towerofanimus | Fallout of a different kind

Entry tags:

Fallout of a different kind

Characters: Shion
Setting: Dorm halls 19th ish?
Format: Any I'll follow
Summary: Shion reads the report that Reno handed him about what happened in the whole Ryoji mess. He has berserker issues, and practices control (at least I hope he gets to the control part...)
Warnings: berserky Shion, mentions of brainwashing and stuff, potential violence

It had taken him a while to get to the end of the report, because every time he tried to read it anger rose up until it almost took over. He had to step away, calm down and return. By the end though it was not good enough, there was no calming down. Because what had happened, to people he considered friends, to people who were kind and brave.

His hands shook, he felt himself getting angrier and he tried to breath. Tried to stay calm, do everything that Diarmuid had taught him to keep the anger down, to believe he could do it. To just do it, to stay calm.

He wasn't sure when he had stopped reading, when he had stood or when he had left the room. But he was walking through the corridors, eyes blazing. "Ganondorf!" He shouted, "Sephiroth!" Clearly this was not of the smarter ideas he had ever had.

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For a moment Shion looked at Diarmuid, and then at the corridor around them, eyes wild as he fought inside himself. He wanted to check that Diarmuid was really aright, but he also wanted to scream and hurt Ganondorf, Sephiroth, all of those that had dared hurt his friends.

For a moment it looked like he was going to run, he shook with anger and all he wanted was to leave. But he knew Diarmuid would be disappointed, Reno would be disappointed. And they had always tried to help him, and he always disappointed them.

He finally moved rushing towards Diarmuid and all but clinging to him as tears welled in his eyes. Holding onto him like a life line, because otherwise he would have to leave, have to hunt down Ganondorf even though he knew he couldn't hurt him.

"I'm sorry."

Diarmuid wraps his arms around Shion as tightly as he can, which granted isn't nearly as strong as usual because his powers are gone. Still, he recognizes the boy's need for an anchor right now. How often has he needed to find one to cling to himself?

"Shhh...don't apologize. You did well. Just keep fighting it. Acknowledge the anger, understand it, and push it away. I'm here. It's all right."

What is all right is meant to be vague. There are lots of things that aren't all right now and won't be for a long time. However, they are alive and Ganondorf's plan is over now. What happened can't be changed. It can only be moved on from, and Diarmuid is doing his best to move on from it.

He's going to make sure everyone else does too. There is no way he is leaving anyone behind considering he is the one who started this mess.

Shion concentrated on breathing, the feeling of free falling, which so often accompanied his losing control of his anger began to subside as he held onto Diarmuid, using him to remind himself that he was still here.

"He hurt you..." He gasped out, because he knew that trying to understand anger inside his own head only made it muddled. "He always does it, he thinks he can do whatever he likes, and no one can hurt him back. And we can't stop him. We've never been able to stop him."

Shion hated feeling helpless, and it happened far too often.

"Sorry... it was you it happened to, you should be the one raging in anger, not the one stopping me..."

"It's all right. We all need anchors sometimes. I don't mind being yours," he gives the boy another squeeze. "As for Ganondorf...you are both right and wrong. It is true. We aren't strong enough to stop him. We can't hurt him and there is no talking to a man who will only hear his own voice."

He pauses so that he can look down and catch Shion's eyes, "But that doesn't make use helpless and it doesn't mean we can't fight back. We just have to find a better way. A smarter one. One that isn't driven by our own out of control emotions." Diarmuid shuts his eyes for a moment before continuing, "I'm not quite sure of what that way is yet, but if it makes any sense, I think I might be closer to finding it soon. There is a way for us to turn this defeat into a victory. I know we can."

Shion closed his eyes and nodded into Diarmuid's shirt trying to listen, to stay here and not to let the anger burst through the defenses that Diarmuid had put around him. Reno always told him that his strength was his intelligence, and so Diarmuid's words struck home, a smarter way to win. One that didn't mean getting angry and trying to kill someone who couldn't be hurt.

"Do... do you think so?" Because Shion couldn't think of anything, his mind was all clouded still, still split between raging anger and Diarmuid's safety, there wasn't anything in between and it took all his mind power not to swing back to the former.

