towerofanimus | Breakfast With a Side of Hopelessness

Entry tags:

Breakfast With a Side of Hopelessness

Characters: Naminé (

lethechained)
Setting: Floor 1, the cafeteria
Format: Starting this way, will match.
Summary: Naminé's been spending most of the event trying to fight the experiment effects, but it looks like it's a battle she's losing. (Attempting to fight transition to Stage 3.)
Warnings: Angst, hopelessness, lethargy. She's still got enough of a handle on herself to not try to kill most surgical experiment victims, although the more she likes them the more likely she is to suggest an... er, solution to their predicament, but most likely will not actually act on anything unless they agree to it. Hence, possible mentions of suicide or character death.

In all of her short, short lifetime, she had never felt like this.

Third time's the charm, they said, and whether that applied to her third captivity or her third life, it fit. Even though from the beginning she'd recognized these abnormal feelings as foreign and likely related to those notes she'd received, and she'd fought so valiantly for so long, she couldn't deny that they did make sense. That hopelessness... it was the correct way to feel. It was the truth - what chance did they stand of finding a way out, especially with such powerful captors? She'd spent all of her life in cages. The only thing that ever changed was just that those cages had gotten progressively bigger. What could have ever made her think that one day the door would be open? Almost everyone else seemed to have hope, and for so long she'd tried to encourage that in them and in herself, but now... now, she realized how futile it was, how cruel it had been of her to do such a thing. It had been cruel to try to make friends, too, when they didn't even know what she was or what that meant.

Her breakfast sat unfinished next to her on the table. She regarded it silently as she mused, body slumped in her seat in sharp contrast to her usually stiff posture and her head resting on the table, turned only far enough for her to eye the breakfast she'd only barely managed to force herself to fetch in the first place, and then only because her last meal had been breakfast the day before and her stomach would not have it any other way. It was pointless, of course, but the small part of her that was still urging her to fight this sensation had been most insistent, and hunger, at least, she could do something about. It had taken her a long time to convince herself of even that. (After all, if the food was poisoned, it wouldn't make any difference, anyway. If they wanted her to eat poisoned food, they could make her do it and she wouldn't be able to resist.)

Her grief was quiet, and though it was for them, it seemed poor assistance for everyone here, for everyone else who might be (probably was) dead, for anyone that might still find their way here.

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Aqua frowned, lowering the blade to instead tug at the tubing on her collar; she wondered what the liquid inside was. She knew she couldn't take the collar off (she had tried that upon arrival), but could she cut the tubing? She'd never tried before. But then, that had never occurred to her before; a lot of things were occurring to her now that she'd never previously given a passing thought about.

She logged the idea away for later, focusing back on their conversation and the reason she'd gotten sidetracked in the first place: the talk of the tower. "It is dangerous," agreed Aqua, determined not to act on the thoughts that Naminé was saying these things to purposely dishearten or scare her. "But I'm being completely irrational about it. I don't trust anyone--"

That was a scary realization, to someone who put stock in the inherent goodness of people. She had to continue, however, to ensure that her point was made completely clear. "I have to keep reminding myself that I trust Ven, when I know that I trust Ven with my life. It's not normal." It wasn't about being safe, it was about being reasonable. Aqua was a reasonable, rational person; and now, suddenly, she wasn't. That was what alarmed her, more than the ever-present danger did.

She was having trouble trusting Ven, too? It was horrible, even though Naminé couldn't help thinking that that was justified, too, because she was all too well aware that there was such a thing as cloning, and such a thing as clones that were not aware that they were clones. But Naminé knew that Ven was the real Ven, or at least had been when they'd met for the first time in the tower (unless he was a very convincing fake); it was one of the exceedingly few times since she'd come to the tower that she'd ever seen fit to use any of her unusual abilities.

Naminé was not, in her present state, inclined to give the tower the benefit of the doubt. And yet... once again she felt a spark of that desire to help, to make someone feel better. It was cruel, it was wrong, it was foolish - there was no hope, so why should she dare suggest to someone that they should cling to what of their own invalid optimism they might still possess? But....

