You're the one that they used to hate but they like you now [OPEN]

[monstrueux]

Characters: Caster/Gilles de Rais and YOU
Setting: Throughout the Tower
Format: Action, but will match
Summary: Gilles arrives in the Tower and goes exploring.
Warnings: Blood, gore, monster death. Mentions of murder, Gilles' crimes. Also, Gilles is an unpleasant person and his permissions post is here. (Although at his current canon point, Gilles is somewhat altered, having had a revelatory experience.) Let me know if there are subjects I should avoid, or if you'd prefer to avoid tagging with Gilles altogether. It's cool! I'm also reusing a couple prompts from my test drive thread. If anyone wants to continue anything we started there, let me know.



Room 1-10 & dormitory floors:
What have I--

[Gilles starts awake, eyes snapping open, tears streaming down his face.]

--done?

[That was what he was going to say, wasn't it? What have I done? It's suddenly difficult to remember, although he can yet see, clearly, his vision of Jeanne at the cathedral. Radiant, beautiful Jeanne, standing at Charles' right hand as he'd stood at Charles' left. How is is he here? Where is he? He doesn't know. Where is she? Where is Jeanne? He has to find her. Nothing else matters. He doesn't care about anything else. She was with him, moments ago. She must be here! Gilles rises from his bed, then heads out into the hallways, searching for her.]

Jeanne?

floor 1 (cafeteria):
[It's a good thing Gilles doesn't have to eat. Since he hasn't actually read any information, he knows nothing about the oatmeal. Fortunately, he doesn't try to consume anything yet. No, instead of eating, he's busy in the kitchen, curiously and furiously moving ingredients around, filling pots and pans and turning the oven on. What he's doing can't exactly be called "cooking" so much as "making a huge mess". The tomato soup splattered everywhere is certainly alarming, although the tiny pasta alphabet letters dotting the walls and floor add a whimsical touch.

It's not that he's not looking for Jeanne, he's just been temporarily distracted. Everything here is so strange and new to him! And his constant urge to cause chaos is difficult to resist.]

floor 13 (cathedral):
[Gilles has noticed that he is unable to summon his monsters. The reason for this must be simple. He he hasn't made the necessary sacrifices in this place. They require flesh and blood to summon. All his old work was destroyed, or used up in his final act.

He hesitates, but in the end decides that he will do it. He will make his sacrifices. He finds these creatures, these monsters, and he determines that they will do for now. He has a place for the ritual already chosen: the cathedral he found. Where else? The altar draws him. He regards it with a mixture of love and loathing, fascination and revulsion, and in the end, he is driven to defile it. That is what he does. In the end, perhaps he cannot change what he's become.

He catches and maims the creatures, then kills them in this holy place. When his grisly work is done, both Gilles and the altar are covered in blood. Viscera are strewn across the floor. Bones litter the nave. It's impossible to tell, judging by what's left, what exactly was slaughtered there. The huge man, nearly seven feet tall, stands gazing at the stained glass windows, blood dripping from his robes.]

floor 28 (music floor):
[It's no surprise to hear music playing on this floor. It's often the case that the instruments will play by themselves. Yet this time, the music is exceptionally loud. That is thanks to Gilles, dressed in his voluminous robes, standing at the pipe organ. The pipe organ, which he has no idea how to play, as is evident from the assortment of sounds he coaxes out of it. If anyone needed further proof that Gilles de Rais is a sadist, well--here it is.]

floor 45 (observatory):
[Gilles hardly notices the glass walls and the skittering creatures. Skittering creatures are old news to Gilles. He has other things to think about.

If there's one thing he can't understand, it's why he has his armor. It's the very same armor that he wore during the war, when he served France so loyally, fighting at the side of Jeanne d'Arc. Black and dull, it makes the huge man look even larger (not that his robes don't do the same). He stares down at his armored hands, frowning. He has his sword, too. The sword his grandfather refused to leave to him in his will. He takes it in his hands, studying the blade of the longsword as he swings it experimentally through the air.

He remembers that bright light, washing over him, but now that he has come to this new Hell, he is not sure what to think. His thoughts are erratic, unreliable, but he tries. So for the moment, Gilles looks relatively subdued: a tall, dark, and gloomy knight casting a reflection in the glass. His swollen eyes protrude from his face less than usual.

Why, why does he have such objects? Surely he is not meant to be a knight again. Not the monster Gilles de Rais.]

Comments

[god_damned]

[ The kiss surprises him, although he supposes it should not. That name -- Gilles de Rais: a man from an era long ago, where such gestures were common and not worth reading into. It is nothing to blink an eye at. Kirei lets Gilles hold his hand, not withdrawing or reprimanding. ]

Gilles de Rais. [ Kirei gives a bow of his head. ] My name is Kirei Kotomine.

I am aware that it is unusual. [ He adds, his voice an undertone. ] But God's work does not ease my spirit -- nothing I have attempted does.

