ITP: Breakdown

[no_longer_a_king]

Name: Saber Lily and OPEN
Format: Starts in prose, but I'll follow whatever the replies are in.
Setting: Various. The prompts mention some setups, but I would not mind if people make different ones instead.
Summary: Arturia found out that Shirou is really Avenger. Considering her slipping grasp on her sanity, she finally breaks down completely and decides to mindwipe herself on floor 96. Strangely, remembering her life again gives her some perspective on things.
Warnings: None yet.
Notes: This takes place over the course of two weeks. Other prompts may be added over the course of those two weeks due to me wanting to keep this contained to the one log.

• • •

[Closed to isthatashortjoke]
I've spent the night on the 96th floor.
Please pick me up.
I apologize if I won't remember you.
Please feed the cat in my room before coming to get me.
--Arturia

By all rights, she should be asking Lancelot to do this favor for her, but she had already asked too much of him. Between the swimming lessons, the chip placement, and the various things she (or some version of herself) had asked him to do over the years back in Camelot she owed him more than he realized. No, she would not go to him for such a selfish thing. He would likely lose respect for her as it was for taking this route. No sense in involving him in such a selfish endeavor.

But she couldn't take it anymore. The Tower, her life, everything. There was no escaping it. The person she had clung to in order to keep herself grounded wasn't who she thought he was and she had no idea what to think. None whatsoever. For a moment she had thought there would be no way out, but then she saw a post on the Network about someone losing their memory and it clicked in her mind.

How often had she spoken of lately about wanting to simply go to sleep and forget? It would not be permanent--Arturia doubted it would be--but it would be a break. She would still be stuck here, still have her responsibilities, and a lot of people likely angry at her for what she's going to do. The thought of suddenly being a burden did give her pause and yet....

....yet the part of her that wanted to give into temptation, the part that, perhaps, Kotomine had played off of so many years ago, kept whispering to her, tempting her, and she was so tired it was hard to resist. She was in her right mind enough to think to make arrangements. A pillow and blanket because she would spend the night. A letter pinned on Veigar's door. A note written in Welsh on her arm saying she would be fine, just stay where she is and Veigar would come get her. Just wait for Veigar.

And so she set herself up so that she would be just out of sight of the door. Her stomach twisted in guilt about how selfish this was, but she was just so tired of everything. It wasn't as if she would permanently forget everything and Amy would be fine by herself for one night. The main consequences would be how others would react, something she was completely willing to accept the consequences of. Everyone who kept her sane was gone now.

She dropped her pillow to the floor and curled up with her blanket. If she woke during the night she'd see the note on her arm and know to wait. It's written in her own hand, after all.

That's how Veigar would find her when he came for her in the morning, curled up sleepily out of sight wrapped in blankets, staring at the note on her arm. She would look up at him and ask in a voice with a childish inflection to it: "Are you Veigar?"

[A: Day 2-4; Adolescence, pre-kingship]
Veigar had done a decent job in explaining the Tower to her as well as the state of her memory. It was odd for Arturia to know she was an adult now, that something so bad must have happened in her future to make her want to forget. There was literally nothing she could picture that was so bad as that.

Then again, Arturia had always known she'd been one of the luckier children. Sir Ector treated her as his own flesh and blood, rather than a servant. She was getting an education, taught the ways of knighthood. Not many other foundlings could make the same claim. Not many other abandoned girls had such gifts given to them. Gifts Arturia had no intention of wasting.

So she did what anyone who was in their early adolescence--at least, mentally--would do: she snuck out. Arturia felt guilty about it, but figured if she came back before nightfall and only went on the floors Veigar had mentioned were safe it would be fine. This Tower was interesting and if she was going to be here for a long time she might as well take a look around on her own, right?

And the magic sword she could summon now was so amazing. Arturia could be found with a big grin on her face summoning and dismissing Caliburn repeatedly, completely and utterly fascinated by it and not caring if she were seen or not. Her body might be strange now, her mind might be in pieces, she might be stuck in a ridiculous dress and an awful tower, but she could summon a magic sword now. This couldn't be all bad, could it?

[B: Day 4-8; Mid-kingship]
As more and more holes in her memory filled in, Arthur began to wonder exactly what it had been to cause her to want to forget. Many awful things had happened to her in her life, but what had been the line in the sand? The thing that finally triggered her to do it? Surely this Tower couldn't have done it. All signs made it clear she had done this to herself, but just what had triggered it?