"...No, it's not normal." She shook her head ever so slightly. "But that's just it. As long as you believe that it's wrong to think something that you're thinking, you might still be able to control yourself." And that was just general advice, and hopefully general enough to satisfy her urge to help while still not awakening the fear of falsely encouraging someone.

She was glad for her upbringing. Master Eraqus raised her as a soldier, a valiant knight of the light. The most important thing that she had been taught was control. She had to control her Keyblade when she fought; she had to control her magic, lest it go wild and injure her or people close to her; she had to control herself, otherwise control over anything else was rendered useless. She had never really noticed before just how deeply ingrained it was, though. If not for her habits, she'd be accusing people and attacking things left and right.

Aqua's eyebrows knitted together in thought after a moment, gaze settled upon Naminé. "So do you think it's right to feel hopeless?" the young master eventually questioned. Unlike Naminé, Aqua had no qualms about encouraging a more optimistic view, aside from the preemptive inability to do so that came from mostly avoiding people on the whole.

Naminé knew from the look on Aqua's face that what she said next might be trouble. As it turned out, it could have been worse. Still, it was such a shameful thing to admit, even if she did believe it (or at least part of her believed it). For so long, she'd tried to remember to keep a brave face for other people, and although she'd had her failures, none were so thorough as this. But... that feeling was unrelenting, and truthfully, there was no logical chance for them to escape. Not with control so complete in the hands of their captors.

"...Yes." Although her discomfort with saying so was obvious. "I just... don't see a way out. Not when they can make us do things against our will." Her hands clenched, her eyes even sadder than before. It was so much harder to so much as believe that there was somewhere else to go, now, even though she had yet to find the proof she'd decided to wait for.

Aqua looked to the neglected food again. "Then you're not controlling yourself," she said simply, with a note of somberness behind it. "If it's really because you're in Group D, then whoever is in charge of this is who is in control of you." It seemed like such an obvious follow-up, considering their previous thread of conversation, but Naminé needed to hear it. Even being aware that she was being controlled would restore some power to her.

Something in Aqua kept niggling at her about the possibility that Naminé was just trying to decrease her morale, but she ignored it thoroughly. Even if that far-fetched idea was the case, then by being optimistic, she could at least show that the plan wasn't working and she was nowhere close to breaking. "You don't have to make yourself feel differently," the acrobatic woman went on. "Just keep reminding yourself that it's not anything you're doing. All of it is the tower. The people in charge."

It was the best advice Aqua could give for the time being. All she had to offer was drawn from her own experience, but she hoped that Naminé would take it to heart.

Naminé turned her eyes downward to regard the floor. Not controlling herself.... She readily admitted that that might be the case. And yet-- it seemed to make so much sense. What could possibly set them free? An outside force, perhaps, but it seemed so hard to believe that there was one that could do something in such a situation. Even if these thoughts were someone else's doing, they weren't necessarily wrong.

At the same time, though, it wasn't necessarily right just because she could think of no reason why it might not be. Once again that encroaching hopelessness threatened to shake her loose of the thought, but she clung to it because what had she ever had to cling to if not hope, in what little portion was afforded to her? After all, had she not been rescued from her first captivity? Hadn't she been beyond hope then, too? And yet she'd been proven wrong. She struggled to hold on to those thoughts in the face of the evidence that this time, the people in control were so much more powerful as to have left her no free will, even if only briefly.

She wasn't ready to write all of it off as the tower's doing, but the thought was almost comforting. "...Thank you, Aqua." For trying, at least, even though the extent of her success may have been limited. "I... appreciate the advice."

Maybe the advice wouldn't work for Naminé -- after all, just because Aqua had the self-awareness required for the actions suggested didn't mean Naminé did. Or, even if she did, that these actions would yield the right result. Not everyone thought the same way, and that was especially true now that they were part of this mysterious experiment.

Regardless, Aqua smiled a little at the younger girl. "You don't have to thank me if it didn't help," she assured. She didn't really even need thanks if it did help, either, but that wasn't the point. "But I think it's worth thinking about." Not saying much for her, personally (everything was apparently worth thinking about to her right now), but the sentiment was no less truthful just because of her paranoia.

