towerofanimus | ITP: Breakdown

Entry tags:

ITP: Breakdown

Name: Saber Lily and OPEN
Format: Starts in prose, but I'll follow whatever the replies are in.
Setting: Various. The prompts mention some setups, but I would not mind if people make different ones instead.
Summary: Arturia found out that Shirou is really Avenger. Considering her slipping grasp on her sanity, she finally breaks down completely and decides to mindwipe herself on floor 96. Strangely, remembering her life again gives her some perspective on things.
Warnings: None yet.
Notes: This takes place over the course of two weeks. Other prompts may be added over the course of those two weeks due to me wanting to keep this contained to the one log.

• • •

[Closed to isthatashortjoke]
I've spent the night on the 96th floor.
Please pick me up.
I apologize if I won't remember you.
Please feed the cat in my room before coming to get me.
--Arturia

By all rights, she should be asking Lancelot to do this favor for her, but she had already asked too much of him. Between the swimming lessons, the chip placement, and the various things she (or some version of herself) had asked him to do over the years back in Camelot she owed him more than he realized. No, she would not go to him for such a selfish thing. He would likely lose respect for her as it was for taking this route. No sense in involving him in such a selfish endeavor.

But she couldn't take it anymore. The Tower, her life, everything. There was no escaping it. The person she had clung to in order to keep herself grounded wasn't who she thought he was and she had no idea what to think. None whatsoever. For a moment she had thought there would be no way out, but then she saw a post on the Network about someone losing their memory and it clicked in her mind.

How often had she spoken of lately about wanting to simply go to sleep and forget? It would not be permanent--Arturia doubted it would be--but it would be a break. She would still be stuck here, still have her responsibilities, and a lot of people likely angry at her for what she's going to do. The thought of suddenly being a burden did give her pause and yet....

....yet the part of her that wanted to give into temptation, the part that, perhaps, Kotomine had played off of so many years ago, kept whispering to her, tempting her, and she was so tired it was hard to resist. She was in her right mind enough to think to make arrangements. A pillow and blanket because she would spend the night. A letter pinned on Veigar's door. A note written in Welsh on her arm saying she would be fine, just stay where she is and Veigar would come get her. Just wait for Veigar.

And so she set herself up so that she would be just out of sight of the door. Her stomach twisted in guilt about how selfish this was, but she was just so tired of everything. It wasn't as if she would permanently forget everything and Amy would be fine by herself for one night. The main consequences would be how others would react, something she was completely willing to accept the consequences of. Everyone who kept her sane was gone now.

She dropped her pillow to the floor and curled up with her blanket. If she woke during the night she'd see the note on her arm and know to wait. It's written in her own hand, after all.

That's how Veigar would find her when he came for her in the morning, curled up sleepily out of sight wrapped in blankets, staring at the note on her arm. She would look up at him and ask in a voice with a childish inflection to it: "Are you Veigar?"

[A: Day 2-4; Adolescence, pre-kingship]
Veigar had done a decent job in explaining the Tower to her as well as the state of her memory. It was odd for Arturia to know she was an adult now, that something so bad must have happened in her future to make her want to forget. There was literally nothing she could picture that was so bad as that.

Then again, Arturia had always known she'd been one of the luckier children. Sir Ector treated her as his own flesh and blood, rather than a servant. She was getting an education, taught the ways of knighthood. Not many other foundlings could make the same claim. Not many other abandoned girls had such gifts given to them. Gifts Arturia had no intention of wasting.

So she did what anyone who was in their early adolescence--at least, mentally--would do: she snuck out. Arturia felt guilty about it, but figured if she came back before nightfall and only went on the floors Veigar had mentioned were safe it would be fine. This Tower was interesting and if she was going to be here for a long time she might as well take a look around on her own, right?

And the magic sword she could summon now was so amazing. Arturia could be found with a big grin on her face summoning and dismissing Caliburn repeatedly, completely and utterly fascinated by it and not caring if she were seen or not. Her body might be strange now, her mind might be in pieces, she might be stuck in a ridiculous dress and an awful tower, but she could summon a magic sword now. This couldn't be all bad, could it?