Part of her was afraid of when she would find the answer. There were still holes in her memory. Holes that were slowly being filled in as time passed. Some she didn't even realize were there until she remembered some detail about it: A face, a name, the scent of grass and rain in the morning, the ache of muscles after a battle. Little things that slowly built up a big picture.

Arthur imagined she would be more distressed by the situation if she didn't know she would get her memories back at this point. It was just a waiting game, as much as she hated it and the idea of it.

This was her own mind. Why would she do this to herself? Why would she turn herself into a liability like this?

More importantly: what was with this white dress and why was she wielding Caliburn of all blades? She had broken the blade so long ago there should be no possible way for it to be here. So how? What was it doing in her possession? Had it been repaired at some point she still could not remember? If so: then how? It was little things like this that frustrated her the most about the state of her memory.

....but being able to summon it at will was still amazing to her. She still had moments where she would summon it and dismiss it just to see that she could. Where had she learned to do that?

[C: Day 8-11; Grail Wars]
Oh, so that's how she learned.

Saber strolled through the stairs of the Tower, a purpose in mind to find any face from the Grail Wars. She had a better idea of just why she might do something like wipe her mind and began to slowly guess as to why she was in this white dress. The memories of the Grail War weighed on her, Irisviel and Kiritsugu and Diarmuid and their fates at the front of her mind. It was when she began to remember the Fifth that she faltered.

Of all the things in the world she had thought possible, falling in love if it was indeed love was the last thing she had expected to happen to her. The more she remembered the more she realized it wasn't for lack of trying not to fall for him. The boy had been kind to her. He'd had awful judgement, but he'd been kind and cooked well.

So what had happened to him? She knew it would have had to end. Loved him or not, she had still been a Servant fighting in the Grail War and she would never put him over her duties. Not when she'd made a promise to the world to fight in the first place. Not when there was an entire Kingdom counting on her to save it. Not when she needed to prove to the Rider of the Fourth War that she was indeed on the correct path for a king.

Arturia could be found in the cafeteria for most of these days, enjoying the food Riki had designed for them. She always did like good food. If she was going to be stuck in a place like this for a long time, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the food was always this good. It wasn't Shirou's cooking, but it came pretty close.

[E: Day 11-13; Counter Guardianship; Closed.]
As Arturia slowly but steadily began to remember the actual course of her duties, she retreated into herself and avoided people. Each death she remembered was like a piece of her heart was being ripped from her chest. It was only now she began to understand why she would want to forget in the first place.

[F: Day 13-14; Tower memories]
It was in the last few days that her memories of the last nine months finally came back; memories of being able to move on her own, of trying new things, of meeting new people, of fighting for a cause bigger than her own. She stumbled, yes, and made mistakes, but when in her life had she not made mistakes?

There were people she needed to thank. Arturia made a point of gathering some supplies then setting herself up in her room to write them. Zelda and Ruler and Legolas and Enoch and John and...

...and Shirou--no, Avenger--she took a deep breath before writing out the letter, then putting it in his mailbox. Just because many whom she cared for were gone and many more were nothing more than the shadows she occasionally saw scampering about did not mean there were not other people in the Tower who needed her.

And who she felt she needed. How many times had they tried to reach her only to backslide within a few days? How many times had people been kind to her only to keep them at arm's length? How much time had she spent feeling sorry for herself when this Tower had given her a gift most precious, a gift only Archer could have understood while he was here?

It would take work, a lot of hard work, and while she knew there was a good chance the year would end in death or returning to her duties, she had to treat this time as precious. Arturia knew she might not get a second chance like this, even if it would be brief in the grand scheme of things.

And so Arturia could be found in the mailroom, putting letters in the boxes of those she cared for and actually saying hello to any who entered. Stupid as it had been, wiping her memories and regaining them had given her some perspective she'd been in sore need of. Would she do it again? No. But in her mind it had been good for her. She would just have to deal with the consequences now.

She still had no idea where the dress or Caliburn came from and had a feeling she never would.

Comments

[isthatashortjoke]

It started with the letter, a simple object that can convey many things and yet it can also mean nothing at all. All depending on the content, or lack there of. It was said object that Veigar took from the door and read it over a few times.