"I do. I really do," Diarmuid's voice is completely confident. As he speaks, one hand comes up to stroke Shion's hair comfortingly. "We're making an easy mistake to make and one they count on us making. We let our emotions control us. You know how dangerous that is Shion. It's what you are fighting right now. While it might not be to the degree of your berserking, I made the mistake of letting my emotions cloud my mind and everyone suffered for it. I am fixing that now. I can't keep helping you or anyone else if I don't."

Shion nodded again though his breathing stuttered again and he stiffened as Diarmuid's hand stroked his hair, coming dangerously close to the back of his neck. Panic welling in him, the need to fight stronger.

"Sometimes..." He took another breath, his voice wavering, "I think it might be easier to not have emotions."

While Diarmuid doesn't understand why what he meant as a calming motion doesn't work, he does notice the change and immediately pulls his hand away from Shion's head and neck, letting that hand settle on the boy's shoulder instead.

"No, not having emotions at all isn't the answer. If we don't have emotions, we become like them," Diarmuid's voice is stern. "We care about nothing and no one. Some of them don't even care about themselves. That is no way to live, Shion. No matter how tempting it might be. The easy way is very rarely the right way."

He calmed down, though his breathing was still uneven, he knew what Diarmuid was going to say before he said it. Because he knew being emotionless was never the answer, and he knew that the easy things were rarely the right thing to do.

"I know..." He realised that Diarmuid's shirt was going to be soaked in tears, and felt guilty for it. "Controlling them is hard though."

"Very, that is why you cannot be so hard on yourself for every little slip. Take those slips and examine them once you are calmer. Learn what you can from them so that next time you will not slip in the same way. You've already made so much progress Shion," Diarmuid gives the boy another squeeze. "I am very proud of you."

"I wanted to kill them," he said, he still did but the urge was leaving him quickly. "I couldn't think of anything else."

He took another breath, he wasn't sure Diarmuid should be proud of him, because he wasn't sure he wouldn't fall apart the moment he let go.

"You would not be the first to want that and will certainly not be the last. As much as I hate to say it's okay to want to kill someone, it's justified in this case. However, you know as well as I do the important thing is to control that wish. If you don't..." Guilt enters Diarmuid's eyes, "If you don't, you end up causing what I just did."

"It wasn't your fault." He blinked sadly, "You can't blame yourself for what they do. It's like you said, they don't care."

"I know...but I can't let myself go blameless either. If I had not let my emotions control me back then, this wouldn't have happened. That is a fact that can't be denied. However, if it helps any, I'm not going to let that blame of myself paralyze me," Diarmuid meets Shion's gaze. "I'm using this week to do just what I asked you to do. I'm learning my emotions and how to better control them." He smiles a small, but real, smile, "We will have to compare notes when I'm done."

Shion blinked up at him and gave a tiny smile, "Perhaps between us we will find a way that works."

Though he wished this had never happened, it did make him feel a bit more... normal to know that even people like Diarmuid, who seemed so in control of things, sometimes made mistakes.

"I know we will," Diarmuid's smile grows a little wider, and he gives Shion's shoulder a squeeze. "How are you feeling now? Better? More in control? Is there anything you want to ask me about what happened?"

The last question is more tentative than the rest. He's not sure if more details on the situation will help Shion or not, but he is willing to supply them if the boy wants to know.

"I think so..." He nods and uncurls one of his fists from Diarmuid's shirt, so far so good. "Just... are you alright? You don't feel weird at all?"

Because they knew little about the crystals and Shion didn't want to risk Diarmuid being under Ganondorf's power like Reno had been...

"I don't know if I can honestly say I am all right, but I don't feel like there is anything lingering that shouldn't be there. You are worried about him controlling me like he did Reno, aren't you?" The answer seems obvious, but Diarmuid wishes to be sure, "Since I ended up dying, I think that erases any chance of him being able to control me. Death isn't a good thing, but in this case it does at least have that one positive attached to it."

