Counter Guardian Arturia @ Tower of Animus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
no_longer_a_king) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
towerofanimus2013-09-02 12:16 pm
no_longer_a_king) wrote in towerofanimus2013-09-02 12:16 pm
ITP: Breakdown
Name: Saber Lily and OPEN
Format: Starts in prose, but I'll follow whatever the replies are in.
Setting: Various. The prompts mention some setups, but I would not mind if people make different ones instead.
Summary: Arturia found out that Shirou is really Avenger. Considering her slipping grasp on her sanity, she finally breaks down completely and decides to mindwipe herself on floor 96. Strangely, remembering her life again gives her some perspective on things.
Warnings: None yet.
Notes: This takes place over the course of two weeks. Other prompts may be added over the course of those two weeks due to me wanting to keep this contained to the one log.
• • •
[Closed toisthatashortjoke]
I've spent the night on the 96th floor.
Please pick me up.
I apologize if I won't remember you.
Please feed the cat in my room before coming to get me.
--Arturia
By all rights, she should be asking Lancelot to do this favor for her, but she had already asked too much of him. Between the swimming lessons, the chip placement, and the various things she (or some version of herself) had asked him to do over the years back in Camelot she owed him more than he realized. No, she would not go to him for such a selfish thing. He would likely lose respect for her as it was for taking this route. No sense in involving him in such a selfish endeavor.
But she couldn't take it anymore. The Tower, her life, everything. There was no escaping it. The person she had clung to in order to keep herself grounded wasn't who she thought he was and she had no idea what to think. None whatsoever. For a moment she had thought there would be no way out, but then she saw a post on the Network about someone losing their memory and it clicked in her mind.
How often had she spoken of lately about wanting to simply go to sleep and forget? It would not be permanent--Arturia doubted it would be--but it would be a break. She would still be stuck here, still have her responsibilities, and a lot of people likely angry at her for what she's going to do. The thought of suddenly being a burden did give her pause and yet....
....yet the part of her that wanted to give into temptation, the part that, perhaps, Kotomine had played off of so many years ago, kept whispering to her, tempting her, and she was so tired it was hard to resist. She was in her right mind enough to think to make arrangements. A pillow and blanket because she would spend the night. A letter pinned on Veigar's door. A note written in Welsh on her arm saying she would be fine, just stay where she is and Veigar would come get her. Just wait for Veigar.
And so she set herself up so that she would be just out of sight of the door. Her stomach twisted in guilt about how selfish this was, but she was just so tired of everything. It wasn't as if she would permanently forget everything and Amy would be fine by herself for one night. The main consequences would be how others would react, something she was completely willing to accept the consequences of. Everyone who kept her sane was gone now.
She dropped her pillow to the floor and curled up with her blanket. If she woke during the night she'd see the note on her arm and know to wait. It's written in her own hand, after all.
That's how Veigar would find her when he came for her in the morning, curled up sleepily out of sight wrapped in blankets, staring at the note on her arm. She would look up at him and ask in a voice with a childish inflection to it: "Are you Veigar?"
[A: Day 2-4; Adolescence, pre-kingship]
Veigar had done a decent job in explaining the Tower to her as well as the state of her memory. It was odd for Arturia to know she was an adult now, that something so bad must have happened in her future to make her want to forget. There was literally nothing she could picture that was so bad as that.
Then again, Arturia had always known she'd been one of the luckier children. Sir Ector treated her as his own flesh and blood, rather than a servant. She was getting an education, taught the ways of knighthood. Not many other foundlings could make the same claim. Not many other abandoned girls had such gifts given to them. Gifts Arturia had no intention of wasting.
So she did what anyone who was in their early adolescence--at least, mentally--would do: she snuck out. Arturia felt guilty about it, but figured if she came back before nightfall and only went on the floors Veigar had mentioned were safe it would be fine. This Tower was interesting and if she was going to be here for a long time she might as well take a look around on her own, right?
And the magic sword she could summon now was so amazing. Arturia could be found with a big grin on her face summoning and dismissing Caliburn repeatedly, completely and utterly fascinated by it and not caring if she were seen or not. Her body might be strange now, her mind might be in pieces, she might be stuck in a ridiculous dress and an awful tower, but she could summon a magic sword now. This couldn't be all bad, could it?
[B: Day 4-8; Mid-kingship]
As more and more holes in her memory filled in, Arthur began to wonder exactly what it had been to cause her to want to forget. Many awful things had happened to her in her life, but what had been the line in the sand? The thing that finally triggered her to do it? Surely this Tower couldn't have done it. All signs made it clear she had done this to herself, but just what had triggered it?
Part of her was afraid of when she would find the answer. There were still holes in her memory. Holes that were slowly being filled in as time passed. Some she didn't even realize were there until she remembered some detail about it: A face, a name, the scent of grass and rain in the morning, the ache of muscles after a battle. Little things that slowly built up a big picture.