"I'm not a blasted servant! Why do I need to feed some cat?!" he grumbled to no one in particular, but that was because that was what caught his initial glance. Reading it over again, the Yordle remained silent and deep in thought.

Why would she sleep on that particular floor... Won't remember?

That's when something in the back of his mind urged him forward. While he wasn't keen on helping others, the connection he had built with this particular person was... one could say, unique. Especially for someone like the Tiny Master of 'Evil'.

Once he grabbed his things, he made his way up the floors with haste... Only to have to return halfway because he forgot about the blasted cat! Grumbling over, he overfed the cat and began his journey once again towards the mentioned floor.

It was there that he came upon his ally, on the floor and looking similar yet different. It was when she spoke that he realized his previous worry was certain...

Narrowing his eyes, Veigar sighed and remained silent before simply nodding.

"Yes, I am Veigar -" He had to stop himself from continuing his usual egotistical ramble this time around considering it woulnd't be worth it.

[no_longer_a_king]

"Oh, okay," she said, sitting up and letting the blanket fall from her. She looked down at her body again, at the strange dress she wore and her hand went up to hair as she made a face.

"Do you know why my body's so weird now? And where are we? This isn't Papa Ector's estate."

There was a beat as she thought for a moment further.

"An' how do I know you? You look funny."

[isthatashortjoke]

"You're an adult, I assume that's how your race ages. As for where we are, it's not a place thatshould be spoken about until you are safe as as for who this Ector is, I have no idea but you're not there."

He paused before twitching at the last comment and closing his fist tightly. "I'm not funny looking! I'm your ally woman!"

[no_longer_a_king]

"Why am I an adult?" she asked, standing up and looking herself over. Even if she was short by grown standards, to her current frame of mind she was a giant. Arturia span in place, nearly stumbled over legs that felt too long for her, then regained her balance again just as Veigar finished spouting things out.

"My ally? Oh! So are you a fairy? And why am I here?" She knew fairies could lie. However, she literally had no other point of reference but Veigar. She had no choice but to trust him.

C

[fionnuisce]

[Waver, for one, wasn't hard to find. What little time he didn't spend in the laboratory was mostly spent in the cafeteria instead, with a cup of tea and the general disposition of being incredibly grateful for its existence.]

[Was he more or less completely oblivious to Saber's predicament such as it happened?]

[Considering how hard he was working, Waver was lucky he wasn't oblivious to what month it was at this point.]

[no_longer_a_king]

[Saber watched him for a bit, trying to figure out where she had seen this man before. Some part of her knew she should know him, a strange sort of knowledge that happened the more memories she got back. She knows people by this point, but not how and it frustrates her to no end.

It's after a few moments when something clicks in her head and she decides to approach him. Yes, lengthen the hair and add a few years, then....]

Waver Velvet?

[fionnuisce]

Hm? [He glanced up, tired but still seeming generally alert. Enough to register something already seemed faintly odd about how she was acting.]

Good afternoon, Saber--is there something I can do for you?

[no_longer_a_king]

[The way she seemed to stand straighter than before and she seemed less weary in general might be a bit of a tip off. Saber feels some relief in that she guessed this person's identity correctly and gestures to the seat by him.]

May I sit with you? I have a few things I would like to speak to you about that may sound strange.

C

[oathshackledbird]

He's looking for the ingredients to make cookies. That is what brought Diarmuid to the cafeteria and its attached kitchen today. Mami, one who he had cared about like an adopted daughter, had left him the cookie recipe, and now that she has been sent away from the Tower it is all he has left to remember her by. Thankfully, since Riki has given them such a good supply of food, there are plenty of ingredients for him to make them with...

...once the pain isn't quite so fresh.

He's heading out of the kitchen when he sees Saber eating. Since its been a little while since they last spoke, he decides to stop by and see how she is. Besides, if he is going to be baking, this might be a good time for him to finally meet Shirou. She had said he liked cooking after all.

"Good day, Saber. It's good to have real food again, isn't it?"

[no_longer_a_king]

Saber looks up at him as he stops by her, nearly dropping the chicken sandwich with cheese and sundried tomatoes she was eating. Objectively, she'd known Diarmuid is in the Tower. When she got more of her own mind back she had taken to stalking the halls of the dorms and finding out who is here. She hadn't sought anyone out yet due to wanting to get her bearings all over again.