[B: Day 4-8; Mid-kingship]
As more and more holes in her memory filled in, Arthur began to wonder exactly what it had been to cause her to want to forget. Many awful things had happened to her in her life, but what had been the line in the sand? The thing that finally triggered her to do it? Surely this Tower couldn't have done it. All signs made it clear she had done this to herself, but just what had triggered it?

Part of her was afraid of when she would find the answer. There were still holes in her memory. Holes that were slowly being filled in as time passed. Some she didn't even realize were there until she remembered some detail about it: A face, a name, the scent of grass and rain in the morning, the ache of muscles after a battle. Little things that slowly built up a big picture.

Arthur imagined she would be more distressed by the situation if she didn't know she would get her memories back at this point. It was just a waiting game, as much as she hated it and the idea of it.

This was her own mind. Why would she do this to herself? Why would she turn herself into a liability like this?

More importantly: what was with this white dress and why was she wielding Caliburn of all blades? She had broken the blade so long ago there should be no possible way for it to be here. So how? What was it doing in her possession? Had it been repaired at some point she still could not remember? If so: then how? It was little things like this that frustrated her the most about the state of her memory.

....but being able to summon it at will was still amazing to her. She still had moments where she would summon it and dismiss it just to see that she could. Where had she learned to do that?

[C: Day 8-11; Grail Wars]
Oh, so that's how she learned.

Saber strolled through the stairs of the Tower, a purpose in mind to find any face from the Grail Wars. She had a better idea of just why she might do something like wipe her mind and began to slowly guess as to why she was in this white dress. The memories of the Grail War weighed on her, Irisviel and Kiritsugu and Diarmuid and their fates at the front of her mind. It was when she began to remember the Fifth that she faltered.

Of all the things in the world she had thought possible, falling in love if it was indeed love was the last thing she had expected to happen to her. The more she remembered the more she realized it wasn't for lack of trying not to fall for him. The boy had been kind to her. He'd had awful judgement, but he'd been kind and cooked well.

So what had happened to him? She knew it would have had to end. Loved him or not, she had still been a Servant fighting in the Grail War and she would never put him over her duties. Not when she'd made a promise to the world to fight in the first place. Not when there was an entire Kingdom counting on her to save it. Not when she needed to prove to the Rider of the Fourth War that she was indeed on the correct path for a king.

Arturia could be found in the cafeteria for most of these days, enjoying the food Riki had designed for them. She always did like good food. If she was going to be stuck in a place like this for a long time, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the food was always this good. It wasn't Shirou's cooking, but it came pretty close.

[E: Day 11-13; Counter Guardianship; Closed.]
As Arturia slowly but steadily began to remember the actual course of her duties, she retreated into herself and avoided people. Each death she remembered was like a piece of her heart was being ripped from her chest. It was only now she began to understand why she would want to forget in the first place.

[F: Day 13-14; Tower memories]
It was in the last few days that her memories of the last nine months finally came back; memories of being able to move on her own, of trying new things, of meeting new people, of fighting for a cause bigger than her own. She stumbled, yes, and made mistakes, but when in her life had she not made mistakes?

There were people she needed to thank. Arturia made a point of gathering some supplies then setting herself up in her room to write them. Zelda and Ruler and Legolas and Enoch and John and...

...and Shirou--no, Avenger--she took a deep breath before writing out the letter, then putting it in his mailbox. Just because many whom she cared for were gone and many more were nothing more than the shadows she occasionally saw scampering about did not mean there were not other people in the Tower who needed her.

And who she felt she needed. How many times had they tried to reach her only to backslide within a few days? How many times had people been kind to her only to keep them at arm's length? How much time had she spent feeling sorry for herself when this Tower had given her a gift most precious, a gift only Archer could have understood while he was here?

It would take work, a lot of hard work, and while she knew there was a good chance the year would end in death or returning to her duties, she had to treat this time as precious. Arturia knew she might not get a second chance like this, even if it would be brief in the grand scheme of things.

