had attacked them after being modified by Jason? He had died trying to see Diarmuid safe and not for the first time.]

I...don't want you to die for me. I...want you to live for me.

[Diarmuid blinks his eyes and when he opens them again, they are wet with tears. He lets out a choking sob and leans forward to bury his head against Waver's uninjured shoulder.]

It hurts so much! How do I live for her when it hurts so much I don't want to live? How do I live when I am afraid to keep loving anyone because I couldn't stand losing them too? I need you. I need my brother. I need...

...I can't be alone again. I can't be separated from everyone again. Please...

...I was stupid and lonely. What do you expect from a dumb kid like that? I thought you deserved to live more than I did. It doesn't really matter what I thought then--I figured out I was looking at it wrong, eventually.

[He pulled Diarmuid close with his unhurt arm--Waver vaguely realized his shoulder was seriously hurting by now.]

I asked myself 'how' a lot, for a long time. Eventually you just...kind of learn. It doesn't stop hurting exactly, but one day you'll realize it's a little less painful. And the next day, a little less than that. Losing someone you love is like getting an arm cut off; you can learn to cope, it'll heal and turn to scars, but you can't really go back to the way you were before.

[He ran a hand lightly through Diarmuid's hair, voice less sharp and more sympathetic.]

Ruana's not kicking me out of this place without a fight. I don't want to be alone any more than you, and I won't let either of us be left without the other again. No matter what I have to do...I need you as much as you need me, so you're not going anywhere without me. And we'll save everyone together. I don't know how, but I believe with all my heart that we will.

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The Library

The Library

The Library

The Library

The Library

The Library

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