Still, the last she remembers of him he had been screaming at her, cursing her and magi in general because of what Kiritsugu had done. She should have seen through his manipulation when he had practically handed her the honorable duel she wanted.

Saber turns to Diarmuid, putting down her sandwich and folding her hands on the table.

"I suppose it is. Forgive me, Lancer, my memory has been strange the last few days. What do you mean by 'real food again'?"

[oathshackledbird]

Immediately, all thoughts of making cookies and asking about Shirou are pushed from his mind by worry. Diarmuid sits down across from her and gives her a concerned look, "Your memory is 'strange?' What do you mean? Has something happened? What is the last thing you remember?"

He realizes she might not be able to answer most of those questions if her memory is, in fact, mess up, but Diarmuid has to try so that he can try to figure out what is going on. As he waits for her answers, he realizes, belatedly, that she has asked him a question and so he answers it, "You don't remember last month, then? It was Jason's month and he never gives us food like this. Instead, we are forced to survive on water and nutrition bars unless we have been able to store food away in preparation beforehand."

[no_longer_a_king]

"The last thing I remember is coming down to get some lunch," she said with a flat tone. Joking like that wasn't like her, but with how unsettled she already was by what she'd done to herself she couldn't help it.

"Apparently I decided to erase my memory for some reason. I do not know why, but my memory is steadily coming back. So far I remember until the beginning of my second Grail War."

Beyond the beginning, but she was not about to explain to Diarmuid about Shirou. Not yet, anyway. Little did she know he already knew about him.

"It's frustrating not knowing why I would do such a thing to myself. Things surely cannot be that bad here, can they?" And at this point in time she didn't think her life could have gotten worse than it had.

B; cafeteria

[sageprincess]

The first day Arturia did not show up to protect the science team studying the green collar fluid, Zelda thinks little of it. The project is important, but each person still has other responsibilities to attend to - perhaps Arturia is working on those maps again.

The second day, concern begins creeping into Zelda's mind. It doesn't seem characteristic of Arturia to not give any indication whatsoever of what else she might be doing. Did something happen...?

The third day, Zelda makes sure to check the nameplate of Arturia's room. Sure enough, her name is still there, but the woman herself is nowhere to be found. The thought that she might have been sent back to her destroyed homeworld is not a pleasant one (that never does good things for one's psyche), and she spends a bit of time wandering Arturia's usual haunts when she can.

The fourth day, she finally comes across Arturia in the cafeteria, settling down for breakfast. Zelda quickly puts her tray down across from the King of Knights, looking at her with a strange combination of confusion and relief.

"There you are! I was beginning to worry..."

[no_longer_a_king]

Arthur stared at the woman who had taken a seat before her and the look she gave her. She knew that things like this were bound to happen, given she had been in this Tower for almost a year, but why would this woman worry for her? Had they known one another before?

A silly question, but one she needed to ask if she was going to get by while her memory recovered itself.

"....Do we know one another, milady?"

[sageprincess]

... No--

The Princess' expression freezes in place, something clenching uncomfortably around her heart at that simple question. No, no, no-- she's grown accustomed to people she's grown to care about being yanked away from her, but those that come back only not to remember her are the most painful of all. Perhaps if she were thinking logically, she would remember that Arturia's name never disappeared from her door, that the chances of her leaving and coming back with the exact same room number are slim to none, but she's seen that bewildered look, heard that awful question too many times for her to think of anything else.

Her voice is somewhat breathless when she finally finds it in herself to respond, like a heavy weight is suddenly lying upon her chest.

"You... You did not just wake up here, did you?"

[no_longer_a_king]

"No, I did not," she said with a shake of her head.

Seeing the way the woman froze made Arthur feel instantly guilty and she reached out to rest a hand over the woman's. For whatever reason, this woman cared and it broke Arthur's heart to think she would do such a thing to a lady. It also occurred to her about why this woman might ask about if she just woke up here and so she thought to relieve her concerns swiftly.

"I am the person you knew. Apparently I decided to erase my memory for reasons I do not yet understand. I apologize for causing you distress."

F

[crouching_sin]

As he always did, Naoya headed to the mailroom to check for any new messages. His sleeve slipped as he opened the door to his box again - he'd been losing weight he couldn't afford. The red vine-like Command Seals were plainly visible on his pale skin, and he sighed, fixing his sleeve.