She shifted Master Keeper (noting that maybe she should go to the workshop floor to build some kind of harness for ease of transporting it) and moved until she was standing next to Naminé. "Do you want something else to eat? Good physical health can help mental health, too." It wasn't entirely reliant on that, but being depressed certainly wasn't helped by being in pain or feeling like you would keel over at any moment.

Naminé recieved the smile with a shift in her own expression toward momentary surprise. Funny; this state of mind almost made her feel like she was back in Castle Oblivion, so such a kind gesture, even a small one, was rather startling and out of place. At first she thought she should smile back, but then that thought was ambushed by the thought that what did it matter, anyway? But then that thought was shoved aside because even though they might never get out of there, kindness was still worthwhile. It might help, a little, even if it wouldn't make a real difference. So, with an effort, she smiled back. "I meant it. It's very kind of you to try to help."

This time Naminé did not tense when Aqua stepped closer, although she did straighten up slightly. If Aqua was going to exact some kind of punishment, wouldn't it have happened already? Why waste time talking to her first? At the question, Naminé glanced down at her still-half-full plate, then back up. "I... should probably finish what I started. You're right, I-- should eat." It was what had gotten her out of bed in the first place that morning, even if it HAD taken a long time and some serious hunger pangs to convince her. No use starving to death, anyway, as long as she could still avoid that particular end. Come to think of it, "What about you?"

Naminé smiling fed Aqua's empathetic tendencies enough to sustain her own smile as she spoke. "I don't know what kind of Master I would be if I wasn't helpful." Xehanort, probably, but she was absolutely not going to bring up that topic. She'd probably end up fit to burst with all kinds of deranged accusations if she started thinking too hard about that monster of a man.

Her gaze shifted towards the kitchen. She resisted the compulsion to take down notes on the appearance of the door. While her main motivation for coming here had been for investigation, it wouldn't hurt to eat while she was down here. Something could happen that would restrict access to the food supply at any moment, so who knew when she'd get another chance?

(She'd admonish herself later for worrying about something so implausible.)

"I think I will, too," replied the mage amiably. It was a good thing Aqua was in the habit of thinking before speaking and not the other way around, because the silent amendment of as long as the food isn't poisoned was definitely not something she wanted to touch on while trying to encourage someone else to feed themselves.

She ignored the thought and returned her attentions to Naminé to give a sisterly smile. "Do you want me to get anything else for you while I'm up?"

Naminé nearly told her that she was indeed a good Master, but her sense got the better of that thought, since, despite Aqua's obvious self-control, especially in comparison to the way Ven had acted, the blonde girl still didn't think it wise to start saying things that might make Aqua notice that Naminé knew some things she shouldn't have been able to. That was what had set Ven off, and she wasn't eager to try it to find out whether Aqua would react similarly. So, for the time being, Naminé bit her tongue, careful to keep her smile from fading too much at those thoughts.

It was easier when Aqua spoke again and Naminé could tilt her head a little and nod, comforted by the amiability in her tone. From the memories she'd seen, she'd come to think of Aqua a pleasant person, and honestly quite admirable. Despite the situation, it was nice to get to speak to her, and also quite nice to be smiled at. It was a small comfort, but it was still a comfort. Naminé was wary, of course, as the situation warranted, but it was better than it could have been. As for Aqua's question, Naminé paused to consider it, then shook her head. "No, that's okay." She was still hungry, yes, but she'd never been able to eat much. Her almost unhealthy weight was evidence enough of that. "But thank you." Even after having hardly eaten in a day, she wasn't sure she could handle much more once she'd finished what she already had.

"Alright," Aqua conceded politely. "I'll be right back, then." She wasn't fond of the idea of being alone with her hyperactive thoughts for too long, so she'd spend her time only sparingly in the kitchen. She crossed the distance of the dining area, and as soon as she'd crossed the threshold to the kitchen, she found herself scrutinizing her surroundings.

It was so tempting to start taking notes on the littlest things (how was this place so immaculate?), but Aqua didn't intend to keep Naminé waiting.

