towerofanimus | Transient Happiness

Entry tags:

Transient Happiness

Characters: chaos and you.
Setting: The graveyard, the meadow, and then the graveyard again.
Format: I'm starting in prose, but I'll match you!~
Summary: chaos goes to visit Mary's grave to tell her of the elevation in his and Sertoria's relationship and that he still loves her even if he loves and stays with Sertoria..only to find the androids grave. Hurt by the sudden loss and the fact that he was unable to tell her the truth, chaos goes to the meadow to pick flowers for her before visiting her grave again and breaking down a little.
Warnings: Other than a crying chaos, none at this point.

It had been awhile since the two had last seen each other, and chaos wanted to tell Sertoria the truth about himself pretty soon and, if she wished, have a picnic. Had he used his powers to sense her out, he would have come to the horrible conclusion immediately, but he had been trying to cut back on using them unless he had to or really wanted to and could hide it. However, before any picnic could begin, chaos wanted to at least chat with Mary and tell the grave-and her soul, if what had killed him was Mary's soul, and if she was even listening-that though he had accepted a new lover into his life, he still held her in the highest regard and loved her with all his heart. A new love would not and could not change that.

So, he smiled as he walked into the graveyard and wandered amongst the stones, going over in his mind what he was going to say and looking at the gravestones idily..when one name caught his eye.

Sertoria. Before he could tell her the truth, before he could spend more private time with her and be happy in a wonderful relationship she had..vanished and gone back to her own world. While Ruana would have a very tough time at harming her, he knew that being all alone, without him or Doc or any of the friends she had made her would make her very lonely and bring her even more pain, the type that was familiar to him and most other immortals.

Stunned, he stood there a moment, silently, looking at the grave and patting it before turning and leaving. He would come back, but..if they could not have a picnic, she at least deserved something else.

If one wandered into the meadow for any reason, they would see chaos, picking flowers for a huge bouquet and looking rather out of it. He was not smiling, and it looked like he was following war orders than picking flowers of his own free will. However, he would stop and chat with anyone that spoke to him.

When chaos had picked enough flowers, he would come back to the graveyard and arrange them all so that Sertoria's grave was covered in colorful flowers, like one would cover up a friend with a blanket. He then sighed and put a hand on the grave, trying to calm himself, but failing miserably.

"I..am sorry, Sertoria. If I had known..no. I should have told you the truth sooner. I should have told you everything before this happened. I am so sorry..and I shall try to make sure that you are not alone any more than you have to be. I shall help the others, which shall help you."

He spoke quietly to the grave, and, crying quietly as he spoke, he took off the blue necklace around his neck and put it in front of the grave. Normally, he would feel a bit better upon taking that off, but, with the loss of Sertoria, he didn't notice any change at all. He just kept on crying, not bothering to wipe up the tears.

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What a pathetic and yet perfect example of the weakness of the heart.

In truth, Xemnas is only here because he's exploring; he still doesn't have every location worth getting to down on his mental map, and this was one of the gaps he'd chosen to try to fill in. A graveyard of all things, in a place where one supposedly cannot die, seemed awfully absurd to him, but there it is.

And thus he picks his way through the headstones, a silent shadow, musingly pursuing any name he might recognize. Perhaps there would be a clever epitaph.

Instead eventually he finds what seems to be a young man barely out of the horrors of the teen years, weeping like a child over one of the cold stone monuments. How piteous. For a while, Xemnas does and says nothing, only watching the evidence of the fragility and emotional flaws of a heart cascade like bitter rain.

"Does it help you feel better, making resolutions to cold stone?"

When Xemnas speaks, his voice is soft, deceptively polite, without any trace of derision or scorn. He sounds if anything, mildly curious. And apparently oblivious to the proper social graces when dealing with someone sobbing brokenly at the grave of a loved one.

As chaos heard and sensed this interesting person speak, he sighed and..tried to form a small, polite smile upon his face. His attempt utterly failed, but he tried anyway. He did not know this person, but he did know that one did not have to sound cruel to be so and vice versa. One could also sound polite without meaning it and vice versa.

So, as usual, chaos passed no judgements on this person as he looked up at him, still crying, but doing his best to try and calm down a little.

"It does alleviate my pain a little, as I am not making resolutions to cold stone, but to Sertoria, as she is no longer here. The words, if she is ever able to hear them, would bring her comfort, and saying them will make sure that they and this memory are burned onto my brain. I do not think I shall forget..but one never knows."