And as he turned, he spotted Arturia putting a letter in Avenger's mailbox. He watched her quietly for a moment, before speaking up.

"I wasn't aware the two of you were friends."

[no_longer_a_king]

"We're not. I simply have a few things I'd like to ask him."

Like what was even going on with that illusion of Shirou, how much he knew about it, what the point had even been. How much of what had happened been Shirou and how much had been him and so on.

Arturia knew it shouldn't surprise her that someone else knew of Avenger. Diarmuid had mentioned him before and the things he could do. They had not mentioned the aura of the Grail's taint surrounding him. Nor did they mention the fact he looked so much like Shirou.

It wouldn't occur to Arturia until later on that, of course, Diarmuid had never formally met Shirou. How would he have noticed the resemblance.

[crouching_sin]

"I see. He's not the most open with information, so don't hold your breath." Neither was he, though. Though he was curious just what her relationship to him was.

"You seem a bit troubled, though. Unless it's something you'd rather not discuss."

C

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[He walks the Halls, as is his want. In search of Challenge, but also in search of Respite. Battle brings both, of course, but Moving throughout this Prison, Learning it by Heart, does also. His hand is empty of his Sword, for the time being.

He has not seen Arthur overmuch since the days when the Shadows came into the Tower. Today, he senses her presence-- but, Lost in his own thoughts, will allow her to come close upon him before he will acknowledge her.]

[no_longer_a_king]

[To be fair, she had tended to keep to herself and would often disappear. It's why it would be normal for her to go missing for days at a time without anyone noticing. It is why very few would notice something off about her being off by herself for several days.

But this is not a normal period of time and Saber is walking the halls, hoping something fills in the gaps of her memory and wondering just what is up with this ridiculous dress. From the current state of her memory, she had no idea Lancelot was in the Tower. Indeed, the last she had seen him from her perspective had been running him through in the Fourth Grail War.

Naturally, when she turns a corner and sees him, she's shocked, her heart clenching, and stares at him as he moves forward. No Madness is present in his features and so she can only assume it is him.]

Lancelot? [Her voice actually cracks upon saying the name.]

[chevalier_mal_fet]

[An odd response-- nearly as if they are met as they first were in this Place.
When last they spoke, she had been-- distraught. But now Arthur looks on him as if she sees an apparition.]

Arthur.
Are you well?

C

[bowandblade]

While the switch of administrators and the basic cycling into the new month had been a welcome change, there was still a lingering presence from the mess in the previous month that Archer was slow to dismiss. He had noticed one or two of those smiling shadows in his nightly treks through the tower, and he found himself pausing, wondering--was it someone who he knew?

But he was in no hurry to seek out that answer.

He had taken to snatching wine bottles from the cafeteria whenever they were available, and so it's no surprise to find him there at the same time as Saber. He smiled at the sight of her, recalling their unexpected meeting in the swimming pool. She could have such an agreeable personality in comparison to the holy sword wielder he was more familiar with.

"You are looking radiant this morning, Saber!"

[no_longer_a_king]

Saber's blood ran cold as she heard that voice. One belonged to someone who had done nothing but put her down and torment her and tried to use her for his pleasures. There was a distinctive lack of malice behind it, but that didn't stop Saber from turning and instantly summoning Caliburn, a look of pure unbridled anger on her face.

This was the man who beat her down until she was blind, deaf, and likely would've been made a simpleton had she not been a Servant. Then tried to claim her body while she was in such a disgraceful state. If it were not for Shirou and the luck they had in him turning out to have been saved via Avalon during the fires of the Fourth Grail War, she would have met a sorry fate indeed.

It should not surprise her he is here, but that does not stop her from being wary, her entire body coiled like a spring ready to snap.

"Archer, what are you doing here?"

Well. She had an idea, judging by the wine, but how dare he speak to her after what he had tried to do?

[bowandblade]

Archer blinked at what appeared to be a repeat of their first encounter, his smile broadening just a touch while he bit back a laugh. She looked so angry, as if he had done something to offend her with his mere presence. Funny, had it struck her belatedly that there could be a level of indecency to their last meeting? (Her attention was primarily on him at that time, after all.) He flicked his free hand dismissively, continuing to stroll towards her.

"What a foolish question! But I will forgive it; my presence must be making it difficult to think." He grinned, his amusement obvious as his eyes trailed down to her sword. "Are we greeting each other with our weapons now?"