It took some time to find foods that she was satisfied wouldn't harm her and thoroughly wash the utensils she'd plucked from the drawers, but she eventually emerged with a plate of carefully-sliced fruit and a glass of water. (The water was easiest to check for impurities.) Master Keeper was hung around her wrist by the guard, since both hands were occupied. Not the most comfortable way to carry it, but she didn't dare leave it behind.

She smiled down at Naminé as she approached the other girl's table. "Mind if I sit down?" queried the woman with a light chuckle.

Naminé watched her go, then turned back to her own food. Regarding it once more, she found that it was definitely more appealing than before. Funny, how much a little bit of company helped. Even if it helped because it made her ashamed to have allowed herself to get so down, it still helped. Did it really matter what the reason was? There was more to it than that, anyway. In all this mess it was so easy to forget that she wasn't still trapped somewhere surrounded by people who saw fit to make her life more unpleasant and otherwise alone. Even if everyone would be trapped here forever, to be poked and prodded and mistreated for the rest of their lives... if nothing else, they had each other, and that was something she'd never been able to say before.

What more could she have asked for? It was what she'd craved so deeply for so, so long. She had no heart with which to truly enjoy it, and she'd never be able to travel to the worlds she'd wanted to see, she was no longer alone. They weren't the people she'd thought of, but that was only because she'd never met them before. Perhaps it was selfish, to tell herself that she really should be satisfied, because surely the others were not so easy to please, and if they weren't happy here, she would always feel bad about it. (Insofar as she was capable.)

In her distraction she'd barely managed to start picking at her food by the time Aqua returned. It was just as well; she wasn't quite certain about the etiquette involved when eating around someone else, more specifically whether or not she was supposed to wait for Aqua. She raised her head when questioned, saw the smile, and smiled back. "No, not at all." If that was a joke it was at first lost on her, but the chuckle made her think of the possibility, only a bit too late.

The question wasn't so much a joke as something in good humor -- after all, if Naminé had kept her company this long, the seat was basically a formality. But it didn't hurt to laugh when you were trying to stay positive. "Thank you."

She set the food and water down on the table by Naminé's place once given permission. Master Keeper was then slid off of her wrist and into her hand, laid on the area which was to be at her opposite side from Naminé once Aqua sat down. After her hands were freed, she slid into the seat next to Naminé with a smile.

"If you don't mind me asking, what are your hobbies?" she started conversationally. "We didn't meet under the best circumstances, so maybe it would be nice to get to know each other better."

Uncertain whether she was supposed to say 'you're welcome', Naminé hesitated, then decided it was probably better to say it, so there was a slightly late, "You're welcome...!" Not that the girl had done anything worth being thanked over, but she supposed it was probably a matter of politeness.

It was perhaps to Aqua's credit that Naminé did not feel the need to watch the Keyblade very closely even when it was moving, because after all of that and what she knew of Aqua, it was hard for her to imagine that Aqua might have some alterior motive for speaking to her for so long, whether Naminé was unused to the level of kindness or not. The question was obviously not something she was expecting, and it showed. That last bit was rather bittersweet because it reminded her of what had happened to Roxas at the same time that it told her that someone thought it would be nice to get to know her. In the end her mouth settled into a smile that could have been bigger, but was still decidedly there. "Maybe...!" Definitely, more like, but maybe not as much for Aqua as for her. "Um-- I... like to draw." That was the answer she usually armed herself with for that question, since, really, it was the only thing that she had managed to convince herself to own as something she 'liked', as much as she was capable of liking anything.

If Aqua noticed Naminé's flub with her manners, she didn't comment. It wasn't her place to judge the girl's etiquette, and besides, she didn't know what kind of circumstances Naminé may have come from. It was enough that she was trying.

The older woman listened with interest, her body turned slightly towards Naminé and one arm resting on the table in front of her plate. She didn't expect such a brief answer. In fact, she was quiet for a few seconds afterwards, expecting an addendum or two. But when none came, she gave a small smile. "Really? Was your sketchbook in your trunk?" She didn't want to make Naminé feel self-conscious about her interests (or potential lack of them), so she latched onto the one thread she was given. For some reason, it didn't really surprise her that Naminé would have a hobby like that. Introverts (Naminé certainly seemed to be one) lent themselves well to artistic pursuits.