Arthur imagined she would be more distressed by the situation if she didn't know she would get her memories back at this point. It was just a waiting game, as much as she hated it and the idea of it.
This was her own mind. Why would she do this to herself? Why would she turn herself into a liability like this?
More importantly: what was with this white dress and why was she wielding Caliburn of all blades? She had broken the blade so long ago there should be no possible way for it to be here. So how? What was it doing in her possession? Had it been repaired at some point she still could not remember? If so: then how? It was little things like this that frustrated her the most about the state of her memory.
....but being able to summon it at will was still amazing to her. She still had moments where she would summon it and dismiss it just to see that she could. Where had she learned to do that?
[C: Day 8-11; Grail Wars]
Oh, so that's how she learned.
Saber strolled through the stairs of the Tower, a purpose in mind to find any face from the Grail Wars. She had a better idea of just why she might do something like wipe her mind and began to slowly guess as to why she was in this white dress. The memories of the Grail War weighed on her, Irisviel and Kiritsugu and Diarmuid and their fates at the front of her mind. It was when she began to remember the Fifth that she faltered.
Of all the things in the world she had thought possible, falling in love if it was indeed love was the last thing she had expected to happen to her. The more she remembered the more she realized it wasn't for lack of trying not to fall for him. The boy had been kind to her. He'd had awful judgement, but he'd been kind and cooked well.
So what had happened to him? She knew it would have had to end. Loved him or not, she had still been a Servant fighting in the Grail War and she would never put him over her duties. Not when she'd made a promise to the world to fight in the first place. Not when there was an entire Kingdom counting on her to save it. Not when she needed to prove to the Rider of the Fourth War that she was indeed on the correct path for a king.
Arturia could be found in the cafeteria for most of these days, enjoying the food Riki had designed for them. She always did like good food. If she was going to be stuck in a place like this for a long time, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the food was always this good. It wasn't Shirou's cooking, but it came pretty close.
[E: Day 11-13; Counter Guardianship; Closed.]
As Arturia slowly but steadily began to remember the actual course of her duties, she retreated into herself and avoided people. Each death she remembered was like a piece of her heart was being ripped from her chest. It was only now she began to understand why she would want to forget in the first place.
[F: Day 13-14; Tower memories]
It was in the last few days that her memories of the last nine months finally came back; memories of being able to move on her own, of trying new things, of meeting new people, of fighting for a cause bigger than her own. She stumbled, yes, and made mistakes, but when in her life had she not made mistakes?
There were people she needed to thank. Arturia made a point of gathering some supplies then setting herself up in her room to write them. Zelda and Ruler and Legolas and Enoch and John and...
...and Shirou--no, Avenger--she took a deep breath before writing out the letter, then putting it in his mailbox. Just because many whom she cared for were gone and many more were nothing more than the shadows she occasionally saw scampering about did not mean there were not other people in the Tower who needed her.
And who she felt she needed. How many times had they tried to reach her only to backslide within a few days? How many times had people been kind to her only to keep them at arm's length? How much time had she spent feeling sorry for herself when this Tower had given her a gift most precious, a gift only Archer could have understood while he was here?
It would take work, a lot of hard work, and while she knew there was a good chance the year would end in death or returning to her duties, she had to treat this time as precious. Arturia knew she might not get a second chance like this, even if it would be brief in the grand scheme of things.
And so Arturia could be found in the mailroom, putting letters in the boxes of those she cared for and actually saying hello to any who entered. Stupid as it had been, wiping her memories and regaining them had given her some perspective she'd been in sore need of. Would she do it again? No. But in her mind it had been good for her. She would just have to deal with the consequences now.
She still had no idea where the dress or Caliburn came from and had a feeling she never would.
Format: Starts in prose, but I'll follow whatever the replies are in.
Setting: Various. The prompts mention some setups, but I would not mind if people make different ones instead.
Summary: Arturia found out that Shirou is really Avenger. Considering her slipping grasp on her sanity, she finally breaks down completely and decides to mindwipe herself on floor 96. Strangely, remembering her life again gives her some perspective on things.
Warnings: None yet.
Notes: This takes place over the course of two weeks. Other prompts may be added over the course of those two weeks due to me wanting to keep this contained to the one log.
[Closed to
isthatashortjoke]I've spent the night on the 96th floor.
Please pick me up.
I apologize if I won't remember you.
Please feed the cat in my room before coming to get me.
--Arturia
By all rights, she should be asking Lancelot to do this favor for her, but she had already asked too much of him. Between the swimming lessons, the chip placement, and the various things she (or some version of herself) had asked him to do over the years back in Camelot she owed him more than he realized. No, she would not go to him for such a selfish thing. He would likely lose respect for her as it was for taking this route. No sense in involving him in such a selfish endeavor.