Especially when one was about six thousand years old.

"I have been told this place experiences no death. Your actions say otherwise. If she has passed beyond this tower, and all the 'horrors' within it, why do you not celebrate? Should you not be glad it can no longer do her harm? As you say, she is no longer here."

His tone never wavers. Xemnas wasn't good at feigning sarcasm, and didn't see a point in this situation. It's not the interest of a predator finding easy prey, at least. That might be some cold comfort. But if he hasn't moved on there was a reason for it. Something keeps the Nobody from simply continuing on his way.

Morbid fascination, perhaps. How long has it been since he'd seen someone weep so?

"Or perhaps it is for your own loss that you weep." It's added thoughtfully, though he doesn't raise his voice. "A heart may ache for many reasons, after all. Do you know which it is? What does cause this pain you feel..?"

Well, those words wiped the smile off chaos's face. As he tried to calm down and collect his thoughts, chaos sighed, and yet more tears bubbled out of his eyes.

"For now, it does not experience permanent death. I do not celebrate because she has gone back to her own destroyed universe, where her soul may be eaten if Ruana eventually wins. And, even if she does not, it shall still be subjected to the worst kind of loneliness, a type that she had experienced beforehand and did not want to experience again.

It is for my own loss that I weep, along with the other reasons I stated. My heart aches for her, for I, and the relationship we were going to have. If you do not mind my asking, have you not ever felt loss before?"

After all, this person's empathy was quite off if he was asking about what was causing this pain.

"Ah. You believe the simulation ends at some point, then. That the idea that the many and countless worlds are ruined is true. Unfortunate."

Xemnas nods slightly, as if this confirmed something for him. Perhaps it did. He doesn't elaborate further, instead weighing everything else chaos says with measured care. His own version of care. He might extrapolate the wrong things from information, but he rarely missed the information being there to begin with.

"Perhaps it would comfort you more to put aside this illusion of terrible emptiness and remember that once hearts are connected, there is no power that may sever the bond. Certainly not the creatures that made this prison. If you do not see each other again in this life, you will see each other again, in a little while, where all things come together. It is the nature of hearts."

He had some understanding of hearts, where they went and what came of it. The muddly stuff between, with all these emotions, that was much more elusive. There's a pause and a brief shake of his head. "Not in memory. Pain, grief, loss, the bitter loneliness of losing one's dear friends.. I know of it only through observation. I feel nothing."

That's not an exaggeration. "Forgive me if my questions seem ... impertinent. Grief is a strange thing, and the reactions it evokes seems to vary individually, unlike rage and hate. It is a weakness that is unpredictable in its results." Whether or not he means his almost-apology or not is very, very hard to tell.

The thing of it was that chaos's universe did not have hearts as Xemnas understood them, and thus, he did know of ways that bonds could be split when people were reborn, since..he himself had not died in his universe, since he wasn't human. He remembered things that others did not remembered relationships that their reincarnations did not know about.

But..the fact that this person could not feel anything helped explain this person a little, though chaos did not think that he actually felt bad about asking these questions. He was simply asking for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness and actually feeling sorry could be two different things.

"I do not know what you mean by a simulation, but it is true that the universes belonging to the people who are here or were here are dead. Otherwise, people would not be seeking ways to restore them. I do not know exactly how your universe works..but in mine, most souls do not connect or tie to one another. Reincarnation of those souls into new bodies does not help when those new bodies cannot remember the relationship you had with them before.

Terrible emptiness, I am sorry to say, is not an illusion. However..I am glad to say that grieving does not mean that one is weak. Only a sign that someone is terribly sad for a number of reasons. If one learns about those reasons, they can become stronger and help others. And almost all emotions can vary depending upon the person, even rage and hate."

While this conversation was bleak, it was helping chaos force himself to focus on this person and, as a consequence, force himself to stop weeping for the moment, even if his face was still wet, and even if a tear or two sometimes popped out.

"It is alright that you are asking. I apologize if I am not making any sense though. I am exhausted and..quite drained."

And he was feeling his age.

Pale eyebrows rise sharply. "You are ... unaware of the current state of yourself and everyone else in the tower, then?"

That's very unusual. So far almost everyone he'd encountered who'd been there longer than he had warned him none of it was real and that he'd have 'proof' sooner or later. "I suggest if this place has a library, to perhaps research a small bit on how to keep a prisoner in place most effectively. I could explain it myself but as you seem unaware of your true current predicament I think it best I leave that explanation to someone who could be kinder with the revelation."

