towerofanimus | my selfish desire

Entry tags:

[ou] sertoria cani

my selfish desire

Characters: Sertoria Cani and OPEN.
Setting: Floor 13.
Format: Action or prose. I don't mind.
Summary: After Rick confronted Sertoria, things took an unexpected turn for the worst and now she's in need of a friend.
Warnings: Talk of suicide and...general upsetting stuff.

Earned? You've earned nothing. Removing yourself is a necessity, and frankly you should have taken that initiative earlier.

At times, Sertoria really cursed her memory and how she couldn't forget anything that people said to her, no matter how many times she tried. It's true that she made the decision consciously, but kept it a secret from people that cared about her here as well as those back home. She knew that as long as she kept living, as long as she kept rebelling, her creators were going to continue to hurt the people she fell in love with.

So, maybe it was a better decision to remove herself entirely. Maybe if she terminated her programming here, then she couldn't return to her world and do it all over again. To go through all that suffering, to go through the pain of running around as her creators loomed over her and threatening her at every turn... Why was she making the people of Quaeda suffer so much?

As she was still shaking and still sobbing in her own way, a shaky hand went to open her panel on her arm. Her hand shook as she slowly began to type in her termination code.

People will be safer this way. This way, if my creators come here, they will not be able to have me hurt anyone I love here... I will be able to see you again, right, Joshua...?

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[Zoe sometimes can't help but wander to this floor, even if she doesn't like it. Since she still holds onto the hope that she can contact the Cherubim somehow. Though that plan is quickly discarded from her mind when she spots Sertoria, and she quickly makes her way over to her.]

... Sertoria?

[ Zoe's lucky that Sertoria's termination code is rather long, so she can only look up with a forlorn look in her eyes at her roommate. ]

...Zoe...

[ Should she proceed with her termination code...? It's not even done, but it's better after all. ]

[Her eyes widen, and Zoe doesn't even hesitate to go by her side, gently placing her hands on her shoulders.]

What happened, Sertoria?

[ Her hand drops to her side and she looks up at Zoe, shuddering against her slightly. ]

...Someone tore me down. That i-is all I can say.

[Yeah, not even hesitating to pull the other woman into a hug.]

... Who did this to you?

[ Sertoria immediately wraps her arms around Zoe, sobbing against her now. ]

I... it was Patrick Dawn. I-I am sorry, I... I know I should be dealing with m-my problems myself...

[Zoe rubs her back gently, her other arm tightening around her.]

It is okay, no need to apologize. There is nothing wrong with seeking comfort from others, we all need help to deal with things when they become too much...

[ Sertoria would be lying if she didn't appreciate this form of comfort from her roommate. ]

I-It... it did become too much. I thought I-I was stronger than this.

You are strong, but everyone has their weak moments and there is nothing at all wrong with that...

...What were you doing, when I had entered?

[ Sertoria audibly gulps when Zoe asks that question. ]

...I...

[ She shakes her head again and sighs, biting down on her lip. ]

I was in the process of terminating myself.

[chaos did not usually come to this floor, as it reminded him of what Wilhelm had done to the messages he had tried to spread with Jesus, Mary, and the others, but he did occasionally find himself wandering into it when he was mournful enough and had to think about harsh things.

However, when he saw and heard Sertoria, he quickly wandered over to her, hoping that she was alright. She was shaking and..sobbing in her own way, and while he didn't know exactly what she was typing in her arm panel, it couldn't have been good. Quickly, he spoke, walking near her and sitting beside her, if she was.]

Sertoria, are you alright? What are you doing?

[ Sertoria only came in here so she could at least pray to her savior and prophet. That's what the original plan was, but it was just turned in to an awful experience here.

All she can do is look up at chaos sadly, some of the light in her eyes visibly dimmed because of what transpired. Her legs had lost their strength to stand right now and she was resting her head on a wall. ]

I am sorry... I should just remove myself, chaos.

[Inwardly, chaos sighed at Sertoria's words and the lack of light in her eyes, and as he spoke, chaos tried to put a hand on her shoulder.]