Shion nodded, since there was no point in pretending he wasn't worried. "Hopefully..." Hopefully death broke any connection there was.

"Let me know if you do sense anything real though..." Not that Shion knew what he would do, but there had to be away to break such things without killing... And if they had time they might be able to fix it.

Diarmuid nods, giving Shion a confident look, "I swear to you I will let you know if I start feeling anything odd or find myself acting in an odd way. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is let Ganondorf control me even if I don't have my powers right now. I have hurt everyone enough because of my mistake. I do not want this to go any farther."

Shion nodded, "Hopefully this is the end..." Too many people had been hurt already and even though technically this left it at a victory for Ganondorf and his friends, it was better than further bloodshed.

"I am going to do everything in my power to see to it that it is. We don't have time for these things now. To that end, I need to ask something of you," Diarmuid pauses a moment, hoping this isn't a mistake. He knows Shion already has a lot on his mind, but he also trusts the boy to be able to handle this, "I think you know that both Ryoji and I have a lot of people in the Tower who would fight and die for us without thought. I am going to try and talk to as many people as I can, but if you hear of anyone who is talking about striking back for what happened, I need you to try and talk them out of it. If you cannot, I need you to tell me what is going on so I can try and stop them."

Shion nodded and listened, because of course he would help Diarmuid. It was a hard thing, because Shion wasn't sure how he would be able to talk anyone out of violence, when he had been so close to committing it himself, but he could at least try and tell Diarmuid if he failed. "I will try my best." Because it really was for the best that it stopped now.

That is part of the reason Diarmuid is asking this specific thing from Shion. He hopes that this will give him something to focus his anger and energy on and that will make it easier to keep himself from getting violent. After all, if he knows how it feels to want to be violent himself, then he will know better how those he is talking to feel.

He smiles and gives the boy a nod, "I know you will. You have already tried so hard to do the things I have asked and for that I thank you. We really should sit and talk about those things more soon. I don't know if now is the time, though. Not with your emotions already so high..."

Shion smiled and nodded, he didn't really want to try and examine the feelings now, not with them still so close to the surface that they threatened to take over.

"Thank you." He said softly, "Will you be alright? If... if you need to talk about it I can listen." Diarmuid probably had others he could talk to though, people who could offer advice and help and weren't so likely to let emotions rule them.

"I think I will be...eventually. Once I am honest with myself and finish working through all this darkness inside of me," Diarmuid gives Shion a confident look. "You know the path I am on. It's similar to yours, but I know we will both find the end soon enough."

Diarmuid steps forward and gives Shion another hug, "Thank you."

Shion smiled and nodded, hugging him back. "No, thank you. You stopped me from doing something stupid." And it was the first time Shion had been calmed, once he had gotten more angry than he could cope with.

"I am glad that I was able to help. You know I want to help as much as I can," he steps back so that he can smile at Shion. "What were you working on when..." Diarmuid gestures in a vague way meant to indicate when he had gotten so upset. "Is it anything I can help with?"

"Reno gave me reports..." He said softly, "Just of what he had managed to find out. It isn't very detailed. I am not surprised though, that Waver wouldn't talk to him."

Diarmuid nods in understanding, "If Waver didn't want to talk to me, I doubt he wanted to talk to Reno either. Let Reno know I will talk to him later and fill in any details he wants, all right? I...just need a little time first."

"I will... though you don't have to, not until you feel ready to talk about it." He was sure there were others they could get the information off.

"Thank you and I don't mind doing it. There needs to be a record of what happened, but that can comes later. Will you be okay now?" He gives Shion a serious look, "I don't mind staying if you need me too, but if you are all right, I think I am going to...disappear again for a while."

Shion nodded, though not before giving Diarmuid another hug. "Thank you again, I hope things get better for you soon!"

Diarmuid returns the hug, "They will. I know they will. Be well, Shion. Keep an eye on everyone while I am gone. Especially your father. He needs it."

He gives the boy a confident smile and then turns and walks away.

"I will." He nodded, "Be careful." He made a note to at least try and work out where Diarmuid ended up, just to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn't hurt.

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Fallout of a different kind

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