Xemnas spoke very literally, not about an illusion of emotions, but the illusion of the Tower itself. The glamours, the tricks, the fact that none of it was genuine save perhaps the people itself. If chaos hadn't been aware of such a thing it was probably going to come as an ugly shock. If he were capable of it, he might pity the seemingly-younger man.

"All lives end eventually. They may return, in some new shape, in some new life. The memories of the mind do not carry over, this is so. But observe long enough, and one will find that those who knew each other once, are inevitably drawn together again. It may take a lifetime or two, perhaps more if fate is terribly unkind, but they find their way back. The mind forgets, but the heart remembers."

He clasps his hands behind his back, expression neutral, gaze measuring. No, emotions were a weakness, but explaining that to someone caught so deeply in them would be a futile measure. "I have found quite the opposite. Certain emotions are very much predictable. The more negative, the more predictable. You make sense well enough, though some of your ideas are strangely woven with defeat. It is very peculiar for your kind to speak so deeply of surrender, instead of blind fixation on hope."

Oh, chaos was aware of the current situation in the Tower..he had just never heard anyone call the illusions in the Tower a simulation before, and thus, it sounded odd, like this person was talking about something else. In a normal mindset, chaos probably would have made the connection. Right now, he was just way too shook up. While he was still trying to calm down, he still wasn't there.

"I am aware that our bodies are made of metal and collar fluid and that the Administrators are not as human as they might appear." With a sigh, chaos shook his head and wiped his face. "I am sorry for misunderstanding..I am not in the best state of mind now. However, I know what you are speaking about. While I do not believe in fate, it will usually take a lot longer than one or two lifetimes for those with connections to meet again. And, if the situation does not change, I shall not see her again. She..belongs to a different reality."

Where she would either die or face her own terrible, lonely struggle after experiencing a brief moment of joy. While chaos was able to not sigh, he did start to cry again.

"As..for emotions, it depends upon the person. Some things may leave a person in a rage while the same things shall only make another laugh. For most people, emotions can be predictable, but not for everyone. I am neither speaking of surrender or only hoping. However, most people do so because they have had more experience with defeat than success."

"All things are possible under the light of Heaven," is the reproof from Xemnas, mildly-toned. Not 'heaven', but he doubted this young fellow would have any idea of what Kingdom Hearts was, nevermind its tremendous reality-altering powers. Heaven was a close enough comparison, he was fairly certain. Frollo had spoken of it so similarly to Xemnas' knowledge of Kingdom Hearts, it might as well be the same thing. "What are the empty divisions between one reality and another but another river to build a bridge across?"

Yep, that's definitely a reproving tone. It's still mild, as if conjuring up anything stronger would take tremendous effort, more than he was capable of doing. "Argue for limitations, accept defeat before the battle's fought and you will fail. Accept that life is inifitely more complex than any of us could grasp, and in it infinite possibility; in that infinity, fight to reach that which you desire. The surrender of hope is the death of possibility. If you keep insisting you shall not see her, then you will not, and I suppose that would demonstrate how much you care for your friend. Or how little."

He wasn't about to accept these divisions. He would return to his world. He will claim the power that waited for him there. And all realities, every reality, would be remade to his wishes.

Still, there's no harm in giving others a little push instead of letting them wallow in their own percieved helplessness. Perhaps it would help break free of this place easier.

Xemnas smiles briefly, sharp and predatory. "Experience tells me otherwise, when it comes to how individuals will react." The smile fades, back to neutrality. Had it been a genuine expression, or a faked one? "The mindset of mortal life. If one convinces such a mind that there is no point in trying, even with freedom a breath away they will not accept it. Learned helplessness is a terrible thing for those with hearts. Thankfully I am not so burdened. Perhaps it would do you good to set aside your emotions a little more, stranger. It may help you grasp infinite possibility easier, and pursue it without fear of failure."

"In my universe, Heaven as people know it does not exist, and I do not think that it does here. The divisions between realities are much tighter in my universe than they might be in yours. Even if people manage to fix things, I shall still not see her again unless she comes back here."

And even then, they might have to separate, as chaos wasn't quite sure that Sertoria would want to follow him to his universe and give up her own. However, while chaos would have normally gotten a bit annoyed about that reproving tone and smile, since this person did not have any actual emotions, he let it slide, even if he did look more serious than usual.