No, you should not. If you are feeling ill, it is usually best to converse with someone about it..and there is no reason for you to die right now. We come back from death here, and even if we did not, there would be no reason for you to do so.

[ Unlike the last few times, Sertoria's going to shy away from his hand and curl up tighter in a ball. ]

...Patrick was right. I-I should have removed myself f-from both worlds earlier. W-What is the point of l-living so long if e-everyone is afraid of me?

Edited 2013-08-11 04:12 (UTC)

[While chaos would sigh inwardly, he would just lower his hand as he spoke to her.]

You should not have. Joshua was not afraid of you. I am not afraid of you, and I am sure there are others who are not and quite a few people you have helped in both worlds. If you were not here, they could not have been helped.

[ Sertoria's going to gaze at her panel and the rest of the entered code. She lowers her arms and coughs, her lower lip out. ]

...I-I should be s-stronger... It is my damned emotions making me feel this way!

[ Her fingers run through her hair and she grips it tightly, gritting her teeth before she sighs. Her visor slides out and she decides to replay everything that Patrick had said to her, including her defensive statements, so that chaos could get some context. ]

[chaos watched and listened to everything that the possessed Rick had said to Sertoria and inwardly sighed again. These words were cruel..but he did not agree with them. When the replay was over, he would speak again, looking rather melancholy..and feeling rather tired.]

There is nothing wrong with your emotions, Sertoria. Did you not want to have them? There is nothing wrong with being weak. However, no matter what programs your creators put into you, removing yourself is not a necessity. Apologizing for things you did wrong and moving on does not fix things..but one cannot atone or help others if they are dead. Actively working to fix the problem is..and you are not the problem.

[ When the footage was done playing, Sertoria merely shakes her head at chaos' question. She loved having her emotions. They're what helped her understand humans. They're what helped her be able to be her own person. It takes her a few minutes to respond again, but when she does, her voice is visibly weakened. ]

...To answer your previous question, what I was doing...

[ She curls up tighter as if afraid of what to tell him. ]

What I was doing...

[ A gulp. ]

I w-was going to terminate my programming. I know that I can die normally here. I died here three times, but I thought that if I terminated my programming permanently, I could not be revived. It... it wipes my AI and processor clean, essentially giving this body a chance to be reused, but with a different user. Get it...?

[ She chuckles sadly and almost dry heaves after it, but that's not anything she can do. She's not human. ]

[..While he knew that she flinched at it the first time, chaos couldn't help but try and put a hand on her back when she had the robotic equivalent of dry heaving. She was in pain and a dear friend of his..he hated to see people like this, and it was even more painful if they were his friends.]

I understand..but Sertoria, this body..it's not the one you have normally. It is simply made out of wiremesh, collar fluid, and your soul, with illusions filling in what we see. You would simply die and be reborn again..and even if you were not, would you want the Administrators to be your new users, or a particularly cruel person, if they got ahold of you and did not give you much of an A.I.? Whom would that help? I cannot think of many who would be happy in that scenario.

[ Sertoria makes a small whimper when chaos puts his hand on her back. She doesn't think she deserves any form of kindness, especially after what she was told. Her logical side is screaming at her to just shut up and take his help, but she doesn't quite feel up to the task. ]

...No, I would not, but I am tired. I am tired of suffering, I am tired of making others suffer while I live and the only way I can think of to make both sides happy is just to terminate myself. I have made a selfish decision of my own in the tower and that caused people to suffer, so what am I to do, chaos? What am I to do when all I do is eventually cause my loved ones to suffer here and back home?

You do not cause everyone you love to suffer, not here or back in your own universe. Everyone here is tired of suffering..but they have not just experienced suffering, and I believe that goes with you as well. You have experienced joy as well as sorrow, and while you might have hurt others, you have made others happy as well. The only way to get rid of criticism is to not exist at all..but that would not stop a few from talking over your body, and it would harm those you gave joy to.

It may be impossible, but if you attempt to help those you have made suffer here and continue to give joy to those who you have not, I think you shall be much better off than if you killed yourself.