And so Arturia could be found in the mailroom, putting letters in the boxes of those she cared for and actually saying hello to any who entered. Stupid as it had been, wiping her memories and regaining them had given her some perspective she'd been in sore need of. Would she do it again? No. But in her mind it had been good for her. She would just have to deal with the consequences now.

She still had no idea where the dress or Caliburn came from and had a feeling she never would.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

When she says she didn't find Shirou's name on any of the room doors, Diarmuid's stomach drops out. People sometimes go missing around here and return, but when someone's name disappears off the door to their room...

"You told me he was here. You were training him so that he could defend himself and fight better here. Saber, if you didn't find his name on any of the doors..." Diarmuid shuts his eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry, it is very likely he was sent home. So many have been sent recently. The best way to know for sure is to go to the graveyard and see if he has a stone there now. If so...

"Perhaps, that is why you erased your memory? I can't begin to imagine how much losing him must have pained you considering..."

"....You know how I feel about him."

It was a statement because there's really no question about it. If they had been training together and he was talking about her being in pain from it, then it's possible they continued the relationship while here. Or Shirou kept pressing her until she relented. In a Tower like this with their worlds supposedly destroyed, it would make sense she'd relent. There is no telling if they will ever return to their worlds so why not hold onto whatever they had left?

"Even for him, I do not think I would do that. He.... it would break his heart if I did something like this for his sake."

Diarmuid nods, "Yes, you told me. Please don't worry. I will tell no one else."

After that, he falls silent for a few moments trying to figure out just what must have happened to cause her to go to such extreme lengths to forgot because her words echo his own worries. Whatever it was must have been extremely serious because otherwise she would never do such a thing. It would be a violation of all she believes in.

"Unless you were forced to be in that room, the only other thing I can think of is that perhaps while you think even his loss would not drive you to such a thing, it did anyway. Emotions are very difficult to predict or explain. Depending on how long ago this happened, you may have tired to deal with it only to have something small push you into being unable to deal with it any longer."

"Thank you. I appreciate the discretion. Especially since... well...."

She actually found herself blushing a bit, even if her heart ached at the thought of Shirou having been here and now being gone. Before she could even begin to explain she had never felt like this before, Diarmuid continued and brought up the possibility of her being coerced.

Saber shook her head.

"I know I was not forced. I left someone a note to pick me up and had a pillow and blanket with me to sleep there. I even had a note on my arm in my own handwriting telling me to wait for him. Whatever drove me to do this I had planned it. Why? I do not know. It's hard to fathom why."

Diarmuid blinks in surprise. That she had done so much preparing not only suggested a plan, but one that was well thought out and certainly not spur of the moment.

That realization just adds another layer of mystery to this whole thing.

"I am sorry I don't have any answers for you. That level of planning is certainly in character for you. It is just what you planned for that leaves me confused. While I have no more answers for you as to why, I hope you know I will answer any other questions you may wish to ask me. Is there anything I can help you with? No question is too small or insignificant seeming."

And the only person she'd ever mentioned having a desire to fall asleep and forget everything to had been Veigar. Unknown to Saber as she currently was, that was the specific reason she'd chosen him to leave her note to.

It added to the mystery of what she could have possibly been thinking. Something that she knew would not be answered until her memories filled in some more. Saber took up her sandwich and ate some more as she thought, enjoying the flavor very much. Whoever this Riki is that decided the menu she would have to thank him for this.

A question did occur to her and she looked at Diarmuid with a serious look.

"Are our worlds truly destroyed?"

"While Ruana's powers are so strong that she has caused people to see illusions of their worlds in ruins, other evidence suggests that they are, in fact, destroyed," Diarmuid's expression is grim as he speaks. "Many, including yourself--I assume you have not regained memory of that time since you are asking me this--have been sent back to their worlds temporarily for varying amounts of time. The Administrators claim this is an accident and something they cannot control.

"Whether an accident or not, everyone describes what they see in the same way. They are the only living thing there. Everything else is dead from largest to smallest. It's a horrible fate...to have to wander alone amongst the ruin and not be able to do anything. Is it any wonder that it begins to break even the strongest person in only a short time?"