The pause was not lost on Naminé, but her attempts to think of something else with which to fill the void were in vain - or at least, she didn't manage to think of anything before Aqua continued and freed her from the conundrum. Still, the question burned in the back of her mind. Perhaps only being prepared with an answer so small wasn't enough. Another hobby, her yet-beset mind was quick to remind her, would be pointless... and yet, wouldn't it also make things a little more bearable?

"Yes. They... gave me a lot to work with." A distraction, perhaps, or maybe it was just that those items made up the bulk of her worldly possessions, if anything really could be counted as belonging to her. "There was more than one, and a lot of paper, and crayons, and pencils, and other things."

Most of Aqua's own hobbies were things that contributed to her skill as a Keybearer, so sometimes her definitions of the words "work" and "play" overlapped. Maybe that defeated the point of a hobby, but if they were things she enjoyed doing regardless, why not kill two birds with one stone?

She poked at her food, making steady work of it during the pauses where it was polite. Most of her attention was devoted to her companion, though. "That's really nice," Aqua began. Not to refer to any aspect of the Tower -- even its selection of sentimental objects from home for each of its residents -- as "nice", but it was good that Naminé had options. "I'm not very good at drawing, but I can make things." She had a soft spot for crafts, if the Wayfinders were any indication.

"Could I see some of your pictures some time?"

Ironically enough, Naminé's interest in drawing was rather similar. It had begun as part of her work because it helped with the use of her powers, and from there it had just... continued. She hadn't known what else to do when she wasn't using her powers, and so she'd continued to draw.

Naminé's attention to her food was also limited, but enough for her to slowly clear more space on her plate. The mention of the selection of options being "nice" made her nod in response. She did not make any mention of the fact that she had thought as much, regarding Aqua and making things. "That sounds like fun." At least, since drawing was "fun", in her understanding, surely making other things could also be that way.

The blonde girl blinked, looking briefly surprised at the question, but wasn't about to say no. "--Sure. If you want to."

"I'd like to see them," Aqua returned warmly. Her creeping paranoia had to chime in 'and maybe this way I can see if you're up to something', but she knew that wasn't the true reason she had asked (or she was pretty sure she knew). She idly moved a few morsels of fruit back and forth on her plate with the fork. Honestly, she hoped this "experiment" would come to an end soon. It was wearing her a bit thin, in more ways than one, and she was growing more and more uncomfortable with the fact that she wasn't in control of her own thoughts.

"It is fun," she eventually added, in regard to her craftsmanship. "Maybe I could teach you how to make a good-luck charm," offered the woman after a moment, giving Naminé a politely enthusiastic look. "If you don't already know."

"Okay, then." A smile crept across her face, and although it had to be encouraged, she did mean it. Aqua certainly wasn't the only one who would appreciate the end of the experiments; Naminé would have liked to be able to smile without feeling a bit guilty. The remains of her own meal were slowly dwindling, now that she could muster the interest to eat.

It was quite fortunate for Naminé that she wasn't attempting to swallow when Aqua mentioned teaching her to make a good luck charm and, more jarringly, if she didn't already know, because otherwise, the blonde girl would probably have choked. Instead, she just stilled, then turned to look at Aqua again a little more slowly than necessary. Kairi... was the one who made good luck charms. Naminé had only ever made false ones, horrible, manipulative shams for the purpose of tricking people into thinking she meant something to them. For an instant, she could almost have believed that Aqua knew, somehow, that someone had told her-- but that look, polite though it was, was still enthusiastic. Quick to try to compose herself, Naminé worked to ease her face into a more comfortable expression and only marginally succeeded. "I..." Now, if only she'd come up with a suitable answer in that time. "... I think that might be fun." She didn't have the heart to reject her, even though an instant later she regretted it. There were so many reasons she shouldn't do that, shouldn't take up Aqua's time, but something in her made her say yes.

