towerofanimus | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Characters: Reno, and you
Setting: Floor 76 - The Greenhouse, Jan 8th
Format: Either
Summary: Catch all for post-event things. Fall out goes further than battles won and battles lost.
Warnings: Mentions of a lot of things possibly in the future, tba (At least some blood)

A victory didn't mean they had won. It had taken years and a tower full of horrors for Reno to learn that. Everyone had died who had been involved. So many people that had trusted and fought for something they believed in, wiped out with barely a thought. People that trusted him fell because of he hadn't been good enough. At least, that's what he thought.

For days he had been avoiding people, even going to the hotel floor when he needed to sleep and have it mean something, so that's why he was able to stay out of his room for so long. His current haunt was the greenhouse, finding a strange comfort in the fake but poisonous plants that filled the place. He just, needed time to think, to go over everything in his head to make sure there had been nothing else he could do. But every time he did, he became convinced that there had been, if he had just protected them, some way, they would have made it.

He had failed them, and there was no forgiveness for that.

This day, he's sitting on a bench clear of plants, still wearing the same bloodstained clothes he had worn during the war. Arms wrapped around his middle and finger pulling at his lower lip, he thinks he's alone here. It isn't one of his usual haunts and nobody came here. A trip to the sauna had dealt with most of the dirt from the disaster, but his clothes were permanently stained with the blood of friend, enemy, and himself. It's fitting, metaphorically and literally, that he stayed bloodstained.

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[Reno wraps an arm around her shoulders, giving her a squeeze. So far she's the only one that's just... sat with him. Not yelled at him for being stupid or shutting himself away. The gesture is touching, and he realizes just how much he had needed it. Reno might be able to hide the shaking, but there's no way he could hide the deep sigh and hitched breath.]

...Who is it now?

[Xion jumps a little in surprise. She hadn't expected him to guess, right off the bat like that. A moment later though, her shoulders slump and she bows her head, leaning into the sort of hug he's giving her.]

Roxas.

[There's something resigned, defeated, in her voice. They hadn't had much time to talk or bond this time, and he hadn't stayed very long last time either. She's afraid, afraid of what Ruana does to those who leave. But it's nothing more than a generous dollop on top of the fear she feels already, for Fey, for Yu, and all the others who've gone.

It's a different kind of grieving. She isn't crying. She's just... quiet.]

'M sorry.

[There isn't anything he can say to her, either. Nothing that would make things better, or keep anything from happening again. They were all powerless to prevent it, and he isn't going to lie and tell her it's going to be all right.]

Have ya talked to Axel yet?

[There's a moment's hesitation, then she shakes her head.]

Not yet. But... I probably will later. Sora should know too. And... they should probably hear it from me.

[Axel especially, given how... given the three of them.]

Yeah. I was hoping they'd stay longer...

[He pulls her closer, almost into a cuddle. She still isn't yelling at him, telling him to pick up and start walking again. But, she needs from him, and it's easier to respond to than his own.]

Every month, it's like this... the first rolls around, and we lose people, and gain people. It's kinda like life, only accelerated. People appear, make a big impact, then they leave forever an' you're left holding the scars.

[He sighs; a deep, shuddering one that spread through his body.]

Thank you, Xion.

[Xion nods a little at his words, her face pulling together into a thoughtful frown. Life... she didn't really know too much about what life was like, did she? She was only three (ish), and most of that time had been spent in the Tower... that really didn't give someone a good view of what life was like... or did it? That's part of what Reno was trying to say, wasn't it? That it did give her some impression at least...

She's startled, though, when he thanks her. She looks over, eyes wide and a little confused.]

...of course. But... why?

For being a daughter to me. Just wanted to say it now, in case.

[Xion goes very, very quiet at that, and very, very still.]

In case you leave too.

[It's stated, not asked. His meaning was simple enough. But she wasn't going to lie and pretend the idea didn't scare her, and that it wasn't something she'd thought about more than once. Because both those things were true - she had thought about it plenty of times, and each time scared her more than words could say.]

In case I wake up and you're gone. [His tone is a little chiding, but not by much. If her arm was fair game, he'd give her an affectionate pat, but after the latest encounter with Jason, he knew it'd bring up more bad memories.]

In case we all die at the end, and we don't get another chance. In case one of us forgets everything. In case anything, Xion.

I'm real sorry, kiddo... I wanted to stop it, but it's lookin' like that won't happen.

[Xion ducks her head a little, sheepish and embarrassed, though thoughtful too. She hadn't really thought about the idea that she might ever leave, or something like that would happen to her, or either of them. She'd been in the Tower since forever. Some part of her probably expected to... well, die here. For good. She isn't sure though.

At his words though, she tilts her head a little to the side, surprised.]

You can't stop everything though.

[Not in the Tower, and certainly not by himself. She doesn't understand why he's apologizing.]