"Everything about this place from what I have heard so far seems designed to break people's wills," she said, her own expression grim. If that was the case, she could see how it would get to her, but it still did not tell her what the tipping point was.

She herself knew she was not anywhere near as strong as she acted. Not at the point in her life she could remember. To be stuck in a Tower that constantly tested your inner strength would push anyone to reckless dangers for relief.

Saber sighed, bringing a hand to her chin as she thought.

"Ruana's the one who likes games, yes?"

Diarmuid nods in agreement, "It only makes sense they would do everything in their power to break us. Broken people don't fight back and the last thing they want us to keep doing are things like were done during the last few months. That really threw them off balance." He pauses and smiles a little sadly, "I'm sorry. You probably don't remember what we did and this really isn't the place to speak of it. The memories will return soon, I am sure."

"As for your question, yes, Ruana is the one who likes games. Jason is the one who likes experimenting on us, Riki really only seems to care about the Tower and how it runs, Zo is a child, and Dax...is unfortunately no longer with us."

"But broken people do fight back," she said, something in her chest burning as he brought it up. She wasn't sure what, a confusing surge of memory that she couldn't quite grasp yet but she knew would be back soon, the edges of it beginning to blossom into the vast blankness of her mind. A blankness she never would have noticed had the gaps not been slowly stitching themselves together.

"When a person has nothing left to lose, all they can do is fight. I have seen it many times. The people who don't fight back are usually those for whom the cost of fighting has gotten to be too high. When you have nothing left, you fight and fight and fight because there is nothing else. This does not hold true for everyone, but just because people are broken does not mean they will lay down and do nothing."

It was hard for her to tell in that instant if she was speaking for herself--again, that yawning blank space she could only just barely perceive seemed to be transmitted something to her--or the Tower as a whole. Diarmuid spoke of them doing things in the last threw months to throw the Administrators off balance. If they were truly in control, then how hadn't they stamped out the rebellion yet? They could have easily imprisoned them and wiped the memories of their existence if what Saber had heard was to be believed. So why hadn't they?

Questions. So many questions. And Saber hated having to wait for answers, but knew she was a liability until she fully remembered.

A hand went to her temple, the beginnings of a headache coming on.

"This is beginning to vex me. I grow weary of waiting for my memory to return."

Edited 2013-09-05 02:50 (UTC)

"You are right. People like you and I will never stop fighting, but you are also right in saying not everyone is like that. I think that it is those people who they are trying to take out of the picture so to speak. Fighting half of the people in the Tower is easier than all of them, after all," Diarmuid pauses and then smiles. "However, I think recent events have shown that a far smaller number of people than they might like have been broken enough that they will no longer fight."

"I do not envy your wait. I would be upset as well not knowing so much important information about everything and myself. It is part of the reason I warn people away from that room. I do not think a short period of relief is worth all of this. Not when the pain will still be there when the memories return," Diarmuid shakes his head. "But perhaps I am wrong. I am sure you had a good reason for what you did. I hope that whatever your purpose was, it will be filled once your memory returns."

"You seem tired now. Shall I leave you to finish your meal in peace? Or are there other questions you would ask of me?"

"No. I have no questions I think will not be redundant at this point, but...."

She hesitated for a moment. With how disturbing the last few days had been and what she knew would eventually come, any familiar face was welcomed. It'd been unsettling enough to wake up with even her own body unfamiliar to her, but to find people knew her whom she had never met before?

She could allow herself to be selfish enough for one simple request.

"Will you please stay and enjoy the meal with me? From what my current memory says, we never did get any time simply to talk or has that changed since we arrived in this Tower?"

"I would be glad to stay and talk with you. If you would give me just a moment to grab something to eat myself?" Diarmuid doesn't wait for a replay. Instead, he is gone in the blink of an eye and back just as quickly.

It's nice to be fast sometimes.