[ Perhaps he should not continue that path of conversation. His position as a holy man is what makes Caster pliant to him, so it may be unwise to expose himself as a sinner. Instead, he focuses on what Caster says next. ]

Do you imagine so? [ He has never truly given the symbol too much attention. He glances down at it, frowning. ] My origin is opening wounds, for good or bad, so perhaps it is fitting.

[monstrueux]

[Gilles is not exactly a typical representative of his time. Even before he'd gone mad, he'd been considered eccentric. But he loves his dramatic gestures, regardless of their appropriateness. He continues to take advantage of Kirei's compliance and keeps holding on to his hand.]

Père Kotomine.

[Sinners delight Gilles just as much as the holy do. Either of the two extremes are fantastic to him, and worthy of admiration.]

I was the same! Lost and restless, an empty shell of a man... until I met Jeanne.

[He sighs. He can never sufficiently explain how it was Jeanne, and only Jeanne, who had been able to save him--and how losing her had divested him of all his reason.]

But later, I learned the truth about God.

[Following his "redemption", he's a little unclear on that point, but he still does think Ryuunosuke's words were fair and fine.]

To open wounds? How beautiful! [Gilles' intake of breath is sharp.] What a gift that is--! You must have the soul of an artist! I have no origin. I was not a magus at all. It is only that dear, gifted Prelati gave me his book. A Caster who is no sorcerer--what an idea. I was a knight. [Gilles seems remarkably cheerful about being the worst Caster on record.] Prelati, I miss him!

I have not seen the other Masters' symbols. I had little interest in the others, save Jeanne, until they united to kill me! Ah, but I did intend to destroy the city.

[That was kind of a big thing. So, in his somewhat more lucid frame of mind, he can see their point.]

[god_damned]

[ Kirei is quiet for a moment, when Caster speaks of Jeanne. A sinner, a corrupted man, who is saved by a woman... there was no such salvation offered to Kirei, under a similar circumstance. Even so, his envy is a difficult thing to fathom. He doesn't feel any negativity towards Gilles.

Simply, he feels as he usually does: empty.

Kirei doesn't seem to mind Caster holding his hand. He also, perhaps, knows better than to risk upsetting a dangerous Servant -- although, Caster is a class that perhaps a talented mage could overcome... although he would choose his battles more carefully than this.

There is, also, Gilgamesh's invitation in the back of his mind. ]

I had no training as a magus before the War. [ As odd as it may seem, that may be something in common with Caster: despite mutual inexperience, both were selected as Master and Servant. ] The Grail makes complicated decisions.

What do you mean, 'the truth about God'?

[monstrueux]

[Jeanne's "salvation", of course, hadn't saved Gilles at all, and his accounting of events is, as usual, misleading, if unintentionally so. When she had died, it had plunged him into madness, making his torment all the worse, his sins far more brutal and depraved than anything he had done before. But he doesn't mention that now.]

You are like me, then! Ah, no, it was not complicated at all. For me, the Grail was direct and pure. I was summoned without a relic. I was called forth by the soul of a beautiful young man, crying out to my own. His heart matched mine, so it was only natural that I should be summoned instead of some other Servant!

[This makes perfect sense to Gilles. He continues to hold Kirei's hand, because he's enjoying the dramatic gesture.]

Yes, you do not know... You must believe as I did, once. I believed God cursed me for my sins. But no. God's love is truly infinite. He loves us all. [He tries to remember Ryuunosuke's beautiful words. He should write them down.] "God enjoys the courage and hope of mankind, but He also loves the sorrow and despair of bloodshed. Otherwise, the hymn of life would lack its vivid color. Therefore, this world must be full of God’s love." You see, why would He make me as I am, why would He allow me to do the things I did, if it was not all part of His design? Be it sin or virtue, to act in accordance with our nature honors His will!

[He earnestly wants to reform, but he still thinks Ryuunosuke's words are beautiful and true. He still can't see the contradiction in wanting to follow Jeanne and Ryuunosuke both.]

[god_damned]

[ Kirei knows this information, vaguely. Assassin gathered information on plenty of the Servants, and Caster in particular. Initially, it would have been easy to dismiss the pair: an amateur master usually does not lend themselves to much threat.

What Gilles says next, however... ]

That is what you believe?

[ He recalls Gilgamesh, speaking of how a soul naturally seeks pleasure... Is it wrong for him to pursue what he craves?

Will he admit to himself what it is that he craves to begin with?

It should simply sound like the raving of a madman, and yet Kirei lingers on it.

After a beat, he touches on what Gilles initially said, his voice a touch quieter: ] Perhaps I am like you.

[monstrueux]

[Gilles wouldn't mind being dismissed. To him, the war is inessential, even if, in a way, he believes he is its victor. Creating something beautiful for Ryuunosuke, that had been more important.]

