towerofanimus | In Vita Mea

Entry tags:

In Vita Mea

Characters: chaos and you!
Setting: The 12th in the mailroom, The 13th on the 81st floor, wherever you wish on the 14th, and the Graveyard on the 15th.
Format: I'm starting in prose, but I'll match you.
Summary: After getting his 'wonderful' gift, chaos has to deal with his shadow children, who eventually drain on him, leading to his eventual death in the Graveyard on the Fifteenth.
Warning: The usual angst for this event and character death.

chaos hadn't wanted to look into the minds of his shadow children ever since he first saw what lurked in the mind of Shadow Mary. He didn't know if what he saw or if these children weren't an illusion, so he kept hoping that they were as he went about his daily routine for the Tower, which included checking his mailbox. However, he stopped dead in his feet when he saw what was in said mailbox. Mary Magdalene's belt, all tied up to form a noose, even though simple suffication alone wouldn't kill him. Trying to stay calm, chaos pulled the belt out of the box..but that was when his shadow children decided to speak.

"That's a wonderful gift for you. If you hadn't existed, I might still be alive. Earth might still be around. It would be much better for everyone if you didn't exist." chaos opened his mouth to reply to Shadow Mary..but was cut off by an entirely different shadow before he could.

"I might have actually been able to live a normal life too. Or one where I managed to accomplish something. You had to be saved before I could manage to do something for the universe. It really is terrible, you know." chaos bit his lip at Shadow Nephilim's words and closed his mailbox before going onto the stairs, his shadows following him as he went. He needed to get away, find a private place where he could weep over their words and untie the noose. Illusion or not, those words stung..partially because he knew that they were half-true..except for Nephilim's. Sadly, he did not know what she was talking about, and that saddened him.

While he had managed to untie Mary's belt and wore it everywhere, his mind was still pretty lost and messy, so he had come here to think and ateempt to calm down. chaos usually stargazed to calm his mind, even though the stars were false. After all, even false stars could be soothing..but the voices of his shadow crowd prevented him from fully enjoying them.

Shadow Shion spat at him, saying that it was a shame that he was too afraid to tell her the truth, or else they might have been able to do some good for their universe before this happened, and Allen kept whispering in his ear, saying that it would have been nice if he had been able to get through to Shion without hurting her..but now he wouldn't ever have that chance, thanks to him. Jr. commented that chaos shouldn't have bothered saving him if this was how it was going to all turn out, and Wilhelm calmly said that he was worried, something that would have unnerved chaos normally.

However, chaos simply bit his lip and clenched his fists, trying to calm his mind and shut them out..even though it was almost impossible to do so.

Since his tactic from yesterday had pretty much failed, chaos would be wandering around the Tower, sometimes teleporting places, sometimes not, in an attempt to shake off the shadows. Whether they were illusion or not didn't matter now. All that mattered was that their words cut into him like a knife, and if he heard much more, he would break down and weep again. However..he did notice that his collar color was draining as he did so and knew that he would probably die if something wasn't done..but like before, in his own universe, he couldn't think of anything to do, and that just pained him even more.

chaos..was exhausted. Judging by the color on his collar, he was probably going to die by having his soul fly out of his body, but even if he wasn't, he wanted to fall asleep and die near where his friends graves were, even though they kept speaking to him as he slowly made his way down to the graveyard. When he made it there though, they all became very quiet. Whether it was because he was finally going to die or because they hadn't gotten a single vocal response from him was unknown..but chaos appreciated the quiet as he found the makeshift plot of land he had planted thirteen pieces of wood back in December, curled up in front of Mary's grave, and started to fall asleep as he heard her speak.

"Good. So you're finally going to die."

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They weren't that far apart, and the question only made doubly sure that chaos saw Enoch. While chaos wasn't weeping, his smile was gone and he looked much more melancholy than usual as sat beside Enoch, holding the noose in his hands and looking at what Enoch held in his. While he didn't know whom the hand belonged to, sending something like that was terrible cruel, since it seemed to be connected to someone Enoch knew and cared about.

As he sat, his shadows crowded around him, but he did his best to ignore them. "It does appear that way. This is a knot that is usually used to hang someone, usually used executions and common in suicides. It is also.." chaos actually sighed as Shadow Mary spoke again, telling him that he really should stop blubbering over this gift, since he deserved it.

"It has been made from the belt of Mary Magdalene. I do not know who your hand belongs to Enoch, but I am truly sorry." If Enoch wouldn't stop him, chaos would try to pat the person on the shoulder. They both needed it at this point.

Enoch didn't stop him. Mary Magdalene...he'd seen that name before. Not at home or Meridian, but here in the tower. Had he read it in a book or at a terminal, though? He couldn't remember.

Either way, she had to be someone close to chaos, for him to receive such a "present".

"I'm sorry, too, for yours."

Her name had been mentioned on the network before, and chaos had brought her up before to Enoch, but hadn't gone into much detail, other than the fact that Wilhelm's plans and revolved around her in his universe. It was always tiring and painful to bring up more, even in circumstances where he didn't have to worry about the truth or hiding things.

At Enoch's words though, chaos..actually sighed and nodded. "Thank you. I hope I can get the noose untied."

"Why, Yeshua?" The shadow of Mary spoke to chaos as he finished, and while Enoch couldn't hear her, to chaos, she sounded pretty annoyed and disappointed. "After all, you've always wanted to die if you knew that the universe couldn't benefit from your existence. Well, our universe is dead now. My sacrifice was meaningless. You failed at helping anyone or me. Why not try and die with this?"