"The fact that I might not see Sertroia again does not mean that I do not care for her. You have just heard me say that I am willing to work as hard as I can here in order to save her universe and the others here. However, ignoring reality helps no one. The chance that I might see her again is very small, even if it still exists. I would like it if she came back again, but hoping and thinking every single day that she will come back shall only leave extra scars upon me, and I have far, far too many already. Do not speak to me about hope. It is something that I am well acquainted with. I hold hope for humanity and people in general. I am not accepting defeat. Again, you heard me speak. Why would I have bothered speaking if I thought that it was hopeless?"

Inwardly, chaos sighed, trying to calm down. In this current state, he was half-ready to let this person have it verbally, but that wouldn't have done anyone here any good.

"Experience has also shown me that people-mortals and non-mortals-shall sometimes have different reactions depending upon a great number of things. However..it can sometimes be hard to convince people that they cannot win. Trying to do so sometimes makes them think that you are lying and that there is a way you can win. I do think that there is a point in trying, even if I grieve over my losses and celebrate when I am joyous. I shall not set aside my emotions nor my worries. They make up who I am, and things in my universe might take a turn for the worse if I stopped worrying. However, while emotions can sometimes hurt, they can also heal and produce many good things. This, I know you cannot deny."

Attempting to 'let Xemnas have it' certainly would do no good. Such chastisement requires certain things to be effective, things he lacks.

"And yet for every breath you argue against your own hopelessness, you speak just as much about how things are 'different' and thus what you claim to desire is impossible. It's as if you're only hearing half of what you yourself are actually saying. In one moment you speak about not surrendering to the hand of fate, and in the next you embrace the weakness of a heart as you go on about how you shall not see her again."

Xemnas has marked every hint the (far older, and yet ... not) boy had made til now that reeked of despair or misery. "How contradictory the heart, which tries to measure these opposites as the same thing. And you say it is not a flaw."

Something chaos says draws a pause and a look from the Nobody. Perhaps he'd gotten through? Made his point? .... no. By the low, hollow laughter that bubbles up, anything but. It would be a pleasant laugh but for that there's no humor in it, no mirth, nothing at all. Attempting to tell Xemnas that he understands the benefits of positive things of the heart.. he who doesn't even remember what friendship is like.. Poor chaos is fighting an uphill battle and might not even know it.

"I can. I can deny it and cite very specific examples, though they would be meaningless to you. Where is the healing of a broken heart? Where is the good that comes with the fury of the scorned? The hatred and despair of those left behind? What good comes from following a heart when all it leads ... is to destruction? A heart is a vital thing. But if it is not ruled and kept to heel, it will lead to nothing but pain. As you yourself are currently discovering."

He speaks as if he's seen it, personally.

chaos was thinking more physical fighting than verbal if this kept up without an end, as he knew that telling Xemnas to be more empathetic or trying to help him in that department probably wouldn't work. It would be like trying to change Wilhelm's thinking. He might probably still try, but he wouldn't expect much of it.

"I believe that it is you who is not listening to much that I am saying. I said that the chance of my seeing her again were very small. They exist, even though they are tiny, but since people who vanish here usually do not return, it shall probably not be wrong to think that she will not come back here either. If I am proven wrong and she does come back, I shall be ecstatic. But I shall not hope forever on next to nothing and continue to scar myself. That shall only give me unnecessary pain."

Which was something that chaos did not need more of, thank you.

"And emotions are not a flaw, though they may produce terrible things. They also have the capacity to produce beautiful things. I have seen both."

As Xemnas laughed, chaos just gave the person a very serious and..semi-irritated look. While chaos usually did not get mad, he was not in any mood for this. A different day and a different time, Xemnas would have found a calmer chaos that was more willing to joke around. Not today though. However, chaos knew just how much of an uphill battle he might be fighting. Not that he thought they were really fighting at the moment. Just exchanging different viewpoints.

"I imagine you can, and they would not be meaningless to me. But even if you cannot feel emotion, I imagine that you have at least observed some positives that have come from it. The healing of a broken heart may happen due to various things, depending on how the heart got broken. The fury of the scorned may sound up a revolution that creates a better life for most. There is hate and despair left behind, that is true. But there is also love and warmth. Following a heart can lead to destruction sometimes. But..it can also lead to salvation for some. Following my heart has given me plenty of pains. But it has also given me plenty of joys and hopes. This is..just another, bitter pain."

Which, of course, was an understatement.

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Transient Happiness

Graveyard, second verse.

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