"Unfortunately, we have not gotten much time to talk. It seems like there has always been some task that has kept us from doing so. Some new danger in the Tower. Someone new who needs protection. For people like us, it seems like there is always something new that must be done," Diarmuid laughs a little sadly. "We are not well known for taking enough time for ourselves, you and I, though Waver and my brother are trying to make me learn. I fear they have a long trial ahead of them."

"Veigar thinks this may be my way of either forcing myself to relearn something or take a vacation of some kind," she said with a small grin. She did not remember much about him, but Saber knew she must have had reason to trust him if he looked out for her as he had while her mind had still been that of a child's. Even with all the teasing about being friends and not allies. Once she was in her right mind and knew more about him, she would have to find a proper way to thank him.

"Your brother is here as well? Brother by blood or brother in arms?"

"Veigar?" Diarmuid gives her a curious look, "That is not a name I am familiar with, but he does have a valid point. This action makes more sense when you look at it like that instead of you finally breaking down enough that you couldn't take the memories anymore."

Not to mention, it's far less frightening since he still doesn't really want to think about what could have been terrible enough to break Saber that badly.

"Ah...I'm sorry, I should have specified. Brother in arms. He is a fellow Servant. A Lancer from a war different than ours. His name is Cu Chulainn. I don't suppose it means much to your right now with your memory as it is, does it? Much besides what the Grail would tell you about him as a hero, that is."

Little did either of them know it was her finally breaking and the one who had finally broken her had not even intended to in the first place. Her luck was just that awful.

"Yes, a very short and powerful wizard who calls us allies. He blusters a lot and is quick to anger, but he's harmless. Apparently I trusted him enough to leave him a note to pick me up and the note on my arm said specifically to wait for him. I suppose so no one with the wrong intentions could convince me to go with them."

Though Saber had a sneaking suspicion that would have been all too easy to pull off with as confused and displaced as she was in her own body. She was just lucky no one else had come claiming to be Veigar and she would have had no way of knowing it.

She also didn't remember just yet he was the only person she'd mentioned a desire to go to sleep and forget to. Thus making him the only one who would have the beginnings of an idea as to why she would go this far.

"Mmm.... I met Cu Chulainn in the Fifth War. He was my first opponent." Not that she remembers much more beyond that. Her memories didn't extend beyond her second night with Shirou currently and likely would not until later that evening.

Diarmuid picks at his food as she talks, thinking through her words, "You must have trusted him a great deal if you left him with such a responsibility. I will have to remember his name and description in the future should we run into each other. I would be glad to fight with or help one who you trust so much."

"So you do remember some of the 5th War?" Perhaps Diarmuid should have asked sooner just how much she remembered so that he didn't accidentally mention the wrong thing. It's comforting to know now that wouldn't have happened, "The Cu Chulainn you fought then, while the same hero, is not the same as the one I call brother. That version is from a different set of wars as I mentioned. In fact, as odd as it might sound, his Saber was actually a male version of you. That Saber was here for a short time, before being sent away. This is all stuff you will remember soon enough, though. I probably shouldn't tell you too much of the past just in case Veigar is right and you did this in order to make yourself relearn something. I would not want to sabotage your quest by telling you things out of order."

"I met Shirou in the Fifth War, did I not tell you this?" she said, blushing once again as she picked at her food. It was not Shirou's cooking, no, but she so thoroughly associated the boy with the kitchen it was hard to eat a proper meal without even thinking of him.

But then Diarmuid kept talking and brought up the fact the Saber this Cu Chulainn had known was male. Her expression goes cold at the thought. A universe where she had her wish? A universe where she had been born as the King the people needed? For what reason would this other version of her need the Grail if, surely, he was the King the people wanted?

Questions, so many questions, and Saber was not sure how she would have handled meeting this man. Would she have liked him? Or, as her heart tells her, would knowing how things in his world went hurt her? Here was the King her Kingdom deserved and she was nothing but a pretender. Would he have approved of her? Hated her? Called her a false king? It was hard to tell, but Saber gave Diarmuid a very tight smile as she continued eating in a much more mechanical method.

"I see. I appreciate the sentiment, Lancer, but I likely would have taken into account being told much and have already been told plenty by now. Though...."