That is what I believe. Do you think God would make the world with anything in it that displeased him? They say sin is a result of free will, but I say that God desires it. That He is grander than we know. He wanted to make the world beautiful and troubling and strange. He wanted our desires, our cruelties. His wishes, His stories, they are beyond our ability to comprehend, but the world is a place of infinite variety, so you must see that God is a libertine.

[Gilles turns his head slightly to one side, thoughtful.]

Like me...?

[He's not sure exactly what the priest means. Does he believe as Gilles does? What else could he mean? Unless he knows...]

You could not be... are you?

[god_damned]

[ What Gilles says itches on his mind like a parasite. He knows this man: he honestly lost his mind, and by extension finding any realm of sense in his words must mean insanity for himself as well. And yet, Kirei wonders, as he has always wondered: is he evil, for existing as God made him to be? He was not corrupted in his youth, traumatized or tainted. Kirei has been this way for as long as he could remember. It is God's work that designed him. If not God, then who?

Did he who made the lamb make thee?

Kirei withdraws his hand. The motion is not harsh or snatching, like a rejection. He merely breaks the contact lightly, glancing at the command spells on his hand. ]

Never mind it.

Let's speak of other things.

[monstrueux]

Like me... Do you know, what I am like? Did you see?

[If this Master was in the war... Then did he know, about the killings? Could he understand? Gilles wants to reform, but making beautiful things with Ryuunosuke had been so pleasurable, had satisfied him on a deep level. He craves it still, that violence. God had made him that way. Would God make something He did not want?

Jeanne says she will help him, but can he be helped? A man like him, eaten through with desire? He allows Kirei's hand to leave him, but he remains where he is.]

Père, will you hear my confession?

[god_damned]

[ Gilles does not let the subject go, and Kirei supposes he should not be surprised. He will not speak further on the matter; not as he is now. He keeps himself quiet, although internally his mind pauses and wonders. ]

I am aware of many of your sins, Heroic Spirit Gilles de Rais.

But not all; I will take whatever confession you offer.

content warning: but I guess this applies to the whole post

[monstrueux]

[Now Kirei, too, can learn what it is like to deal with a man who cannot let anything go. Although Gilles insistence is relatively mild, for him.]

It has been centuries since my last confession! But I did confess before I died.

You know, then, about the children, if you know me. It is true, I am a brutal murderer. I sacrificed children to demons. I discovered, late in life, that what truly gave me pleasure was despair! To see the pathetic shuddering of the dying, to hear their sputtering screams, but most of all, to see the agony, the realization in their eyes... And the innocent, the young, they feel despair most keenly, most perfectly. Their bodies look the most beautiful when taken apart. It shames me to say it, but that is how I was made.

I have sinfully desired men, and I have taken carnal pleasure with them! I desire beautiful young men and girls with the appearance of boys. I long to defile them, and to be defiled by them. Though I am dead, I yet yearn for such base pleasures, for sex and murder.

These things I think of still, though I have seen the holy light and wish to reform, to repent. I have these desires, Père, and more. They eat through me, and they plague me, no matter what I do.

[god_damned]

[ It should sicken him.

Hearing these things, this confession, should churn his stomach and raise the hairs on the back of his neck. A man of faith is taught patience, even when faced with horrors, but it is not some saintly virtue which allows him to ascend above judgment and disgust. He simply feels no horror at Caster's confession. Instead, quite the opposite, he--

I discovered, late in life, that what truly gave me pleasure was despair! To see the pathetic shuddering of the dying, to hear their sputtering screams, but most of all, to see the agony, the realization in their eyes...

Kirei's expression hardens and he closes that thought. It is not the same; this evil is darker, different from his own sin, yet similar enough to work at his mind, and make him wonder. ]

Do you truly believe you have the strength to resist? And to repent?

[monstrueux]

Do I?

[Gilles laughs, softly, then looks up. For once, his eyes actually seem to be contained by his head.]

I do not know. I am a weak man.

I have Jeanne... there is no one more holy, more virtuous, than Jeanne d'Arc. She believes in me, when no one else does. [He looks down again, at his hand.] She reached out to me, even though she knows what these hands have done.

It is likely that I will fail again, because of the sin and darkness that permeate my very being. But--Then I will try again. Does not God forgive?

[Gilles is dealing with two Gods in his mind simultaneously: Jeanne's God and Ryuunosuke's God. How can he follow them both? Yet he can't choose between them.]

[god_damned]

[ It's eerie, to hear Caster speak of these things: of a woman who knows his evil and yet believes him capable of salvation, capable of change.

And change he does, if only physically, when he glances up towards Kirei. Kirei's eyes widen slightly, but the reaction is slight. He does not expect the corruption to take such a physical form.

A man, dark and tainted as Gilles de Rais, has found the desire to try again. Kirei, however, has not. He has become convinced of his own sinful nature, and he sees no end to it. ]

It is likely. [ He agrees simply, because false hope is not something he will indulge. ] The Tower is a house to horrors; it will test you.

You may have to prove yourself.