Aqua gradually picked away at her food in the time it took Naminé to respond, but the strange reaction unfortunately did not go without notice. She immediately sprang into all sorts of wild theories: maybe she did already know, and why would she want to hide something like that if she did? Did she know more than what she was saying? Or maybe she just didn't want to spend time with Aqua -- maybe she was secretly harboring some kind of hatred.

Goodness gracious, it was only a pause.

...and a weird expression. And stumbling over words-- okay, okay. Think about it later if it's that important. Conversation was now. Aqua's enthusiasm became something a little more subdued and sympathetic. "You don't have to, if you're worried about it. But I think it would be nice -- something to hold onto when hope seems far away." She certainly had never expected her Wayfinder to turn into what it did. It seemed to her like Naminé could use something that would remind her to hope.

Something she could hold on to....

That nagging hopeless feeling wouldn't let her get away without a 'what good would it do?' Still, maybe that was why she'd said yes in the first place - it was something tangible, something to do, something that wasn't fake, something to remind her. She knew creating real charms wouldn't make the sting of any of the false ones she'd made go away. It might even make it worse. And yet... poor pennance though it might be, the idea was appealing. At the same time, shame crept up from the back of her mind. Who did she think she was, trying to make charms like Kairi? On one level she was curious to try it herself, but on another it felt like some kind of despicable attempted usurpation of Kairi's role. Kairi was the one who was real; Kairi was the one who had value, who made things that meant something to someone. Feeling a little ill, Naminé almost took it back, almost said that she'd changed her mind, but it was that last comment that kept her on course.

If she was the only one holding on to it, then what harm could it do? If it might help keep her going so that she wasn't a burden to others, then wasn't it worth it? "...No, it's okay. I-- I want to learn." And keep it to herself, once she had.

She wore a delighted smile at Naminé's response. "The fifteenth floor has a workshop. We could do it there," suggested the mage. "I didn't bring any materials with me, but I bet we could find something to use." Between her magic and her inherent craftiness, Aqua didn't doubt that there would be enough to work with on that floor. If none of the tools tried to kill them, anyways.

That wasn't something she really wanted to think about. "I'm in Room 1-07," she went on, "If you ever need to find me. I'm in the libraries a lot, too." She almost instantly regretted telling Naminé her room number, as she was hit with a flood of possibilities ranging from an attack in her sleep to an ambush by an eavesdropper. She'd just have to put some enchantments around her bed. She wouldn't have anything to worry about if Naminé was truly harmless.

The smile made it seem worth it, regardless of any lingering misgivings. Naminé couldn't help smiling back - not that she tried to stop herself. "Okay." It came out a little breathy, almost like there was a bit of sigh to it. "That sounds good." There certainly wasn't anywhere else that came to mind, and she wouldn't have wanted to disparage Aqua's suggestion even if there had been.

1-07. Namié nodded and was careful to remember that, as she was with all information provided to her. There was little hesitation before Naminé responded with her own room number; to wait and use that information for something seemed... to her, at least, a bit too underhanded for someone like Aqua, and Naminé was quick to remind herself that any retribution she might face even if such a plan was enacted would probably be deserved. There was nothing to fear, anyway, not when death was so transient (as was safety) in the tower. "I'm in Room 1-15." A pause, during which she felt as if she should add something more, as Aqua had, then, "I... go to a lot of different parts of the tower." Not that that was helpful, but it was true; when Naminé spent time outside her room, it was often in a variety of places.

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Breakfast With a Side of Hopelessness

i never have either ): i'm not magically inclined

:C

and then people start hunting CR like they do Bigfoot

^ Although I'm not sure how they're going to get and/or fake film, since it's invisible.

...hm. something that detects invisible things?

Heat vision, I guess? Not that CR necessarily has a heat signature or whatever it's called.

...echolocation maybe?

Could work, assuming it actually has a surface for stuff to bounce off of. :O

oh dear god sorry for the late reply

sjbgfjkgf it's okay ;;

/sob how could i let a tag sit for like ten days

i-it happens ;A;

b-but i don't like tagging slowly

:C th-this is a good thing

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