She tugged on one of the detached sleeves on her arm.

"No one can seem to explain my change in clothing preferences."

"My statement was vague, forgive me. I guess what I really wondered was how much of it you remember. There is a big difference between remembering how it ended and just remembering your summoning." Though, if her blush is any indication it is likely that no matter now much Saber remembers of the war, she doesn't remember how it ended.

Diarmuid doesn't think she would be blushing if she did.

"I am afraid I can't help you much with the dress. I know you very much dislike it, but I don't think you ever told me specifically how you ended up with it," Diarmuid does have a few guesses and assumptions as to where it came from. After all, she had wished to give up being king. Since her previous armor had been the raiment of a king, it would only make sense she was dressed in something else once she was on longer a king. Why this had been picked specifically is something he can't even begin to try and guess about, though.

What he does know is that he's certainly not going to mention his assumptions to her when she is like this. No matter how much or how little others have told her about more current happenings, events like what happened between her and Shirou are not something he feels he should be telling her. It's probably something she is best served remembering on her own. Besides, there is a good chance she may not believe him anyway.

Sadly, even Saber had no idea when it came to her dress ~~or that it's just her player's awful sense of humor in play~~. When she regained her memories, she would still be asking 'what the heck?' about it.

"Ah, I see. Truthfully I do not know. It is...." she searched through her mind for the best analogy.

"Think of one of those puzzles they like to put together in the modern day. You have an idea of what it looks like, but not the whole picture. To put it together it gets filled in piece by piece. In general, whoever is putting the puzzle together is doing so from one side to the other--from my childhood to the present--but not all at once. Sometimes they skip to other parts of it, sometimes they work around certain events. Or they simply cannot find the pieces yet and are working around the holes."

She paused, thinking the analogy through. It didn't seem quite adequate yet somehow.

"The major difference between the puzzle and my mind is I do not realize the blank spots are there until I remember them or someone specifically mentions them to me. At other times I simply know things about the present or people I run into, but not the specifics or the circumstances behind it. In essence, the blank spots do not exist for me until the pieces are put into place."

"Frustration on top of frustration," Diarmuid shakes his head and sighs. "It doesn't even do any good to have people say 'ask me anything' because you don't know what you should be asking. Am I correct?"

He toys with his fork for a moment before setting it down, "You told me about what happened to you during the Fifth War. Even if you remember part of it, I don't think you remember it all at the moment. I think you would be acting differently if you did. I...don't know if it is my place to tell you those things. They are very core to making you who you were when you came to the Tower and I think some things are best remembered naturally. However, if you truly want me to tell you what I know..."

Diarmid is obviously uncomfortable with telling her, but he's also uncomfortable with the idea that she is missing so much of herself at the moment. He doesn't doubt her ability to defend herself physically, but this place attacks them mentally just as often as it does physically.

"Correct." Most of the time the questions she could think to ask were very basic ones: Things she could easily find out on her own or confirmation of information she already knew. The majority of the time she remembered the important things without realizing it until she actually stopped to ask herself how she knew it.

Then Diarmuid brought up that he knew about the outcome of the Fifth War, the fact she would be acting differently if she knew. For a moment, she feels as if ice water is being poured down her back and her stomach is tight and lined with lead. The girlish blush on her face is gone, replaced instead with a tightening of her features as her heart squeezed so hard she could barely breathe. Even if it weren't so unsettling, it had the intensity of anything she felt related to Shirou did as of late that left her almost afraid of him and his touch. How could one person hold so much sway over her and the emotions she had kept so carefully controlled for so long? She did not understand. Saber had a feeling she never would.

"....I think I can hazard a guess." Part of why she had been so resistant to his feelings had been the fact they could not be together for more than a few weeks. As soon as the Grail War ended, they would be parted forever. How could he give his heart to her when she would only be forced to break it? How could she return his affections when he would only be hurt through circumstances beyond both their control?

Something she thought they had both been willing to accept on their second night together, as much as she couched it in needing mana than because she wanted to give him one night where they could be lovers after the turmoil the day had brought.