But she couldn't take it anymore. The Tower, her life, everything. There was no escaping it. The person she had clung to in order to keep herself grounded wasn't who she thought he was and she had no idea what to think. None whatsoever. For a moment she had thought there would be no way out, but then she saw a post on the Network about someone losing their memory and it clicked in her mind.
How often had she spoken of lately about wanting to simply go to sleep and forget? It would not be permanent--Arturia doubted it would be--but it would be a break. She would still be stuck here, still have her responsibilities, and a lot of people likely angry at her for what she's going to do. The thought of suddenly being a burden did give her pause and yet....
....yet the part of her that wanted to give into temptation, the part that, perhaps, Kotomine had played off of so many years ago, kept whispering to her, tempting her, and she was so tired it was hard to resist. She was in her right mind enough to think to make arrangements. A pillow and blanket because she would spend the night. A letter pinned on Veigar's door. A note written in Welsh on her arm saying she would be fine, just stay where she is and Veigar would come get her. Just wait for Veigar.
And so she set herself up so that she would be just out of sight of the door. Her stomach twisted in guilt about how selfish this was, but she was just so tired of everything. It wasn't as if she would permanently forget everything and Amy would be fine by herself for one night. The main consequences would be how others would react, something she was completely willing to accept the consequences of. Everyone who kept her sane was gone now.
She dropped her pillow to the floor and curled up with her blanket. If she woke during the night she'd see the note on her arm and know to wait. It's written in her own hand, after all.
That's how Veigar would find her when he came for her in the morning, curled up sleepily out of sight wrapped in blankets, staring at the note on her arm. She would look up at him and ask in a voice with a childish inflection to it: "Are you Veigar?"
[A: Day 2-4; Adolescence, pre-kingship]
Veigar had done a decent job in explaining the Tower to her as well as the state of her memory. It was odd for Arturia to know she was an adult now, that something so bad must have happened in her future to make her want to forget. There was literally nothing she could picture that was so bad as that.
Then again, Arturia had always known she'd been one of the luckier children. Sir Ector treated her as his own flesh and blood, rather than a servant. She was getting an education, taught the ways of knighthood. Not many other foundlings could make the same claim. Not many other abandoned girls had such gifts given to them. Gifts Arturia had no intention of wasting.
So she did what anyone who was in their early adolescence--at least, mentally--would do: she snuck out. Arturia felt guilty about it, but figured if she came back before nightfall and only went on the floors Veigar had mentioned were safe it would be fine. This Tower was interesting and if she was going to be here for a long time she might as well take a look around on her own, right?
And the magic sword she could summon now was so amazing. Arturia could be found with a big grin on her face summoning and dismissing Caliburn repeatedly, completely and utterly fascinated by it and not caring if she were seen or not. Her body might be strange now, her mind might be in pieces, she might be stuck in a ridiculous dress and an awful tower, but she could summon a magic sword now. This couldn't be all bad, could it?
[B: Day 4-8; Mid-kingship]
As more and more holes in her memory filled in, Arthur began to wonder exactly what it had been to cause her to want to forget. Many awful things had happened to her in her life, but what had been the line in the sand? The thing that finally triggered her to do it? Surely this Tower couldn't have done it. All signs made it clear she had done this to herself, but just what had triggered it?
Part of her was afraid of when she would find the answer. There were still holes in her memory. Holes that were slowly being filled in as time passed. Some she didn't even realize were there until she remembered some detail about it: A face, a name, the scent of grass and rain in the morning, the ache of muscles after a battle. Little things that slowly built up a big picture.
Arthur imagined she would be more distressed by the situation if she didn't know she would get her memories back at this point. It was just a waiting game, as much as she hated it and the idea of it.
This was her own mind. Why would she do this to herself? Why would she turn herself into a liability like this?
More importantly: what was with this white dress and why was she wielding Caliburn of all blades? She had broken the blade so long ago there should be no possible way for it to be here. So how? What was it doing in her possession? Had it been repaired at some point she still could not remember? If so: then how? It was little things like this that frustrated her the most about the state of her memory.
....but being able to summon it at will was still amazing to her. She still had moments where she would summon it and dismiss it just to see that she could. Where had she learned to do that?
[C: Day 8-11; Grail Wars]
Oh, so that's how she learned.
Saber strolled through the stairs of the Tower, a purpose in mind to find any face from the Grail Wars. She had a better idea of just why she might do something like wipe her mind and began to slowly guess as to why she was in this white dress. The memories of the Grail War weighed on her, Irisviel and Kiritsugu and Diarmuid and their fates at the front of her mind. It was when she began to remember the Fifth that she faltered.