I can't stop anything. Never could... truth is, I'm not that great of a Turk.

[And he doesn't sound like he's just saying it for kicks; he actually means it.]

[She wouldn't have gotten it anyway, if he'd said it for kicks. She stares, startled and worried all at once.]

Wh- Why do you say that?

[It's not harsh or accuastory, it' worried and sad and maybe a little afraid.]

Just a confession. I'm sorry for failin' you guys.

[Xion's silent for a while. Her usual platitudes feel almost... cheap in this instance. So instead she turns words over in her head, trying to find what feels like the right ones.]

All I really know about being a Turk is what you've told me, and what I've read. So... I guess I don't really know a lot about it then.

[She pauses]

But I think... sometimes the things that worked at home don't work here. And the other way too - stuff that didn't work at home, works here. So maybe... I think what being a Turk means might change too.

[But this is entirely her inexperience talking. She even sounds a little bit unsure at the end; she's not sure if she might actually be saying something offensive or not.]

I don't think you've failed us. Even if it feels like you have.

[There's still time to fix things, if nothing else]

Change... choice... failure... What's it mean to you, Xion?

[His voice is quiet, but curious, and he leaned a little bit more into her, but not so much as to be uncomfortable.]

You've lived most of your life here. You're the youngest. You got a viewpoint unlike anyone else. I want to hear it.

I... [Xion falls silent for a while, turning his words over in her head. She hasn't... actually thought of the terms and concepts on their own, without any particular context. Thus it's hard to really explain what they mean to her.]

Change is a lot of things. It can be big or small, it can be in everything around us, or even just what we know and believe. It's terrifying, often. But... change is important. Especially because of what you can learn from it.

[Xion hesitates again before continuing]

Choice is... it's important. [Her face tightens a little.] People try to take it away from you, to control you. To make you think you don't have one. But... having a choice is the most important thing. Always. Even if... even if you don't always like the choices there are.

[For a moment Xion's eyes are distant, thinking of one particular choice she's made and still second-guessing. And a voice in the back of her mind reminds her 'what's best for everyone, you and your friends and everyone else.'

She shakes her head briefly]

And failure... Failure is when you give up, and believe that things can't be changed. I think... as long as we still fight, as long as we still hope that things can be fixed... we haven't failed. Not completely.

[Then, more quietly...]

There's still time.

[Please don't tell her it's hopeless]

[Xion's words, more than anyone else's, held his attention. He listens with complete seriousness, taking what she says to heart.

He... he can't give up. Not when they believe in him. Not when Xion is right, and there's time.

They haven't failed, right? He hasn't failed. That is what Xion's saying.

Failure would be giving up the choice to change things, wouldn't it?

But he's so tired. He isn't the person they need. He isn't someone that can lead them to change things. All he can do is offer to fight, and at this point, he isn't sure fighting is what's going to work. But he has to try, for their sake.

Trying is death. Not trying is death. What difference does it make now, anyway? Either way, he has no choice.

Reno closes his eyes, pulling her close, and starts to cry. Not just quiet quiet, dignified tears, but gut wrenching sobs and stuffy nose.]

[Xion stiffens at first in surprise and... well, fear. She's never, never seen Reno break like this, and it's terrifying. But once the shock of it wears off she relaxes a little, though she's still unsure and afraid. Shakily, she turns a little against him, so she can wrap an equally shaky hand around him.

She finds her own eyes watering. For Roxas. For Terra and Aqua. For Reno and her family and all the bad things that have happened to people who don't deserve it. For all the times that she's felt scared and alone and without hope.

She doesn't know what else to do, but maybe this - someone there, hugging him, crying with him - will somehow help. Maybe. It's better than nothing.]

[He doesn't stop. Not at first. Seconds pass into minutes while he cries out all the pain that he's been burying. All the rage and frustration, the heartache, the unfulfilled needs and desires. He cries like he hasn't in years- since he was a child.

Since the day he had been recruited into the Turks, and it hit he would never see his family again. Since the day his father had really died in his heart.

He cries for Xion, and Shion, privately knowing they would die young before they even really started life.

He cries for Elena, at the thought of her fierce drive and eager face.

He cries for Diarmuid and Waver, as tangled and doomed as he was.

For Tobias, and Sheba. Amelia, Riku (all of them), and Axel, Rick. Roxas, Sora, Xehanort, Terra. Asch, Lorelei, and the Lukes. Zelda, Enoch, Gandalf. So many souls that have come and gone through the hell tower, that have shared and suffered together. He cries for them, too. Even the ones that have caused pain. Ganondorf and Sephiroth had been tragic figures, once...

But he does not cry for himself. What he is going to do is willing, necessary.

Necessary.

And, he supposes he is one of the fools that he used to talk about. Scoffed at.

It has to be him, because he will not sacrifice the angels.]

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