"As much as it pains me to say this, you yourself said I would remember eventually and that something terrible will happen to me."

She knew it was probably selfish of her to say this, but some part of her, the part that was still shocked by how strongly she could feel about anything but her country, balked at the thought. If the thought of the end of the war alone brought such pain and would make such a mark on her she seemed different, then why not let it be for a little longer? The memories would return in time so it was not as if she were completely avoiding the subject.

"I would like to enjoy being in love and knowing I was loved for a little longer, even if it is selfish of me." She said it quietly, looking down at her plate and fighting the urge to poke at it. Shirou was gone from this place, yes, but the memories were fresh, just as the ones of her childhood and the Round Table were to her. The thought of him still made her burn and his kisses, while clumsy, still made her flush with how honest they had been.

"It isn't wrong to wish to be almost happy for another day, is it, Diarmuid?"

A mark contrast considering she remembers telling him she did not deserve happiness, but cannot pinpoint when.

"No!" The answer is fast and forceful and Diarmuid seems slightly embarrassed by how strong his answer is, but this is something he feels strongly about. When he speaks again, while his voice is softer, there is still confidence in it, "No, it's not selfish. Even if it is, that doesn't matter. We deserve to be selfish just as much as anyone else does. People have been beating that into my head ever since I got here. And you of all people deserve happiness no matter what you might think or say. If you take nothing else from this, I really hope you take that."

Diarmuid remembers too vividly Saber telling him she that she didn't think she deserved happiness. He understands the best that he can why she feels that way. Of course, that doesn't mean he agrees and maybe someday, someone can help her understand why that is. After all, he is sure he's not the only one who wants her to be happy.

"None of us know how things will turn out at the end of this mess, but even if it is foolish I hope we all will be able to find many days of happiness. Forget what happened to us before we came here. The fight here has earned us that."

"You sound like him," she said, not even flinching at how forceful he'd been when he'd said no. There's a smile around her lips as she pushes the nerves and dread to the back of her mind. "He's always insisting on me being happy, on finding a way to 'save' me even though there is nothing to save me from."

Because how can you save a person from herself? How can you save a person who is already dead and buried? Well, almost dead and buried in her case. He knew that well enough, but how could she give up everything after working so hard? Even if she did there was no possible way she could be saved how he kept claiming he wanted to save her.

It was weird, talking so frankly about these feelings like this. Normally she avoided the topic or tried to avoid it, but her time here, strange as it was, had given her time to think, and she remembered Diarmuid enough from the Fourth War she could find herself talking easily about it. Especially if she had already told him and he told no one else.

"Tell me: When did you realize you were in love with your wife?" Because if she was going to be talking about embarrassing things like this, she would make him be just as embarrassed as she.

"You honor me. Considering how much you have told me about Shirou, I really regret now that I didn't act more quickly to meet him. He is very strong and very brave for one of his age," Diarmuid pauses a moment and then shakes his head. "However, I'm not sure if I can agree with the saving part. You are strong and if anyone is going to save you, it would have to be you. No one can do that for another. Not truly."

It makes Diarmuid happy when he sees her smiling like that. It's an expression that is far too often absent from her face. While there is little to smile about in this place usually, there are some things and it is those things that help keep them going. However, Diarmuid's happy feeling fades when she asks her question about his wife. Now it is his turn to play with his food instead of speaking right away.

"You...remember my legend, right?" His voice is soft when he finally does speak, "Our marriage happened not because we fell in love, but because of my curse. If there was love in our relationship, it was not natural. I stayed with her because...it was my fault she was trapped by her emotions as she was. It was my responsibility to care for her after all that happened and it was because I owed it to all those who had sacrificed and died during the time my Lord pursued us. I...am not the one to ask about that kind of love. Did I feel affection for her? Yes. Did I love our children? There is no question. They meant everything to me. Did I love her? I am not so sure love is the word I would use."

It is a noble effort on her part. Unfortunately, the subject is not so happy a one for him as it is for her.

ITP: Breakdown

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