Of all the things in the world she had thought possible, falling in love if it was indeed love was the last thing she had expected to happen to her. The more she remembered the more she realized it wasn't for lack of trying not to fall for him. The boy had been kind to her. He'd had awful judgement, but he'd been kind and cooked well.
So what had happened to him? She knew it would have had to end. Loved him or not, she had still been a Servant fighting in the Grail War and she would never put him over her duties. Not when she'd made a promise to the world to fight in the first place. Not when there was an entire Kingdom counting on her to save it. Not when she needed to prove to the Rider of the Fourth War that she was indeed on the correct path for a king.
Arturia could be found in the cafeteria for most of these days, enjoying the food Riki had designed for them. She always did like good food. If she was going to be stuck in a place like this for a long time, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the food was always this good. It wasn't Shirou's cooking, but it came pretty close.
[E: Day 11-13; Counter Guardianship; Closed.]
As Arturia slowly but steadily began to remember the actual course of her duties, she retreated into herself and avoided people. Each death she remembered was like a piece of her heart was being ripped from her chest. It was only now she began to understand why she would want to forget in the first place.
[F: Day 13-14; Tower memories]
It was in the last few days that her memories of the last nine months finally came back; memories of being able to move on her own, of trying new things, of meeting new people, of fighting for a cause bigger than her own. She stumbled, yes, and made mistakes, but when in her life had she not made mistakes?
There were people she needed to thank. Arturia made a point of gathering some supplies then setting herself up in her room to write them. Zelda and Ruler and Legolas and Enoch and John and...
...and Shirou--no, Avenger--she took a deep breath before writing out the letter, then putting it in his mailbox. Just because many whom she cared for were gone and many more were nothing more than the shadows she occasionally saw scampering about did not mean there were not other people in the Tower who needed her.
And who she felt she needed. How many times had they tried to reach her only to backslide within a few days? How many times had people been kind to her only to keep them at arm's length? How much time had she spent feeling sorry for herself when this Tower had given her a gift most precious, a gift only Archer could have understood while he was here?
It would take work, a lot of hard work, and while she knew there was a good chance the year would end in death or returning to her duties, she had to treat this time as precious. Arturia knew she might not get a second chance like this, even if it would be brief in the grand scheme of things.
And so Arturia could be found in the mailroom, putting letters in the boxes of those she cared for and actually saying hello to any who entered. Stupid as it had been, wiping her memories and regaining them had given her some perspective she'd been in sore need of. Would she do it again? No. But in her mind it had been good for her. She would just have to deal with the consequences now.
She still had no idea where the dress or Caliburn came from and had a feeling she never would.
no subject
"How bothersome. And now you have been left with the task of figuring out why you would take such ... extreme measures." The King of Knights had never seemed like the type to run away from memories. But even he had succumbed to foolish actions, a long time ago. "You will not recover those lost memories?"
no subject
She had not thought herself the type to run from painful memories either, which left her with a sense of dread about what she would discover once her memories had completely returned.
"If my memories keep returning at this rate, I should be myself again in another week. Whatever that entails."
no subject
But he wasn't going to speculate when Saber would have her concrete answer soon enough.
"Well then. You should take heart and smile at your achievement, Saber -- you are indulging in a way that even I have not done."
no subject
There had to be more reason to it than indulgence. Why else would she do it?
When she regained her memories, guilty as she felt, even she would agree that, yes, it was an indulgence; the only one she would allow herself.no subject
Indulgence seemed like a perfectly good reason, to him.
"Indulgences are small and petty, large and consequential. Do not look so surprised by the truth."
no subject
There had to be a bigger reason than because she was running away from something or because she was broken somehow. True, she knew something bad would happen in her future that she would soon remember, but there was no way she had done this to herself for the sake of escapism. None.
How could she?
no subject
"If you are right about your memories, then you will have your 'sense' and rationale in a week. You should tell me what transpired once you know."
no subject
"Why do you wish to know? Were we at all close in the Tower?"
no subject
"We were close enough that you felt the strong desire to protect me -- with fatal results."
Though he smiled as he made his declaration, the King of Heroes spoke with confidence in his truth.
no subject
But close enough, or at least willing to work together enough, she gave her life for him? What?
There is nothing Arturia can say to that. She could only gape at him, her jaw hanging slightly.
no subject
"Such an amusing face, Saber. Smile! You have learned something of what awaits you in the next week."
no subject
Because she would not put it passed him even if she knew he wouldn't lie. It was still strange to see him so.... relaxed was not the right word. The Gilgamesh she had known had been relaxed. This one was much more personable in a way.
no subject
"Now then." He placed his hands flat on the surface of the table, flashing another wide smile at Saber as he stood up and retrieved his wine bottle. "I expect to hear from you when you have your memories intact again. Do not disappoint me, King of Knights."