..While chaos had more self-control than most and managed to not say that a lack of air wouldn't kill him, he did look and feel a little like his actual age.

"I wonder if everyone has received 'gifts' like these?"

"I'm almost afraid to find out."

His shadow children, for a moment, acted a bit like real children, idly fidgeting while Enoch was stationary. The one nearest him plucked the hair clip from Armaros's hand and attempted to fix it to hair that didn't exist before looking at it and putting it back. Enoch watched it with curiosity.

Since his own shadow children were just standing around and speaking to chaos, he couldn't help but watch Enoch's shadow children as it attempted to put the clip in his hair. chaos..didn't want to alarm Enoch any further..but it was hard to ignore the behavior of that child.

"The thought..unnerves me a little as well. I wonder who placed them here-the Administrators, or these shadows? And..I do not wish to pry, and you may ignore my questions if you wish, but..is that shadow one of your children? Or have they not spoken to you yet?"

"What?"

He fumbled for words for a moment before finally coming up with the best he had.

"How can you say something like that and then suggest I can simply ignore it!?"

"Because you may not wish to answer, or find the question too painful for words or even proper acknowledgement!"

chaos sighed, trying to get a grip. That comment could have been better handled, and it might not have been proper to voice it at all..but chaos did wonder about these shadows and if anyone else was hearing their speak, and the 'gift' wasn't doing wonders for his head. Nor was the fact that Mary kept speaking to him, belittling him..and he knew that what she said was half-true. It didn't help that he was already quite guilty and sad about the past.

"It is easier sometimes, for people to go on if they pretend that someone did not say something, especially if it was painful or sad. I, of all people, have no right to pry, and thus, no right to force people to not pretend. The way the shadow acted reminded me of a child, and if I remember, your story did mention you having quite a bit of them. That is why it even came up in the first place."

At this whole scene, Shadow Mary couldn't help but laugh. "Really, Yeshua?! If your skill with words has deteriorated to this point, it might be better for you to die before you hurt anyone else!"

Normally such anger would be quelled, smoothed over by his usual demeanor. But he was still on edge from Rick's little possession problem, and on top of that the swell of emotion muffled the screaming in the back of his mind.

"As if failing to say that somehow denies me the ability to do so. As if saying so makes it possible for me to ignore."

But he knew such anger was unbecoming, as relieved as he is to not have to listen to a little girl scream. His voice becomes one of forced evenness. He's surprised at how angry he is, still. How things are more irritating to him.

"When you said they had identities..."

Not that chaos could blame him for being angry. It was an obvious tact fumble-assuming, of course, that there was a way to phrase that sentence without it stinging-and, like all words, there was really no way to take it back or redo it now.

"You are right in the fact that it does not deny you the ability to do so. However.."

At that, chaos cut himself off and moved his hand from Enoch's shoulder to the noose so that he could start working on untying it. In his head, Mary was mocking him, saying that he was just going to lead more people to anger and ruin like this and that he shouldn't untie her gift but use it. Nephilim also chimed in, saying that this was not the calm person she had spoken to long ago. It was a shaky imposter that should die before he got something else wrong.

It was probably for the best that the both of them quietly got past this spat, since they were both on edge at the moment. Even though he knew that he had been in the wrong, arguments never got better when both parties heads were not on straight.

"..When I said they had identities, that is what I meant."

Enoch stared at his newcomer. What if this was one of his children? He opened his mouth, thinking at first to call a name, but...

...he didn't want to know the answer yet. Finding Armaros's hand was bad enough.

He didn't answer chaos, running his thumb over Armaros's cold fingers.

Not that chaos could really blame him for wanting to delay knowing. He was an advocate for knowing the truth..but he knew how painful it could be for people. It was horrifically painful to him most of the time, and it was part of the reason why he hadn't tried to tell him companions back in his universe the truth. There were other factors..but that had been one of them.

So chaos just remained silent as he worked on the noose and tried to get a grip on himself. As he did so, Shadow Allen spoke up.

"So you were able to give me some advice, but not him? That figures. After all, in the end, we all died, so your advice then was worthless. So of course it'll be worthless here too. You'll fail and die here too."

..That was..painful and rather surreal, coming from Allen, who had complained a lot but never tried to hinder any of his friends. Sighing, chaos tried to work a bit quicker until the belt was finally untied. When it was, he covered himself with it, like a small, makeshift blanket.

"There. It is done."

So many memories were tied up in that one little belt..

Enoch glanced over as chaos covered himself, then looked back down at his shadow children, who watched him with their ever-present pristine grins, not speaking.

He himself didn't seem up to continuing the conversation on his own, though he would probably respond if chaos spoke to him.

chaos, sadly, wasn't really up to much conversation either at the moment. Seeing this belt tied up like that and hearing his friends and companion speak to him made him feel like his actual age, and a thousand times sadder than how he had felt before he looked in his mailbox.

As he stared down at the belt, he quietly traced it with a finger while reliving old memories in his brain. The days they had preached with Jesus, the times they had laughed over fires and good meals, how they had struggled together and how they had lost their friends and each other..

It was enough to make chaos sigh internally and start to cry quietly, gripping Mary's belt and doing his best to not have Enoch notice. The man had his own heavy burdens, and chaos's alone would be enough to crush a person. As he cried and did his best not to shake, Mary spoke again.

"Why are you crying, Yeshua? After all, it should really be me that's crying after everything you did."

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In Vita Mea

Gah..sorry to hear that. I hate it when things like that happen. ><;

I hate going into a tag empty-handed.

So do I..but, sometimes, you can't help it. ><;

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This is so late that it's not even funny..><;