[ chaos is right. Sertoria knows that. And yet, she can't help but feel selfish over the way she's acting. What was wrong with her and why couldn't she just shut up and deal with it?

A sigh escapes her and she eventually uncurls, but she's still frowning. ]

...Can I ask you for a favor, chaos? Can you...help me stand? Can you help me be strong again?

[She was distressed and going through a conflict that chaos had held with himself many a time when he had started pondering if it would be better if he tried to end his existence. She wasn't being selfish..she was being normal.

As he spoke, chaos smiled and held out a hand for her to take.]

Of course. We all need a little help sometimes, and I do not mind giving it. I am sure that your other friends and loved ones will help you too, if you ask..though I do not think that you are weak.

[ As Sertoria glances at her panel again, she inputs a quick line of code that ignores any recent commands she's given her system as her visor slides back in to her head. ]

Termination code for CXEV5001 has been deleted. System SPERO is acting normally.

[ She grabs on to chaos' hand and stands on her feet again, using her cloak to pretend to wipe at her face. ]

I... I am sorry. I probably worried you nearly to death if I was going to do it and I feel awful over that. Can you forgive me, chaos?

[chaos smiled as Sertoria deleted the code and stood up with her as she did so. He hated seeing friends die and leave him, and he would grieve even more if someone killed themselves right in front of him, even if he knew that they could be brought back. So..he was glad that Sertoria had decided to not delete herself.]

It is alright. You were terrified and thought that what you were doing was for the best. I can forgive you..but please promise me that you shan't do that again. I do not like seeing my friends die in front of me..much less see them commit suicide.

[ Sertoria leans against chaos, unable to find her own footing even though she's standing. A hand moves up to brush her hair out of her eyes and she keeps frowning. ]

I am sorry. I had a moment of weakness. I just... I am sorry for worrying you and for being weak.

[ Again, she's crying while wrapping her arms around him, shaking in place. ]

[chaos didn't mind the fact that she leaned on him when she stood..or that she hugged him again, but he did hug her in return and pat her on the back in order to soothe her and stop her tears.]

It is alright. There is nothing wrong with being weak. After all, there are advantages to being weak that others do not see sometimes, but..I do not want to see you try to kill yourself again, Sertoria. Please. Promise me.

[ Sertoria can only wrap her arms around him as the pain of thousands of years of torment finally rise to the surface. Her legs are shaky, but she's trying her best to stand right now. ]

...I-I will promise... I-I do not want to-- I do not want to end up upsetting you, chaos.

[ Her voice is just as shaky as she is right now. ]

[As long as she was trying, then it was alright. As long as this helped make her feel better, than it was alright. chaos actually sighed at that comment, but he managed to smile a little.]

Thank you..I would be quite torn up if you decided to kill yourself.

[Shepard had not been the religious type. Never. But in times like this, the church continued to prove to be quite the solace -- offering some semblance of quiet amidst the hell that was the Tower of Animus. There were moments where she even took pause at the altar to pray, if not for herself and for the opportunity to bring about a great change with the scant company she's made here, then for them. It beat thinking about all the recent chaos.

...But when she turned to head back up and continue her work, there was Sertoria--and was she crying? As if she hadn't had enough to add to her stress...

She immediately turned her attention to her instead, and out of maternal instinct, moved towards her.]

Cani?

[ As far as Sertoria was concerned, she only had one religious influence in her life and that was Joshua. The very one who helped shape her in to the person she was today. But, for right now, she can't keep herself together even while thinking about him the best she could.

She almost flinches when Shepard approaches her and shakes her head, deciding to not turn off her panel for now, even though the code still needed to be inputted. ]

O-Oh, Commander, I-- Hello.

[...Well, that wasn't the reaction she needed to hear at all. Something's definitely up.

She'd only talked to her in person once -- and that was to help her again -- but then, when has not knowing someone well enough ever stopped her from trying to see what the problem is? The answer is never. Hence, she gets closer, though just a little.]

You look like you could use a long break. Did something happen?

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my selfish desire

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For the love of all that is holy, robo-frand 8[

Sorry for terribad past. 8(

Sob it's okay, her past isn't sunshine and rainbows either. 8(